Move in or continue long distance?


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This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Kelly 6 days, 22 hours ago.

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  • #756788 Reply

    Cara

    My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half- that whole time has been comprised of long distance. We now have the opportunity to move in together, as we had planned a year ago.

    My lease was up in April but I found a new place to sublet a room in until the end of July when his lease would be ending. I quit my job, have been looking for jobs near him, had several interviews, a couple of job offers, gotten a storage unit, and started looking at places.

    Recently, he told me he was not ready to move in together and ended up signing a new lease with his current roommate. I now will soon be left without a job and no place to live. I am frustrated but understand that there is a lot of pressure on moving in together.

    I am from the Midwest originally and he is out on the East coast. I could go home and find a new job and have a place to live, but we both agreed that we don’t want to continue doing distance. Our options are now breakup, continue doing distance and stay together, I can move in with him and his roommate, or he could break his lease and we could find a new place together.

    I have about three weeks left in my lease and very little time to make a decision. What should we do? What makes sense? We love each other and want to be together, but he is not ready to move in with me and feels a lot of pressure with keeping me happy in a new city after all the sacrifices I have made. We both used to be excited about the idea! But now that it is here, and has passed, he is having feelings of uncertainty.

    #756793 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    How did you two meet?

    To be honest, I would really hesitate to have someone move in with me from a LDR, that I had never had a local relationship with. Seeing a partner regularly (like every week), spending weekends together, but still having independent lives, etc– that gives you a much better perspective on someone’s personality than LDR. If your entire relationship has been LDR, then you don’t really know each other, I’m sorry to say. And I have done LDR, believe me. It’s never the same in real life as it is with LDR.

    I totally understand where your boyfriend is coming from. I’m not sure what to tell you. Would you be willing to get a studio apartment near him and move there, work, and make a life for yourself while continuing to be in a relationship with him at the same time? That’s honestly what I would recommend in this situation. If you have never even lived in proximity to each other, and been together as a normal/non-LDR relationship, then jumping into living together is HUGE jump. I’m not sure if what is financially feasible for you but it seems like the best option to me.

    I definitely would not pressure him to break his lease and move in with you. He’s telling you outright that he is not comfortable doing that. I don’t think that will end well, if you try to force him into cohabitation. Has he talked about breaking up, or having you move in with him and his roommate? What has he said about this?

    #756802 Reply

    peggy

    Hi Cara-another option,like Liz mentioned,is to move there and get your own place,find a job. However,before I did that I would ask him to be brutally honest about his position. Is he “on his way out” but trying to “let you down easy” or does he truly think more time will make him ready. If he says “time”-then how much?

    I just moved, ( and moved my business) about 6 months ago to a new city, because my guy of 2.5 years lives here. We planned this over a year ago. My business was stuck in a lease or I would have moved sooner. Our long distance was a 90 minute drive one way. He drove to me most of the time because I had to work in my business. We saw each other every weekend-In all the time since we met,we never missed one,except a couple when he was in hospital. ( I came as often as I could when he was sick)

    Are you both young? How far is the distance and how often do you see each other? I bet he was thinking about changing his mind,not feeling ready,for awhile before you “gave up your life”. I would be angry with him that he did not discuss his doubts sooner.. If you have not spent much time together then I can imagine some hesitation; but in general,with the info you gave, I think he is doing a “slow bail”. In fact,he should have said-“sorry,not quite ready for living with you,but I found some apartments,job leads etc. for you”. The fact that he just left you hanging to figure this out ( a problem he created) does not impress me. I think unless he makes it clear he wants you to come there and continue the relationship,with an eye to moving in when the lease is up,I would just break up with him. Sorry, and sorry you are in this limbo.

    #756803 Reply

    peggy

    Oh,and I would NOT move in with him and a room-mate-NO to that!

    #756811 Reply

    Sarah

    Has he elaborated on WHY he’s not “not ready” after a year and a half together? If he has, would you please share what he said? If not, you need to ask him and get down to brass tacks here before you go any further.

    This puts a lot on you. I agree with @Peggy, I wouldn’t move in with him and a roommate. I agree with @Liz, best solution is to get your own place near him… AFTER you make absolutely sure he isn’t wanting to break up and it’s clear what it will take for him to be willing to move in with you.

    #756812 Reply

    Kat

    Liz,

    We actually met in the Midwest- he lived there for 2 years, I am originally from there (but live in CT now). I was home for a business trip. We did distance and then he moved to NYC for work. So we’ve done 1500 miles of distance, and we’ve done 70 miles of distance. We do see each other regularly since hes been in NYC (11 months). At least once during the week and on weekend.

    We both agree that we don’t wanna break up. It’s just bad timing and a bad situation. I finished graduate school in May and have been looking for career opportunities since. He has said that moving in with him and his roommate would be less pressure, but it’s not 100% ideal. We talked about me getting my own place, but its expensive! And if I’m relocating entirely to a city where he is to be closer to him, I don’t want to live alone.

    #756815 Reply

    Kat

    Hi Sarah,

    He said he hasn’t felt entirely ready because of the pressure he feels. I’ve sacrificed so much and would be in a new city where I don’t know too many people, its very expensive, I would be starting a new job, having to adjust entirely, and he says that it is a lot of pressure to make me happy and it’s risky. I agree with him to an extent, but with our circumstances (read my response to Liz), it’s what we need to do in order to grow our relationship.

    #756816 Reply

    Warasen

    Don’t move to be with him. Move only if you want to love in this new city, expect that he won’t be around much longer. He sounds inconsiderate, if he knew what you were doing then just flipped the script on you. This guy sounds like he’s not worth you making big life changes for.

    In fact I suggest you just break it off with him, even if you move to the same city.

    #756817 Reply

    Kat

    Hi Peggy,

    I appreciate your response and advice! If you read my response to Liz, you would see that you and I have been in similar situations (distance about 1.5 hours away- we take the train to each other and I sometimes drive into the city). He definitely is not on his way out. He doesn’t want to be in the city for more than a year, and we would both like to relocate back to the Midwest eventually to settle down.

    I am 25 and he is 30. So in a sense, I am young haha. Like you said, I am extremely angry that he put me in this predicament. It would have been different if he had been supportive and helped me look for jobs this past month and studios that I could afford and be comfortable in. He would prefer for me to be there, so we could develop our relationship in the same city for once, and has suggested that I live alone, as well. I feel like if i lived alone it would be a lot of financial pressure and he would just end up staying with me most nights anyways..

    #756819 Reply

    peggy

    I still say- Your “it is bad timing and bad situation” is B.S. You went all in ( gave up your place/job) etc. and he weaseled back on the deal and signed a lease!. I still think you both have spent enough time together that he should be ready. How long is the lease? if it is less than a year and you want to keep this relationship up,I would stay where you are or find a job/place in a mid western city that you can afford/ would like to live in and move there. Then,if it does not work out-you will be in a “good place”. Or if it does work out-he can join you .
    The thing is,I really don’t understand his hesitation or the “pressure” thing. Making you happy is pressure?! He is either unsure of the relationship/future with you specifically or he has commitment issues. I agree with Warasen on this. Good luck,but honestly I would think long and hard about a guy that goes back on promises without a reason that makes sense, and leaves you in the lurch.

    #756824 Reply

    Fiona

    So when is he NOT going to feel “pressure”?

    He’s covering his butt pretty well in this situation… and leaving you holding the bag. I know you love him, I know you don’t want to break up, but you need to step back and look at how this is going and what information you’re getting about him.

    It’s not the end of the world if he doesn’t feel comfortable moving in with you right now, things change… and you don’t want him doing it unwillingly. It’s a big step.

    At the same time, he went off and signed a lease with the roommate without discussing and isn’t being terribly helpful. Yellow flags all over the place. Especially since you’re both young.

    Act like a lady, think like a man is really good advice in this situation.

    #756825 Reply

    peggy

    Also, if you were both 25-okay..but he is 30…

    #756826 Reply

    Raven

    So…
    He waited until after you gave up your job, apartment, etc- To tell you he wasn’t ready?!

    Sounds like a great guy- not.

    #756830 Reply

    Dangerouse

    You may want to accept that you can’t afford to move close to him.

    Therefore you can either move in with him and the roommate, or back home.

    It would be a huge waste of money and stressful to try to afford NYC

    My opinion is, better to live apart, knowing someday you will be married and looking back, than to invade and deal with a roommate.

    Go home. He will finish in NYC, propose, and come back to the midwest

    #756834 Reply

    Lane

    Ouch!!! I would not only be livid but it would be grounds for a break up!

    I would not move in with this man, at least at this juncture. I can imagine the pressure was based on fear of not knowing how long it would take you to get a job and him possibly having to support the two of you in a very expensive city. He felt secure with the roommate but less secure with your jobless situation which is understandable However that’s a discussion the both of you should have had and maybe stayed with him and roomie before the lease was up and secure a job to lessen that pressure at least a couple months before before his lease was up.

    Honesty it does t sound like either of you planned this very well and put the cart before the horse so to speak. Maybe you could get a roomshare near him and next time have a better plan in place before you pull the trigger.

    #756837 Reply

    Kelly

    I wouldn’t trust him any longer. To have let you do all that and then tell you he signed another lease with the roommate as he doesn’t want to move in… is underhanded and inconsiderate.

    And you’re wrong when you say that him breaking his lease to move in with you is an option. He won’t do it.

    He’s doing his life for his best interest. You need to do yours the same way.

    1.5 hours away NYC/CT isn’t that horribly far and shouldn’t be a deal breaker. You can keep driving or taking trains to be with each other. Stay where you are, or go to the Midwest and let him join you there eventually.

    This is a pretty weak excuse to not do what you two had freely planned together for a long time, coming a day late and a dollar short. I’d tread very carefully and be willing to walk away. Don’t compromise yourself. He’s not all that. He needs to earn your trust back. I have a sneaking feeling he’s not all in but isn’t ready to end it completely… for the time being. This just feels a little icky.

    At some point he’s going to have to step up and take some risks and not be such a snowflake.

    Your guard should be up.

    @Lane, obviously you dont’ know how much it costs to live in NYC. Even a roomshare is ridiculously costly. The tiniest apartment can be several thousand dollars a month. She could go live in Brooklyn or Queens (I’m assuming he’s in Manhattan) but it will be just as long a commute as CT or close. NYC is ridiculously costly and if she doesn’t have a job that’s a problem.

    #756838 Reply

    Kelly

    Not to mention in NYC it’s common to require first and last month’s rent plus deposit upfront.

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