Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Mixed Signals from Ex.
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M.
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M
Ok. So my ex and I have been back in contact for all of 3 days and he’s already running hot and cold. He’s suggested working out together and meeting up. Yesterday, he even suggested buying tickets for a future event. He’s sending me the links and pictures and such. Within 5 minutes, he says to me, “BUT we probably shouldn’t go together…”. I’m thinking to myself WHAT JUST HAPPENED? I ask him why he’d suggest going together if he thought it was a bad idea. He replies “IDK… I’m bi polar. I’m sorry”. He then says, “I just want to chat and be friends. Keep in mind, this is the day after he says we should be workout buddies. Lol. I don’t think he’s really bi polar. But clearly mixed signals there.
I actually do want to reconcile. But I’ve been too available to him and this is not the 1st time he’s done this to me (ie let’s be friends, things get going again, then they end abruptly). Clearly he’s just not invested in this anymore. I get it. I love him, but I’m over the on and off stuff.I went with a non emotional response.
“I like you, but this dynamic where we start things up again and then they go away and then we start them up again… it’s become boring to me. Like it’s no longer interesting. If this is how it’s going to be again, let’s just not bother with this”.I think that shows my standards, but also gives him the chance to either step up and show real investment or make him go away.
Part of me is now questioning if that was the right thing to say. I know his ego is bruised based on what I’m seeing since. I could have said “ok… let’s be friends”, but that would be disingenuous and show that I’m ok with hot/cold behavior. I feel as if though drawing back is the only way to end this on/off dynamic.
Any input?
peggy
Hi- This guy does not want to date you by the sound of things and you do not want to be just friends. I doubt he will “step up” or if he does,he will pull the same crap again. I would not contact him again. Chances are he will not contact you,but if he does I would tell him you have decided things are not going to work between the two of you. Then wish him well and move on.
Newbie
I think trying a guy to step up will always be a bad idea. In this case by pretending youre bored with it. Its doing yourself a disservice because you are already entertaining this guy again after you broke up 3 days ago. And by entertaining i mean responding. This guy is not hot and cold. He is luke warm and not interested in a relationship. Companionship maybe but that wont get you anywhere long term. I think ypu need to cut this guy out of your life and start with going no contact for 3 months
M
We did not break up 3 days ago. We’ve been talking for 3 days after a no contact period. The problem is that it’s happened multiple times. So yes, I have been too available. Yes, I could ignored him this time around, but I didn’t. I did try to nip in the bud as soon as I saw what was happening.
Kathy
Why 3 months Newbie?
Newbie
Ok about the 3 days but still think you need to go silent again. Kathy: 3 months because i think in this case 1 month isnt enough to break the spell of this guy.
And M why dont you become less available with the intention of never becoming available again for him. You seem to think that if you get this guy to chase you, you will get the guy. I think he might chase but a hot and cold guy is never the right one. No right guy for you would view you as easy or anything. He would just be happy to be with youM
I think a hot/cold guy can become invested if he realizes can lose a girl once and for all. We were in a committed, invested, loving this relationship before. The problem has been the times since where we start talking, doing things again, but then it ends… we don’t talk for a couple months and it starts right back over. I agree that a longer no contact is in order and that I need to move forward.
Newbie
But the problem in this scenario is that he is not losing you at all. Youre doing the opposite, creating scenario’s where he goes all in. I do believe you that a guy can change, i even believe your message was the best you could come up with, but i still dont believe it will work. You moving on and him showing up again Yeah 100% likely. Alloy yourself some other guys by now. He is not your bf
Newbie
If you would go do things for yourself you would have a higher change of getting him. Guys like independent women
M
Totally agree! I have tons of options. Time to get out there. Thank you. ♡
Raven
He is an X for a very good reason!
T from NY
There are no mixed signals with a new guy or an ex. If you don’t know what a guys intentions are with you – it means he’s not (enough) into you. Hard stop.
A guy once told me-
If you have to ask or wonder – the answer is always really ‘no’.M
I disagree. I think the head and heart can tell you 2 different things, which results in mixed signals.
That is not necessarily the case this time. But he’s come back for all different reasons… because he was lonely, because he still wanted to give it another shot, etc. Obviously, the common thread is that I’ve welcomed him EVERY time, which has devalued myself.
I think my response was strong. Whether I should have said no or ignored all together, I don’t know. What’s done is done. But I think my statement is doing what it needs to do at the present moment and is better than outright agreeing to friendship or showing emotion. I agree that he’s “not into me” right now”, but the only way he would ever be serious about me again is if I show that I’m moving on. I have not reached back out, nor do I plan to. I am going to start meeting people, going on dates and moving forward.
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