My lonely marriage


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This topic contains 14 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #750215 Reply

    Celeste

    I have been with my husband for over 6 years now and married almost 5. My husband has never taken an interest in my life. Does not ask me any questions about myself, my family, friends, job, volunteer work, etc. All he does is talk about himself, his family, friends, job, hobbies. I have confronted him about this numerous times and all he will say is that he is “not that kind of person” who ask a lot of questions. However, I am his wife. You would think he would want to get to know me. I love my husband and our life together, but I am unsure if I can go the rest of my life stuck in a lonely marriage. In the beginning I did not realize how narcissistic he really was. With him not taking an interest in me, I feel as if I do not matter. Is there anyone else going thru or have gone thru the same I am?

    #750220 Reply

    peggy

    Hi Celeste-life is too short to live that way. I think you could see if he would go to a therpist or marriage counselor with you or you could go on your own. I hope he is not your sole companion-friends and family can help you feel heard. In general you should not feel lonely in a marriage. Curious if he will listen and comment if you tell him things instead of waiting for him to ask?

    I would see if this can be fixed-if not,I would look at leaving. I felt a 25 year marriage for similar reasons and found a great new relationship t 60′ Don’t wait that long!

    #750222 Reply

    peggy

    meant LEFT a 25 year marriage.

    #750223 Reply

    Lane

    Want to change this? Then change YOU and just do your thing and if he starts talking about himself just get up and walk way telling him “I don’t care about that sorta thing” and then go enjoy doing something that makes you happy. Seriously if he doesn’t care then how is caring back working for you??? Its not, so take charge of your life and happiness where it matters and enjoy the things you do and the things you can do with him that’s not all about him.

    #750240 Reply

    Stephanie

    You two only knew each other a year before you married? That would probably not be enough time to really get to know someone.

    #750244 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    Omg, you poor thing. I know exactly what you are saying. My first husband, 20 years, although a cheater, he was always interested and listening to me about my many,endeavors, volunteer situations, extended family etc… he used to tag along on some of my personal things, like overnights at homeless shelter, etc.

    But, my second husband was a narcissist prick and would honestly and rudely tell me hes not interested and doesn’t care about others. He would complain every july when his best buddy went on vacation because now he has to listen to the buddy tell about the trip.

    I can only say, if you don’t have kids, three months, baby, three months and you can be divorced from him. I hope you can afford to live on your own and start over.

    #750246 Reply

    Raven

    Why did you marry him when you knew he was this way?

    #750253 Reply

    Stephen

    I read recently that one of the many differences between men and women is that men believe if a woman wants to say something she’ll start talking about it without any sort of invitation or prompting. Women on the other hand seem to be waiting for a clear unmistakable sign or an obvious prompt like:’how was your day?’ before they will say want they want to say.
    OP when you do talk about your day etc do you provide too much detail? Men want just the facts and the salient points without hearing how a women felt about what someone said/did.

    Perhaps you should wait for a time when your husband is not over tired or distracted and just start talking and see where it leads.

    #750254 Reply

    Omg

    Why does he have to ask your y questions in order to talk to him and share what’s going on in your life. I totally disagree with Lane. That tit for tat approach will make you grow apart even more.abds it’s immature. I actually agree with Stephen. Bring up topics you want to discuss on your own and stop waiting for him to prompt you. I’m not big on asking tons of questions either. Conversation should just flow. If he ignores what you share or walks away then you have a bigger problem than communication.

    #750255 Reply

    Louise

    Do you do things together? Plan things together? Want to have the same kind of experiences? One being quiet and the other chatty *can* work as long as you’re actually growing together.

    My ex was incredibly introverted (and has mild aspergers to boot) so wasn’t much of a talker, and I’m chatty. Our relationship worked while we still planned experiences together, but he had a massive cannabis habit and when I got pregnant and stopped sitting in the room with him while he smoked, we stopped communicating altogether – basically if I couldn’t hang around with him while he was getting stoned, there was no relationship. I had not figured that out until it happened. We spent the following 5 years sitting in different rooms on a night after work and inevitably divorced.

    #750277 Reply

    I hear you!

    I am in year 25 of marriage 27 years total. I am 52 and done. I am ready to run away, have sexcapades, eat well and shop for clothing with color. I am extremely bored with waiting for a compliment or a date. I workout, I am healthy and strong and most men find me attractive. I need to be free to find me before I lose me completely. Thank you for this liberating conversation.

    #750290 Reply

    Stephen

    @I hear you. While I feel sympathy for your plight I advise you not to do anything drastic. Over at another website they are discussing the case of a wife who divorced her old boring hubby only to deeply regret it a few months later.
    In her case she felt bored,trapped and craved excitement. So she encouraged a man she knew was interested in her,’my best friend’ as she called him. They had sex once. She was besotted with her ‘best friend’ and told her stick-in-the-mud husband she was divorcing him. What happened? Well her ‘best friend’ completely vanished and went radio silent on her. She learnt later that he had moved the very next day after their brief encounter.
    Two years later she is writing online articles warning other women not to follow her example. She openly admits that she would like to get back with her dullard ex but he has since remarried.

    #750300 Reply

    Nathalie

    This is exactly what happens to unattentive partners. They lose their significant other simply because they are not the kind to ask how they are! I mean the whole point in having a husband or wife is to have a person that give a care in the world to ask about you. How did you ever marry him knowing full well that he is not quite the one for you? You’re not alone but you’re lonely. This is bad. I rather be alone but not lonely.

    If this is the only thing going sideways in your marriage and everything else seems on track then try to break this communication barrier. Dont wait for him to ask you just tell him. See if this leads him to ask you more about what you said. It’s hard to appreciate someone when they dont appreciate you. But do not go and start talking to other men to fill the void he isn’t doing. You will drift further away and end up cheating and you will be label the bad one. As a side note, you can do things that will make him wonder about what you are up to. Dress nice and go out with your friends, do something different with your hair or something. This will surely get him to ask you whats up. If he doesn’t drop this boring ass for real. I hope you do not have small children.

    #750305 Reply

    Lane

    I said it the way I did because this really isn’t a HUGE ISSUE! You are never going to find the ‘perfect man’ and sure you can leave him and replace that with something else that will bug the hell out of you! Sometimes its best to just stop trying to force people to do things they don’t to do and fill it with people who do!

    I had a great best friend I could talk to about anything and everything and enjoyed doing v the mundane HER: “how was your day?” Him: “busy”. HIM: How was your’s?” Her: Well I got a call from a customer who wanted blah blah blah; and then I went to lunch with Suzy; and then the postman came earlier than usual and not able to get a critical piece of mail out so I had to walk to the post office box; then I ran into so and so and we’re going to lunch on Friday; I have to ready to go to yoga, see ya!” (He puts gun to head).

    #750307 Reply

    Lane

    Meant to add this isn’t a ‘conversation’ its rambling off a list of things one did or doing that has nothing to do with other. If someone doesn’t care about a certain subject, such as bingo, prattling on and on about it isn’t going to improve communication but make one not want to ask!

    My BF and I ask about our day but I already know what he’s going to say, and he knows what I’m going to say, so all it is a filler when we have nothing new or interesting to tell each other. Its use banter to keep something mundane interesting but its not an actual conversation about a subject that matters to us unless its new or material to us, like talking about plans for this summer….that’s when we have an actual conversation.

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