Need prespective


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This topic contains 35 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  L 1 week ago.

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  • #745648 Reply

    Buzzy

    My boyfriend of over a year has been really busy and we haven’t seen each other in over two weeks. He said he needed to concentrate on work right now. He is working Midnights and I work during the day so it is hard to get together since we don’t live together. Well, I panicked and still contacted him sometimes because I miss him and we have never gone this long. Because I didn’t give him proper space, I think I have ruined everything and he hates me. I am so upset with myself. Can I save my relationship or is it too late? He usually contacts me after a couple of days but I am afraid he won’t now.

    #745651 Reply

    Raven

    You’ve posted about this before…
    Got some decent advice.
    What advice would you rather hear?

    #745674 Reply

    Sensy

    That seems off that he is your bf and he doesn’t contact you daily.

    #745711 Reply

    I really wanna know

    He hates you?

    And you call this guy your boyfriend?

    That’s not Love.

    #745716 Reply

    Lane

    The one thing men put high on their list of needs is RESPECT. He told you his work is tapping him out and working opposite shifts doesn’t allow for much free time right now and if you can’t acxpt it then he will break up with you.

    Men also have a keen sense of when a woman wants more than he can freely give to her. If your world revolves around him he’s going to start feeling suffocated and stifled which is not healthy as we need different things and people to promote a more balanced and happier life even if it means decompressing in front of the TV and tuning the entire world out.

    You are disrespecting his needs by not LISTENING to what he is telling you. He doesn’t want to talk to you every day or spend copious amounts of time with you either and it’s OK because that’s what he wants and needs right now and if you can’t give him the space wa asking for the. he will find someone who will.

    You are not compatible in a very key area and it sounds like he’s checked out due to your neediness..

    #745746 Reply

    Buzzy

    Yes, Lane, everything you say is true. Is there a way I can get him to check back in? I have backed off considerably already but I guess I have to stop ALL contact with him. It hurts to think I may never see him again.

    #745749 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    Wait until he calls to see you again and give him really good sex. Other than that, do something nice for yourself, don’t let yourself fall to pieces.

    Start planning on moving on because you may have to. If he doesn’t call soon and tell you he loves you, give it up.

    He knows you are waiting. Don’t beg.

    #745785 Reply

    Lisa

    Sounds fishy. If your ‘boyfriend’ isn’t in contact with you at least daily or every other day then he is not your boyfriend. You may not see him everyday, but people in committed/one on one relationships check in with each other. Two weeks have passed and he still doesn’t want contact with you….something is definitely up and I don’t think it’s work. He’s either phasing you out and doesn’t have the guts to be an adult and break things off with you or he’s spending his time and effort on someone else. Everyone gets busy with work, if everyone put their relationships on hold for that no one would be in relationships.

    #745787 Reply

    Nathalie

    Agree 100% with Lisa!

    This is a load of bull..if my bf over a year is that busy to say a hello in 2 weeks, then what is the point of him being in my life? We ain’t dating, we are sharers of self!! So what exactly are we constructing here. It looks like he is building his future while you are left out of it.

    My advice, if this busy schedule has an ending point where in another week or so he’ll be freer then that’s fine, you can be patient and wait for him to get things done. He would thank you for it and glad he has you for understanding. But if this is his normal working schedule now and won’t end then best to free him from a relationship.

    Let him go do what he needs to do. Because you’re the one not living your life waiting around for him to tell you what’s going to happen to the two of you. That’s too much power to give a man. You can make decisions too not just him. So assess things well, if there’s a deadline then you need to be more understanding..if there’s none in sight then you have to think of your future too and put yourself as priority.

    #745790 Reply

    anon

    You are not compatible in a very key area

    The above is all you need to know. You are incompatible. You are not needy. You just want a guy who can give you more attention. He is not a guy who will give you attention. There are very busy/stressed out men who can and do dote on their girlfriends, even if it is texting or a call. Then there are men who get busy and stressed and fully withdraw.

    There are women who are OK going a couple days without communicating in a relationship (I was this way). It drove my ex nuts (he was a daily communicator when in the field for work). Talking to me helped him with his stress. He’d probably do fine with a woman like you and not at all find you to be needy. He’d love a message or 6 from you every day.

    You are allowed to have needs and wanting daily communication with a partner that you have committed to is not unreasonable. However, is request for space is also not unreasonable. So you two either need to compromise or find more compatible partners.

    #745990 Reply

    Buzzy

    Drove by his house and saw a strange car there and he has a new woman friend on Facebook. They are liking each other’s posts. Pretty sure I know why he has been distant now. I am heartbroken.

    #745998 Reply

    Better off single

    Block him.

    Or

    Knock on his door say you were just passing by put him in a tough situation for the anxiety he has caused you. Bring cookies. See what’s up.

    #746002 Reply

    Buzzy

    I thought about stopping by but I figured he wouldn’t answer the door or he would call the police on me.

    #746004 Reply

    Karen

    Call the police? What aren’t you telling us about your story? People don’t just call the police because you dropped by to say hi.

    #746010 Reply

    Buzzy

    Because he has been acting really weird lately and gets mad easily. I just don’t know how mad he would get if I showed up uninvited. I used to do it and it was fine but once he started working midnights (which he is done with now) he said he needed to be alone when relaxing before work.

    It has been 3 weeks since I have seen him. I texted him last night and asked if I would see him again. He said he would contact me today which he hasnt yet. Strange car was still there. I am convinced he has some girl there. Not sure why he just doesn’t tell me to F off. He has certainly been mean enough to me lately to do so.

    #746012 Reply

    Buzzy

    It really hurts to know she is getting his attention and affection now. I am so unbelievably sad and want to run over there and see him.

    #746015 Reply

    Honeypie

    OP how about you tell him to F off. Tell him that you don’t think his behaving in a way that makes you want to be involved with him, as he’s disappointed you in how he’s been and You can only assume it’s done. The man sounds an utter jerk and you deserve a man who doesn’t behave like this

    #746020 Reply

    TeaDaze

    Call him out by telling him the truth:
    That you are missing him, but tired of waiting around to have a conversation about what is going on in person.
    So you decided to swing by his place to see him, but decided not to knock because of a strange car in the driveway.

    That way, he knows you made an effort and can’t really accuse you of stalking since
    1) you used to go by his place unannounced.
    2) he practically didn’t give you a choice but to hunt him down since he didn’t keep his word of being in touch and set up a time to see you

    I hate you’re in this place tonight, and have to work off assumptions.

    Of course, as others said, you can draw your conclusions from his current behavior, take your power back and just walk away.
    Your closure being you blocking him without word.

    If he has any of his stuff at your place, drop it off, ideally while the other car is still there (for a cheap thrill, I admit)

    #746022 Reply

    Karen

    If he hasn’t seen you in three weeks you can assume this is pretty much over. You gave him a chance to contact you about a get together and he has blown you off. Take your power back and be the one to end things with him. Why do you want a man who ignores you, lies to you, and treats you mean? I would not stop by his house. That’s unnecessary drama. I would stop contacting him and see what happens, but right now if he hasn’t made effort to see you in almost a month that speaks volumes.

    #746024 Reply

    Emma

    Most of the time, this “space” business means exactly what you are experiencing. He is keeping you at the back burner just in case. If he has not contacted you in 3 weeks, he ghosted, expecting you to get the “hint”. He did not even bother to give you basic decency and tell you that this is over.

    For some reason you think he’d treat a new girl like he was nobility. he won’t, he would treat you the same way he treated you. And in time he’d ghost on her too. It is HER bad luck, and it is YOUR good luck, to be rid off this jerk. I hope you start seeing things this way soon.

    #746028 Reply

    Buzzy

    He contacted me in those three weeks but it was sporadic and nothing in person. He may just as well have completely ghosted. I believe it is as you say, I am on the back burner at that is too painful for me.

    #746029 Reply

    Patti

    Is there more to this story than you’re telling. Need some background info on how the relationship has been working out for a year

    #746030 Reply

    Buzzy

    I think it has been going on for over a year because I let him get away with whatever he wanted pretty much. It really hasn’t been ideal and I am ashamed to admit that. I was mostly anxious and should have walked a while ago but I genuinely love him. Sadly, I realize he didn’t feel the same way even though he has told me he loves me. Lately, though, it hasn’t felt that way. My feelings were real. Apparently, his were not.

    #746033 Reply

    Karen

    Unfortunately it’s a tough lesson to learn. If he has been treating you poorly since the very beginning, and you allowed it, the relationship was framed up to keep occurring with this pattern. One thing to understand is that people, both men and women, do not respect other people who act as doormats and lack self respect. It sounds like that was your situation. Overtime, the person may take advantage of you and be with you. Then their lack of respect gets to the point that they start looking elsewhere. Because they become bored.

    Sounds like this relationship was never in a good place but you clung on. His anger towards the end was perhaps because he was eventually hoping you would get a clue he was breaking away, without having to tell you. Some men will ignor you like this and behave especially badly just to get you to be the one to do the breaking up. That may be his motive right now. He mAy be keeping you on backburner if you don’t muster the strength to just end this.

    #746043 Reply

    Buzzy

    This was the last text I sent him last night. Was I wrong in sending it? I was just so tired of wondering what was going on.

    “When you told me you like to have your space, I didn’t know you meant I would never see you again”

    His response:
    “I told you I would get ahold of you tomorrow I’m getting sick of the random bulsh@t”

    He hasnt gotten ahold of me today. I am sure he won’t ever contact me again

    Also, my dad is very sick and I have been extra stressed and worried which has added to my anxiety.

    I feel I am in the wrong.

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