This topic contains 38 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by anon 2 months, 3 weeks ago.
August 12, 2019 at 4:05 pm #759969
I was with my friend as a relationship for 2 years, then we split up over a year ago but remained friends. We still did lots together until he got with his girlfriend, then it eased off. I can’t say I was happy about it, and yes I found it hard that he was with someone else. He backed off, I could tell, and things weren’t the same.
He split up with her then started increasing his contact again. We met up a couple of times, he didn’t give an indication it meant more than friendship.
Fast forward and he’s gotten back with her. When he told me I was shocked, and didn’t say anything about it but carried on texting about other stuff. A couple of days later he told me he was disappointed I didn’t show support, and that to him it indicated we couldn’t be friends as we had agreed as he felt I’d a friend would have been supportive and happy for him as it was big news for him. He said he wished me the best in life but we had to part ways. I tried to say I wanted to talk but he didn’t respond further.
Is this her doing? Why would my friend react like this? Does he still have feelings for me do you think? I can’t help but think she’s told him she doesn’t want him having a friendship with me.August 12, 2019 at 5:00 pm #759974
Yes this is the girlfriend’s doing. The language he used about you not being supportive and how that wasn’t the action of a friend is pure woman talk. Men would never even notice one way or the other support wise. So this is her writing a ‘script’ for him to mouth. She is the ventriloquist, he is the dummy.
She has decided that you are a threat to her. She has fired a shot across your bows. I suspect that if you don’t need her warning she may escalate and he’ll go along with what ever she suggests. He’ll be her cat’s paw,not because he loves her but because of ‘the thirst’. I recommend no further contact with them.August 12, 2019 at 5:12 pm #759977
Another 13 year old posting on an adult forum.August 12, 2019 at 5:22 pm #759981
OMG do you mean me or Stephen?August 12, 2019 at 5:28 pm #759984
Lol.. first she says he is just a friend then she says does he still have feelings for her. He has a girlfriend. How hard is that to understand.August 12, 2019 at 5:56 pm #760000
It doesn’t matter if she is behind this, he has made up his mind.
You need to leave him be and move on.
Being friends after a break up can be really hard because usually one person still has lingering feelings.
Hopefully in due time you’ll find someone else and put this in the past.August 12, 2019 at 6:20 pm #760009
This is enough boomeranging. You two need to move on from each other. Specifically, you need to move on from him. No he doesn’t have feelings for you any longer, he’s with someone else and has been for a while.August 12, 2019 at 10:06 pm #760040
Sorry- move on from what? We had a friendship that we both agreed we’d keep no matter what. What did I do so wrong that he’d just end our friendship in such an abrupt manner? I didn’t acknowledge that he told me about getting back with someone he’d broke up with and he ends our friendship over it?August 12, 2019 at 10:37 pm #760045
I agree that it’s irrelevant if you think he was coerced into this or not.
Honestly, it looked like a one-sided and convenient non-friendship. If you ever were friends, it was until he got a gf. After that, even when he came back during a split, I don’t think he came back as a friend, but as someone who needed to fill the void of his gf’s absence.
He didn’t even have the courtesy to tell you he was back in the relationship and straight up forgot about you. And after all that he puts the blame on you that _you_ weren’t supportive? That’s pretty cowardly imo. Many people do this, men or women, where they hit up specific friends only when their relationship goes south or they’re single. It sucks that he didnt even give you the chance to talk and get closure. But let this be evidence that he’s a crappy person and if you prefer having self-respect, should shut the door to him for good because chances are if his gf and him split, he’s gonna come back to you again and rinse repeat.August 14, 2019 at 1:51 pm #760181
I can’t believe how everyone here who’s responded thinks I need to move on or what Ever. I had a friendship with him before we were in a relationship and we carried this on after we split. We did things together until he got with her, and then I felt him pull back. Then they split and we started chatting and saw each other again. He didn’t dumpy me when he got back wit her as I found out they were together again a few weeks before he told me, and then it seems just because I didn’t acknowledge it when he told me and said I was happy for him, that he concludes we can’t be friends. No discussion, nothing, just telling me he was sad I ignored it like he hadn’t told me and it showed him it wasn’t a friendship he thought it was and good luck to me sort of thing. He promised me his friendship always, and I wouldn’t have let a relationship get in the way of my friendship with him and he’s put her first and done this because it’s what she wanted, I just know it. It isn’t like him at all. He wasn’t even with her long when they were first together and now he’s back with her. There’s no telling it’ll last, and he’s dumped our close friendship over it.August 14, 2019 at 2:01 pm #760183
It’s clear you stuck around as a friend because you were hoping to get back with him. You said in your first post that when he got a gf you were not happy knowing he was with someone else. Men aren’t stupid. I’m sure he sensed that you still have feelings for him, so he used that to his advantage when he wanted your companionship. Once he got the gf, he didn’t need you anymore, and he probably didn’t want to ruffle the feathers of the new gf by spending so much time with an ex.
You say you wouldn’t let a relationship get in the way of this friendship but when you have a new bf or husband, that person should be your priority too.
I don’t see how you have a choice but to move on. You can’t make someone want to be your friend or spend time with you.August 14, 2019 at 2:59 pm #760184
You can’t believe it? Why not? Clearly he doesn’t value the friendship as much as you do or he’d be acting differently. Don’t keep giving your time and energy to people who don’t deserve it.
This is what happens in the real world. You prioritize your primary partner. It doesn’t matter if she “made” him do this or not. He could have stood his ground and said you are his friend and always will be. He didn’t choose to do that. That’s painful for you, and I”m sorry. It’s the way it goes. This is why it’s hard for men and women to be “just friends” past the age of about 20.
Also, in the real world, things change. There’s no such thing as “forever” written in stone or blood, no matter what someone tells you and how much they mean it at the time they said it.
Adulting sucks sometimes, but that’s the way it goes. Take the time to grieve the loss and you will be able to move on.August 14, 2019 at 3:37 pm #760189
You remind me of my husband’s ex girlfriend. They had dated and when they split up decided to stay friends. They worked out together every morning, went to the movies together, hung out for drinks with each other. And they had this promise between them they wouldn’t let a relationship get in the way of their friendship and yada, yada, yada. Then I enter the picture and when I’m in a relationship with someone we become best friends. The more he wanted to see me and spend time with me, the less he hung out with her. I wasn’t going to tell him who he could be friends with but it obviously wasn’t an ideal situation. She was always calling him for help with this or that, etc. It wasn’t unusual for her to call him when he was with me and ask him to help her with something. Finally we got into an argument about it because she was too “needy” and dependent on him. He was helping her with something at her place and a few days later I told him I was going to get an ex of mine, who I was still friends with and he was an electrician, to come help me with something at my house. He freaked out that I was going to be alone in my house with my ex! I said and how is this any different than you being alone in her house a few days ago helping her with something?!? That’s when the light bulb went off for him and he stopped talking to her, initiating with her, hanging out with her. He told me I was more important to him than her and he didn’t want it to cause issues in our relationship. Essentially she was dumped like you.
But they truly were friends. They were happy for each other when they were in relationships and not wanting to get the other back. They knew it wouldn’t work and they were better friends. While you are sitting here wanting this guy back. You clearly admit you can’t say you were happy he was with someone else. You also ask if we think he still has feelings for you. Both of those things tell me you are holding on to this being more than friends. No girlfriend in their right mind is going to want an ex who still has feelings for her boyfriend waiting in the wings for things not to work with them. You need to move on.August 14, 2019 at 7:18 pm #760192
You were shocked he got back with the girlfriend you didn’t want him with in the first place?August 14, 2019 at 8:43 pm #760200
This same thing happened to me. A guy I was with ended up dating someone else after me and suddenly they were getting married. We stayed friends after our relationship ended and met for dinner and concerts. When he announced he was engaged I personally thought it was a terrible idea since this would be his third wife and he literally appears to go from one relationship to another without coming up for air. I wasn’t thrilled at the him getting married, things shifted between us. He never said anything to me- but just dropped out of my life. I asked once if he was doing ok and no response, so I moved on and didn’t ask again. His girlfriend/fiancé is his focus so I get why he wouldn’t want me in the picture.August 14, 2019 at 10:24 pm #760204
I like kaye’s story, because it shows one important thing – if you’re truly friends with a man, you will let him go when he meets a woman, for the sake of his relationship and out of respect for him (and his woman). There are threads here every now and then about friendships with taken men, OPs are upset… but this is simple. I have several male friends, some of them in relationships and even though we love each other (in a platonic way), I don’t text them for no reason, I don’t call them when I need help, I even avoid hanging out with them on our own. Obviously, such behavior would make any girlfriend uncomfortable. And I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, because I wish my friends well and I want their relationships to work. If you really need a male friend, find a gay.August 14, 2019 at 10:47 pm #760208
I also almost always had male friends since childhood and then after my husband and I divorced some 15 years ago, we also remained friends even after he re-married. His wife knew about me and wasn’t feeling uncomfortable, because they live some 70 miles away and we don’t hang out. We just text or email…..call maybe just once in 6 months and visit each other once a year.
Then I am also friends with my ex-boyfriend with whom I was in relationship for 9 years. And we stayed friends also but don’t hang out together either. We just call each other maybe 4 times per year, don’t text, and get together for a coffee once or twice per year. I have no “relationship” feelings towards any of them….just pure friendship. And my current boyfriend is also used to have female friends in his life since childhood and still has. Doesn’t bother me at all. If he changes his behavior towards me….then I would start to worry. Other than that it’s not my place to tell him who he should be friends with. If a man finds a new girlfriend from among his female friends….it’s unavoidable anyway. Any attempt to block him will eventually backfire.August 15, 2019 at 2:28 am #760225
When you’ve gone from friendship to relationship, and another man or woman come into the persons life as a partner, to need to accept that that person is highly likely to not be comfortable or ok with the friendship being anything more than occasional contact of happy birthday hope all is well. To have a friendship where you do things together on your own for most isn’t acceptable, it sure wouldn’t be for me. How much contact did you two have and how did you expect exactly?August 15, 2019 at 2:29 am #760226
What did you expect that isAugust 15, 2019 at 2:30 am #760227
And did you meet her? If he was with her before and now is back with her, friends meet the friends partners.August 15, 2019 at 4:13 pm #760287
No I never met her. He never suggested it and I wouldn’t have wanted to. To me, our friendship wasn’t about her. Within a couple of months of them being together he had stopped meeting with me either, until they split then he contacts and it seemed to go back to what we had.
We were in contact about every other day. I guess I expected my friend to chat with me three four times a week on text and meet up with me, like friends do? I expected to mean more than him dumping me like thisAugust 15, 2019 at 4:20 pm #760288
If it helps I got dumped one time in college because my bf was in a class full of girls and he liked the attention so much that he prioritized them until he said he wanted to move on so he could hang out with them all the timeAugust 15, 2019 at 4:32 pm #760290
You need to grow up and also accept the fact that friendships change. I don’t have any friends I see every week or talk to 3-4 times. What you what looks more like a relationship and not a friendship. Why would he need that level of contact if his new best friend is his girlfriend friend? I also think you were hoping by staying friends things might revert back to bf and gf. That’s why you are not happy he has a gf and it’s not you. Do you honestly expect your girlfriends to talk to you 3-4 days and see you every week? I doubt it. At least be honest with yourself why this bothers you so much.
The fact you don’t even want to meet his gf shows how jealous you are and that you aren’t happy for him as a friend would be. If you were a real friend only, you would want to meet her and see for yourself they are good together. That she treats him well.
Platonic friends don’t mean more to someone than their significant other.August 15, 2019 at 5:08 pm #760295
Spot on. Calling it friendship but having expectations of a relationship.August 15, 2019 at 6:54 pm #760302
I sympathize with your position, OP. I had a similar situation with an friend turned ex turned friend and it was very painful when he became distant. I gave him tons of space with his new relationship, but it was never really a friendship after that. We are on good terms now, but don’t see each other. It hurts to lose any friendship, so accept the loss and try to focus on other things.