Multi-dating, texting, and pacing

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  • #757376 Reply


    I have so many questions!

    So I’ve just ended a FWB as it wasn’t ‘enough’. I’m still feeling sad (I’ve lost my buddy!), but feel I’m ready for some companionship and fun over the summer, and when my feelings for ex-FWB have settled I feel ready for something more than he could offer.

    I matched with a few guys on an app and have continued chatting to two in particular.

    One seemed more of my ‘type’ for a relationship than the other so when he asked me for a date the first day we were chatting I said ‘not yet’; but the other guy I met for coffee as an ego boost as much as anything – he’s GORGEOUS, like model gorgeous. He’s arranged another date and I really like his approach – he’s fun and keeps in touch without being in my face all the time. He’s probably a player, but I know how to play a player when I’m not attached. Perfect for a summer fling really.

    I’m letting him do all the initiating, respond when I’m not busy (rather than immediately) and our first two dates are a week apart. Any tips on pacing if this goes beyond our date this weekend?

    But the other guy… he did a weird thing that I felt was over-familiar (put my profile pictures through that FaceApp that makes everyone look elderly) and whilst he’s still chasing he seems to be getting a bit prickly with me, though I’ve suggested we try and line up diaries to meet and he’s not followed up – but still texts me all the time. He sent me a picture of his children last night.

    I’m seeing enough yellow flags that I’m not bothered about pursuing it, but really the question is about how you manage the multi-dating thing as I’ve always been a serial monogamist.

    I find the guys text at the same time (so they can see you’re online and wonder why you’re not responding to them immediately), and I’ve got limited time without planning in advance so offering times to meet is a bit tricky when you’re trying to meet more than one person – offering them the same dates isn’t going to work!! Any tips on that?

    #757391 Reply



    #757395 Reply


    You agreed to a fwb and then are shocked it would not be more?

    #757397 Reply


    You have a lot to learn. I personally have not met men online, but the odds of any of these guys you chat with, being the one, is slim to none. Just date and see how it goes.

    #757443 Reply


    Stop interacting with the one who is not planning a date with no explanation. You are a pen pal, just stop responding. If he pushes and asks, just tell him you prefer meeting, texting is not your preferred method of communication. And that you are looking to be with someone you see regularly. Then unless he then calls or puts a date on the calendar, stop responding completely.

    #757451 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    Agree that you should stop giving the pen pal guy your time. If he won’t commit to a date, and is acting weird/shady, then don’t waste your energy. It doesn’t matter that he’s sending you pics of his children if he won’t even meet you (that is rather creepy by the way, sending pics of your kids to someone you’ve never met; putting your face through the face app thing is creepy as well- that’s actually kind of violating because now he’s given rights to your image to this app!). I like Tallgirl’s suggestion of just telling him you are looking to date, not text, and if he can’t commit a date to meet you, then wish him well and move on.

    I lean towards serial monogamy as well so can’t advise much on your other question. If you have a good vibe with Mr Gorgeous & plan to see him again, & have no other promising options lined up, why not just see him on your next date and see what happens? If a 3rd date materializes, I think waiting another week to see him is fine, unless there’s a particular reason, like a concert or show that’s less than a week away.

    If other guys pop up, just play it by ear. How limited is your ability to meet? Can you plan for weekends, for example?

    #757480 Reply


    Thanks ladies. I agree that the other guy is being a bit odd.

    So what’s the ideal between matching with someone and agreeing a date? I don’t like to meet someone without chatting for 2-3 days first (filters out obvious weirdos and makes sure I won’t want to immediately escape out of the bathroom window if we meet); but when someone’s been chatting a week or more without arranging a date then they’re in the penpal camp aren’t they?

    Liz Lemon – I’ve got a mid-week child free night and then I have a full day and overnight free at the weekend. Obviously I can get sitters if I need to so it’s not that bad, but I’ve got friends and family to see too. It’s enough time when I’ve met someone, but it’s a bit of a juggle if I want to line up a few dates.

    L – not shocked, if you’ve read any of the other threads I’ve posted about him you’ll have seen that it was an evolution over more than a year.

    OK – sure I do have a lot to learn. When I was last available for ‘dating’ it was 20 years ago & I had poor self esteem. Now I’ve had career success, am financially secure, settled with child, look considerably younger than I am and am a pretty good ‘catch’ I’m told – and it’s a whole different world out there.

    I don’t have a scarcity problem, I need to learn how to select and filter well and not get too excited about anyone in particular too soon. Which is why tips for texting and pacing interest me.

    #757481 Reply


    You have to know what you really want and from what I read you dropped the fwb just to find a summer fling. That doesn’t make sense. You only had one date with model guy. Why don’t you wait to see if he even pulls through to see you before you worry about pacing. The pacing part comes in once you are steady in seeing each other. You are far from that point.

    #757484 Reply


    OMG – FWB guy and I had discussed becoming ‘more’ but after 3 months of him blowing hot and cold it was obvious it wasn’t going to happen. There was a faith issue. He didn’t know how (or want, perhaps) to bring me into his family. At that point I couldn’t go backwards. I feel like I need a bit of space to let that settle before going for serious; but I’m ready for more than he could offer.

    #757485 Reply


    So why are you acting so serious about a few guys you are chatting with? If all you care for at the moment is casual entertainment than just meet a few men and date. That’s what I mean by being clear bout what you want. You are the classic case of a woman who tells a man she isn’t ready for a relationship and then comes back three months later complaining she fell for the guy. Most fwb do not turn into more. You saw that in action. Casual doesn’t work for you and yet you are going back into this doing the same thing all over again.

    #757494 Reply


    OMG – as I mentioned I’m a serial monogamist and I need to learn how to pick better :-)

    I’ve successfully done casual when it’s short (2/3 months) with someone unsuitable – this last one got out of hand and I got attached. I’ve learnt that about myself now, so it’s short and sweet or it needs to be leading to serious. I’ll need a decision point and I know when that is.

    And I guess I’m ‘acting serious’ because I haven’t really dated. All my previous relationships have come out of an extended friendship circle, but that hasn’t worked and I need to cast my net wider.

    I don’t want to be that poster coming back saying ARRGH MY HEART IS BROKEN after 2 months, hence asking for advice.

    #757495 Reply


    Why cant you just take a breather for a few weeks and process your emotions before you throw yourself out into the dating world again. You are still hurting from the breakup and didnt your FWB situation start right after your separation from your husband and was a way to get over that break up,( or did i confuse you with someone else?). Now you are looking for something even more casual to help you get over your FWB! But really you are looking for more and you are just gonna get hurt again! Honestly if you are looking for something serious in the near future take a few steps back, take time to heal, figure out what you want and then enter the dating world again.

    #757497 Reply



    I think from your posts you should continue to work on your self-esteem. As many women know, we get caught up with how we feel about ourselves based upon what others think. When this man you were with (FWB man) wanted more with you, or you thought he did, you felt more worthy than when it was just sex. You were so excited about your FWB becoming more, possibly in love with this man, had a trip planned- and it did not work out. You have to heal first as another poster wrote before you should be concerned about getting back out on the dating scene. Go out with friends, take a step back away from dating and relax. You will end up feeling more hurt when things don’t work out with casual dating or whatever you pursue because you are very vulnerable right now and as many posters report- you have to have thick skin to manage dating in this world today.

    #757500 Reply


    I get annoyed with most of Omg responses but in this case i agree with her. You dont want to admit to yourself what you want:. From what you described from your former fwb you really wanted to make it work but now you seem to repeat the same cycle. Women can be emotional unavailable too and i think you are one of them. But if you are emotional unavailable just to keep your guard up and not wanting to admit you want love in your life, it will actually cause you heart break. I would personally never date a mr gorgious but part of that is that i am not very attracted to them. I like the nerdy ones better or somewhat chubby. But besides that i would not believe something would come of the ground woth a mr gorgious. So it really does depend on what you want. A mr gorgious may not be so bad after fwb to speed up healing but you dont want to fall in the same hole either. Good luck

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