Not give him the opportunity to chase and pursue me


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This topic contains 18 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  alia 5 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #735784 Reply

    Emma

    Thank ladies for reading I would appreciate any feedback 🙏

    So I met a guy September 2018 – it will be just 4 months on Monday since we have met in person.
    I’ve know him awhile before that online, we use to chat and I liked his calmness gentle approach. We use to talk on the phone on and off.
    He use to me message whenever and I use to reply sometimes and sometimes I didn’t use to. I was dating others too but nothing came off it.
    Sometimes I just use to call him just for chitchat.
    I liked talking to him

    I wanted to meet him earlier but it just didn’t materialise.

    So first week of September I lost my job. And one late night I was up and I knew he was up too so I gave him a call.
    We talked for a bit, I told him about my job.
    Then we mention maybe meeting up.
    We carried on messaging more regularly on that week.

    On the 14 September I had job interview, he wish me luck and then I asked what he was doing after work, he said nothing and would like to meet me.
    We met up.
    I was attracted to him straight away. He was so polite too and as nice as I thought.

    Anyways, he asked to see me but a week one by without a date.
    I then asked him over one night. He came over.
    We Netflix and chilled but no sex. It became weekly once/twice a week habit.
    We finally slept together few weeks later, and since then we only seen each other outside my home once.

    We have had the relationship talk and we are apparently couple together/exclusive and I do feel like we together. We talk daily.
    We talk about the future etc.

    But I am scared, because I am falling for him and I don’t think he is. I feel like I am moving way too fast and haven’t given him the chance or the opportunity to even decide if he truly wants me or not.
    I feel like I picked him and he didn’t pick me.

    I don’t know what to do, how can I know if he wants to be with me, likes me and not because I made everything easy for him.

    I want to live with him, we talked about that, I actually asked him indirectly and he didn’t seem hesitate, he seem he was open to the idea.
    I visualise marrying him and I want to tell him but I hold me because I know it’s way too soon.

    So ladies, what can I do to make sure he is serious about me?

    Taking me out is also not a problem, we going out this Wednesday coming. We spend Tuesday and all day Wednesday together.
    He is super nice to me, he compliments he is attentive and affectionate, there is nothing he does that bothers me, he never stands me up.

    Him initiating is also no problem he always does that. But my problem is I am always available whenever he ask, I think I’ve only once said no when he asked if he can come over.

    #735785 Reply

    Emma

    so ladies what can I do differently to determine if he is serious about me?

    #735788 Reply

    Emma

    Heading should’ve been “not giving him …..”

    #735789 Reply

    Khadija

    Only time will tell if he is serious about you.

    He will show you in his actions that he wants a future with.

    Talking is one thing but, if a man professes his love to you, asks you to marry him, and is actively making a future with you.

    The relationship is still fairly new at this point.

    It sounds like the relationship is going in the right direction. He is consistent with communication, spending time with you (a man’s time he gives is very valuable) and he made you official.

    Pay attention to his words and actions they will answer all your questions.

    #735793 Reply

    Emma

    Khadija Thanks for that.

    Yes so far he has been consistent.
    Since we have been intimate he has not upset me either and I have not been displease with him.
    And I have seen any change in personality.

    My doubts are coming from my own action.
    I have not played hard to get.
    I have not shown him I had other options (although I didn’t to be honest) but that’s not the reason why I am with him.
    I’ve had guys show me interest but I wasn’t into them.

    I feel like He might just see me as easy.
    And I don’t know how change that mind set.

    #735794 Reply

    Emma

    I meant to say I have not seen any change in his personality since I’ve known him.

    #735797 Reply

    Khadija

    Why are you so focused on that fact that you didn’t play hard to get?
    There is a HUGE difference between being easy and easy to be with.

    If you are treated with value and respect then it doesn’t matter.

    Some women try to play hard to get and it backfires. Playing games gets you nowhere and they don’t determine a woman’s worth.

    Having a healthy self esteem, boundaries,and holding you own in a relationship shows value.

    Don’t believe all the nonsense you read that you need to do this or that to show a man your worth. If he can’t see that then he’s not the one.

    #735801 Reply

    Emma

    The reason why I am focused on the fact he didn’t chase me or I didn’t give him the opportunity to win me over is because I feel that is the only way I would’ve known if he was interested in me more than easy sex.

    He literally did nothing romantic for me expect during the holiday when surprised me with a special treat.

    Oh and the first night he came over he bought me a little chocolate bar that I told him I was obsessed with.

    So although I am anti playing games or testing guys, I feel like there is no other way to know how much they are into you. And to be honest I’ve never played games with guys I genuinely cared about. So I’m at lost.
    I guess it is wait and see situation.

    #735804 Reply

    Emma

    The other Emma here..

    In other words, you feel he is not in love with you, and this upsets you. Naturally.

    He likes you, he treats you well, but he has not had a chance to fall for you.

    The thing is you can’t go back now. At this point I think you’d be better off to focus on the good things you two have. In time he’d grow more affectionate towards you, and if your relationship is good, then he might think of moving in with you. With the view of creating a family in the future. He is already “talking about the future” with you. Would it be such a bad thing?

    #735805 Reply

    Better off single

    Why does it have to play out like some stupid rom-com? Why does he have to chase? Life is actually really boring. He’s showing himself upfront which is rare and awesome. He’s being a gentleman and a friend and looks like wants to be more. You’ll wind up sabotaging it asking where it’s going and what about us talk. Let things unfold naturally and see where it goes. Maybe he doesn’t want to get his hopes up and you’re giving mixed signals.

    Enjoy the time you do spend with him. So your own thing in between and stop over thinking it.

    #735806 Reply

    Better off single

    In other words let him lead.

    #735807 Reply

    Emma

    Thanks Emma,

    No it wouldn’t be a bad thing but I can’t share a life with a man who is not in love with me.

    And I feel like I’ve messed any chance of that happening.

    If only I was patient and didn’t rush things maybe things would’ve turned out differently.

    I am falling for him, I’m not 100 per cent but only because I keep holding myself back but I don’t know how long I can do.

    #735809 Reply

    Emma

    Better of single, I’ve only initiated the first time he came over since then he have been initiating.

    #735813 Reply

    kaye

    You’ve been seeing this guy for 4 months and you have had the relationship talk and are exclusive. You also talk about the future which is great. But you don’t say you’ve met any of his friends, family or co-workers. It doesn’t sound like he takes you out on the weekends, only does Netflix and chill one night a week. Usually at some point a couple will advance from seeing each other only once or twice a week to seeing each other 3-5 times a week. And of course that means you are going to end up meeting friends, family, etc. Also, have you not ever been to his place? You say pretty much every meeting is at your place. Why is that?

    Fact of the matter is you can’t go back at this point and play hard to get. What would be the point if you’ve already agreed to exclusivity? It’s pretty easy to tell when a man is falling in love. He’s wanting to see you all the time, calling you, doing things to make your life easier, remembering things you say and buying your favorite food or drink and bringing it or flowers when he comes to see you, he’s including you in his life and wanting you to meet people who are important to him, he’s consulting with you before making plans because it’s “assumed” the two of you will be seeing each other on the weekends or certain days of the week, and he’s conscious of calling when he says he’s going to call, showing up when he says he’s going to show up, and if he has to cancel or any reason he lets you know and makes it up to you. You can tell my his actions he’s falling for you. It sounds to me like your guy has you kind of separated from the rest of his life right now in a neat little compartment instead of included.

    #735817 Reply

    Khadija

    I agree with BOS life is not like a romantic comedy.

    It seems to me that you want the romance, affectionate gifts, and so forth.

    He may or may not be that type of guy but, again let the relationship unfold more to see who he is.

    You are already setting this relationship up for by saying this or that will never happen.

    Its like you want it all now or nothing but, relationships just don’t work that way. You are light speed ahead of him and since he isn’t on your level you are getting antsy and frustrated. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

    The staying in for watching movies is not always the best idea. Its okay to suggest some ideas or ask him what he’s like to get out of the house.

    Lastly, when I fist my boyfriend I liked him but it took time fall in love and things between us unfolded naturally.When we said the I love you it felt right and not forced.

    Over time he incorporated me into his life, we spent more time together, and he shared and showed me more of him. I feel like had I pushed for things we wouldn’t be where we are today.

    Give it some more time and if nothing progresses then move on.

    #735833 Reply

    Sisi

    Op – did he specifically say you are exclusive, or do you just assume/feel like you are a couple?

    #736338 Reply

    Emma

    Thanks everyone for your input.

    Sisi yes he asked me to be his GF.
    And no I have not met his friends or family.
    And no I have not been to his place because he shares so we have more privacy at my place which I prefer.

    Update (sort of)

    How do I stop feeling like this
    So today we spend the day together, he were together since yesterday evening.

    All this time I was feeling something kinda distant from him, he was warm towards me at all.

    There was nothing he did per se but I was just getting bad vibe from him.

    I don’t know if it’s just my imagination or not.

    Last night, while we were having sex, I stop him in the morning, but felt like I was tearing, I told him, but he didn’t seem concern.

    First the time in 4 months we slept without cuddling up. He did moved close to me one point middle of the night.

    This morning, I tired to cheer myself, we went out got breakfast, walked together a bit and got groceries, I made simple lunch. After lunch after 2 he was due to leave, I came on to him, I started kissing him, we ended up having sex.

    He was awfully quiet after, we were in bed for a bit, I had to leave out and he leave too, he got dressed before and left while I was in bed, he did came over to me and gave me goodbye kiss. When he left I got super emotional, that I nearly cried. I don’t know is going on with me. I felt kinda unsatisfied over all.

    I don’t know what to do, I know everyone here said to wait and see but I don’t how I can hold out.

    #736344 Reply

    Khadija

    If you are that unhappy then move on.

    Being this unhappy benefits no one in the relationship and he may sense this.

    I’m really not sure what to say because it just seems like the connection isn’t there between you two.

    Sometimes people are just not compatible enough to make it long term.

    #736348 Reply

    alia

    To be honest, this guy comes across somewhat emotionally unavailable. It is really just a matter of how much is too much for you. If you can fill your life to a brink with other activities, and travel and friends (basically be single and see this guy casually, if exclusively), then this may work out, but I don’t think you can expect a close and intimate relationship with him. You have to decide if that is enough for you.

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