New guy was spying on me …

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This topic contains 134 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Ik 9 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #668212 Reply


    I’ve been dating someone for 5 weeks.
    I live in the UK and work part time and rest of the time I look after my ill mother.
    I’ve been going on dates with him once a week sometimes twice.
    I wasn’t ready to go into details of my mums illness so he assumed I worked full time.
    As I work part time I get help with my rent.
    He works for his local council so he has access to information (he should only be looking at his area)
    My council is a different area.
    I got in his car last week (he picked me up from town) and said “would of been easier to pick you up from (your address)”
    I’ve never told him about my address and the only way he would know is to look me up at work.
    Since then he has been off with me,bad attitude and making snarky comments about my work,asking how many hours I do etc ..
    Haven’t heard from him now in 4 days.
    We would talk daily.
    He doesn’t want anything to do with me..
    How dare he look me up?
    I feel an invasion of privacy.
    I would have told him about my mum,I just needed time as he felt like a stranger still.
    I just wanted to seem normal for a while.

    #668243 Reply


    What you think he did is a criminal offense under the data protection act. You could make a complaint to his employer, who should have a log of his accessing your records.

    Saying that, are you on universal credit? Or does the council still pay your housing benefit? If it’s the council, he’s unlikely to have been able to access your records from another local authority. Their IT systems aren’t usually linked up.

    I look after my dad but not to the extent you look after your mum. I think you’re amazing! I couldn’t do what you do.

    #668246 Reply


    My friend also works for the same council as him and says he would be able to see the amount mh rent is and that half is housing benefit as its the same housing association but in a different area in the same part of country if that makes sense.
    It’s the only way he could know
    Now he wants nothing to do with me what so ever

    #668256 Reply


    You are an amazing woman! I have ill mom as well and I know how difficult it can get.
    And now about him- he is a dork, rotten egg. I would go on, but I think you got the picture :) He is probably a person who is looking for benefits only and is too self obsessed. He doesnt want to have anything to do with you? I would celebrate that! You dont need someone who has no morals, do you?

    #668258 Reply


    You called him on his crap!

    Call his employer & file a complaint…
    If it’s true, his misuse of position/power (over you) would be against the law.

    The guy’s a creep…

    #668260 Reply


    I guess he is done my a favour…you think I had done something wrong how he was on our last “date”
    I stupidly text him last night which he read and ignored.
    I like to think I’m a nice person,me working only part time doesn’t make me less worthy.
    My mum being unwell is personal to me and I wasn’t ready to talk about my cutting my ours etc
    He was an escape from reality of my life really..
    As soon as he knew my address I knew he had been snooping on me.

    #668265 Reply


    I agree I’d file a complaint. That is an invasion of your privacy!

    You have a right to share the details of your life as you see fit.

    #668266 Reply


    I know exactly how that feels! It can be lonely, isolating and incredibly boring caring for someone! You need an escape from reality once in a while.

    To explain to people not in the UK, here we have a social support system that supposedly cares from us from cradle to grave. It’s not the responsibly of a child to care for a parent and we pay for this through taxes. Anyone that wants to take on the burden of looking after a parent is doing it out of choice and love to some extent. The parent gets much better care, it saves the state and every single one of us money, and it’s a huge sacrifice for the person doing it emotionally, financially and physically. I think you’re a hero Kelly and it goes without saying you’re a nice person.

    You have 3 options. You can report him, forget him or clear the air. What he did was wrong without question. But we are human and it is understandable in a way wanting to check out the person you’re seeing. Now he’s stuck because he can’t tell you he did but he knows something about your circumstances.

    It really depends how you feel about this and him?

    #668293 Reply


    Too be honest it doesn’t really matter as he wont be in touch again.
    He ignored my message last night guess that makes it easier.
    He must not have liked me that much to dispose of me like that.

    #668299 Reply


    Kelly, bravo to you for taking care of your mom. That’s very commendable and extremely kind. As someone who was quite ill as a child and left completely alone at the hospital for very long periods of time, even as an infant, I really respect people who are there for their family during times of illness. Being ill can be very lonely and just knowing someone is there means a lot.

    In my opinion, it isn’t that he didn’t like you or there was something wrong with you. He’s chasing the wrong things in life. Imagine if you were together much longer… he’d be someone who jumps to conclusions and cannot properly communicate. He’d also shut you out. Men like that aren’t worth your time. He really did do you a favor.

    #668304 Reply

    Stephen G

    I wouldn’t get involved with someone who is carer,nor would I get involved with a single mother. This man is clearly aware that the OP is keeping secrets from him. His comment about picking you up at your address doesn’t mean he has looked you up in the system necessarily. It probably means that he is concerned about your secretiveness.
    If a woman wrote about a man that always arranged to meet away from his home,then women here would be writing: ” dump him at once! He is clearly married or living with a gf. ” Another reply might read: “you were totally right to access privileged information because this guy could be anything. Ladies always find out how much you possibly can about a man you are dating!” Yet another woman would write: ” you feel that he is withholding important information from you? Dump his ass,trust is everything in a relationship! “

    #668313 Reply


    Jeez, Stephen. I don’t even know where to begin other than your comment shows a severe lack of character and a serious chip on your shoulder. People who take care of others are a rare breed and you’d be incredibly lucky to find someone who would take care of you should you fall ill.

    I hope you don’t ever need a caregiver or end up being a single parent.

    #668315 Reply


    Hi Stephen-you are right about the double standard. However,it is much,much more likely that a man could be a sexual predator,stalker,serial killer,etc. etc. than a woman. It is a safety thing.

    #668320 Reply


    Stephen, I’ve ignored your drivel…..TILL NOW. You are a complete douchebag. This site needs thoughtful and insightful men. You are exactly the kind of person we don’t need here.

    Go away.

    This woman is doing an incredible thing in taking care of her mother. Your off-base and weird comments are rude, unwarranted, and ridiculous.

    In business or any professional environment, when you have access to personal information there is a strict code of ethics you are required to follow in what info you access (need to know only) and what you do with that information is also restricted.

    This man has not only behaved un-professionally and deplorably, but his acts may be considered criminal, or at least worthy of on the job discipline.

    @Kelly, please escalate this to his employer. This needs to be addressed. This is unacceptable.

    Stephen, again. GO AWAY. If you can not be a useful contributing member to this forum, your thoughts and opinions are not appreciated. Go take your drivel to some misogynistic, caveman mentality site.

    Ladies, this guy has been unacceptable from his first post. Please stop giving him attention or tolerating this.

    #668323 Reply


    Phillygirl,I have asked for him to disappear before-he is a complete clod and worse,I agree. There is no reason for it or good being done from him being on here.

    #668324 Reply

    Stephen G

    “This site needs thoughtful and insightful men”. Translation from womanspeak:” we only want men that only tell us exactly what we want to hear and remain silent at all other times. ”

    #668327 Reply


    Withholding important information …I’m a serial killer? No I work 16 less hours than I stated and I care for my mum.
    This is exactly why I didn’t tell him.
    He told me he ended things with his last GF after her dad died and she apparently changed …should of known then.

    #668328 Reply

    Stephen G

    Actually phillygirl and Peggy you could be banned here as you have both made personal attacks upon me. I have attacked nobody.

    #668329 Reply

    Stephen G

    Ladies it may astonish you to learn that men have the complete right to walk away or not be interested in women.

    #668330 Reply


    Stephen, you wouldn’t know what a woman wants or thinks if it was explicitly told to you.


    #668331 Reply


    Stephen-you said we asked for “thoughtful and insightful men” Exactly-and you are neither.

    #668332 Reply



    You did absolutely nothing wrong by not sharing personal information like the fact that you care for your mom, work part time, and receive financial assistance. There is no expectation that you have to share that with someone your newly dating. It’s certainly not “keeping secrets” or being secretive, it’s sharing information about yourself that’s personal when you’re ready.

    This guy is a complete jerk. I would definitely file a complaint as he’s abused his authority by accessing private information he has no reason to access. He is a jerk for doing that but he is a completely worthless human being for then making all kinds of assumptions about what that information meant. I just feel so angry for you. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment.

    Taking care of a sick mother is a heavy burden and I’m glad you’re getting help with it. A nice guy to be a good friend to you and have some fun with would be wonderful, and I know you thought he was it but he clearly lacks character.

    Stephen G., you are awful. Please go away and stop poisoning this board with your hateful, angry advice. I try to be accepting of everyone’s ideas to see if they have merit but your hatred has made you illogical and unhelpful.

    #668333 Reply


    Stevie the d:ckless wonder cant go to men’s sites because even they would laugh his effeminate woman hating a$$ out of there

    #668336 Reply

    Stephen G

    More personal attacks in the form of shaming language phillygirl? Your building quite the dossier of evidence against yourself.

    #668342 Reply


    Stephen learned to use a dictionary.

    Guess what, just about everyone here finds you useless and an embarrassment to the male population.

    Phillygirl just shared what most of us think of you. Creep

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