This topic contains 23 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by peggy 9 months, 4 weeks ago.
August 27, 2019 at 5:10 pm #766235
Not sure if anyone will remember my old post but my ex boyfriend was abusive and when I finally managed to get away from him, he followed me everywhere, would talk to people about me to dig for information on me, would stalk me at my work place, and also threaten the people I get close to. I filed the restraining order that many of you on here encouraged me to do. This was 8 months ago.
All his stalking made me paranoid but the restraining order helped! My life was quiet and I felt peaceful and was able to smile again. I’ve recently began to date and someone in particular has been standing out from the rest and we had been talking serious for 10 weeks now. Last weekend I went to his best friend’s engagement party with him that he invited me to. It was a big event with many people there. We had such a lovely time and it was a plus for me as we got closer for he admitted to me that he was falling. However, today he messaged me saying that my ex had approached his mother (apparently they work for the same company but different department) and he has been asking questions about her sons relationship with me. Im pretty sure there was someone at that party that went and told my ex I was there with him. I still haven’t gotten detailed information about what exactly was said but his mom told him that it seems that my ex is quite obsessed with me and that he should stay away from all these problems. Meaning stay away from me. I have told the guy about my ex as we got closer, so he knew before hand about him. I told him it doesn’t matter what my ex is doing, he will not take away my happiness, I have the right to continue with my life and be happy. What I do is none of his business! But he says now it’s different because he values his mothers opinion and would do anything for her especially now that she literally asked him to stay away. I asked him if this means he is leaving, he told me he will sleep on it. I am torn. I’m not sure if what my ex did violates the restraining order but I feel really discouraged because he keeps ruining everything good that happens for me.
I need advice on what to do please because the guy I’m seeing asked me to not do anything for the sake of his mother as she specifically asked him not to tell me about what my ex said to her. We were suppose to meet on Thursday, now I dont know if we will. And since he said he will think about it/sleep on it I didn’t push. We said goodnight and that’s where we are now.
If I end up losing this then clearly he is still winning and I will spiral into a depressed state with all the paranoia that no one will want me because of him. And that’s exactly what he wants! How do I fight?August 27, 2019 at 5:25 pm #766236
You should be seeking legal advice, not dating advice. Unfortunately when you have an ex that is abusive like this, it is safer for someone not to get involved. I’ve read many stories of crazy exes who come back and injure the ex gf and or the new bf. It’s a dangerous place to be put in. I don’t think it’s his moms influence, I think his own radar went off when he heard your ex approached and involved his own mother. I really don’t have any good advice for you. Stay safe. Consider relocating somewhere far away.August 27, 2019 at 5:33 pm #766237
I would also add that after 8 months this guy should already be in love with you and not just falling for you. I’m not buying the fact that he didn’t call you and speak to you specifically about what happened. Sending a text is cowardly and it makes me feel he is just using this as an excuse to bail. You don’t just drop some text bomb on someone you supposedly love and then shut them out saying you with have to sleep on it. I think there is more to this story than you know or are able to share.August 27, 2019 at 5:37 pm #766238
Dont give up. I think its very unfair that his mom told her som thos and then asked not to tell you. Its your life that has been impacted In a way you cant control.
I would let you guy sleep on it, but if he reaches out i would male it clear you want to talk to his mom about what he said exactly and explain to her the kind of guy he is.
Second i agree with Karen and seek legal advice. There is no way of knowing how dangerous this is, but if he knows about the guy and where his mom works, this might explode pretty fast. So if the two of you stay together you have to find a way om how you all can be save. I couldnt tell you how. Im really sorry you Have to deal with this over and overAugust 27, 2019 at 5:53 pm #766239
Excellent point, Karen, that he texted you.
If he loves you he would not break up via text.August 27, 2019 at 6:31 pm #766240
I agree with Karen I would seek legal advice and consider relocating.
Imagine if guy you were dating had a crazy ex who approached your mother.
I’m sorry this guy can’t seem to go away but, this seems serious.August 27, 2019 at 10:04 pm #766251
First and foremost I agree that you need legal advice. It seems to me he has violated the terms of the restraining order because he is harassing you through your boyfriend’s family. You might be able to have him arrested. I have been in a relationship with an abusive man and had to get a restraining order too, and believe me, when he tried to f*ck with me afterwards I pulled out all the legal stops. Abusers like to test your boundaries. Find out what your legal options are, fight back and show him he can’t win.
I also agree that there is something off about your boyfriend dropping this bomb on you via text and not even calling you, or better yet, speaking in person. Some things should not be done over text. This is one of them.
You said you’ve been together 10 weeks, that’s about 2.5 months right? 2-3 months is the time frame when guys tend to decide whether they want to pursue something long term with a woman. It may be that your boyfriend is unfortunately reaching the point where he is realizing he does not want a more serious commitment. The issue with your ex might be making him even more aware of that.
I think there are two separate issues here. The more serious issue is how to deal with your unstable ex. That situation needs to be get under control because it could become dangerous. The 2nd issue is whether or not your boyfriend wants to continue the relationship. There’s not a lot you can do about it unfortunately if he does not.August 27, 2019 at 10:51 pm #766252
Better off single
I’m kind of in a similar situation. Let me know how it pans out for you and what you come up with to get him to stop. I’ve tried just about everything. Psycho didnt scare him away, telling him flat out to leave me alone a billion times didn’t work, lying, complaining, crying, yelling and screaming, mirroring his behavior through my emotions,talking about other men or talking to other men just made him angry and he would do bad things to hurt me, publicly stating he was abusing me, doing everything a girlfriend shouldn’t do, I played along with his stupid games and wound up hurting myself worse. i hurt his feelings just like he did mine. He always finds a way to turn it back around on me and guilt trip me or give me doubts that I’m doing the right thing by staying away from him. I don’t get why he wants to hurt me and make my life miserable for feeling indifferent, to paranoid and depressed, to scared, to wanting it to end like it was just a nightmare and nothing ever happened, to wanting to just give up on life completely because it really felt like all the passion I had inside me was dying from the guilt, confusion, jealousy, and heartache.
When he’s not acting like a controlling abusive lunatic, he’s actually so very intelligent, sweet, and romantic. The guy he pretended to be to win me over when it all started was the guy I could see myself falling for. When his “bad” side came out that was when I was left confused and unsure to for sure i need to avoid him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him. I just want him to go away. So I can live my life in peace, not paranoid or scared of what is going to happen when I meet someone else. I don’t get why he can’t let go. no matter what I do, I cannot escape the guy. He doesn’t even want me,(i think hes married) he moved on, seems happier, him and his friends continue to troll my life. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this defeated.
It all started off with a yeah, I like you. I think you are attractive. ‘You have almost everything i want in a woman. You need to do this and that if you want to be with me.’ I didn’t want to to this or that. I wanted to do my own thing, like he was doing. I wasn’t even ready at all for a relationship and he just took over and broke me into tiny peices.
He didn’t like that i was indifferent, that i had decided a relationship wasn’t what I wanted at the time. I just wanted to casually date around for awhile to experience something I never had before, (I have never really dated. I was always pursued and then ended up in a long term relationship) and wanted space to figure things out and get my life together on my own. he and his friends weren’t having it and started judging me, then stalking me and harassing me. That’s where the battle started.August 28, 2019 at 12:42 am #766256
I assume you have a copy of the restraining order. Is he violating the terms?
Th issue with the new guy is that no matter he s reason, sounds like he wants out. And since his mother told him not to tell you, it’s going to be problematic to bring this up in court if he did violate his order because that isn’t going to help your case at all with the new guy.August 28, 2019 at 1:45 am #766258
@ better of single. I think you should start your own thread. The op has put up her post and initiated this thread which involves seeking views on some serious stuff she’s undergoing. so pls don’t divert other posters from that. that’s unfair. start your own thread.
@ sue – so sorry to hear what your being subjected to by an obsessed ex. I think you should seriously consider what the posters have suggested. you have got good advice.August 28, 2019 at 4:08 am #766262
Thank you all.
Just to clear up some, the new guy isn’t an official boyfriend but it was steps away to that, we have just been dating for a little over 2 months not 8 months. I got the restraining order 8 months ago but only started seeing the new guy for 2 months and 2 weeks. So to me things were proceeding fine, no rush and that’s how I wanted it.
And just before he messaged me we were on the phone 3 hours prior. He just got off work. When he got home we were WhatsApp chatting and he sent me a photo of his baby cousin and we were laughing at that because the little guy was putting up a fight to not take a bath. I could also see his mom in the background. So all seemed normal. Then 30 minutes later he messaged me and said he has something to talk to me about. And it’s about my ex. My alarms went ding ding and I called him. He did not pick up and texted back asking me not to call because his mom is still talking to him about it currently. So to my understanding he was telling me about this while his mom was still in the room. So I replied his messages as it was the only thing I can do to find out more. I asked if we can speak afterwards but when he replied he told me he just needs to sleep on it. That to me is him needing space to process so I complied.
I know he is freaked out but he wasn’t the type to run away from my situation as he knew of it prior to proceeding with me. But having his mom involved definitely changes things for him. He is really close to his mother (they only have eachother) and I feel like I wont be able to compete with her request as she’s a big influence in his life. And she now already has the wrong vibe about me due to this and I just feel beat.
@Karen, that’s exactly what I’m thinking, if he doesn’t want his mom to know that he told me of this, how can I take this further? She will eventually find out he told me if my ex gets poked by the law because I know for a fact that my ex will go and harass her for this. And matters will get worse.
I feel like I should leave him alone and not get him and his mom into this further. But I like him a whole lot and I dont want my ex to win. I haven’t been this happy since him and I could tell he was happy as well. But if he was backing out anyway and is using this situation as the reason to do so then..that’s unfair..I’m in so much pain.August 28, 2019 at 4:55 am #766263
I feel for you. I had the same situation with my ex. They are so obsessed that they will remain quiet and watch you from afar, but they are never gone. If you do well in your career they wont ruin that happiness, what they are really after is to ruin the happiness of a relationship with someone new. The minute they find out you are moving forward with someone they will try everything in their power to not allow you to have that. And in your situation your ex really went full blown on you. It’s very calculating, he did this the furthest away possible he can from you, but the damage hits the closest.
I dont understand why his mom did not report this to HR or something. And to ask her son to stay away from you, when clearly she could tell how obsess your ex is with you, heck she should have called the police herself. It’s none of your ex’s business if you want to start fresh with your life. And her son brings you that happiness, I think if I were the mom here I would ask to see you and help you with this on a sympathetic level like a daughter in need or tell my son to advise you on what to do about this loser. But I guess not everyone is the same, also without a doubt a lot of bad things has been said about you to her. That’s what the narcissist, stalker, obsessed exs do. They smear campaign you. So I understand if she sees you as trouble and is protective over her son.
I guess the advice I can give is, leave it up to your guy. It all depends on him now. You dont want to force him to be in this position with you, he has to want to. So whatever his final decision is, just understand that this is not something everyone can or want to get involved in. But if he was indeed falling for you, his love would be great and he will stand with you. Let us know the outcome please.August 28, 2019 at 5:14 am #766264
the only thing you can now hope for is that your current guy doesn’t turn his back on you.
you guys are in the getting to know each other stage still. though you told him about the obsessed ex, the thing is it was just in theory. now he is experiencing the real deal and through his mom! I don’t blame the mom for telling him to stay out of this. she does not know you well. she only has her son in terms of support so ofcourse she will be wary and protective about her only son. that’s but natural.
I think you should explore whether there is any way you can pursue regal remedies against the ex. I think if you give this new guy some time he will get back to you. I don’t think he will cut off things so easily with you. he wasn’t in a position to talk to you. let him thnk over this and connect with you.August 30, 2019 at 3:33 am #766469
Last we spoke was Tuesday, after he told me he will sleep on it, I didn’t reach out on Wednesday at all, I gave him his space. On Thursday we were supposed to meet up, that was the original plan before my ex did what he did. He was going to help me change coils on my vape device. (Not sure if anyone knows what a vape device is but he was the one who helped me buy one and built it). Anyway I messaged him to ask if we can still meet and do this and also get to talk about what happened. I was hoping we could do that if we were to part ways after if that was his decision. But he didn’t get back to me. Didn’t respond my message just read it. He didn’t block me or anything, he’s just silent. And to me that’s an answer. So I’m assuming he really is going to keep away. And I have no choice but to respect this. I want to scream and say how unfair this is, but I know it will only make me look bad. I know I did nothing wrong. And if he is choosing to leave so easily like that then I guess I’m gona need someone much stronger than this in that battle. It hurts a lot but I’m going to try and make peace with this as it is.August 30, 2019 at 9:25 am #766481
As a mother of two adult sons, if I was approached by your ex knowing a restraining order was involved, as they are not issued unless there’s a good valid threat to the others safety, I too would not want my son’s or myself involved or entangled in that mess, especially where I work!
I’m sorry your ex is still giving you problems. I personally (not giving legal advice), would contact the police, file a report, and if in violation of the Order, would want him arrested. This man needs to sit in jail so he will have time to think if destroying his own life, losing his job, and potentially being convicted of “stalking” is worth the continual harassment.
I am no wallflower, I will stand up and fight against anyone who tries to hurt me, people I love or those who want to torment people. I own a business and have quite a few “no trespass orders”. So far I haven’t had to call the police, as they immediately leave and haven’t returned when I remind them they are banned and will call the police if they attempt entry again. A few of them are not right in the head, suffer from a mental illness, but I can’t have them stealing, panhandling, harassing or scaring my customers so I stand firm and will take it to the police if forced to. Yours I would do in a heartbeat.September 3, 2019 at 4:41 am #766966
Sue nothing you can do. if he has decided to stay away that’s that. but it was just a day. I would give him a few days and if he still doesn’t revert than I wld simply delete his contacts and try to move on.September 19, 2019 at 9:57 am #773555
Hi all I’m back.
Guy has reached out to me today out of the blue. He said he was sorry for being distant and that it was wrong of him. I told him “yeah it was a bit. But I understood why.” He then said truly he knows that was wrong and he felt terrible but didn’t know what else to do. I was driving so I told him I’m heading home now speak afterwards? He said yeah just started prepping for dinner as well.
So it seems he is talking to me normally. And I wanted some guidance in how to handle this next. To be honest some attractions for him has gone because the way he disappeared on me, but it doesn’t mean I’m completely done as it wasn’t a long time since that day. In a way I’m not sure what he wants next but I want any heads up I can get. Do I ask him more about what happened? Do I ask him anything in regards to dating? Or do I let him ask me that if indeed this is what he wants? My plan is to just observe and not initiate anything. Is that wise? Thanks.September 19, 2019 at 10:38 am #773558
He was silent for over a month? I would only want to talk face to face if he offers that. And he has to state what he wants. I can understand the original shock but it all went down weird. Trough his mom. I would be very hesitant like you are now, and therefore let him do the talkingSeptember 19, 2019 at 11:30 am #773567
Hi Newbie, he just called. Asked me about what have he missed things like that. He’s laughing and talking slow. Even mentioned the possibility of meeting me soon. Told him I’m going to shower and eat dinner. He asked if he can call me after I’m done. So do I meet him if he propose that for real? What would you do? I want to show him that he cant just pop back up and everything is the same. I want to show him there’s a difference at the same time if I’m honest I still have some interest in him.September 19, 2019 at 11:34 am #773568
Oh and we last spoke end of August around the 28..he reached out today. He told me he wanted to contact me last week but he didn’t have the guts because he thought I would ignore him.September 19, 2019 at 11:35 am #773569
I’m curious to know how did you handle things with the ex.
Has he stopped interfering in your life?September 19, 2019 at 12:51 pm #773577
Hi Kahdija, in regards to my ex boyfriend, because of the restraining order he isn’t interfering with my life at all. He only did what he did last month indirectly. In a way it does look like he is still obsessing over there but as far as coming near me or harassing me or contacting me he isn’t doing that. And when he approached the mother of the guy we are speaking of, he did so without anything to do with me directly. And since the guy I was dating asked me to not react upon that I didn’t. And that was that, haven’t heard anything more than that.
I know for sure my ex will keep trying to knock me down however he can. He will try to seek information about me and thinks I wont know. But I wont let his doing upset me or stop me from moving forward. The only thing that can be a problem for me is if the people that are in my life decides to stay away from me because of him. And that part is out of my control. But in general I’m not afraid of him anymore. And if he decides to come at me directly then jail it is.September 19, 2019 at 1:16 pm #773579
I’m really sorry to hear about about happened Sue. I’m glad to hear your current guy reached out and well done for staying strong and not contacting him!
If it were me, I’d certainly want to know what exactly your ex said to his mother as it could well be the case, he told her things that weren’t true at all! Not sure how much you’ve told him, but I assume you told this guy about the restraining order etc and so far he appeared to be OK with how the land lay? Although I do, to a certain degree, understand his reluctance to become more involved, nonetheless I would hate to think he did so because your ex had succeeded on false grounds, so to speak.
How old are you both, by the way?September 19, 2019 at 1:28 pm #773582
Hi Sue-Don’t play games with him-he was naturally cautious in the situation, although he handled it badly. If you want to keep seeing him,if he is showing you he wants that-then let him know.
If you both decide to keep dating I would present a united front-his mom needs to know he is with you and no secrets or badmouthing of you between them. It my help if you sat with his mo,with him there and explain the situation so she is informed. People fear things more when they do not know the scoop.