Moved on too fast


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  • #775926 Reply
    Violet

    Was with boyfriend for six months. He wanted to be serious, and things were going well. He talked about all these things he wanted to do, trips to historic places, to see his family whom lived far away, and even marriage. Things were going good.

    He worked a lot and we didn’t get to do a lot of what he talked about, but we tried to do things as much as possible. We recently spent a whole loving weekend together, going out to eat, sleepovers, and just being together. I thought things were really great.

    I never expected that to be the last time I saw him. We texted and phoned. He mentioned something about eventually wanting to move back where his family was. I mentioned how that worried me. But I didn’t think it was a big deal.

    He ghosted me.

    I did not see it coming. He told his family all about me and I told mine. It was pretty serious. I did not understand. He just stopped talking to me.

    I am so heartbroken and its been two months.

    My confidence is just shattered. Like I am worth nothing.

    We never were friends on facebook. I find after the fact that he has two facebook accounts. We met online, where his facebook made up the dating profile. I go back online and find he has another dating profile attached to the other account. Two dating profiles, two facebook accounts. It’s a little sketchy. We both said we were off online dating, and I believed him.

    Within a month of the ghosting, he has another girlfriend on facebook. It crushed me. They seem so happy and they have it all on facebook, something he never had with me. I already see that they have taken lots of trips and she’s even met his family. All the stuff he mentioned, he miraculously had time to do with her.

    Its crushing me. I tried to be the best girlfriend. Wanting to spend all my time with him, cooking for him, loving him, being understanding and supporting. I don’t understand what was wrong with me? And he loves this girl so much after two months. Makes me think he was talking to her for a while.

    I feel so bad. Like he found someone better. I’m so hurt by this. Crushed. What was wrong with me? I was not even worth a breakup.

    And he moves on and finds this amazing girl better than me? I’m educated, have a fantastic job, cute look, sweet personality.

    I feel so low right now.

    #775929 Reply
    Miss_A

    Hi – I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The timing seems suspicious. It’s possible he was with her all along and cheating on her with you. Either way, ghosting was a really awful move on his part. It’s not a reflection on you or your worth! Please stop telling yourself that. It’s perpetuating a painful cycle that’s only hurting you.

    Instead, tell yourself the truth: This is a man of poor character who doesn’t have the decency to end a relationship. He is a coward and maybe even a cheater. You now see his true colors, and he is not worthy of your time or heartache. I know it hurts, and that’s normal. But you’re hurting yourself even more, by this false narrative. ALL of the following statements are false:

    “I am worth nothing.”
    “I was not even worth a breakup.”
    “He found someone better.”
    “Something is wrong with me.”

    Your pain is valid; your grief is real; but those assumptions are all in your head, and they’re so wrong. You do not deserve to be treated this way. He is at fault, not you. I’m very sorry this happened to you. You deserve to be loved, and I hope you tell yourself that until you believe it.

    Please block all of his social media accounts so you aren’t tempted to look, block all contact with him, and most importantly, focus on loving yourself.

    #775931 Reply
    Raven

    This is all about what a crappy guy he is…

    #775934 Reply
    HS

    this man is an assclown. i’m sure you’re very hurt. anyone would be. but in the end, be thankfull for his disappearance. you’re better off without such an idiot

    #775942 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    You’re the same OP from the “Broken Down, Defeated, and on the Edge of a Breakdown” thread, right?

    You got some really good advice on that thread.

    As other posters here have already said, your ex’s behavior is all about him, not you. It’s completely sh!tty what he did, but it says everything about him and nothing about you. I know it’s hard not to personalize it, but you have to look at it that way. Try to change the narrative and focus on his poor character; don’t make it about you being defective (which you’re not!). It’s normal to be hurt, angry, and disappointed in this situation, but you should be angry at what an a$$hole he is, not turning that grief and disappointment on yourself.

    Just think, if he did this to you, he’ll do this to her, too.

    Posters in the other thread commented about what you have been going through (which you wrote about in the other thread), and suggested that you stop dating temporarily and work on your stress and self-esteem. I agree with that advice. You mentioned in the other thread that you’re seeking therapy and that’s great. I find that if we are not in a good place mentally when dating, we don’t attract healthy men. You need to know your worth and see your value.

    In addition to therapy I’d suggest finding other, non-dating activities to focus on– take a class, start exercising (regular exercise helps me with stress so much!), start volunteering, start a new hobby. Anything that interests you and is enjoyable for you. Just take it day by day. It’s difficult and I really do sympathize with you.

    #775944 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Sorry I had one more comment, about the Facebook thing.

    He’s been with this woman 2 months and he’s already plastering her on his FB and introducing her to his family, etc? I would question that too. I know it hurt that he didn’t do it with you, but it seems like it’s moving awfully fast. I feel like it never ends well when people make a huge public performance out of their relationship.

    In my experience, many times when people are projecting their “perfect” relationship over social media, it’s because the relationship has issues. Trust me, I have seen so many “perfect” social media relationships crash and burn in real life. You only see what they’re *presenting*. You don’t know the reality. But I agree with the advice that you should just block him, block her, block everything– don’t torture yourself by looking at it because it just reinforces the narrative you have in your head.

    And if he WAS seeing her & developing a relationship while he was seeing you, then he’s an extra sh!tty person! And he’ll most likely do the same thing to her he did to you!

    #775945 Reply
    tammy

    why are you still following him on social media? this is really not about your worth. its about his. he didn’t have the guts to tell you frankly that this was not working for him. so he took the easy way out and ghosted you. he dint tell you that he was most probably two timing you. who knows what other things he dint tell you. please don’t let this affect your confidence and self esteem. if he was a decent human being who genuinely cared for you he would not have done what he did to you. I think you need to realise what a scumbag coward he is. pls block his nos and all his profiles on social media. it will be difficult initially and you may be tempted and curious but a clean break is going to work wonders for you. try and focus ahead. rebuilding your life. hanging out with genuine friends and family members. pls understand that no one would do this to a woman he was really serious about. which means he was probably not sincere right from the start. good riddance. your better off without him.

    #775953 Reply
    K

    Everyone feels bad during and after a break-up, particularly one they didn’t see coming. That’s normal.

    But you’ve made this guy into your whole world so unfortunately you’ve gotten codependent. That’s the real issue here. You are severely disconnected from yourself.

    Do you want to tackle that, or do you just want to have a pity party? Because as LIzLemon points out you’ve already posted as Broken Down Depressed Etc and gotten great advice.

    This guy is a liar and a cheat. And his crappy choices are no reflection on you. We can tell you that all day long but it doesn’t seem you’re going to hear it.

    You need more therapy than this site can give and I really hope you will seek out a professional to help you get through this and find yourself again.

    #775956 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    In the other thread you posted about this, you said that you & this guy spent a weekend right before Christmas together, exchanged Christmas gifts, and then he ghosted you right after the holidays and got with another woman within a month.

    So all of this happened 10 months ago? And you’re still this messed up over it?

    I think K’s comment about codependency and disconnection from yourself, is very true. Please seek out help and follow the advice given to you on this and the other thread.

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