This topic contains 15 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Ianthe 3 weeks, 6 days ago.
September 18, 2019 at 8:12 am #773440
I live in Brussels and my boyfriend lives in London.
He lives on a boat, not the most comfortable accommodations but one of the cheapest for a city like London.
He recently had a car accident. Broken ribs, scrapped arms/legs, broken toe. This happened about two hours away from London.
He called me when he was still at the hospital. I was ready to get over there but he insisted there was no need as i would not be able to do much for him.
I was very concerned about his housing arrangements as I know how the boat is and I didn’t see he he would be able to get around on crutches, on his own.
I suggested picking him up and for us returning to Brussels. There he pointed out that not most convenient as he would have to go to follow up medical appointments. I asked him on over the phone multiple times if there was a friend or someone he can stay with for a while. Never got a straight reply.
He was in the hospital two days. The day of the accident and the day after. When he got dispatched I tried calling him but got no reply. He returned my call nearly two hours later. I asked if he was home ok, he said no, I asked where he was and he cut me off was cranky and quick and abrupt and said he would all me back. It made me feel like s**t in all honestly but I let it go because I thought he is in pain and struggling to get home.
Today I was not the 1st to reach out I let him reach out to me and he finally did mid day. I didn’t ask him any question as not to feel like an annoyance. Somewhere along the conversation i said again that it really worries me to know that he is all alone and in so much pain. And this is where he finally told me that he never made it home last night. That he took up an offer from a “friend” to stay with her in Brighton. this friend also happens to be an ex-girlfriend. That we do not really talk about. On who I can not questions about as he always gets defensive on me asking for non need to know information.
I don’t want to sound like I am making this about me, especially during his time of suffering but it just does not make me full good. Not because perhaps an ex is helping him but because he kept me in the dark about going there until the very last minute and also well because I know nothing really about her or what use to be them.
With broken ribs that take at least 6 weeks to heal I am guessing he will be there a while and obviously I can’t go visit and frankly I feel distant, alienated from him and numb in a way. I do not really want to contact him anymore ad well It is hurting me. the way he went about getting some kind of care is hurting me as I was very willing to go over there and to be by his side and instead it is an ex.
I do not know how to tell him in a way that it doesn’t cause him more headache then what he currently has so instead I am choosing to be quiet. I simply said to him that it is best I keep quiet for a while.
Any advise anyone? I honestly feel like crying as i write this.September 18, 2019 at 12:39 pm #773501
Im not very impressed with his resolution skills as it probably takes the same time to get from brighton back to London by train as would Brussels by plane. And obviously that he took the ex offer instead of letting you help him.
Its difficult because he is in pain right now and i can only say i would feel as blindsighted as you and also go quiet for now. You have good reason to go quiet.
When it comes to the ex by itself and him being resilient to talk about her. I cannot say what that means. You could have been overly nosy or he could still have feelings. Its just weird to me that he chose to stay with an ex to heal. From both sides unless its a long done ex and they are just really good friendsSeptember 18, 2019 at 12:43 pm #773502
How long have you two be together and how long is the ex an ex? I think those timelines could give more insightSeptember 18, 2019 at 1:02 pm #773505
Hi-she (the ex)could not know about his accident unless he told her-so this means he either called her and made a plan to stay with her or they have been in contact all along and he told her as part of their regular conversation and then he/she made a plan.
Unless you are not really his girlfriend or have barely started dating/are casual–this would be unacceptable to me. I would tell him that” as he did not/does not seem to need/want you,even as you were prepared to help however you could” that you are moving on. Ten wish him well and do so. I am sorry,this is a crappy thing for you,but I would move on. Next time,find a guy hat lives nearby. His whole deal sounds shady to me-he could even have been seeing her all along.September 18, 2019 at 1:44 pm #773507
Sorry you are going through this..He doesn’t sound very worthy of your time/support/existence. And is using this accident as an excuse to prove he is even more of a D. It also sounds like this is his actual gf and he is lying to both of you…I’m not trying to be mean I just have been through a similar situation. You seem like a nice, caring person and he does not. If you have the strength, I would leave him. Doesn’t have to be on a bad note but you don’t deserve to be treated this way and he is a shady liar..The only thing that heals these things is time so try to focus on yourself. Give yourself a few days to grieve. And say sayanora to this man. Exercise will help! Best of luck xoxoxSeptember 18, 2019 at 1:56 pm #773508
I feel you did the right thing and I’m sorry you’re going through this.September 18, 2019 at 2:17 pm #773510
I agree with Amy this doesn’t like sound like an ex. You may in fact be the woman on the side.
His behavior is very shady, I would not contact him anymore.
Accident or not he knows his actions are wrong.September 18, 2019 at 3:20 pm #773514
I think what others are suggesting that she is not an ex makes sense. Also other things are shady to me now, like where he was when he had the accident (brighton area?). Caraccidents are usually covered in local media so i would try to look it up.
Take care anywaySeptember 18, 2019 at 3:59 pm #773516
OP you are absolutely right to be upset and not I’m with this. How long have you been together? How often do you see each other? How long have they been split for? What do you mean he gets defensive- what do you ask him and why about her? Sounds like you might have had alarm bells ringing there already from what you’ve said.
This is not acceptable- you go go stay wit an ex when you have a girlfriend. What do you think about the others comments that he might still be with her?September 18, 2019 at 8:29 pm #773524
I also think he called her to tell her about the accident. Not the behavior of a boyfriend and his ex. We all have exes. Know how many I’d call if I were in an accident and had a boyfriend?
Not a single one.September 18, 2019 at 9:04 pm #773525
Agree with others in that this is super shady. Does he not have a single family member, friend, co-worker or anyone else he could call upon. An ex is the last person I would even think about calling, unless they happen to be the only person I knew if I was living in a new area for instance.
I would go completely quiet, so quiet he would have to book a flight to reach me.September 19, 2019 at 4:18 am #773539
Please, tell this guy that you wish him the best, and that it seems that his ex-girlfriend is taking good care of him. And that you are saying goodbye, thanks for everything.
Then don’t say more. And move on in your mind and life and focus on other things. F@&k him. Let him go. Let him wonder. If he wants you, he will then do everything get you back. If not, well, now you know the truth, which you suspect now anyway.
This guy is at best not being nice to you or valuing you. And at worst lying to you about this other girl and who knows what else. Are either of these options something you can live with? And this is the truth, regardless of how nice he has been in the past or the connection you think you had.
Please, I hope you will follow this advice.September 19, 2019 at 4:33 am #773540
To add to my comment, please also don’t bother yourself with thoughts about oh, but he’s injured and hurt, he’s going through a hard time and needs sympathy, etc. No. He will be fine. If he’s stressed by your message, so what? Stress him out. Guys can handle it. Again, if he really likes you, he will pursue you, in a way that is totally clear and leaves no question. And he will respect you more. And if he doesn’t do this, again, at least you know.September 19, 2019 at 5:07 am #773541
I live in Southampton UK and if he is saying he had an accident 2h from London, looks like the accident was in fact in Brighton or in that area.
like someone said accidents are usually in the local newspapers if you know what sort of accident it was you can look it up.
and I agree with others I do not believe it is his ex more like his gfSeptember 19, 2019 at 4:17 pm #773595
T from NY
Whether the woman in question is his ex or someone he’s been seeing all along – the major point is that when a crisis arose he showed you who he went to. He went to her. He’s communicating with her. He’s not making you a part of what’s going on in his everyday life.
Men are not children – though un-committed men sure act like them. A man who’s invested in you – acts like a man. He takes charge of communicating with you so that you are always aware of your status with him. This man’s silence is meaningful. A woman who loves herself and demands respect in her relationships would be hurt, but she would listen.September 20, 2019 at 5:10 am #773645
*Im not very impressed with his resolution skills as it probably takes the same time to g from brighton back to London by train as would Brussels by plane*
No, it would be so much easier travelling either by car (which I’d imagine he did) or train two hours away than having to book flights, navigate airports, security etc. At any rate, he may not even have been that far away in the first place. Furthermore, the airline would have requested a fitness to fly certificate from his doctor, given the accident was relatively recent, especially for someone with broken ribs, which the hospital may well have refused in the circumstances. In addition, as he pointed out he would need to be near the hospital for follow-up appointments,even for things like X-rays dressing-changes etc in the next few weeks, one with ready access to his hospital notes etc Frankly, in his circumstances and injuries going abroad (or fly) would be the last thing I would consider..All in all logistically much simpler to remain near the original hospital.
I’m not saying there isn’t anything else going on here (we simply don’t know at this point) just merely pointing out the above.
Any updates OP?