My girlfriend is too attached to her family, what should I do?


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Marion 1 month ago.

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  • #773037 Reply

    Marion

    I’m currently in a touchy situation with my gf. So I’m from Cleveland, OH, and I met my gf that lives in Phoenix, AZ through social media (IG) in 2017. We started off as just friends through the internet type thing. As time went on we began to get closer, eventually developing a personal relationship. Fast forward to July 2019, I moved/transferred to Las Vegas, NV. We have been a serious couple for almost a year now, but everything has been over the phone. We agreed that with me moving closer we could take our relationship to the next level, however it’s been tough for me to say the least. There’s an issue that has become a problem for me. I don’t want to be selfish or inconsiderate, but just listen to the situation and give your opinion. This is the way everything has gone;

    -The first time we met I went to Phoenix to see her, and I expected to be around her family/want me to meet them. So no biggie there, however we did plan to go on a date seeing as it was our first time meeting. Once I arrived, she informed me that she invited her brother, his wife and her niece to go with us. Again no big deal since I already assumed she would want me to meet her family.

    -The second time we met she drove out here to Vegas. She got out of work at 7 and it takes about four hours driving, so she arrived around 12 midnight. We had planned to spend two days together, we woke up in the morning and ate breakfast. Around 4pm, she says that she has to go back home because her daughter doesn’t like being away from her too long (her daughter is 16 btw). Something about she was left with her father and she doesn’t like his house as much. I was a little annoyed by it because our time was cut short, but I didn’t mention it.

    -Third time she brought her daughter out, no problem. The only her daughter was just really clingy (constantly holding her hand/onto her shoulder/playing in her hair). I understand this comes off as jealousy, but I would say more of a feeling of exclusion. But please stick with me. Because I don’t get to see her at all, I wanted to show some affection and it’s hard with her teenage daughter right there.

    -The fourth time I went out to Phoenix, I suggested we get a hotel room after hanging out with the fam so that we could have some quality alone time (she lives with her daughter and her niece). Her niece is 30 and her daughter is 16 years so they should be cool for one night right? Well it’s safe to say you can assume how that went,she said her daughter sister in law invited us all for a date night in Glendale

    -The last time seeing each other is when everything boiled over. She bought tickets to go see a concert here in Vegas with her sister in law. So she came out to Vegas with her brother/his wife and their 3 year old kid, her niece (the 30 yr old), and her daughter. They arrived Thursday night (really Friday morning at 1am) I let them sleep in my apartment until they were able to check into their room. Now we talked about this whole ordeal for weeks, about how each day would go. Friday we would spend all day with her family, then later that night me and her would split and finally have our date night. Saturday we spend all day again with her family, and then she goes to the concert with her sis in law. Sunday morning they leave to go back home. So Friday comes, we spend all day with the family. However around 6, she literally “volunteers” to watch the 3year nephew while her brother and his wife goes on a date for his birthday. I understand she wanted her brother to have fun for his birthday, so I privately suggested to have her niece watch her daughter/nephew. They have their date night while we go have our date night as well. She said she would feel bad leaving them after she was the one that volunteered to do it. At this point I’m frustrated, but I come back the next day to hang out with her family Saturday. She goes to the concert, and I ask her if there’s any way possible I could send for an Uber after the show to come and spend some alone time before they depart the next day. She replied that she didn’t want to leave her daughter on the last night after being gone for most of the night for the pregaming/concert already. I basically said you’re with your daughter every day, how I never get to see her. That’s when she made it a ‘me vs her daughter’ situation,which I was trying my hardest to avoid.

    I’m honestly thinking about just calling it off and remaining good friends if possible. At this point, I feel as if this is the way it will always be. It’s hard enough doing long distance relationship, so when we see each other of course I want to do something romantic by going on dates together or at least having some private time. I had a whole night planned of going to dinner at a rooftop restaurant at the Palms, come back to drink some wine just enjoy being around each other and she completely disregarded my efforts. It just feels like I’ll always have to be around her family if I want to be with her

    My questions to you all is:

    1. Am I being irrational/selfish based off of the situation described?

    2. Would you say that I would be in the wrong to want to break things off?

    3 If I try to work through it, how should I go about explaining how I feel without turning it into a me vs her family type thing?

    She is someone I truly care about, but I just think I’m always going to be a secondary priority. And I understand family comes first as it always should, but does it begin to be too much at a certain point? Let me know what you guys think I need some advice

    #773051 Reply

    Raven

    What does she say when you ask her point blank about this?

    #773062 Reply

    Shoshannah

    1. Not at all.

    2. No.

    3. Talk to her again. If I understood, you had almost no time just the two of you throughout the whole relationship, because not only you are long distance, but when you finally see each other it’s with the family. That really sucks, so don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about not liking it. Especially that it’s not like she has 5 toddlers, but just one teenager. Explain that you miss her, that in a relationship you expect some quality time with your woman, arrange a weekend for just the two of you and see how she reacts.

    #773110 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    You’re far more patient than I would be in your shoes. You absolutely need time alone together as a couple in order to develop a relationship. Your girlfriend does not seem to understand this.

    I like Shoshannah’s advice about explaining to your girlfriend point blank that you want alone time as a couple & see how she reacts.

    If she tries to make it a you vs her daughter thing, i’m sorry but that’s BS. She’s using the daughter as an excuse to keep from developing closeness with you. And i’m speaking as a single mother of a teenager who is in a relationship of almost a year & a half…i never let parenthood interfere with the development of my relationship with my boyfriend.

    You might want to ask yourself if this woman is truly emotionally available & ready for a relationship. The fact that the relationship is long distance (which is a barrier) plus her essentially using her family as a shield against closeness/alone time with you, makes me wonder if she truly wants a real relationship.

    #773114 Reply

    Better off single

    Sounds to me, she is not comfortable being alone with you.

    #773118 Reply

    Peggy

    Hi-You need to address this directly. Have you even had sex at all? I think she is avoiding intimacy for whatever reason.
    I would tell her that this “family first thing” ( especially on the few occasions you can meet up),is becoming a deal breaker for you. See what she says/wants to do about it. Also,have you plans to end the distance and be in the same city and or/live together by a certain time frame? If so,this problem may continue even when you are together all the time-with her putting her family ahead of you/your relationship.

    #773172 Reply

    Marion

    Thanks everyone for your responses, I’m not sure how to reply to each message separately so I’ll answer each within this thread:

    Raven- Anytime I bring up how I feel, she seems to get defensive. I haven’t told her in depth like I have told you all, but I have told her and she doesn’t really understand my point of view

    Shoshannah- Your advice was absolutely how I feel. It’s not like she has a toddler, her daughter is old enough to understand the dynamics of a relationship. It’ll definitely have this conversation with her and let you all know how it goes within next day or so. She just apologized for “not being able to spend time with me as much and that she hopes I will come to Phx to see her”, so I will explain how I am feeling and basically tell her that I’ll only come if we can have at least one night to ourselves. I’ll let you know how she responds to it

    Liz Lemon- you are correct, I don’t think she understands from my perspective. I will admit that she is not the most mature woman for her age, as in when we go through rough times she tends to react in manners you wouldn’t expect for a 33 year old woman. Such as posting subliminal messages on her social media, or attempting to make jealous by interacting in certain ways with her guy friends (which is actually funny because it’s quite obvious when she’s trying to make me jealous, so I just try to laugh that off). With that being said, she’s a sweet and loving woman that I have grown to care for. She just doesn’t know how to show affection/emotion that well and I’ve actually told her that before in the past. So you’re spot on, I’ll keep trying to figure out if there is a way to make it work out. But your are right about her finding excuses to shield herself from me, it’s just frustrating. I appreciate your advice greatly

    Peggy- we have had sex on one occasion, the night where she arrived at 12 and left earlier than planned. She’s actually a really aggressive woman when it comes to sex over the phone, and that makes it even more confusing. She tells me how much she can’t wait to be with me intimately, how she wants to have a baby together someday, sends me photos/videos etc. so it’s like why do you avoid being with me, and I’m not worried that the sex was bad or anything. Not to toot my own horn but I’m okay in that department haha. Also we have talked in the past about being in same city, I asked her if she would consider moving to Vegas with me, especially considering she doesn’t have her own place/shares with niece. she said yes but I’m skeptical of that, based off everything I’ve told you. In definitely going to have the convo with her and let you all know what happened within next couple days. Feel free to comment back I’ll get back to you and thank you all again!

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