Need help handling Mother in Law


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This topic contains 10 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Raven 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #760197 Reply

    Laura

    My MIL (mother in law) gives me plenty of anxiety regarding personal space and boundaries. Despite she makes it appear she means all well and ‘loves’ me (has known me for 2years), I still feel it is semi fake. She is overly attached to my husband/her son, and keeps him as the golden child. She has no interests apart from cooking to her husband (which is a chore) and her grown up kids that she treats as carers as well as incompetent children.

    My MIL forces me to call her home my home. She does not like that I spend time with my own mother, call my childhood home home, and it seems like she is constantly comparing herself to my mother. She also does not understand or like that I frequently visit my family and mother who lives abroad. She thinks I should love her family more. She is also very critical and has never said anything positive about me. Eg, when I cut my hair the only thing she blurted out ‘ you cut your hair’, she made a face but said nothing else. There are so many of these examples.

    My husband tries to make his mother understand to take a step back and not be so forceful with me, but it does not seem to work. My husband and I have lived together for 2 years, and soon we are moving to the flat I bought as it is bigger than by husband’s and we are trying to get children. I do not want to have her over because she will only be judgmental. She has also started pushing for a second wedding (first one was a blessing), altough she initially said that’s up to me and my husband to organise because it is not her religion.

    I really want counselling but it feels so wasteful when she is the one who needs the councelling! Her daughter feels the same feelings as I do, which is interesting. She feels pushed, forced, and unable to make her own decisions. At least she can tell her own mum off.

    Anyone else in similar situation?

    #760198 Reply

    Laura

    Just to add, she once asked her husband if I treat him well! This hurt.

    #760199 Reply

    Laura

    Correction, she asked MY husband/ her son if I treat him well.

    #760201 Reply

    A

    I’m confused. Did you meet her before you got married? If so, then why would you still marry him knowing this about her? When you marry someone, you marry their family too. You not only have to love them but love their family as well. This will not get better, if you don’t change your attitude about her. I know she’s not your fav, but she’s your husbands mom, and you need to respect her. Just bite your tongue before you go over there, and force yourself to have fun. I’m sure she can sense that you don’t like her as to why she says snarky comments. Also, I suggest stop complaining to your husband about her as he can’t do anything to fix this. It’s his mom, whom he loves. You need to accept her as much as you accept him. It will end up causing martial problems in you keep doing this.

    #760202 Reply

    Veronica

    Well, your husband’s mother will not change….that’s certain. So she won’t start to respect you all of the sudden. Of course it’s always nice to respect other people, no matter how they treat us, however, you shouldn’t lose your identity….who you are. So the best way might be, as you already pointed out….to move away from her house and call your new house (or flat) a home. Maybe on some good day, try to have a conversation with her, and ask her, how she would feel if she were in your shoes, being isolated from your family. Maybe it is cultural thing….I don’t know your culture or religion. It might be related to that as well.
    Good luck Laura.

    #760203 Reply

    Omg

    I don’t get it. You have known her for two years. And then you say you have lived with husband for two years. The timing is off.

    #760205 Reply

    Veronica

    @OMG….maybe Laura didn’t know her husband’s mother before she started living with him. From her post it sounds like her family and her home is in another country, so she got to know her husband’s family after she moved over and lived with her husband. It’s just my impression, maybe I am wrong. The mother-in-law sounds insecure with herself and afraid of losing her son to his daughter-in-law. Some mother-in-laws are like that. Had one like that also.

    #760218 Reply

    Laura

    @Veronica thank you for the supporting words.

    @Omg. To be more specific with timings (if it matter at all), I met MIL first time after having dated my current ‘husband’ for 6 months. She was very reserved, but I was being me. He proposed after being together for 1 year (yes some of you may blame it went too quick but we are all different). We had a blessing after 6 months of being engaged mostly to respect his parents before moving abroad (and to start forming our own family!). The real wedding will happen when we organise it.

    I have never lived with my husband’s family, but we meet up for dinner and do small outings together. More so after getting engaged. My husband lived in his own apartment before we met, away from parents (still close by). I moved in with him after a year, now we have been living in another city due to his job, and about to move back into my bigger apartment upon returning ‘home’.

    Yes I am from abroad and mainly in the city where we met due to work (and where I now own an apartment). I fly home often to see my mother, family and friends as that is were my culture is. I was hoping to return home once my career is more established, but this proves difficult as my husband only speaks english.

    I try to manage the situation with the MIL who is so insecure and fearful about losing her son. It does not help that I am from a different culture and religion, so she finds it difficult to understand my ways of living life. Yet, she emigrated from Asia to the west in her 20s with her husband to find a better life. Her marriage was arranged and she has never been happy in it. Hence she is making my partner into her pseudo husband.

    I love my husband/partner to death, and whilst the family in law comes with your husband, I do not think you are marrying them. It is a two way street-both need to respect each other. I think it would be sad if everyone would end a relationship with someone they love if they don’t like everrtyhing about their in-laws?

    #760219 Reply

    Raven

    I had a bat sh!t crazy MIL, ignore her- don’t get sucked in- disengage…

    #760223 Reply

    Laura

    It is so difficult to disengage with MIL as I will hurt my husband. I wish it would be easier for the husband to see the problem, and not only say we ladies are too sensitive or blow things out of proportion.

    #760224 Reply

    Raven

    Either set up some boundaries of be stuck with Mr. mamas boy.

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