This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by EM 4 months, 3 weeks ago.
December 15, 2018 at 11:21 am #732397
I’ll try to make it short, but looking for help on what to do moving forward!
LDR for 3 months. We live in separate states. Short plane ride. We are both 33 yrs old, never married.
It’s been exactly two weeks since we last saw each other. I flew to visit him. I felt it was a solid visit being that I met his parents & also he started his own company/business three months ago, & that weekend he introduced me to not only his parents, but his girlfriend during his first company party.
The last day before I left, I felt he was not as affectionate with his body language, words, etc. The last day we also did not have sex. I felt something was off but after such a great weekend, I thought it may just be because I was leaving.
Now that it has been two weeks since we last saw each other communication has dwindled. He used to send good morning texts and he would Facetime three times a day (talk on average two hours daily).
Mixed Signal #1- Last Thursday I did say “Are we good?” he said ” I’ve been working a lot so not talked as much. I love so much about you, I guess I have been thinking about the distance more lately”
Still talking in between this period daily but not a lot.
Mixed Signal #2 (this week): “I love being with you. It is just hard right now”
I said “I still have no idea what that means”
He said “Sometimes I feel like you’re my best friend, not as much my lover. But I do want to be with my best friend. You bring out the best in me and I hope I do in you. I really value our connection and how we talk about everything”
Me: ” I get it. You’re feelings changed.
Him: “I want you as both. I really value what we have”
Me: “I do also. Still confused if you want to move forward or not ”
Him: “I am a little too. If you were here, it would be easier, but I want to make the right decision”
Me: “Sounds like you need some time to think”
Then he went back to being more affectionate after this, the same day with “babe” & more loving language.
I suggested maybe we stop talking? He said “I cannot imagine not having you in my life or not talking to you. You have brought an entire new dynamic to my life. I want to know if this is forever”
Again, this was said with a lot of “I don’t knows” by him. This was an hour conversation yesterday. After we hang up, he sent a kiss face.
He still reaches out every day but seems to be a lot of mixed signals, and he is not valuing me or seeing me as he once did.
What to do? Should I just stop talking? go no contact? Another red flag, no plans to visit.
I did think given our age we were both serious and miss him being open. Truly thought this was going to be long-term, perhaps end in marriage.December 15, 2018 at 12:10 pm #732407
He clearly is re-evaluating this relationship and if his heart is in it fully. Thats on the mark 3 month behaviour for a guy. To go no contact to push him forward is kind of cruel. Stop talking about how he feels. He will tell you for sure how he feels soon enough. I would back off though and treat him as a penpal for now. And mirror his behaviourDecember 15, 2018 at 3:13 pm #732423
These really aren’t mixed signals. Most men get into LDR and get excited at the prospect of a new woman. Then as time goes on they realize it isn’t fun for them. Men aren’t into non stop talking, which is why your FaceTime calls dropped off. Most men want to be spontaneous and see their woman when they want. You can’t do this without scheduling time off and a plane ride. Men are usually the ones who bow out of LDR as soon as the reality of the inconvenience, expense, and distance hit them. And he is directly telling you this. Through both words and actions.
He wants to keep you around because you are familiar and a good fallback plan for companionship, and now he is relieved because he told you he doesn’t feel this will work. So if you stick around and give attention or sex, he knows he made no promises about anything further.
You don’t have much choice but to back off, but I would not go visit him again unless he recants these mixed feelings, because that sets you up for fwb. At three months a man knows if he sees a future with you. It could be thr distance or it could be a combination of distance and not having strong enough feelings.
It also becomes the reality of someone having to move at some point as LDR aren’t long term sustainable. Doubt he will move if he just started a new business. And he would be reluctant to ask you to move unless he really sees a future. That could really backfire on both of you, or even send the wrong message if after another six months and you relocating, it doesn’t work out. So as you can see LDR rarely works especially if you met as a LDR and didn’t have a solid relationship ahead of time.
If it’s feelings, this definitely won’t get better because in LDR s absence doesn’t really make the heart grow fonder. Let’s face it, it’s the distance that’s the problem to begin with, so more space isn’t going to make things better. Just gives him and you more time to look for others and begin to move on.
I wouldn’t go no contact. I would let him do the initiating and if after a few weeks there are no more plans to visit and the conversation is platonic or just sexual, I would just tell him you see no point in continuing as you don’t feel the same way about each other or a possible future.December 16, 2018 at 2:54 am #732467
I think he is not very sure. but at the same time he doesn’t want to let you go while he figures what he wants. I think you asking pointed questions or trying to back him in your corner and make him say things will not work. your just going to make him go in the other direction. just remember that this is not a sure thing for him at this point in life. so you need to change your mindset a bit and get your head off from the clouds. think practical. take two steps back. don’t be all in and eager when hes not on the same footing as you. do other things. meet other people. don’t initiate. let him. and when he does act normal. breezy and friendly. don’t act very serious and intense. if he steps up you will have your answer. please just chill and stop backing him in a corner trying to put words in his mouth.December 17, 2018 at 5:52 pm #732639
We had a conversation over the weekend & he said ” I feel crazy about you, I feel this is serious in way like we date then get engaged the next month. I love you as a person, I love that you would be a reliable wife”
Again this is long distance and his communication has dropped off.
Still no answers. Thoughts?December 17, 2018 at 6:10 pm #732642
Realistically, when could you move to be with him? It sounds like he’s serious about you. But he won’t be able to hold on indefinitely without a plan for you to be with him. If you can’t move within 12 months, it’s probably going to have to end.
@Joe, I think she meant he introduced her as his girlfriend.December 17, 2018 at 6:13 pm #732645
I work remote so it could happen? But it’s only been a few months in . Just not sure how to approach communication or to give space. Tough to tell if he’s stringing it along or tell what he wants from me?December 17, 2018 at 7:39 pm #732649
Better off single
Do you think maybe he could be love bombing you to keep you interested?
In an LDR, you just know it would work out. You have solid plans or make them and keep them. It should not should not be a guessing game. Unless you’re working on fine tuning psychic/intuitive abilities or something.December 17, 2018 at 9:41 pm #732655
It seems like he really likes you but can’t be sure because of the distance. The only way to know is to take a chance. As someone posted, you don’t need more space in a LDR.
The “chance” is to say something like “You know, I’ve been thinking a lot about the situation and feel the only way to truly know if we’ll work is to spend more time together. Since you just started your business and I can work remotely, I thought perhaps I could get a month to month apartment and we see how it goes between us”.
Maybe you can lease your apartment monthly and move – short term – to see if you’re a good match. If you find that you’re not then go back home. But at least you’ll know you gave it a real shot.
Spending time together really is the only way to know.December 28, 2018 at 1:55 pm #733833
Update: he said I have been playing games & I said well you’ve been so wishy washy which has led to confusion on my part & not being as open.
I then asked him basically if I shouldn’t waste any more time?
His response “I mean I have so much love for you but not sure if it has been the distance or what that makes it seem a little off”
Thoughts?December 28, 2018 at 2:19 pm #733839
The problem is the distance I think. From the very beginning he has been pointing that out. Have you talked to him about getting closer? If he has business where he lives I doubt he will want to move, so that would have to be on you. Is that something you can do? If you can rule out the distance you’ll have a clearer answer to the status of the relationship.December 28, 2018 at 6:53 pm #733867
Absolutely, tell him that you feel you each need space.December 28, 2018 at 8:05 pm #733873
Ignore my comment. Just follow his lead. As long as he is pursuing you, all good.January 10, 2019 at 3:31 pm #735652
UPDATE: So to refresh to the original story, in an LDR for 4 months, started off that way, both in our thirties, he was very consistent, became serious, saw each other every 2-3 weeks, met families, talked about marriage etc. Inviting me to holidays, every important event in his life, establishing commitment (boyfriend/gf , exclusive) . Saying this got super serious and I see us “dating for a few months then getting engaged”
Around the 22nd, he dropped off communication (we used to video chat 2X a day, and about two calls a day, all from his initiating and close text contact)
The last three weeks he completely stopped initiating calls only texts but scarce like once or twice a day (right before holidays)
He is now says we’re “better off as friends”. I said I had real feelings for you & the way you dropped off hurt but want you to find the same feelings.
He said “I have had those same feelings for you too” . My guess is maybe he found someone local, and not telling me. But how can a guy go from seeing me as a friend after being so serious in a romantic way?
Should I just completely go no contact? What is going on?
It’s been rough so appreciate any thoughts!!January 10, 2019 at 7:24 pm #735673
Hi Molls-well that is all weird, and must be hurtful. The best guess I have is the distance was a problem,he was evaluating that/things- and then he met someone nearby.
Sorry but I think you just need to let him go-he could keep going hot and cold and wasting your time otherwise. I would not “be friends”-that is a recipe for more pain.
Tell him you are moving on and you wish him well. Then go no contact-don’t reply to contact from him. Find guys to date that are close by so you can have a real and steady dating life with them. Good luck!January 11, 2019 at 5:23 am #735713
You definitely need to go no contact for your own sanity.
He’s ended it, it doesn’t really matter why; but he probably did meet someone local who got him super excited, making it easy to forget the woman who his head suggested was a really good long term prospect – but maybe you didn’t make his heart flutter quite enough to avoid others doing so.
At least now you can move on with your life and find someone close by who appreciates all you have to offer xJanuary 11, 2019 at 5:44 am #735718
the writing was on the wall.. the minute you started getting doubts was the moment it began to end. you cant do much.. do not try to change his mind and stop initiating all contact. try moving on. hes been dong this yoyo thing post the 3 month mark. take back your power and cut him loose.January 11, 2019 at 7:29 am #735723
I am watching something like that happen with my bf’s son and his son’s reported gf. He was dating a girl long distance and she was flying out to see him. Now he meets new girl he works with and has completely ignored long distance girl. He is 32 and I think he doesn’t even give it a second thought. Definitely assume it’s a break up and begin moving on by not contacting him again.January 11, 2019 at 11:53 am #735744
Thank you all for advice.
@ANON Can I ask where she was flying out to? How far distance between the two cities?January 31, 2019 at 7:23 am #738189
Hi Molls, sorry to hear about the situation you’re in. I know first hand that is hurts when you don’t know what is going on really and the guy is sending mixed signals.
From what I have observed, guys like to keep options open and it’s not very practical for them to shut girls down completely because “who knows what might happen one day”.
I’m also in a LDR of 4 months, a bit different situation but there are some similarities. Just like in your case, we used to message and call A LOT in the beginning, then after some 3 months the volume has dropped. However, he still texts and calls daily… the feeling is not the same though. He says he doesn’t know what he wants in the future but he loves me. Guys can get confused when it comes to future plans/commitments, especially if it’s a girl they don’t know 100%… while us girls, we like to picture the future even if we don’t know the guy 100% but WE HOPE he’s the one.
If he told you that you are better off as friends, it’s a polite way of ending the relationship but also not cutting you off in case he might change his mind in the future. Best thing for you is to stop the contact and move on – even though it must hurt AF.