My situation


This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Bedazzle 3 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #699119 Reply

    anon

    My problem is that I try and drive relationships, don’t let guys lead.
    So, had a date with an OK guy, I’d see him again. He texts immediately after that he wants to see me again, so I said “Sure, that would be fun to go out again”. His follow up was “Just let me know when”. So basically he put me in the position of having to ask for the next date, correct? Should I just wait for him to offer up a date and time?



    #699122 Reply

    Emma

    That’s exactly what he did, and he knows it very well, you are not his first date are you?

    You can reply, sure I will let you know when you ask me with a nice emoji

    Or you can simply say, what do you suggest? or what do you have in mind?

    #699124 Reply

    Bedazzle

    No, I don’t think he put you in the position of asking for the next date. He was asking when you are available. Men tend to communicate short hand and somethings not that well depending on the guy. Don’t make it too difficult for him.
    I would have said I am free on…whatever day. What are you thinking?
    Ball politely back in his court and he gets to figure it out.

    #699126 Reply

    anon

    He strikes me as a game player which I really don’t care for. I don’t like him enough to do that dance.

    I’ll do the vague “weekends are generally good with some planning” and let the chips fall where they may.

    That’s how guys roll around here. Flood with attention, first date, flood with attention post date but never commit to or ask for the second date.

    #699127 Reply

    Kathy


    I don’t like what he said either, anon..

    He probably knows he should ask you out.. I feel like so many of these online guys are trying to see how much attention they can accumulate.

    You said that’s how guys roll around here.. Do you mind me asking where you live?
    I’m trying to figure out if this happens mostly in biggish cities.

    Someone wrote recently in a post(I think today) that you shouldn’t expect hardly any of this online stuff to go anywhere. Then why is so many people online? Is it only the women who want something meaningful? Or that it’s just so hard to connect when you meet this way?

    #699129 Reply

    anon

    I find that a lot of men (big city) use me as an ego boost. I’m very “conventionally attractive” – blonde, nice figure, pretty, but in my 40’s. They have a good date with me, get positive feedback, go back online, take some shots with younger/hotter, THEN recircle back to me with tales of woe.

    I think the men do want something meaningful with a younger woman, guys in my city (big city) date 10 years younger. Men who are legit interested in me are late 50’s to mid 60’s and I have zero in common with them. I have the best “relationship” luck with late 30’s. There are also a ton TON of women in this town who are 20 somethings who LOVE LOVE LOVE casually dating older guys who will pay for everything.

    #699133 Reply

    Kathy


    These guy are so foolish anon.. I have the same trouble you do, but only older.

    And I am very attractive also for my age. Younger men pay more attention to me then guys my age or a little older in my category. I am just as successful and attractive(usually more so) than these older guys, but I am like you.. I think many of them just want an ego boost and I just don’t do that cart blanche..

    I agree, most are happy to casually date younger women that make them feel good about themselves.

    I am waiting for someone really good to come along.. not settling for guys who can’t complement us!

    I only have one great guy I my back pocket that I like.. But sadly he is LD. Friends introduced us.

    I do think there is something bout meeting online that does not necessarily foster connections..

    #699135 Reply

    anon

    What happens is that they turn 55, start lying about their age, try and casually date 45 year old women who decide that if I’m going to be treated like that, I’ll pass my time with the 28 year old from the gym with abs and no money.

    And yes, hopefully the right man will come along.

    #699151 Reply

    ali

    “when are you available” seems fine to me. Just answer the question but put the ball back in his court to plan the date– say

    “I’m around this weekend– Saturday night, or Monday or Wednesday eves work for me as well. What did you have in mind?”

    And then let him plan the date.

    #699163 Reply

    Laura

    You said he was an okay dude so maybe you just aren’t feeling him anyway.

    Tell him when you are available. It doesn’t matter that you are in your 40s and whatnot. Use your strengths @ 40. The way you can’t compete with young things and their youth, they can’t compete with your worldliness and lived experiences.

    Chica, be the queen you are and if they aren’t about it, move on. Some men stay stuck immature and you don’t have time for all that!!

    #699169 Reply

    anon

    So I followed up and asked him what was good for him. Of course “anytime” so I suggested Tues and got a “that may work”. Total non committal.

    #699171 Reply

    Becky

    So you said Tuesday- so he can “drive” this now. And if he doesn’t confirm anything by Sunday- you should have other plans Tuesday and not see him.
    He seems to be keeping his options open as should you. If something better comes along- let him know Tuesday won’t work. You seem to be very cool about it.
    In my opinion, most men date for fun and don’t date looking for a serious relationship. If a man meets the right woman then he is serious and will prioritize the relationship. In the meantime work, friends, family come first. I just think women- myself included- prioritize men much earlier than they deserve to be.

    #699177 Reply

    Khadija

    He probably is dating other women online and weighing his options.

    I agree with Bedazzle give him until Sunday and if he doesn’t follow up don’t accept a last minute date.

    If he is only ok to you then keep dating, I’d rather be dating someone better than just ok to me.

    #699207 Reply

    T from NY

    Not picking on you — but I can tell from your post that you are a bit cynical about the whole dating process. Which is natural with the state of dating these days… But though it’s true that each age bracket has its special challenges — don’t send the vibes out to the universe (or to the men you’re dating) that you’re too old to catch their attention. As they say — it only takes ONE man to (hopefully) make you happy and there are A LOT of fish in the sea!!

    What this guy is doing is what a lot of men of ALL ages do when trying to procure a follow up date. I would have replied “Thanks! I’m available Tuesday evening or Saturday afternoon this week. Let me know if either of those times work for you.” Then watch and wait if he is courteous and consistent by following up. If he doesn’t — make other plans. You do not have to overthink it OR have an expectation of how he’s “supposed” to do it.

    The problem nowadays with online dating is that we’ve all lost our patience and are sad then men have so many choices. Yet women have all the power!! The greatest of which is doing NOTHING at all (except making ourselves happy and having a full life) And maybe you’ll come back and say — you do, you do — have an amazing life. I’m not patronizing. I’m
    just saying — if you do — take pleasure in living and don’t stress. The man is either gonna secure another date with you and subsequently court you. Or he’s not.

    #699211 Reply

    T from NY

    ps. What women also need to remember is — roughly 95% of men online are looking for sex. While 95% of women are looking for love. The odds are not great for women seeking long term relationships. But it does happen. And online is the way of the world now. Of course seeking opportunities outside of apps is always a great idea. But if your town or circumstances make online the most accessible way to meet men — just work really hard at managing expectations and being joyful. Take time off when needed to regroup and re-center. It’s the only way to stay sane. And positive. And happy 😊

    #699241 Reply

    Jo

    Love what T from NY says.
    Live a happy life and men will be like bees to honey.
    Projecting frustration makes men run.
    Be the person everyone wants to be around

    #699247 Reply

    anon

    I do live my best life and I probably am jaded.
    I actually don’t believe most guys online are looking for sex. If they are, they aren’t going about it efficiently. I had my hook up phase and those men acted very differently and were upfront.
    How do you get laid if you just sit there and play attention games with women? You have to physically meet the woman yet so many of these guys who claim to want relationships are seemingly desperate for attention. Excessive texting. Calls. Then fairly open to a first meeting, excessive communication after the first date (so I presume you find me attractive) then reluctant for a second date, not even offering a booty call.

    Sitting back with these guys truly doesn’t seem to work. It just gets level 10 desperate texting from them, and no follow up date.

    Tuesday guy (after being non committal) texted me 6 more times last night with no response from me. Stupid stuff. How was your day? What are you up to? It’s like they need texts like a crack addict.

    #699282 Reply

    Bedazzle


    Anon, In your first post you wrote that one of your problems is that you try and drive the relationship and don’t let the guy lead. You are doing the same thing with this guy.

    In General, most guys who are good at relationships suck at courting. Men who are good at courting tend to be players (because they get a lot of practice) and suck at relationships. If you want to find a man who is good relationship material, you have to make the courting process easy for him. What do I mean by that? Be like a gracious hostess where you welcome him getting to know you. To be blunt, don’t put up stupid barriers that don’t need to exist, like your text exchange for the next date and the attitude that you have developed as a result of it.

    Christian Carter spoke of a good concept he calls back leading. This might work for you. The woman is leading the man without him knowing it. An example would be a woman telling a man if he asks her out she will say yes. He now knows if he leads, he will be successful. Men like to pursue women, but if she makes it too hard, he will lose interest fast.

    In this situation, he asked you when you were available next. Instead of just answering, you first judged the way he asked you and then made the assumption he is a game player. That is something you are doing in your head and not giving him a chance based on 5 words he texted to you. Maybe he is a game player which you will find out soon enough, but don’t you want to at least give him a fair chance? If not then you should not have written “Sure, that would be fun to go out again”.

    Then instead of letting the man lead and telling him when you were available, you ask him when he is available. Of course you are going to get a non-committal response. He hasn’t thought about when he is available. He is waiting to hear when you are available so he can plan something. If he is going to lead and plan that date, why do you need to know when he is available? You just took the ball back and it should stay in his court, if he is going to lead.

    Then after that, he starts reaching out to you, but you ignore him because you have decided that he is a game player and you didn’t like the 5 words he texted to you….asking you out again for god’s sake. Again being blunt, YOU are making it difficult for this man to get to know you and YOU are playing the games and being rude quite frankly.

    Men like to be with women who are fun and easy to please regardless of age. A lot of men prefer the company of an older attractive woman. There is nothing more sexy than a mature attractive woman who is happy and fun to be around. You sound jaded and difficult.

    I hope I don’t come across too harsh. My desire is to help you see something you are actively doing to sabotage getting something going with a potentially decent guy. Make it easy for the guy, give him the benefit of the doubt and appreciate the efforts a man makes to “chase” you. Even if it is with 6 stupid texts.

    If you show up and be gracious, you will see soon enough if he is worth continuing to be gracious for or moving on. But you have to give them a chance to get that far. Good luck.

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