Need Closure

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    Need advice regarding a situation. It’s more of a matter of having closure.

    A bit of background first. I was in an abusive marriage for many years. My ex was an alcoholic and manipulator. When we first married, I moved across the country with him and left my parents, friends and extended family. We ended up having 2 kids and after they were born, I eventually decided I wanted a divorce. He moved back to our hometown and shortly after, I moved back as well with the kids and I got full custody of them in 2016 and have been a single mom since then.

    Pursuant to this, in 2016, I began a career with a great company. I met a man at work that I was really interested in, which I know is a huge faux pas to be interested in a colleague, but I couldn’t help be attracted to him. From when we first met, we flirted a lot, i would catch him staring at me at office events and by the end of 2016, we were talking on the phone regularly. We went out to lunch a few times during the work day and also once outside of work, a few days before Christmas. He told me he was reluctant to date a coworker, he didn’t want things getting messy, but he continued talking to me on the phone regularly and I really thought we had a connection.
    Being an introvert, i rarely open up to anyone about the details of my life, especially my past with my ex. But I opened up to this man. On New Years 2017, he wished me a happy new year right at midnight. Later that day, my crazy ex broke into my home and waited for me in the dark to get home. I called the police and had him arrested. I told the whole story to this new guy and since then, the conversations started dying. We hardly talked anymore, and he became distant and basically did the “slow fade” kind of thing. A few weeks later I come to find out through coworkers that he started seeing someone. Fast forward a couple years later, him and this woman travelled all over the world and they bought a home together.
    I know they are happy and I would never be a home wrecker, but I can’t help but still have feelings for him. I know he probably doesn’t even think of me anymore, but I feel like I never got closure from this situation. I want to know why he suddenly stopped talking to me and started seeing this woman. Was it the fact that I had kids or the crazy ex. I feel like I need to know what went wrong or I’ll never be able to move on from this.

    #769836 Reply


    Erin, you’re never going to know for sure unless you call him up and ask him. But even then there’s no guarantee he will tell you the truth. He might tell you something to be polite. And after you talked to him, assuming you could find him and he would take your call, then you’d be going crazy trying to figure out another set of questions that come up after that. I know you think you will feel better if you get some “answers” but trust me, it’s a bottomless pit.

    Here’s all that matters: not the guy for you. You didnt’ do anything “wrong”. Let’s say that he backed off after hearing about your crazy ex story or because you had kids. You don’t want a guy that can’t handle the truth of who you are (a mother) what’s happening in your life! It sounds more to me like he was reluctant to date someone from the office – smart guy – and was just being a friend. And it sounds like he met someone else outside work and he’s very happy. If you care for him, you should be happy he’s happy.

    And also… honey, it’s 2019. All this happened what, two years ago?? I hope you’re not holding onto this to not date anyone else. You’ve idealized him. He’s not all that and bottom line is, if he was the right guy for you, he’d be with you and not elsewhere.

    Keep reading this until you train your brain that this is the truth and not that you did something wrong or were undesirable.

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