This topic contains 32 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by tammy 9 months ago.
August 24, 2019 at 11:37 am #765514
Not sure what to do other than feeling completely disappointed.
I have been with my BF for a year now, in a relationship that i would think to be very healthy, loving and fun. He is extremely committed and shows that everyday.
I do however have trust issues in general and sometimes I don’t know if it’s rooted in me or if i am picking on smth subconsciously.
I know it’s not the right thing to do, and I also was slightly drunk, but while he was showering last night, I got into his phone. He had texted his ex earlier during the day about smth at work (they work in a similar field). The text exchange was small and general but yet I am sitting here and wondering why open up any communication lines at all? Yet how often is he doing this that I am not aware of ? When my ex texted me recently and asked to follow me on Instagram, I ignored both motives as I didn’t want drama and i put my relationship first.
I was so sad and got so cold last night, literally started shivering, such that he had to ask me if I was ok . I have never been betrayed or cheated as this is my first relationship but I am so sad and empty feeling today.
Anybody has had a similar experience? What do you all think about this situation ?August 24, 2019 at 11:49 am #765515
OP I absolutely see where you are coming from here. Firstly, did he initiate the conversation can you see on the text thread? Did it seem work related ? How often and how long has this been happening?
There’s no point in me saying you shouldn’t have looked at his phone, because you’ve done it. But let’s establish if this is new behaviour or not from what you did.August 24, 2019 at 12:11 pm #765518
He initiated the text first by sending a video of some construction site i think, not exactly sure what it was since i didn’t have enough time to check. But yeah this is the first time i have seen such a text with her.
Hard part is that I can’t even talk about it since i snooped. But I still want to addresss this behavior and I don’t know why.August 24, 2019 at 12:36 pm #765520
Why did you snoop?August 24, 2019 at 12:39 pm #765523
Because i was curious? Because I feel like I don’t want to be played and lately I feel been feeling on edge for whatever reasons. Turns out my intuition may be right…August 24, 2019 at 1:28 pm #765535
Unfortunately if you keep looking you will find something you don’t want to see. If it was work related I don’t see why this would be so upsetting. You snooping isn’t going to bode well if you try to address this. If this is purely innocent he will be not only offended but feel betrayed that you don’t trust him.
I suppose you could work this into a light conversation about exes. Maybe say you have a friend whose boyfriend this talks to his ex and she asked for advice. Then ask his male opinion on the topic. See what he says. Do it in person so you can see if he looks uncomfortable or doesn’t answer the question. You could even say that you would never do that for the sake of your relationship with him. How does he feel about the topic. His answer will reveal if he admits he has talked to ex, or if he lies and also says he would never do this.August 24, 2019 at 1:52 pm #765539
Is he with her? No, he’s with you. Stop being a psychopath and looking through his phone. Do you like making yourself upset? Do you like starting drama? Well that’s what you’re doing here. Unless they are sexting each other, he is doing nothing wrong. If he found out, the relationship would be over because he wouldn’t be able to trust you anymore, regardless if he was in the wrong. A man’s phone is like his diary, and you invaded his personal belongings.
People talk with their ex’s for various reasons, mostly curiosity. Sometimes I text my ex because I’m bored and want to know what he’s been up to lately. Mind you, I have no feelings for him anymore, and there is a 0% chance I would ever go back to him.
You’re young and unexperienced so don’t take this post the wrong way. But looking through your man’s phone is a no no. Unless you found lipstick on his shirt and a thong in his car that wasn’t yours, and he is your HUSBAND is the only time I think it’s ok to snoop because the evidence is clearly there.August 24, 2019 at 1:59 pm #765542
They work in the same field and he texted something about work. Why are you upset?August 24, 2019 at 2:06 pm #765543
I agree with Jay and this is exactly what I would do. If this makes you feel any better – I’ve contacted an ex about work too and there is absolutely nothing going on, I would never want to get back with him and I would never betray my partner. I’ve never been friends with any of my exes and I actually don’t like to keep in touch with them. I just really thought that this work thing was important. Maybe it’s similar with your bf and his ex.August 24, 2019 at 2:22 pm #765547
Why haven’t you talked to him about your pre-existing trust issues?August 24, 2019 at 2:23 pm #765548
So you say that you haven’t looked before, and your intuition was telling you something? Can you say more about that? It sounds like you’re saying this is new, that you haven’t had that feeling before since being together and something changed in how you felt. Can you identify what and how? Has he pulled away, been preoccupied? Different? What?August 24, 2019 at 2:28 pm #765551
I’ve always said, if you have the gall to snoop- You better have the guts to share the air…August 24, 2019 at 3:05 pm #765556
Thank you all so much for your inputs. I can understand each angle and where in the wrong I am.
The text exchange was kind of like funny, he shares smth about the work, and she replied say smth that he is getting a tad too excited about it :p… whatever that meant. Which means that they have some sort of inside joke or whatever. So it wasn’t purely professional, it was kind of an update or smth. Idk.
My insecurities come from the fact that I feel as if he is not as affectionate with me anymore as he used to be. I do not get the same attention from him and that I am desirable in his eyes. I don’t know if this has to do with the honeymoon phase being over but my behaviors and my affection towards him hasn’t changed. And i think that’s where I am subconsciously getting triggered. It could also be purely my expectations of him and I am just hurting myself.
Also, to add to this, when we were first dating, i would say the first 3 months when we were exclusive ( can’t remember if we were official yet) I remember this exact girls name started calling him, the name showed up on the car dash. I thought nothing of it and left it at that. Now later I found it was his ex and just recently with this text exchange I am beginning to think that the ties may not be completely cut.
Also, i found out that they had broken up fairly before we started dating. I am concerned cuz it seems he never got that space to reflect. Although I wouldn’t say my relationship is a rebound cuz it’s fairly serious and we talk about future together, I still kind of sometimes wonder if he truly knows what he wants.
That’s why this text was a trigger cuz it’s beyond just the fact of them exchanging texts but also cuz if history and what I have picked up on in the past.August 24, 2019 at 3:24 pm #765566
You either trust him or you don’t. I gave you a suggestion on how to bring this up.
Relationships change over time. You can’t always be in the infatuation stage. Things calm down. Have you not experienced that before with other relationships? Men come on strong in the beginning to win you, but that intensity isn’t sustainable. So either your gut is true and he is fading or you have unrealistic expectations of how long term relationships work.August 24, 2019 at 3:31 pm #765570
They exchanged a text not body fluids… just sayingAugust 24, 2019 at 3:34 pm #765571
Oh I see. That makes more sense. A couple of things:
Firstly, you seem the kind of woman who struggles when the honeymoon period subsides and the more settled/not the same intensity is there, as all relationships do. It’s hard when you are that way.
Secondly, did you guys ever discuss the ex boundary in regard to what’s ok and what isn’t? I can understand that seeing contact from an ex is unsettling and leaves most women feeling all sorts, including a whirl of uncertainty and insecurity. Is there a way you can speak to him without bringing the fact you’ve looked at his phone into it? I think as his OS of a year, you’ve a right to know his boundaries around contact with ex’s. If it’s work related, or otherwise, he should be open with you about it.
Do you think he’s deleting messages or is this new thing just that? New contact?
My partner has always stayed in contact with his ex and I hated it. Out of respect and a desire for us to be together given how it was affecting us andme, he eventually ended the friendship. He didn’t like it, to me you don’t get to be friends with an ex )particularly an immediate ex) if the current partner is badly affected. That’s just how I am and he needed to make his decision around know that about me, that I wasn’t prepared to feel as I did with their regular contact. He has other female friends and that’s no issue. Ex’s for me, is a no beyond polite catch up if you bump into each other and being fb friends – no more. My partner decided that he wanted us together more than a friendship with his ex after all.
What type of discussion have you two had about such things? You might not have had any. You could invent that a friend has recently found out her partners ex and him have been back in contact, and your friend is upset. Then say you can totally understand why, that it would unsettle you too and see what he says.
I asked to see my partners phone on one occasion as he’d said there was nothing romantic between his ex and him. He was right, I could see it in the messages, however I didn’t like the friendly chatter, that he’s there telling his ex about how he’s doing and so on, for me it’s too much. I understand that unsettled and upset feeling.August 24, 2019 at 10:47 pm #765818
Jay, thanks for advice. That’s actually a pretty smart way to bring up the topic of ex and boundaries. I think I am going to do that the next time we see each other. It is true that I may be a bit unrealistic of the expectations of how things are supposed to be a year later. He is my first serious boyfriend so it could also explain why my insecurities may be magnified due to the lack of experiences and hence lack of confidence.
Honey pie, we haven’t specifically touched upon boundaries with exes in details. I know in the beginning we were both pretty set string on emotional and physical act of cheating to be the end of a relationship. I think this may be a time to start clarifying things regarding that.
Let’s suppose they keep in touch here and there, what do you guys suggest I do knowing the information i currently know? If he lies and says he has never contacted and ex before, where do I go from here?August 25, 2019 at 2:19 am #765825
There’s no reason to be contacting an ex if there are no children involved. They are in the past and should stay there.August 25, 2019 at 4:19 am #765831
If he put right lies then you have a huge problem. I would expect him to say something like well sometimes there’s reasons for contact (work perhaps in his case- I don’t know, only have what you’ve written, but I wouldn’t like an ex saying to my partner an inside joke of getting excited as you’ve mentioned) in which case you can then say oh, have you or do you keep in contact with ex’s then? I guess we’ve never really discussed it. If he then denies it there is an issue. A big one. Not necessarily meaning he might cheat, as he may lie to avoid conflict, but even so you have a problem if a man lies blatantly about such things when we done it. If he does lie, you could always say would you tell me if you were? As I’d prefer to know and for us to talk it through, even if it were difficult, I’d rather we did that and I know, since we’re on the subject. This may create the opportunity for him to fess up as you are being clear with a boundary in a general conversation way. Then if you hear nothing then yep there’s a huge issue, or if he talks it through be prepared to not emotionally loss it. Even if you take time to think and get back to him, give him the respect that he’s been honest and talk it through and how you feel.August 25, 2019 at 4:28 am #765833
My experience has been a mixture of both those mentioned above. I was with someone for two years who I knew he had heard from. I had asked him at the beginning of our time together to tell me so we could talk it through, yet he didn’t, more than once. It was a major contributor to our break up. I couldn’t never trust he put us first when he had contact with his ex and didn’t tell me, which he’d said he would do.
My partner now is the opposite. Totally open. Although I have had to ask at times, as he doesn’t always let me know, he is always honest when I have asked, and now has pulled the plug on the contact with his ex which I believe for his part was friendship, not from her part however. This has done the opposite to the other relationship because his honesty has brought me closer to him. His putting us first has made us stronger.
Prepare yourself that partners don’t always share your view. That doesn’t mean they will be unfaithful or cheat, it doesn’t make them wrong or you, but you need to reach compromise with what feels ok for you and that’s a different thing. If it upsets you then you’ve every right to say and then he and you base your decisions on that.August 25, 2019 at 5:26 am #765835
I know its hard to navigate relationships but I don’t think he did anything wrong, was being honest about it with you, there was nothing really in the text that said he was lying to you about anything, and that’s a good thing.
I think this has more to do with you. Its natural for the newness and excitement to ebb in a relationship as you get to know each other better. He’s feeling safe and securer with you, which is why he told you he texted his ex, and if he starts feeling its not safe to tell you things, he’s going to stop, and start being sneakier because you make it difficult for him to be open and honest if you punish him for doing so. You need to learn how to trust him because if you can’t, he’s not going to see the value of staying with you.
Men above-all need to be and feel respected by their partner. If you can’t respect him then this relationship will not survive for long.August 25, 2019 at 6:59 am #765836
Lane, I can’t see where the OP’s partner has told her they have text? She found out by snooping I think. He hasn’t told her.August 25, 2019 at 10:13 am #765844
I think your jumping the gun. it was just a fun text wrt work stuff. I am friends with few of my exes and any interactions with them is very occasional and friendly. if the break off is amicable I don’t see what the problem is here. maybe if you come across other flirty texts and regular contact now that could be an issue to think about.August 25, 2019 at 12:25 pm #765864
Hi Honey pie. I just find it odd that out of the entire year, she picked that particular night out of the blue to go through his phone, where low and behold there’s a text to his ex.
Based on her posts, there’s been little to no interaction between them for quite some time, so I would think he may have mentioned or said something about it, and curiosity killed the cat.August 25, 2019 at 1:01 pm #765867
Honeypie thnx so much for taking your time in reply with such wisdom last couple of posts. I completely agree with you that if this counties and he hides it, there’s a huge problem. I don’t even know where I would go from there. I am just taking this place to pray and reflect and not get anxious and worked up in my head to make things worse. I don’t like to feel this way because then the entire relationship starts to be painted in a weird way :/
Lane, he hasn’t mention her, as a matter of fact, when we talked about exes, it seemed that she was less of an impact on him then the previous serious GF of 5 years ago. On the flip side, my concern is that if I randomly choose to snoop found out about this, what are the chances that he could have been in contact with her other times?
I do agree that this is a bigger issue and it comes down to trust. I truly need to reflect on this.