This topic contains 17 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Stephen 2 months, 1 week ago.
January 12, 2019 at 5:58 pm #735882
I’ve known my boyfriend around 7ish months and we’ve been dating for around 6 months now.
It’s been an amazing relationship. Everything has been easy with him. He’s met my friends and I’ve talked to some of his. His family and friends know about me and so do mine.
He recently told me loved me and I said it back cause I felt the same about him.
My only problem is that he has slight issues with his mood. He’s told me before that he’s been hurt in the past (he had some friends that didn’t care about him and a girlfriend that cheated on him). He left those people behind but he’s still got issues with his self esteem and feels depressed sometimes.
Because of this, his moods change really quickly. Some days he gets really distant. I’ve been learning how to deal with that. I usually just leave him alone when he’s feeling like that. He’s told me when that happens it’s got nothing to do with me.
Recently he’s been taking things I do the wrong way. When I say something nice about him he laughs it off or asks if I’m being sarcastic. He misunderstood something I said and thought I was making fun of him. He’s been saying that I haven’t been talking to him that much. I’ve been having a bit of my own issues which I told him about. But other than that Ive been the same.
I’ve been reassuring him and clearing up misunderstandings but I don’t know what else to do in this case. I do love him and care about him but it feels like he doesn’t seem to see it.January 12, 2019 at 6:26 pm #735883
All I can say is when you think and talk about your relationship that you take this in the consideration. This isn’t something that’s going to go away on it’s own and usually just gets worse. He has self esteem issues that will be difficult to fix, and only he himself can attempt to fix them.January 12, 2019 at 6:47 pm #735884
Imagine yourself being frequently misunderstood and having to explain things endlessly. Is that something you want? You can’t fix him, he needs professional help.
Dump the guy and find someone normal.January 12, 2019 at 7:04 pm #735886
This may be too simplistic of an assessment, but I find people that are touchy like that lack empathy and are self focused.
He’s too self focused to assume things you say are not a dig at him, because he can’t see the real person you are because he lacks empathy and is self focused
Is he like that?January 12, 2019 at 8:31 pm #735887
I can relate
@ Anne Ohio following…January 12, 2019 at 8:51 pm #735888
It “could” be a mood disorder instead of mood issues..January 12, 2019 at 8:59 pm #735889
People with mood disorders have unregulated moods and emotions that change all the time, even within one day. But they can’t don’t realize the impact it has on people. It is as if they can’t help themselves.
They need professional help, but don’t always get or seek it because they can’t see they are doing anything so wrong.January 12, 2019 at 9:32 pm #735891
It’s good of you to be so understanding. But this is going to get old after a while. He has to acknowledge he has an issue and has to want to change and be willing to do the work on himself, or eventually you’ll have to walk, even if you love each other.
And don’t fall into the trap of becoming his therapist. It’s hard to say what’s going on with him with so little information and obviously none of us are mental health professionals here. This could be a minor thing or it could be a full blown personality or mood disorder, he needs to talk with someone who is a professional to figure that out. It isn’t possible to have a good, progressing relationship with someone whose behavior goes on like this unchecked.January 12, 2019 at 9:40 pm #735892
Better off single
Maybe you’re not compatible.January 12, 2019 at 10:10 pm #735896
He is showing you who he is…
He will not change & his behavior will get worse…January 12, 2019 at 10:47 pm #735898
Fluff n stuff
If you want to boost his self esteem compliment him often. Subtle compliments. Do it because you want to not cuz you feel like its a chore. Not over the top compliments either.
“wow babe, you look so handsome right now with that spatula in your hand making us this lovely delicious meal to eat. You’re so amazing.” Tell him how good he is at something. Make him out to be your hero.
Words have the power to change someone’s mood in an instant. Especially a moody person who is lost in their head probably telling themselves they’re not good enough.
Please don’t get carried away with the psychoanalysis. He probably just had a bad day. Someone could have said or done something that made his mind go off on a dark tangent.
People really don’t think about what they’re thinking about. When you’re constantly thinking negatively, it really does take a toll on your personality and you do come off as a moody person. Sometimes, it takes a kind word/words (or even a total subject change to something light hearted) to pull them out of it. When all else fails give him room to breathe and let him come to you.January 13, 2019 at 8:15 am #735910
Thank you for all the responses.
Anne Ohio – no he isn’t like that. He only seems to be more self focused when he feels down. But usually he’s so thoughtful and he takes care of me and helps me out too.
Fluff and stuff described it right- he’s really negative about himself. So far I’ve been doing that. I compliment him more often and I’ve been spending more time with him.
We have talked about it. He’s told me he’s going to work on it this year. He’s started exercising more and he’s eating better and drinking less alcohol (he didn’t drink a lot much before but he’s cutting down even more).
I don’t want to just dump him because I do love him. Am I crazy for wanting to waiti for him to see if there’s an improvement?January 13, 2019 at 9:03 am #735916
Not at all. Time will tell and it’s encouraging to hear that he’s making conscious steps in the right direction. Good luck. :)January 13, 2019 at 9:31 am #735920
Careful with the compliments. I’m my experience that has backfired and the person things you’re not genuine, etc. In other words a depressed person may twist your encouragement and call it manipulation, etc.
However, in your case, he seems to actually acknowledge that he has issues. That’s the first step. Now watch him make changes. I would evaluate on a regular basis if things have improved.
Again, in my experience the situation usually got worse and worse and there was increasingly more conflict as if the person was purposefully trying to provoke a break up; to validate their negative beliefs about themselves.January 13, 2019 at 10:09 am #735923
At 7 months you are now beginning to get to know each other. LOL Usually things get worse if you don’t address them head on. it is good that he acknowledges his issues. Does he exercise? work out? send him to Yoga. Regular practice helps with depression, mood disorders and much more.
If his mood swings are severe he needs to check his hormones and vit D3 as well as zinc/copper and magnesium/calcium and iodine. Most of the body chemistry depends on the elements we take in as food, air and water. If you miss some key ones, or it you have too much or to little of something, it can wreak havoc on your whole system. When you exercise you help all those elements to be in balance, but even with exercise, if you lack something like vit D3 or iodine, you’d still seriously off. Therapists will help of course but unless your body gets enough of important elements, you are never going to feel well. People underestimate this. The world we live in now is very different from what our parents and grandparents lived in. It is much more polluted, soil is depleted and polluted. These days even young people all have some kind of allergies and difficiences. I suggest you get a full mineral panel done and also see a nutritionist.January 14, 2019 at 5:55 pm #736115
Could be an attachment issue but at least he told you it has nothing to do with you – believe him.
It sounds like you are doing the best you can and taking a rather healthy attitude towards it (can’t say the same for myself and I’m in a comparable situation and not very healthy myself)
I’m also deciding what to do and sometimes it’s hard when there are good points about a person and, I won’t say bad points, certain incompatibilities.
I would have to say that statistically, majority of people don’t change (because they don’t really want to and also because it’s very hard to). And for the small percentage that do, it will be because they themselves want to. See if you can talk to him about the issue and if he’s willing to do anything to improve e.g. therapy. But it would have to be for himself that he wants to make the change. If he won’t take action to change, then you just have to decide if you are happy to live with this.January 14, 2019 at 6:12 pm #736116
This behavior is going to get old really fast. Constantly having to reassure him, explain yourself, and give him space because of his mood sounds exhausting.
What is he doing to address these issues because they don’t just go away.
At 7 months you really need to decide if you want to go forward with him.This is a HUGE red flag.
In the past I dated people like this and it only got worse.January 14, 2019 at 9:49 pm #736135
“Recently he’s been taking things I do the wrong way. When I say something nice about him he laughs it off or asks if I’m being sarcastic. He misunderstood something I said and thought I was making fun of him”
Men receive compliments so rarely that when they do get complimented they think that they are being mocked. As for him allegedly being ‘distant’ men don’t feel the constant need to share every single thought in their head. Often when men are being quiet it doesn’t mean that they are withholding things from you as would be the case when a woman becomes ‘distant’. More often than not so-called distant men aren’t thinking about anything. So-called distance may very well signal that he has become comfortable with you and silence is no longer awkward.