Money talk


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Lane 1 month ago.

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  • #773297 Reply

    Melrose

    Hi ladies,

    I’m wondering how you manage money and finance with your partner?

    My partner and I are both in our early 40s. We’ve both had a failed marriage so neither of us are interested in getting married again. We’re happy living together and have bought a house jointly. I paid more deposit than him and he is currently paying more mortgage than me so eventually we’ll have equal share of the house by the time it’s paid off. We both work so we manage our own income. Our money is not mixed which is fine. The problem is his spending habits getting on my nerves sometimes. For example, he often orders Uber eats, or eating out, Spending over $100 a day on food and drinks is normal for him, whereas I am always careful with money, I budget and try to save up. I bring my own lunch to work and cook at home. Basically every time when I see him wasting money on food and drinks I get very annoyed. I know it’s his money, but still…

    Is this my problem? I expect to get some backlash here… just need honest opinions….

    #773299 Reply

    hs

    Difficult question

    i guess it’s his money and he’s allowed to spend it as he sees fit, AS LONG AS he’s saving enought towards his retirment

    Clearly having bought a home together means you’re both in this in the long run. So i can fully understand how it would be completely annoying to date a man who spends all his money on luxuries and nothing on saving for a rainy day or retirement, because then you’ll be left holding the buck

    if however he does that, saves sufficiently for a rainy day and retirment, then with the rest he can do as he pleases

    #773308 Reply

    Anderson

    I admire people who aren’t reckless or wasteful with their money, food, or anything really. I’m the same way. I actually enjoy it but I know it’s important to realize that living the samw way can be stressful for others.

    No backlash because you haven’t been controlling or mothering him. How you go about it with him is key. Hopefully he is receptive to constructive criticism. And he appreciates suggestions/improvements to himself. But there really are no alternatives to places like Ubereats.

    @hs’ retirement point is a good angle. But if he is saving enough I feel this may just be something you’ll have to get used to

    #773309 Reply

    Lane

    All I’m going to say is that there’s nothing you can do to control it, even if your married. I spent 20+ years trying to control my (now ex) husbands spending habits, and it was a constant battle! He knew I was better at $ so he gave me that role when we married but I had to come up with all kinds of methods and ways to keep his spending in check.

    When he bounced our first check from our joint account, buying a exercise bike without discussing it with me (only used it twice btw), it spurred me to open up his own account, and gave him a stipend (allowance) with his own debit card so he couldn’t touch the household account.

    Then he opened up a credit card without my knowledge! I had to put a monetary block on it so he wouldn’t spend beyond a certain limit.

    Then he took out a loan behind my back because he said he didn’t have enough money! Seriously, he had $1000 a month in f’off $$ as I paid ALL the bills, and he was still broke!

    I swore I would NEVER EVER get with a man like this again! Its a compulsion they have, as my younger son is the same way my ex husband is, and my oldest son is fiscally conservative like me. I feel sorry for the wife who has to deal with my younger son, if she’s a spender too, they are royally screwed.

    I would suggest you open a ‘joint household account’ (don’t give him a card, checks or access to it) then have him put in a certain amount to cover current costs and future repairs, such as mortgage, utilities + 100 maintenance, or your going to be the one forking out a lot of those costs if he’s always broke and you need a new water heater. You can try to get him to open up a retirement saving account such as a ROTH IRA, Treasury bonds, etc. and have him set up an automatic payment method, such as $50 per month or payday; that way he doesn’t have easy access to it like he would a savings account if he’s willing to do it. Like they say “you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” meaning you can TRY but he’s ultimately going to decide how is money is used or controlled. Good luck!!!

    #773310 Reply

    Tallspicy

    He is not going to change, so you need to decide in or out. He could just as easily say you are stingy and are not generous in enjoying experiences. Yep, your frugalness could be seen poorly. My guess is he buys food for you.

    Neither of you is right. I suggest asking about his retirement and assuming that is taken care of (first share how you manage retirement), let it be and enjoy man who likes a night out.

    Or better – how about you make lunch during the week for both of you and cook a night or two and he pays for date night. That way you both get to be yourselves and it works for both of you….,

    #773313 Reply

    Anderson

    Respect for even trying, @Lane. I fear I would too readily give up on an adult partner who needed _that much_ babysitting on their spending/saving habits.

    #773329 Reply

    Lane

    Lol Anderson. If I had known how much babysitting I was going to have to do I would have said ‘screw this!” Hard lesson learned and not one I will have to learn again :o)

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