This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Dangerouse 5 months, 3 weeks ago.
July 29, 2019 at 12:12 am #758425
Am just needing some advice from all of you.
I have been together with my bf for 4 months already, and we’re still in the loving relationship. However, there is something that is bugging me where it is something unusual with him (Based on my own judgement).
My bf was not from this country, and he has just landed himself a job last year Dec. He was so lonely that time where he was just broke up with his ex in his home country. Long story short, he starts hooking up with girls, and have a few FWB. Ultimately, he has this FWB which he would like to be friends with, and he has stopped having sex with her. Let me call this lady June. June was actually having some feelings for my bf, and my bf just trying to maintain the platonic friendship without sex.
Until 4 months ago, my bf met me, and we’re so compatible. He told me about his past encounter, and I was okay with it. Until when the FWB start getting into me that they have sex before, and my bf still chatting with her occasionally, with her msg “Hows your weekend?” This makes me wonder if I should trust my bf, as he is really not just secretly lying to me and have sex with her.
I have tried to communicate with my bf, and fight over this issue, where I told him I’m not comfortable with him still being friends with her. He said that she helped him a lot during his alone time when he is new to this country, and he can’t just leave her like this. In his mind, she is still his friends, and I’m his gf, so why I should be worrying about this.
He even mentioned that I should changed my attitude, as this is up to his neck as this issue has been surfaced every alternate week. And if not, he will break up with me.
I’m trying my best not to think about it, but whenever I watch porn or thinking about my bf, June will appear and causes more insecurity.
Hope there is anyone that can give me his/her point of view.
Thanks…..July 29, 2019 at 12:22 am #758426
I think he should stop. But I know a lot of people will say that you need to trust your boyfriend and work on your own insecurities. I’m in a different camp. She has feelings for him, there was sex involved relatively recently (within a year, if I understood) – no wonder it makes you feel insecure. Sure, everyone has a right to have friendships outside of relationships, but there are limits to this, and crossing those limits is simply disrespectful. So if I was in your shoes, it would be him hearing the ultimatums, not the other way round.July 29, 2019 at 1:49 am #758427
Also, what kind of a man has several FWBs and a girlfriend – since December? That’s 7 months. And then he keeps in touch with one of his FWBs, for all you know, there could be more. And you’ve only been together for 4 months, you don’t even know him that well… maybe that’s the more important reason why you feel insecure. sounds a bit like he likes to play around, doesn’t it? Of course, this doesn’t have to be right, just food for thought.July 29, 2019 at 2:43 am #758430
Evidently she matters more than losing you.
He has essentially told you, he would rather lose you as a girlfriend than her as a friend?
I agree trust needs to come into this but it will be hard since he has hooked up with her, which will inevitably cause you some degree of insecurities.
I personally dont see this working. It seems like she will always be at the back of your mind.July 29, 2019 at 2:53 am #758433
I think if he has given you an ultimatum I would walk. no one can actually answer this. it is possible that he just views her as a friend who was there for him when he needed someone or there is more to this than genuine liking and gratitude. what do your instincts say? have you found any communication between them that could be a red flag? in this whole situation what was a potential red flag for me was his threat of walking out on you for her. he did not have to say that.July 29, 2019 at 8:10 am #758440
I have a different take simply because I myself was in this arrangement when I had no desire to be in a relationship and just enjoying each other’s company for awhile. I never had those loving feelings for him, I cared for him like a good friend cares about another good friend but that’s where my feelings started and ended.
Our FWB ended as I became consumed with my new business but I still relied on him for his technical expertise when having an issue and he was there, as a platonic friend, to help me out when I need it. Although we no longer keep in contact as we both have naturally gone our separate ways, and my BF has that expertise so he fixes and handles it for me now, if he popped back in my life I would not abandon him, as he really is a good person, someone I wouldn’t just abandon because I’m in a relationship with someone else.
She’s an important person to him, someone who was there as he was going through a hard time and trying to get on his feet. For you to ask him to just abandon her because you entered the picture is being petty. Maybe if you met her you would actually like her and see the same qualities in her that your BF did and does? Like they say “pick your battles carefully” whereas this is not a battle you want to wage but a time you should carefully watch, listen and observe him to see if he passes the ‘trust test.’ Trust is earned and this is a good way to learn about his character to determine if he’s someone you want to continue with based on how he interacts with others, especially women, who he has to work and deal with on a regular basis.July 29, 2019 at 11:29 am #758450
I agree with lane on this. A meeting could put all your fears to rest or help you make up ur mind.July 29, 2019 at 10:39 pm #758474
T from NY
It’s good boyfriend 101 to not chat with other women who have feelings for you and you’ve seen naked and have had intercourse with DUH. They can be friends and only talk occasionally or catch up every few months if they are really “just friends”. Regular, consistent contact is disrespectful to you and ESPECIALLY if she has feelings for him he shouldn’t be initiating the communications or feeding into hers. He likes the attention. And I can’t be with men who are like this.July 31, 2019 at 9:52 am #758606
I think you should believe him. Be generous.