This topic contains 47 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by M 6 months, 3 weeks ago.
January 18, 2018 at 8:50 pm #679821
Hi I posted here last week about my partner and his new female friend. They met each other about 1 month ago. My and my partner picked her up and drove her around the town for 4 hours. I was friendly in the beginning but I am an introvert so I’m never the loud and warm type of person. Also I was feeling very tired that afternoon (later that night my period came so that was why), so I was horrified when my partner invited her to our place for a drink. He then asked me if that’s OK and I just shook my head said ‘no I’m too tired.’ Plus our house was in a mess, I was not ready to take a guest home!
Obviously my partner and this woman have been chatting a lot on the phone, when I questioned about it, he said’ we are just friends, she is dating someone.’ This morning, I asked him about her new boyfriend, he said ‘not boyfriend, she is just Tindering.’ I commented ‘ wow, you seem to know so well what she does.’. He said ‘yeah we have grown closer.’
I then asked him why she only invited him out and not inviting me as well. He said ‘she doesn’t like you. The first time you met her, you were cold to her.’ I told him it’s not I was cold, I’m not an outgoing person, I was friendly. So obviously she had complained about me to him, this really annoys me.
I’m feeling horrible. My partner is completely on the side of this woman. What she does is completely correct in his eyes and I’m just wrong. This makes me mad….
January 18, 2018 at 9:22 pm #679826
You should . He either wants a three some or is into her,January 18, 2018 at 9:31 pm #679829
This had red flags ALL over it!!
This is not a relationship, he doesn’t even respect you. Get out now, I repeat he is NOT worth it. Do yourself a favor and break up with him, move out, and move forward. There is nothing wrong with being introverted, however it means you probably need a Partner that actually understands that, and still cares enough to consider your feelings. If they have, “grown closer” he has obviously crossed an emotional boundary, if not a physical one already. It is only a matter of time before they are getting freaky-if they haven’t already. I would not be able to trust a guy like your Partner. Take care, and be good to yourself!January 18, 2018 at 10:35 pm #679834
SusieQ – thanks for your input. I’m totally torn. We have been living together for a year. He tells me everyday he loves me. Maybe they are still just friends, but why he is on her side? He accuses me of being jealous. I am, but who wouldn’t when their partner chats with a new woman everyday.
I’m so attached to him, and the thought of breakup makes me feel physically sick… I feel I’m standing at the edge of a cliff, I’m so scared of ending everything…January 18, 2018 at 11:17 pm #679843
M,sorry for your situation. However being so stressed and worried is not going to solve your problem. First remember that you had a life before this man and you will cope,survive no matter what happens…
Hi M-sorry for your stress. Remember though-you had a life before him and you will cope/survive no matter how this works out,or doesn’t.
So what to do? This woman has become a third wheel and she likely has interest in having him for herself. He either does not see that,or is okay/flattered by it,likes her back etc.
Pulling back will just make him annoyed that you are “jealous” or give him more reason, excuse to spend time with her.
I think you need to deal with this head on. Tell him that you do not intend to tell him what do..however ” I am not comfortable with you spending time or so much time with her.I feel it could be detrimental to our relationship in various ways.I could come out with you and her but that likely is not what any of us want. So,the future rests on you and how you want to proceed.” If he decides to keep seeing her and thinks you are unreasonable,then you have your answer of how much he cares for you. An invested man won’t risk losing you and won’t want you unhappy.
If you try to ignore or tolerate this,it will just make you more and more crazed and you will start acting in ways that will wreck your relationship and confidence in him and yourself. Good luck-it is a crap situation. Keep us updated.January 19, 2018 at 2:03 am #679853
He talks to her everyday? Who talks to their friends every single day? Something going on here. If it was my partner doing this id question him about it first, explain how it made me feel and if he continued with his every day convos and seeing her without me then he would be dumped asapJanuary 19, 2018 at 2:24 am #679855
I think you need to tell him very calmly and clearly that you’re not comfortable with the situation. Don’t accuse or attack. Just tell him you feel uncomfortable and as though there’s a 3rd person in the relationship. Ask him how he would feel if you’d met a new guy amd were spending so much time with him.
What troubles me here is he knows you don’t like this situation but is still doing it. Who’s his priority? You or her? If it’s not you, you’re going to have to end it with him.
See if you can work on a compromise where you both feel comfortable.January 19, 2018 at 3:43 am #679864
I honestly wouldn’t put up with it. No-one speaks to their friends daily. No one shares this amount of personal information with platonic friends. This is at the very least already an emotional affair, and may have already crossed over to physical as well considering the amount of time they spend together without youJanuary 19, 2018 at 7:32 am #679873
He knows dam well you don’t like it. Instead of feeling sick about it, try to feel empowered. He has crossed lines that ought not to be crossed and you will show him and her taht you are not a doormat.
You have no choice. They are forcing your hand. Quit being pushed around .January 19, 2018 at 7:56 am #679884
Get started packing when he is not around. Fill your trunk and take your things to a friend’s or your mother.
Do not compete with her. Don’t work your butt off to win him or keep him. Next thing ya know, she will come up pregnant and he will be real sorry he did this but you will be long gone.January 19, 2018 at 8:05 am #679885
You should have said, your dam right I don’t like her. She is stealing your man. Don’t let them bring this drama into your life. I find it abusiveJanuary 19, 2018 at 8:21 am #679886
He’s having an emotional affair at the very least. Things get complicated when a best female friend is involved whom he’s known for years. This is not that case, she is NEW and he’s “grown closer to her” and talks to her every day. Nobody does that with a person whom they’ve only known for a month unless they have romantic interests.
Hannah gives good advice on how to tackle this situation. Although if you calmly explain you’re uncomfortable and he still keeps messing around with her, it would mean he’s chosen her over you and if that happens, please get walking as it would mean he has no respect for you.January 19, 2018 at 8:23 am #679887
I don’t agree with Hannah at all. You can’t ” calmly” talk a guy into treating you right.January 19, 2018 at 8:44 am #679888
I would try to talk to him, ask things such as why would you not try to defend me when she said I was cold, why do you talk to her every day etc. Be open minded about what you hear but also be clear about where your boundaries are and let him know about those.
However I agree with others that the situation is not good. My boyfriend has always defended me in front of his friends and family if that was necessary. He is always on my side. Having your guy being quiet while another person speaks bad about you must feel horrible.January 19, 2018 at 9:20 am #679890
Do you want a sister wife or not?January 19, 2018 at 9:32 am #679891
If she lives with him she should at least try to make it work. Walking out on him before even trying would be really weird. He gets a female friend and she walks out, what? Anyway try talking to him calmly. Then see how things progress over the next month or so. Hopefully he will respect your wishes or they will bore of each other. If not, then it is time to threaten leaving.January 19, 2018 at 10:15 am #679898
Anne it’s not about trying to make him do anything. It’s about explaining to him she doesn’t like what’s happening. If he doesn’t care or won’t at least compromise, then she can simply walk away.
Why create the drama of walking out and leaving yourself homeless? What’s that going to achieve except a lot of inconvenience and upset for the OP?January 19, 2018 at 1:01 pm #679920
I remember your other posts. Unfortunately his actions and the fact he is growing closer to this woman has put you in a position where you have to act. It’s only been a month and already this is adversely affecting your relationship. She’s asking him out to concerts, to movies and he’s inviting her to go sight seeing and TELLING you she’s coming rather than asking and then you’re supposed to entertain her over drinks in your home!! Now he’s telling you she doesn’t like you and they’ve grown closer. This is only going to get worse as he blurs his boundaries with her and makes you look like the mean jealous girlfriend.
My suggestion would be to try to be calm about it. Even write down some of the things you want to say and practice so that you are saying them more as a matter of fact than with emotion. I would start by saying you respect the kind of man he is that a woman moves here with no friends and family and he is showing her around and being a friend to her. Then say but you feel like she isn’t respecting your relationship by asking your boyfriend out to overnight concerts and movies and acting like you don’t exist and saying she doesn’t like you based on one meeting when she doesn’t even know you.. And he’s not respecting your relationship by continuing to talk with her and grow closer to her and allow her to get between the two of you. Right now he is allowing a friendship of one month to undermine a relationship where you two have been living together for a year. This isn’t some friend he’s known forever. Ask him how he would feel if suddenly you met a new guy and were calling him, talking to him and getting invited to go out places with him all the time. Then tell him if he is going to put that much importance on their friendship to the detriment of your relationship then it is just going to build resentment and create more problems between the two of you in the future. Explain you aren’t going to sit around and wait for that to happen. If he can’t agree to respect your feelings and distance himself from daily contact and weekly meet ups with this girl then you are going to start looking for another place to live.
It’s like when I was still with my ex husband and I would tell him he has a drinking problem and it needs to be addressed if he wants me to stay married to him. He would tell me he didn’t have a problem. I would say, if your wife is telling you this is a problem…then you have a problem!!January 19, 2018 at 6:58 pm #679965
Oh my. This situation is utterly unacceptable. No one finds some nobody of the opposite sex, goes out and about with them, makes them their new best friend, all the while getting closer to them, wears that they don’t like their partner and thinks this is normal. No no no… what an awful situation for you to have to cope with. You mustn’t try and tolerate this. It’s wrong, he’s wrong and she’s wrong. You have to confront it and know this might be the end of your relationship. I fear they are having an emotional affair at the least at this point.January 20, 2018 at 7:28 am #679997
LOL – I predicted in my comment on the OP’s previous post – which is that the new girl has upper hand because of the variables i.e she’s younger and from the same culture as the partner.
It’s only a matter of time. Women are treacherous when it comes to going after a man – this woman is emboldened to say she doesn’t like you to your partner and he somewhat agrees with her.
I said it before and I’ll say it again – you’re now the 3rd wheel.
He’s enjoying what she brings to him – youth and culture. He’s flattered she’s young makes him feel good about himself and empowered in the eye of other men who are cheering him on as well as a woman who has a meeting of the mind in regards to cultural understanding of things as he does.
Op – you somehow sound like a person with a low self esteem otherwise this woman wouldn’t have sized you up to a point of blatantly planning dates with your living partner and making negative comments about you as well. Who knows what else she’s said about you negatively..???
And, it doesn’t appear to me that your partner really care much about you either given his disposition towards you in this quagmire.
Sorry OP – I don’t know what to tell you – but, the decks are stacked against you at this juncture – men always look out for self 24/7…January 20, 2018 at 3:06 pm #680060
I would definitely try to talk through this with him. And while I agree with staying calm, I think it’s really important to word this as though he isn’t wrong. Maybe something along the lines of, “You know, I am sure that there are some women out there who would be comfortable with this. However, for me, I feel like you are stepping to close to boundaries that make me very uncomfortable.” And then tell him what your boundaries are. Be explicit- how much time they spend together, what they do, what she can and cannot say about you without him stepping up against her for you… you have to be very specific bc for men if they aren’t sleeping with her then they don’t always think they are doing anything that should make you feel incomfortable.
Honestly, how he reacts to this will tell you if he has the mettle to be a true partner. You can be the best gf in the world, but if he won’t or can’t work through such things he isn’t the guy for you.January 20, 2018 at 3:54 pm #680070
Update us!January 26, 2018 at 1:29 am #680951
Just wrote an update but lost the post! This site needs improvement!January 26, 2018 at 1:39 am #680953
Too tired to type another long post! … long story short… last Friday my partner just exploded — I never saw him so angry and scary… He didn’t touch me a finger, it was more like verbal abuse… he used such spiteful words to make me feel inferior and worthless….
What inflamed his angry was he thought I was being jealous of his new woman friend, also in a separate incident, he thought I embarrassed him in front of a colleague. It was totally unintentional on my part. I met a colleague of his, I asked where she was from, she said ‘Sydney’. Because she looked like Asian so I said ‘originally?’ She replied ‘I was born there.’ She sounded offended by my question and my partner became so angry that I offended his colleague, accusing me of ruining his reputation…
He roared at me asking me to move out the next day. I freaked out and had a panic attack.January 26, 2018 at 2:10 am #680959
I know it sounds like too much drama already…. I can’t believe this happened … when he saw me having a panic attack, he softened and helped me clam down by holding my hands which were shaking badly. He said he can’t deal with jealousy because it makes him feel I don’t trust him and he regards himself as someone with high integrity. He said he loves me but he doesn’t want to lose his freedom of making friends and enjoying life, but he will not cheat on me….. I knew I faced the choice of choosing continue with him and accepting him, or leave. and I chose him because I’m very attached to him (is it love or just attachment? I don’t know..)
On Sunday the day trip went as planned. We picked up B, the woman from his country, then another friend of his. I really made efforts to be nice and friendly to both of them. Luckily the other friend was such a funny and cool guy, his presence seemed to have balanced the dynamics so our interactions were made easier… (without him, I think both me and B would be focusing on my partner because I could tell from the way she looks at him that she likes him a lot). I had to admit that my partner treated me really well during the whole time. I forgot my wallet and he paid everything for me.
On our way home, my partner and B had a conversation about technology and they disagreed each other on certain things. I wisely kept my mouth shut and didn’t say anything. I know my partner, he can be very direct and sharp. Maybe she didn’t expect that and was taken aback, after a while she became quiet too.
Yesterday my partner and I were driving and he said ‘B has been quiet this week, maybe she doesn’t like our argument.’ I don’t know how my partner felt about this, I didn’t ask, but I was surprised. Can a small argument ruin their budding friendship? What exactly was her feelings to him? She was initiating contact everyday previously and why suddenly stopped?
But I hope she keeps distance from him from now on.