No Spark??


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  ANM Staff 8 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #419162 Reply

    Taylor

    So I have been seeing this guy for a few months and the other day I asked him if he was losing interest cause he had been a little distant for a few days and he said something was missing like a spark, but that he still wants us to be together cause I have alot of qualities he loves and I would make a good wife one day… I am just so confused… How do I get him to feel the spark I feel everytime I’m with him?

    #419168 Reply

    Khadija

    Either you feel something or you don’t.
    There isn’t much you can do but, take some steps back from this man.
    Asking if he is losing interest is not a good question to ask a man. In the future try not to do that it makes you look insecure. (which I’m not implying that you are)
    While what he said was nice, I’m sure you will make a good wife one day. However, that does not mean it will be to him.
    If, he’s not feeling a spark I’d consider dating others at this time. There is probably someone you’ll have a better connection with.

    #419170 Reply

    Taylor

    I told him that if there wasn’t anything there that we needed to move on cause I am not looking to stick around with someone who doesn’t have feelings for me.. He told me he does have feelings for me and that he can see us having a future but there just isn’t a spark.. I just don’t understand what the heck that means..

    #419174 Reply

    Khadija

    Are you sleeping this man?

    #419175 Reply

    Khadija

    *with

    #419176 Reply

    Taylor

    No we have not slept together yet, I told him I wouldn’t unless we had the bf/gf label and hes ok with it

    #419177 Reply

    Ivy

    Taylor, Since this guy said he sees a future with you I guess I have a few questions more for you than him.

    Where are you emotionally in your life? Would you say you have a high sense of self-worth or are you struggling? Are you happy in your life? Is there anyting in life that you are excited about? Do you have a passion or interest that sparks you?

    I am not asking this to indicate you have an issue but sometimes in life there were times I didn’t spark myself and I figure no wonder I didn’t meet a man I sparked with in that time.

    Do you have common interests? Do you laugh a lot together? Are you in touch with your vulnerable feminine self?

    Now, I would want a man who has spark for me, but sometimes spark doesn’t last and core compatibility does, so I think it would benefit you from taking time to look within yourself.

    Also, nowhere on here did you say this man was a man you could see a future with, you just said he said he could see a future with you. Are you sure that you feel a spark with him, or are you just wanting him to feel a spark with you?

    And if people respond that men won’t feel spark without sex, that is false. I have felt major spark with a guy in terms of physical attraction that I put aside to get to know the guy first and he also knew that there was a strong spark, we just didn’t act on it yet.

    #419178 Reply

    Khadija

    Good hold off on that one until then, if it even gets to that point.

    #419197 Reply

    talllady

    Urgh. I do not like this – Why? Well, now you are wondering how you create a spark as if it is your failing, which it is his. I would end it because I would go into trying to create something with someone who might not be open to it, and I would feel icky about it. I would never feel like I was enough…. I want a man to feel a spark for me, along with other things.

    #419208 Reply

    Ivy

    Taylor, you are already enough whether this guy feels a spark for you or not, and yes, you should not place yourself in a position to try to earn his spark for you. However, I still advise you to look within yourself before jumping ship from this guy, and see if you might have any barriers that are in the way of him feeling this spark for you. I do know women who are beautiful, smart but desperate for a man’s love so much that I feel they scare the men away and attract creepos. I think you will learn more about relationships by being a bit more self-introspective (non-blaming) and confronting the issue with him rather than just being like, not there, bye bye.

    I hope this makes some sense to you.

    I would never try to convince a man to have spark for me. I would focus on having a spark for myself and then seeing if his flames up, I would do that by re-focusing on myself rather than him.

    Also, something to consider, how were his previous relationships?

    Did you ask him what vision he has for a relationship partner?

    I think it’s important to know if this guy was in turbulent relationships where a more normal one doesn’t feel right to him.

    Also, I think it’s important to see if his vision for a relationship is actually one you fit into. Are you the woman he’s looking for and is he the man you are looking for? If not, then you could love eachother and still not be right for eachother.

    So perhaps reflect a bit more and whatever decision you make make sure it’s not from fear (jumping ship without confronting the issue), and from a place of self-love where you learn something from the experience and get to a place where you can communicate directly with him (as you already did) and make a decision for your own future.

    And while you are at it think about if he’s the man you are looking for, cause like I said you didn’t list one positive thing about him.

    #419230 Reply

    Taylor

    Thank you all for the advice, I think maybe you all are right I haven’t been sparking myself and I have laid all my attention on him instead of focusing on myself as well. I think he could be the one for me, he is the kindest, sweetest most honest guy I have ever met, I have a ton of fun with him and he can make me laugh until my stomach starts to hurt, I do see a future with him but I may be trying to make him feel what I feel and they may actually be pushing him away cause it may come off as clingy..

    Ivy,
    His previous relationship was toxic, he was with the girl for 5 years and she cheated on him the entire time and eventually left him for the man she was cheating on him with, they broke up almost 2 years ago.. So it is possible he doesn’t know what a normal relationship is like..

    I also know that I need to start being more myself when I am around him instead of trying to be perfect which may have a lot to do with the no spark because I am not being my true self.

    #419361 Reply

    patsytshirt

    if he doesn’t feel a spark, what is the point? I find it strange that he is with you if there is no spark, does he hope that some day he will feel a spark? and you shouldn’t be trying to create any spark, that stuff happens naturally.
    Maybe he misses the toxic drama from his previous relationship and is confusing with spark.

    #419371 Reply

    redcurleysue

    If a person felt spark with you once they can do it again. The key is the realization that a person can be lost…

    When we are “sure” of what we have the spark will go missing…it is almost guaranteed and taken for granted. It amazes me that anyone can take anyone for granted…there are always other people wanting to take someone away from us. It is this fact that keeps spark going if a person is always aware they have a good thing.

    It is said that a wise woman will make her boyfriend/husband secure yet wondering…if you are the prize to him then you can also be the prize to someone else…and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee before it is too late.

    Don’t let him take you for granted…don’t always give him 110%….they get unresponsive. Mirror his interest level your whole life…do not give more…in fact just a shade less is appropriate since men have to chase their whole life…it is in their DNA.

    #419372 Reply

    redcurleysue

    If a person felt spark with you once they can do it again. The key is the realization that a person can be lost…

    When we are “sure” of what we have the spark will go missing…it is almost guaranteed and taken for granted. It amazes me that anyone can take anyone for granted…there are always other people wanting to take someone away from us. It is this fact that keeps spark going if a person is always aware they have a good thing.

    It is said that a wise woman will make her boyfriend/husband secure yet wondering…if you are the prize to him then you can also be the prize to someone else…and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee before it is too late.

    Don’t let him take you for granted…don’t always give him 110%….they get unresponsive. Mirror his interest level your whole life…do not give more…in fact just a shade less is appropriate since men have to chase their whole life…it is in their DNA.

    #419553 Reply

    Ivy

    Taylor, Well then a few issues have been nailed and you now know:

    1) Fall in love with yourself and spark yourself because you want to, not because you want him to respark for you. This means finding what in life excites you, moves you, and working on your self-esteem, being authentic, vulnerable, honest and being you.

    2) Recongnize that he engaged in a toxic relationship for 5 years and he can either mature and learn that non-toxic relationships are healthy or he can be left in the dust chasing after the highs and lows of a crappy relationship with another woman.

    So start with yourself and see how he responds. If he doesn’t respark for you then you have every right to leave him in the wind.

    “Trying to be perfect” that’s way too much pressure, the men I’ve loved I loved their flaws too but mostly I loved that they were just their unique own selves and I admired their individuality. Drop the perfection act and be authentically you, anyway how long did you think you were going to try to be perfect before he realized that you aren’t? We often fall in love with someone’s quirkiness, or their unique selves, — embrace that in you and he might too, if not he’s not the right man for you.

    Good luck,

    #419589 Reply

    Cyn

    Taylor,

    If he is telling you to your face that he does not feel a spark for you – why are you still even talking about this man??

    How dare he tell you that!!

    Move on to someone that will feel that spark for you, he is not the last man on this earth.

    #419594 Reply

    Rose

    Maybe he wants to pressure you to have sex with him in order to feel that “spark” … He wants to seem like he can wait for it but that’s a way of saying “let’s do it already” without really saying it.

    That’s just a theory.

    #780103 Reply

    Brittney

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now . Just a few nights ago he told me he doesn’t have any feeling like when we touch or hug like the romantic spark went out. He’s been fighting and pushing to bring it back on his own. All these feelings vanished like a month ago he said. He says he still loves me more than anything but he also cares about me he just doesn’t feel anything when we have sex or when he kisses me or touches me or even when we just hangout. He doesn’t feel the spark like he did a year ago. What do I do what does he need to do I’m confused and so his he. We are both so scared and don’t know what to do.

    #780110 Reply

    kaye

    Brittney this post is over 4 years old. Please start your own thread in the forum to get responses.

    #780138 Reply

    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Mod update:

    Hi Brittney, thanks for sharing your story, and I’m sorry to hear about that.

    Your story is showing up as a reply to an old topic, and the community doesn’t usually give a lot of attention to old topics. You’re welcome to copy and paste your post into a fresh new topic, and that will probably get a lot of responses and advice. You can start a new topic in the forum here.

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