This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Roro87 6 days, 6 hours ago.
December 7, 2018 at 7:07 am #731478
I stumbled across this forum some days ago when I decided to meet up with my ex and later on – surprisingly – regretted it.
This whole thing is now clear to me, but would love to hear your 2 cents on it.
I’m sorry it’s going to be somewhat of an essay to explain how it all happened:
We dated for about 6 months, during which I saw his parents, met some of his friends and also in the end had long-distance for about 2 months.
I was slightly depressed when we met, and later on I realized meeting him made it worse for me.
He was always a bit distant; couldn’t communicate properly and I always felt a bit like I had to settle for things.
I learned he had been diagnosed with schitzophrenia and that he had ‘times’ when he just caved in and had problems trusting anyone. I witnessed some moments where he went from absolute turmoil to this fake optimism in less than 3 hrs.
During our dating I knew that he had the tendency to be manipulative, to twist things for his advantage and sugar coat things. He was a sucker for respect, so social gatherings and situations were always a game for him.
But we had our good moments and I saw that with patience, there was a good person inside too. My friends and family knew he was no good for me and I, on some level too, knew it.
Closer to the summer when I was flying back home for 2 months, things got better because I had the urge to leave and was constantly saying how i missed home (a different country). But it was also due to me getting pregnant unexpectedly – I was still on a pill.
He then made a 180, started to go to the hospital with me and took care of me, gave all the affection in the world.
I was a bit surprised that he had the ability for this and he told me that he didnt want the kid to grow up without his father. I was sure I would keep the child, with or without him.
We found out that it was an ectopic pregnancy (outside the womb) so we had to do an abortion.
It was an intense time for me, but it brought us closer together.
When I flew back home I told him I was happy to go and wanted to be carefree and just forget about everything related to the pregnancy and the country. During the LDR we talked alot through calling and that made our communication so much better. I was waiting to fly back at the end of the summer and was actually optimistic we had reached a mutual point in our relationship where he was respectful and considerate of me.
We then decided to book a small trip to another country outside our home countries where he was going with some friends, to meet up and see each other before I was coming back.
During that trip I realized he was still the person who’d cave in and couldnt communicate. I felt so alone, even when with him. He also said things like he cannot do the ‘relationship thing’ and other stuff that really hit me hard. On the last day of the trip I told him I couldnt do it anymore and that we should break it off now that we still enjoyed each other. I didn’t want to do it, but I knew deep down I had do. I knew I deserved better. I told him I felt restricted when with him, because I never knew what kind of mood he was having. He then actually said that he thought everything was good between us and that we were making progress. I knew we were but felt that in a balanced relationship, we would have had more stable feelings towards each other by that time. I also mentioned, that I know from experience how a good relationship feels like and that ours didnt feel like one since I was enduring alot of things..
It was a peaceful and respectful ending where we both cried and agreed to ‘see how things would go’ for the next couple of weeks when I was back home before flying back to his home country. Truthfully, I thought I would either get over him then that I was being honest about these issues and honest with myself, or that we could work things out since we were on a good path and things were progressing.
Well our contact became less and less and I felt anxious about flying back, which before had felt like a joyous thing.
On the day of my flight, I called him and we talked a bit and agreed he’d pick me up from the airport. I stayed at his place and it was good, but I sensed the mutual respect wasnt there and that it had dropped to this state of ‘just hanging out’. The next day when he was driving me home, I asked him if he did some thinking about the whole thing and how he felt, because I felt somethings shifted. He said everything was good and that we should just do our own thing (you do yours and I’ll do mine). I was pretty shocked. I thought we would at least have a real conversation about it, that this is the final decision, but it felt like he already decided for himself. It felt like he was leaving me this time and it was taking place in a car while driving. He was basically trying to downgrade our relationship to whatever suited him at the moment, no responsibility.
The last thing I saw of him was when he was trying to keep his pokerface and quickly hugged me in front of the car. I was just shaking my head in disbelief. He then looked away and shed some tears while sitting back into the car.
I was furious but still shook. How could he let us go so easily ?
During the first cople of weeks he liked some of my pics on ig, but i then sent him a message i had to block him so we could do this smoothly.
After 1,5 months I saw him once at this outside bar, but didnt go talk to him. Im pretty sure he saw me too, but respected my decision to have NC.
I was doing fairly ok, even met someone else during this but it didnt work out since I noticed I wasnt happy with how things had ended with my ex. Couple of weeks ago I started to check his ig more and noticed becoming more furious on how he could just give us up like that. At a party last weekend, I met a mutual friend who told me he had been asking about me about a month ago. I then decided to send him a message and meet up with him on neutral grounds just to discuss and see how I would feel. Something came up and we decided to meet at his place, where his roommate was too with some friends. I already felt a bit iffy about it but made up my mind on seeing him. We catch up and laughed about some stuff and I felt relieved we were on good terms. He also said he was surprised that I was so consistent with the NC, I think his exes all came back within a week. I was about to leave when he then said that it would be great if i’d stay. I felt this old warmth and .. stayed.
Of course we had sex though I tried to put it off when he started to come close to me. I knew that wasnt the reason I went there for.
In the morning I felt used. We talked some more but noticed I was the one telling him how I felt about the breakup and what I learned during NC. I didnt go there to continue from where we left, but to see that we were good with things.
His opinion on this was that he still likes to hang out with me but is happy to do things as he pleases.
It has now been 4 days since this happened and I kinda took a step back with my process of getting over him. What happened, happened and now I need to pick myself up again.
I am disappointed I let him talk me into staying but also know in the end it was my decision. Im going back home for Christmas and can reflect on this without the fear of bumping into him.
Is there other people who experienced similar things and how did you go about them ? I don’t really feel I got the answers I was looking for and still think our talk on the trip was his way out and he took it without any proper discussion. I know Im better off without him, but all the worthlessness came flooding back in and Im ashamed I even contacted him.December 7, 2018 at 8:08 am #731479
I have a hard time seeing any happy times in your relationship. Its filled with issues, you being depressed, him being a schizophrenic, a miscarriage, lot of flying around, him being wishy washy. To me it sounds like two people that are unbalanced at the moment hoping the other one would make it one whole. But it doesnt work like that. Also you say your feelings of worthlessness came back. What does that mean? You tried and it didnt work. Thats it. No need to feel bad about it. I believe people show up in our lives for a reason. This one could be telling you, you need to get more balanced yourself, love yourself, heal yourself. I know it sounds yada yada but it is the key to happiness.December 7, 2018 at 9:24 am #731483
Hi Newbie, thanks for your input.
I was depressed because my internship provider cancelled 1 week before it shouldve started, most of my friends were away to do their internship and my dating life wasnt so great. I didnt really manage to get myself back on track when I met him and immediately reflected my past issues on him.
But of course his own issues didnt contribute much to our relationship either.
My feelings of worthlessness come from childhood, which I have been working on for years now. And they are easily triggered when I get involved with someone who also has some of their own.
I also agree on the part that I should be balancing myself now and finding out who I am. Not yada yada but the truth. It has been a rocky road since living in another country also makes you question your own identity and where you belong as an expat.
I liked the fact that he brought me another take on this place with his own life, that differed from mine.
<3December 7, 2018 at 12:21 pm #731506
6 months of NC and you’re not over this guy? You clearly have fallen in love with an idea of a person that is not him. I don’t know how you’re going to be able to move on if 6 months brought you back to square one again.December 7, 2018 at 12:25 pm #731508
Hi Roro87-This is the wrong guy for you-and NEWS FLASH-you don’t need a guy to show you a place,life etc. You can decide what interests you and what things you would like to experience,learn in life. Do this,figure this out for yourself.
Once you are happy and confident with yourself and the life you have created-you will find/attract the right guy.December 7, 2018 at 1:12 pm #731518
I am not sure why are you upset. You wanted to break up, you did break up, you are on good terms. You acknowledged your own mistake by breaking the NC and going and having sex with him, but this is a very classical mistake. post-breakup sex almost NEVER means a reconciliation. In most cases it means FWB, when you are having sex while looking for someone else. Women often misinterpret it, but he was honest with you. He did not lead you on.
You knew this guy was wrong for you, he has serious issues, you are not compatible, why force somethin somewhere? when you can just move on.
I am sorry but this is a classical example of women trying and trying to “fix things” when those broken things are better be thrown out, not to take up space and resources. While making themselves upset of those broken things.
It is a good luck that the guy with series issues is NOT for you. You are now free to take time to heal, shake off the bagage and move on, and find someone BETTER for you.December 8, 2018 at 4:19 am #731630
Thanks for your replies.
The relationship lasted 6 months, and NC for 3 months.
I was actually on a good path with everything, but somethings just brought it up end I wanted to be able to meet him and say we are good. The city we live in is not that big and it was bothering me to maybe see him again.
And honestly, I didnt think seeing him would change things; I know what we had, it wasnt magnificent at times and I remember the pain I endured from just settling. I know now it was mostly because I had a moment of missing him. Thats human.
In this case it will surely not mean FWB, because I was never down for that, though I felt like that was what he was trying to transform it into after not being able to commit.
He has mental health issues and he’s basically living pretty selfishly and is just waiting for things to go sour for him. Thats not a life I want to be a part of.