Mutual Breakup..now what?


Home Forums Break Up Advice Mutual Breakup..now what?

This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  tammy 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #746565 Reply

    Haley

    We are both sophomores in college (I happen to be almost a year older than him though). He pushed hard for the commitment in the beginning and I wasn’t that into him in the beginning (my friends reminded me that after our third date I came back and told them how I rather be hanging out with my mother). But since I wasn’t used to a guy courting me so hard, and I did enjoy spending time with him (he was nice, pleasant, and we had decent conversations, nothing was like WOWZA though, it took me about two months to be physically attracted to him, and kissing him was so awkward, he was incredibly inexperienced, but I felt comfortable and tried to look past appearance and we ended up developing a great emotional connection).

    Fast forward to November, I told him ok lets try this and we became a couple. I felt awkward still but this was my first relationship ever, so I wanted to learn and liked him enough to see where it could go. We fell in love QUICKLY. We spent every weeknight together until 4 am after thanksgiving break, and could talk for hours. It was great. He told me I love you on one of those nights, and I was so taken aback. IT WAS TOO EARLY. He repeatedly told me how he felt insanely lucky, and if he deserved a girl as beautiful and kind as me to be liking him and what not. He had such low self esteem issues (but to be fair I was a bit out of his league, I say it the nicest way possible). Our passion went on like that until Valentines Day I would say, most likely due to the sex. I got way more attracted to him once we started having sex once to twice a week. I feel like I definitely fell in love with the affection he gave me, the overall physical intimacy of being monogamous with someone you like in bed (I never had that before! it was great, even though I was his first for EVERYTHING, the sex got better and I got to teach him stuff, his penis was honestly a little bit small but I was focusing hard on our emotional connection). Later that week he told me he loved me, we spent a beautiful winter evening together and I told him I loved him back and sobbed after I said it. It was all extremely intense. even though there were some up and downs throughout January and February, we did have a great Valentines Day..but We did everything he wanted to do, and I bent over backwards to please him. Our relationship started to burn quickly in mid March. I was relying heavily on the sex and trying to plan when we could make it happen. I was so addicted to the physical intimacy and ignored the fact we truly did not have much in common, and whenever I was in public with him I was kind of ashamed to be seen with him since he clearly has not reached his peak yet. Yet I pushed forward.

    During our spring break at the end of March, I stayed an extra couple of days to spend time with him since he was starting a new job. We both ended up getting busier in March so he asked me to stay so we could spend time together. I agreed and knew we were sort of disconnecting and I tried very hard to keep us connecting, since we were clearly leaving the honeymoon stage. That night was fun, we did have a good time, but that was the last night we had sex. I felt like I didn’t even know him for some reason, even though we have known each other for half a year at this point. I knew our relationship was over when he said to me how he missed tinder. My heart sank. I ignored it and he said no no I am happy i am in a relationship now. We said bye and after spring break I knew things were going downhill.

    He pulled away these last three weeks and I could tell didn’t want to see me. My heart broke.I didn’t eat, sleep, and couldn’t focus. I was willing to work, to do things together, he was not. He told me a couple days ago after asking for some head space to think that he said our relationship got stale and he got bored. That hurt. Even though I felt the same. He said all we have been doing is talking then having sex and I was like we are in college, and I am willing to be flexible around your new schedule. He wasn’t. In a way I am happy it ended like this. I know I gave him some self confidence with girls and sex. He is also extremely misogynistic, and I knew if I broke up with him he would just curse me out and not ever really come to the conclusion of what he learned from this. He made me realize I cannot do casual sex anymore. Our sex drives also didn’t match, he actually said we were having TOO much sex. Our roles were incredibly reversed, I seemed to always think like the guy in the relationship while he was the girl.
    A day after our breakup, my friends showed me he was back on Tinder. I went on for a hour and felt physically ill and deleted it. I need a couple months to myself to reconnect with who I am, since I spent so much time trying to make this relationship work. We expressed how we will always care for one another, and he said if I need to talk to someone (my dad has stage 4 cancer) he is there for me, but just in a friend way. I said thanks and now I want to delete on social media (he wants to keep our snapchat streak??), but I really have no ill will. I am trying to reconnect with myself, and trying not to feel the burden of how “OH youre in college you gotta mess around!”, I just want to focus on me, friends, family. I am still sad about the breakup, but I knew it was never going to work, but the bored comment was hurtful.

    #749392 Reply

    Steph

    I’m a few years older than you and have been out of college for a while now but your story has some similarities to mine. Like you and your ex, I also found myself falling quickly for my now ex bf and things moved very fast. We were together 7 months before we called it quits. I too started to feel like he was a stranger and felt him pull away the last 2-3 weeks of my relationship, coincidentally after my grandfather had passed away. He and I had even gone on a weekend trip to get away for a bit after the funeral and things just weren’t the same. The relationship had its problems along the way but they really came to a head in late March when we ultimately broke up.

    In my opinion, this guy, although what he did sucks, has ultimately done you a favor. You are worthy of someone chasing you and would do anything for you. It sounds like you two weren’t super compatible either (your comment about being embarrassed to be seen with him in public rang so close to home for me) because I used to feel the same way. It will get easier one day at a time. But don’t force yourself to date u til you are truly ready.

    #749892 Reply

    Haley

    Hi Steph, reading your reply was very nice. I am happy that in this forum we can come together and relate on relationship experiences. I just wanted to update and say I am doing a lot better mentally than when I first wrote this and sometimes I catch myself romanticizing certain aspects of the relationship and him in general (especially because I still see him around) but am seeing him for what he is (a misogynist and highly immature that doesn’t know what a real relationship requires, and great sexual incompatibility, honestly the list can go on), but am trying not to check his social media (I blocked him off of everything). Sometimes I do, and then feel icky and gross and then I say what was I thinking?

    The only thing I don’t like is that my friends are calling him ugly, and yeah he wasn’t the best looking guy but the point was that I looked past the appearance and focused on emotionally connecting (which is what we did!). So as much as my friends are trying to help, I know deep down its just acceptance, focusing on myself, forgiving myself and moving forward onto bigger and better things. I get angry and resent at some moments, which I think is normal. He just wasn’t the guy FOR ME, which I am trying to focus on. Instead of me trying to fit in into his category of perfect, he never fit into mine and I always settled. He ignores me in person, but at this rate I am try not to care. So many doors have closed on me this year (cutting out toxic friends, dealing with my dad who has cancer, and then this relationship) that I know its time for other doors to open. Its only been a month since we broke up but I have been feeling so much better and more like myself, especially after removing him from social media. He doesn’t deserve to see my life.

    #749920 Reply

    L

    Kids!

    #749926 Reply

    Better off

    He’s ugly. Of course you’re not as heartbroken and easily getting over it.

    So f*king over dramatic.
    “He doesn’t deserve to see my life.”

    Why would you even care? You didn’t really like him in the first place.

    #749934 Reply

    Better off

    Square peg round hole.

    Emotionally connecting to someone isn’t always a good thing. The last person I emotionally connected to, left a deep dark scar on my soul. I haven’t been the same since. I’ve been trying to get better instead of bitter. It’s hard. most days, I don’t even wanna get outta bed. I do only because I have to.

    You weren’t attracted to him to begin with.
    You felt he was boring and that didn’t change. You stuck it out like a champ hoping it would. Got tired of the false hope he would change eventually.
    He didn’t spark any “love” and you still stuck it out. You’re hurt. Good thing you guys didn’t have kids together and wind up tied to eachother for life.

    I know I sound pretty callous. I’ve been there in your shoes and I don’t feel sorry for you.

    “Instead of me trying to fit in into his category of perfect, he never fit into mine and I always settled.”

    Try being more honest with yourself instead of shifting blame for continuing something you know shouldn’t have ever started.

    #749951 Reply

    Steph

    Haley, I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. That only will get better with more time. It does sound like you two had fun say entail differences that you hoped wouldn’t be an issue. I can totally appreciate that because I went through the same with my ex. The differences seemed small until they just continued to add up and led to us butting heads all the time. And this was only 6 months into the relationship so imagine what it would have looked like a year in! Take this as a sign that you are meant for someone who is your match and you’ll realize how much someone can make you happy.

    #749953 Reply

    Steph

    Fundamental differences***
    Sorry for the typos, using my phone over here haha

    #750061 Reply

    truth

    The guy had issues.

    Read back on your post. He obviously didn’t feel worthy — all those things he did only cover up the fact that he felt inadequate.

    You loved him in spite of what he was. I think he was looking form someone who thought he was amazeballs in his own way.

    It’s not a bad thing. You did what you could and it did’t work out. Don’t ever feel bad for trying to be a loving person

    #750083 Reply

    Get out of here!

    Loool!

    I think you’re feeling this way not because you were so in love and heartbroken but because the guy dumped YOU. Regardless how amazing you think you are and how ugly he looks with his small penis the guy actually dump you. And you’re only like this because you were kicked off your high horse! Didn’t expect that at all did ya?

    Seriously, there’s nothing you’ve said that convinces me you’re hurt that he left because you loved him. Everything screams you’re looking for ego boost. You don’t even like this guy. Smdh!!!

    #750103 Reply

    Haley

    I honestly didn’t expect this to blow up like this. I kinda just typed out everything after the breakup to get it off my chest. All I know is that my feelings are my feelings and yeah my ego hurt a bit after the breakup but that’s normal. Point is I learned, I’m young and stupid, but moving forward. Harsh comments I’ll take but none of that was the endgoal.

    #750105 Reply

    Ejdjjjj

    ?

    #750113 Reply

    tammy

    I think u thought that he should be thankful because you were way out of his league. so getting dumped by him was a shocker for you even though the writing was on the wall. its just that he pre-empted the breakup instead of you. The sex with him was great. many women do get attached to men if the sex is great. and you guys were together for some time with great sex. ofcrse you are bound to get hurt when you break up. that’s normal reaction. I think what you guys had is over. so time for you to move on. just think of the great times you had. and its ok to break all contacts if that’s how you feel. move on girl and I am sure you will be fine. as you urself said, you also realised you guys dint have too many things in common. :-) its ok. this one over. next pls. :-)

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