This topic contains 142 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Sorry 2 months, 4 weeks ago.
June 19, 2018 at 5:46 pm #708681
So on Sunday, my boyfriend of two months and myself got into a minor disagreement. The disagreement all started because he lost his phone last week and when he finally got it back I texted him and was like “I’m glad you got your phone back, I missed you!” To which he repsonded “it was only a couple days, not that big of a deal” – this bothered me and I told him that. Later in the evening, after work, we talked and he accused me of putting words into his mouth when I was expressing how his words came across to me. It seemed like we came to a good point and everything was ok, he asked me to send him my work schedule so we could figure out when our schedules line up so we can see each other this week (something we always do) but now, two days later, he isn’t responding to my texts and when I asked him to do something today he responded “I’m sorry, I kinda just want to be left alone today”. I have apologized profusely and thought we were going to move forward and get back to being us but after that text I’m not sure what to think, say, or do. Please help! We are the most amazing couple and I can feel myself falling in love with him. What should I do?June 19, 2018 at 6:01 pm #708687
Take a Big Step back…
Learn to choose your battles… Honestly, a really dumb thing for you to get bothered about…June 19, 2018 at 6:04 pm #708688
Doesn’t sound like he is in love. The early stages of dating is a test ground. I get the impression he thought you were complaining when you turned this into a phone call discussion. This is why so much texting is problematic. when you took it to the phone and argued about it….that made things worse. I don’t know why you had to make a big deal out of what he said. When I read what he wrote I took it as he truly was just saying in a matter of fact way that it wasn’t that long. It didn’t sound offensive to me. These types of things raise red flags in a man’s mind because it makes you appear difficult. Men like easy. So I’m guessing he is giving you a cold shoulder because this annoyed him and was a big turn off. I would step back and let him be for a few days. Do not being this topic back up again. Next time just chill. You acted way too sensitive. Pick your battles. It’s little things like this that give a man second thoughts about being with you.June 19, 2018 at 6:07 pm #708690
Trouble in paradise.
That was kind of a snotty reply on his part, but it wasn’t worth pushing past that. However I suspect there are more issues here than just this one and that’s why he’s suddenly withdrawing and made that comment in the first place.
It’s only been two months and from what you’ve written you are way more into him than he is into you. And he probably knows it. Back way off and let him step up. I know you don’t want to hear this but he may not be on the same page as you about you two being the “most amazing couple”. The 2-3 month mark is where girls let their guard down and start really falling if they like a guy but guys are still in evaluation and will often conclude it’s a no.June 19, 2018 at 6:14 pm #708692
It wasn’t a phone conversation after texting, it was an in person conversation where he could clearly tell I was hurt by what he said. Prior to us dating I was in a psychologically abusive relationship for a year and he knows about this and the guy I was previously with would break up with me, not talk to me for weeks, then come back and say “it wasn’t that long” or “it’s no big deal, we just weren’t talking” so he knows this is a trigger for me. He’s actually just as in to me as I am in to him, he’s the one that pursued me for months, ended his relationship to be available for me, and promised we’d be together for good – this was said last week. So, we are on the same page and that is why I am so confused. We aren’t a couple that fights, not ever, that’s why I don’t understand why we can’t just move forward. We both voiced what we need going forward as the early stages of a relationship are about learning how to interact with your partner, so why won’t he just let us move forward? I haven’t been contacting him, I have been leaving well enough alone. I would understand him doing this if we were always fighting but we have never had a disagreement prior to two days ago and we have been in each other’s lives for almost a year.June 19, 2018 at 6:21 pm #708694
Your triggers are your responsibility to diffuse, not someone else’s responsibility to tiptoe around. Because he’s right, it wasn’t that big of a deal but it was still not a terribly nice thing to say. He could have said, missed you too or nothing but an emoji.
Given all of this, then you need to ask him why he doesn’t want to move forward. Because it’s odd he asked your schedule, didn’t contact you for two days and now wants to be left alone. Only he knows. We can’t do anything but speculate here, which is just going to upset you more.June 19, 2018 at 6:24 pm #708695
Wait, scratch what I just said. It was in person. He still didn’t need to respond like that.June 19, 2018 at 6:28 pm #708696
I know my triggers are mine alone to deal with, that’s why I initially told him that that response bothered me. I didn’t want it to escalate into anything else but apparently mine telling him I was bothered by a seemingly abrasive comment made him more upset. I was just trying to let him know that I don’t appreciate when he makes comments like that because, to me, those days of not speaking felt like forever because we usually talk all day, everyday.June 19, 2018 at 6:28 pm #708697
I thought you said he was a boyfriendof only two months. Now you say it has been a year?
I’m sorry you had a bad relationship prior but realistically you can’t punish the new guy for the sins of the past guy. It’s really unrealistic to expect him to know what kinds of phrases or words he can or cannot use. I’m sure that really bothered him being compared to the other guy. I feel I were him I would feel as if I now have to walk on egg shells about what I say or text.
I think you need to heal on your own from the abuse of the other man. You bringing that experience into this relationship is going to tear you apart. It’s true a couple should know how to communicate to each other, but you can’t keep throwing things in this guys face because he says or does something that your abusive man did.June 19, 2018 at 6:31 pm #708698
If he gets upset because you simply express how you feel, and then he gets upset and withdraws… that is not a good sign Laura.June 19, 2018 at 6:31 pm #708699
This is a bit of a strange reaction on his part. There must be more to the story–ie. he must be feeling smothered or something IMHO. Do you often get on his case about wanting to hear from him more, see him more, etc. This to me is the reaction of someone who is feeling pressured and in need of some breathing room. Give him that.June 19, 2018 at 6:34 pm #708700
Yeah that’s what I was getting at Ummm. You can’t bring the past baggage, like sensitivity about certain phrases, into another relationship and expect that person to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering you. You have to disengage the trigger yourself and that doesn’t mean telling the other person that you’re upset they said that. You have to get to the point that other people’s words or actions don’t trigger you into an irrational state or takes you into another time and place with another person.June 19, 2018 at 6:34 pm #708701
Umm- we have been dating for two months but have been friends for over a year prior to starting to date. He was there for me through the abuse my ex subjected me to. I’m not just throwing things at him, when the comment was made I calmly explained that that bothered me. He shouldn’t be mad at me over something like that. I was not and have never compared him to my ex because he is not my ex, he’s so much better. I don’t expect him to know what to say or not say, just as he cannot expect me to know those things either, that’s why I expressed that it bothered me. And again, I have never thrown anything in his face. Not once.June 19, 2018 at 6:35 pm #708703
I agree with Ali. Plus you translated his text into what you thought was offensive. That’s why he got upset and said you put words in his mouth. I get the sense too that he isn’t feeling the same need you are for so much contact or closeness. It’s interesting he ditched his last woman to pursue you. Is he the type that gets bored easily and likes something new until the newness wears off?June 19, 2018 at 6:35 pm #708702
Telling her he just wants to be left alone is a sign he feels smothered or pecked at, rightly or wrongly.
Something’s going on so just leave him be for a while until he comes back and you can talk calmly with him.June 19, 2018 at 6:39 pm #708704
Ali- no, I only contact him when he contacts me first, he’s the one who asks for my schedule so we can align when we’re able to see each other then we plan dates and time together together. We both have hectic work lives and work upwards of 50 hours a week so we don’t have time to be overly clingy because we both realize the other is incredulously busy.
Jenny- I was in no way irrational, it was just a calm comment which he himself admitted was warranted because he didn’t realize it would affect me. He said he was a laid back guy and that I shouldn’t confuse that with not caring. This thread wasn’t started so my comments can be evaluated, it was started so I can get some help on what to do now that we seemingly came to a resolution and were in a good place but now he has been quiet for two days and asked to be left alone today.June 19, 2018 at 6:50 pm #708708
If you have such a great relationship, why aren’t you reaching out to him sometimes. It’s not normal that you always wait for him. In a loving and committed relationship both partners should feel comfortable taking turns and being in contact. Is this the first time you have reached out first to try to see him? Anyway. Leave him alone. That’s all you do. If he asked for space you need to give it to him.
And With regard to your discussion, you were the one that said he was upset because he felt you put words into his mouth. So whether you meant to or not, that’s how he felt. You only seem to be focused on how you felt.
Many times a man will cut short a conversation because he doesn’t want to argue. And unlike women, men don’t like to keep talking somethingout. But that doesn’t mean after he walks away he doesn’t think about what happened. Maybe he is thinking.June 19, 2018 at 6:53 pm #708711
hmmm…. well… it’s hard to say what went wrong without being there. On the surface, his comment doesn’t seem that big of a deal to me, but I also don’t think it’s a huge big deal to gently explain to someone that their comments triggered a hurt feeling in you AS LONG AS you do it in such as way that they don’t feel criticized. It seems clear to me that he felt criticized, which also doesn’t sound very “laid back” of him, so I dunno. I’m guessing something else was it work here, either your tone of voice, or the exact words you used, OR he is super sensitive to criticism or something. It’s hard to say, but a minor thing like this should be resolved very easily in a healthy relationship,… should go something like this;
“hey, i’m sure you didn’t mean it this way at all and I appreciate you so much but the comment you made the other day kind of triggered some bad feelings in me. I know it’s just my stuff, but thought I should mention it. I really did miss you a little when you lost your phone!” smile, kiss on the check, hold his hand or show some affection afterwards.
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that! You know I care for you and don’t want to hurt your feelings!”
(this is how such a convo with my parter would go but that’s only because I’ve learned to communicate in a way that is very non confrotantational and he truly is a laid back guy.
So something went awry. Either in your presentation or he is a defensive person. Only other alternative is that he is having some other bad crap going on that is putting him in a junky mood and he’s taking it out on you.
As for what to do now? Let it go. Don’t contact him. he said he wants to be left alone so leave him TOTALLY ALONE. And when he comes back I would honestly leave it alone. don’t pick at it again. Let it just die down and be a non-issue. In the future, think about your presentation of these issues (right down to tone of voice, facial expression, etc, there are so many things that go into how a comment is received). But also watch him too, because it could be he is not as “laid back” as he seems and really can’t take anything that would even resemeble the slightest criticism without going into a pout.June 19, 2018 at 7:01 pm #708712
Umm- I contact him first plenty of the time, we run on opposite schedules and his is more stringent than mine so I have come to wait for him to reach out first because that way I know he is available to talk and I am not bothering him by trying to contact him when he’s busy.
He asked for space and I am giving him exactly that. I don’t like it one bit because it doesn’t seem necessary to me but I am respecting his wishes. I was just wondering if there are suggestions on how to help reconcile this and help move forward. This being our first disagreement, I wasn’t expecting a reaction like this otherwise I would have kept my mouth shut but he was the one who asked that I tell him when something is bothering me because he never wants to bring out any negative emotions in me because of how much he cares for me.June 19, 2018 at 7:03 pm #708713
Are you the girl who posted earlier about the guy with whom you acted needy in the past? And that’s why you never initiate contact? I might be mixing up things but did you post before? Are you a former model and he is a chubby dude?
Laura, you said he left his relationship for you. After 2 months he probably feels nostalgic about his ex. He had no time to get over her, did he?
I also feel that you are pushing things a little, to be what you want them to be. You are saying you are “the most amazing couple” but he is ignoring you and telling you that he wants to be left alone. “so why won’t he just let us move forward?”…you see what I mean
After only 2 months you are in hurry, he is not. If he is ignoring you, this is not a good sign. He might feel overwhelmed, too much too soon, his ex…he might be missing the good things about her. Imagine how she feels. Being dumped for another woman. He might be thinking about her and how she feels, how he hurt her, listening to you and your sensitivities and hurt from the past relationship.
Wait for him to come to you on his own. But be prepared for all possible outcomes.June 19, 2018 at 7:08 pm #708715
Emma- no, I have never posted here. Didn’t know about this site until a friend recommended it because she felt welcomed and understood when she posted about issues with her ex. We both had plenty of time to get over our exes before getting together – I was with my ex for a year and had about 6 months before we started seeing each other, he was with his ex for a month before ending things and we didn’t start dating until about 3 months after that. I am just following the lead he usually sets. He initiated the texting all day everyday, he started referring to us as the most amazing couple and making plans for months in the future. I have just followed suit and allowed things to pursue as such. The only issue we’ve ever had in all the time we have known each other – even prior to starting to date – is this small thing on Sunday. That’s why his response is so shocking.June 19, 2018 at 7:12 pm #708716
I agree with Ali. Maybe he’s not as laid back as he thinks. I’m not impressed he chased you so hard while he was in a relationship wth another woman. You know him as a friend, but you don’t know him as a boyfriend but for only a few months. I guess time will tell. There isn’t any point in doing anything right now. But he is clearly pouting. Pretty passive aggressive of him just to say he kinda wants to be left alone.June 19, 2018 at 7:17 pm #708719
Wait a minute, he was only with his ex for one month?! So this guy has a history of jumping all in very quickly and then jumping out just as fast? I would hardly call seeing someone for a month his ‘ex’… was he just dating her or inan actual relationship? Why would he need to leave a woman he only knows a month?June 19, 2018 at 7:19 pm #708720
I guess his ex of a month was pretty shocked too when he decided to leave her and pursue you. Plot thickens.June 19, 2018 at 7:32 pm #708722
Umm- it feels as you are being very judge mental, I simply posted here for suggestions on what to do because I am so confused not to be belittled by someone who doesn’t know the true dynamics of my relationship. That said, he referred to her as his ex and stated he started seeing her because he thought I was off the market but once they started spending time together he realized they were not compatible personality wise or sexually plus they lived over an hour apart. He doesn’t have a habit of jumping around, he left her because he realized he wanted to be with me because of how we get along and because he realized how strong his feelings for me were when he started noticing himself speaking of his interest in me to his friends – something uncharacteristic of him.