This topic contains 29 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Not the real Lily Collins 1 month ago.
September 23, 2020 at 7:30 am #814513
I’m in an odd situation with a guy I’ve been talking to since May ‘19. He lives in Bulgaria but is trying to get a green card to move to the US. If he’s been honest about who he is, we are highly compatible, almost perfectly so (I have not seen any hard evidence of deception).
He has called me his “soulmate” several times (I don’t necessarily believe in this concept of only one person meant for us and, if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason, we’re destined to be alone forever) and has said “of course” we will be together when he moves but, other times, I’ve gotten a “maybe” out of the guy.
I am 32 now and sick and tired of being alone. I crave an emotional connection and want him to be it for me — or *a* one, at least. I worry there’s something wrong with me that makes me unworthy of the love I seek. I worry I’m too awkward, unattractive, not sociable enough, et cetera. He also never, ever “likes” or comments on my FB content, which leads me to believe he’s hiding me though, as previously stated, I’ve found no hard evidence of deception.
Before anyone makes assumptions, we have video chatted many times and he has never asked me for a dime, nor has he rushed into anything.
I’m very attracted to him and would even consider moving there if I was convinced he loved me and really wanted me.
The most I’ve gotten out of him is that a song I shared made him “feel pure love” for me but he’s never actually said the “l” word to me. I understand that, since we have never met in person, it’s not exactly fair to expect him to fall in love with me, but then why give mixed signals? When he calls me “baby”, asks how I’m doing and stuff like that, it gives me hope.
I fear I am just not good enough — he’d be yet another guy who didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I fear he’ll move here and want to be with someone else.
I’ve cried a fair amount, silly as it is.
I know the mixed messages are most likely bad news but I’m still clinging on to a shred of hope he loves me and does think I’m enough.September 23, 2020 at 8:44 am #814526
since May 2019? I am sorry to say this but what is stopping you from flying there, I know now it is the virus, but last year?
He is from Bulgaria he can visit anytime he wants, he only needs visa which he can get for up to 6 months, by applying online and going to US embassy in his country, I believe it costs about 100 dollars, he will need a green card to stay permanently though.September 23, 2020 at 9:22 am #814533
You’ve never met this guy! You don’t know him. You have a fantasy built up in your head but that’s not reality. You can’t love someone you’ve never met, it’s not rational of you to want him to tell you that.
I’ll be honest, I think this guy is stringing you along and playing with your feelings, probably for an ego boost since he hasn’t asked you for money. Maybe he’s setting you up to eventually ask for marriage to get a green card, who knows.
I don’t see him as the issue here, though; YOU are the issue. Why on earth are you crying and pining over a man you’ve never met? You said “I’m very attracted to him and would even consider moving there if I was convinced he loved me and really wanted me”– this guy is a stranger! Don’t you see how ridiculous that sounds?
“I fear I am just not good enough — he’d be yet another guy who didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I fear he’ll move here and want to be with someone else.” I strongly recommend you seek therapy to deal with your feelings of inadequacy. It sounds like you have a history of having unreciprocated feelings with guys, perhaps you need to examine the kinds of guys you are going after. If you are emotionally unavailable (which it honestly sounds like you are), you will tend to be attracted to guys you can’t actually have– because it’s easier to idealize a man you can’t actually achieve a relationship with, than to deal with a real flesh and blood male with all his flaws. Read up on emotional unavailability in relationships and I think it will strike a chord. And please do seek therapy. And forget about this guy! Like I said, the guy is just a symbol of a deeper issue you have. Good luck and take care.September 23, 2020 at 6:57 pm #814657
Very few people who live in Europe would move to the US in the current situation. Him moving anytime soon isn’t all that realistic. Guys who live abroad should always activate alarms, since there is a pretty good chance they have a hidden agenda.
The real question here is why did you engage with him in the first place? Why not look for someone locally?September 23, 2020 at 10:11 pm #814672
First of all, I am sorry you are having a rough time. Being in a relationship period is a challenge, much less a long-distance one. Much of the previous replies seemed to focus on giving their opinion that you can’t love someone you have never touched, (I completely disagree), or questioning your judgement in a long-distance relationship in the first place.
First please know that there are many many relationships that start long distance and many are also successful. Why you chose to talk to someone that is not local is your business and really does not matter at all.
Lastly, I do see some flags, such as his reluctance to commit and express his love for you. But in a long-distance relationship that can make commitment more difficult.
And yes I was in a long-distance relationship that HAS worked out, AND I had many of the concerns that you do. It was hard and there were lots of challenges.
You question yourself a lot, and that’s normal. Try backing off if you can. Give him room to miss you and think about a life without you in it. I know that is difficult but you may find your answer by doing that
I do have a psychological background, but I am not a therapist; I am only giving my own personal advice. Good luck to you, I wish you the very best!September 24, 2020 at 1:22 am #814683
I don’t know how to reply to you all individually or if that is possible (not seeing how), so I will respond here instead.
1. I am also looking locally but I want this guy the most.
2. I engaged with him in the first place when he messaged me on a dating site — I had no idea he was living in Europe at first. I realize he may have a hidden agenda, such as using me for a green card and I point blank asked him about it early on and he said “no” to me. I am taking the risk he is lying, I know, but he hasn’t shown any red flags in this respect. I am very skeptical of everything he has said, since I am a skeptical person in general.
3. I totally get that, since I have never met him in person, it’s very risky to move there, but I am quite tempted regardless, though I highly doubt I’ll do it. I realize he could be completely different in person and I could be royally screwed if that were the case. I don’t think I can risk being trapped in a foreign country whose language I don’t speak with no means to support myself in the long run.
4. What’s stopping me from flying there? The current virus situation obviously but, besides that and fear, it kinda bugs me that I am the one who has to go there and I don’t see a point if we don’t have a future together anyway. He speaks near perfect English and is familiar with the US to at least some degree and knows our currency — I have NONE of those things for his country.September 24, 2020 at 4:00 am #814691
(Hi Niq – You haven’t missed anything! It’s not possible to respond to individual posts. Our forum software is a bit “simple” in that regard. A lot of posters simply say “@person”, like “@ANMStaff, that’s interesting, …”.)September 24, 2020 at 8:39 am #814703
Yes, long distance relationships are hard. I’ve had LDRs. And yes sometimes they do work out.
The OP is not in a relationship with this guy, though. He’s not her boyfriend. He doesn’t call her his girlfriend. He won’t even interact with her on social media. They aren’t making concrete plans to be together.
So she’s spent a year & a half pining over a guy who tells her “maybe” they’ll end up together one day. A guy who by her own admission has made zero effort to actually make a move to the USA happen. If he were seriously considering relocating to the USA, he would have made some kind of effort to visit before the virus hit. Or they would be planning a trip in the near future– travel restrictions are lifting and flights are actually cheaper than ever so now would be the time to plan to visit. They’ve been talking since the middle of last year!
So I stand by what I said before. This guy is playing games & the OP should question herself as to why she’s putting up with him.September 24, 2020 at 12:49 pm #814739
I agree ldr’s even ones that start online can work but This is a case of not much. I dont want to sound like a deputy downer but even as a etherer he is not giving you much or nay perspective and also not a whole lot of daily romantic love. I think T write a piece to Simone about why she is unavailable and liz is pointing at that here.
You think no one will love you and you cling on to this. But awkward can be dam cute. You have got to give living in the real world a try. And if you really feel unattractive watch YouTube vids about poise, make up etc. And start flirting with the butcher, the delivery guy, the cable guy. Find a reason to smile at a guy at least once a day and look in his eyes when you do it. I totally agree ewth liz you are living in fantasy land and just wasting wasting time. Get away from the keyboard and get outthere.September 25, 2020 at 1:33 am #814816
I believe it’s not about a person not being enough, but that the feeling is not good enough. Subtle difference… but important because thinking the former ends up being personal and needlessly shreds self esteem. You can meet great people who check every box and still not feel they’re relationship material.
I agree that awkward and shy girls are adorable. And being unsociable/introverted has actually become trendy lately. And I’m sure you’re a pretty lady. Come on now. Be kind to yourself :-)
Each detail that you’ve shared about him by itself isn’t a dealbreaker. But collectively I get a strong vibe he’s not serious. Why hasn’t he visited you yet? Even pre-covid? I get that meeting May 2019 doesn’t mean feelings instantly developed then too. But did he even want to visit before his green card gets approved? Has he done anything romantic at all? Or sent you anything? What makes you like him besides the compatibikity?
I respect men who don’t rush a woman. But there still needs to be an instinctive drive to move things forward. I’m not anti-LDR. Been in one myself. Even fell for the girl before meeting but I get it not everyone can. And while I try hard to not generalize other scenarios based on my experiences, I’m far from impressed by him and believe you need to stop prioritizing him at the very least.September 25, 2020 at 5:01 am #814835
Anderson, the thought that I am not enough for him (or anyone I want) breaks my heart. You said the feeling isn’t enough — it’s not me. I hope that is true but I am skeptical. I find myself wondering that, were I prettier, more independent, more sociable, were I lovable, were he in love with me, et cetera, would he have made a move by now?
He claims — or did at one time, anyway — he only makes $30.00 dollars a week, so it seems to boil down to a lack of funds and/or a getting a green card — if he is being honest, that is.
“Has he done anything romantic at all? Or sent you anything? What makes you like him besides the compatibility?”
He has not sent me anything, but I cannot blame him, since shipping alone can be monstrously expensive. He does, however, wish me a happy birthday, call me “baby”, has said that we could “move to Florida and live our best lives.”
He has agreed at some points that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me. He is usually the one who initiates contact — I don’t hardly ever do it first. I know all of this may be meaningless, however.
I am not sure he wanted to visit before the virus. What makes me like him besides the compatibility is his intelligence, accent and physical appearance. I am very attracted to him but he also makes me laugh.
Regarding certain things being red flags, such as not “liking” and commenting on my FB posts, I cannot say for sure it’s a red flag because, to be fair, I never see anything else he “likes” or comments on showing up in my Feed. This could be because Facebook doesn’t show you the “likes” and comments of your friends’ friends if you are not also friends with them but it could also be because he just doesn’t really “like” or comment on stuff often (I don’t see any public stuff he interacts with either).
Regarding the awkwardness, I don’t think I am awkward in a good or cute way — it’s more me making a fool out of myself. I am still haunted by embarrassing things I did years ago.September 25, 2020 at 7:31 am #814852
Niq, I think you need to change your mindset with this one and plant him firmly in the “friendzone.”
A man ‘in love’ will move mountains to be with her. A man who only makes $30 a week is doing nothing to improve his lot in life in order to show any lady he would make a great partner and why she should *choose him*, over all the others, because he’s doing everything in his power to woo you over!
This is the biggest missing element in all this. He’s had plenty of time to “DO something” such as save up some money to make a short visit to match his words but he has does nothing, nil, zilch, nada but throw out some flowery words because he knows you’ll keep eating them, like I’m sure he’s done and/or doing with others to pass time with.
Always follow the WORDS + ACTIONS = TRUTH formula with a man. When you do this you don’t have to wonder about what their true intentions (feelings) are because they say (tell you) and do it to the point YOU can trust their words have literal meaning. Without meaning (intent), you got nothing.September 25, 2020 at 9:04 am #814859
I have had 2 LDRS that involved guys in other countries, where visas/green cards were an issue. (I met and had relationships with the guys in person before they became LDRs, for the record). So I have some experience.
You don’t just “get a green card”. There are strict income requirements, for one thing. A lot of green cards are given to people who are either a. marrying US citizens, or b. sponsored by their employer (the company I work for gets green cards for non-US citizen who work for it, and I’m marginally involved in the paperwork for that). Others are given to people who have been living and working in the US a long time under a different visa status, and decided they wanted to finalize their citizenship status. But you don’t just “get a green card” as if it’s easy peasy.
Even for a tourist visa, you have to pay for an application (which I think is something like $180), and go in person for an interview at the US embassy in your home country. This is not to get married, this is just to visit as a tourist. I had a bf who had to deal with this, so I know a lot about it. You have to demonstrate that you have strong roots in your home country because the US govt does not want people coming to the US on tourist visas and not leaving. They look at your bank account info, whether you own property, whether you have a good job at home, whether you have strong family ties at home, etc. They are very aggressive in turning people down. My ex-bf was turned down several times, and had to reapply, before he managed to get a visa to come visit.
Given what you’ve said about this guy, that he earns $30/month, I can say with certainty that he would not qualify for a tourist visa. They would simply deny him because they’d consider him high-risk for staying in the US to work, since he can easily earn more in 1 day in the US than he earns in Bulgaria in a month.
And he most definitely would not qualify for a green card. The green card process is expensive, long and complicated and often requires attorneys (my company pays attorneys to handle the green card applications for its employees).
Sorry to be so pedantic, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s clear that this guy has never actually investigated anything about the green card process. And neither have you, OP. So he’s talking a lot of crap, and you’re just believing all the crap he’s feeding you. If he were actually serious about coming to the US, he would know all of this.
I’m sorry for what you wrote about not feeling that you are enough. That’s why I really strongly encourage you to get therapy. To me, this situation is not about this guy, it’s about your feelings of inadequacy. I’m sorry that your standards for yourself are so low that you think this guy has feelings for you because he says “happy birthday”, calls you “baby”, and says you will “move to Florida and live your best lives” (when he clearly knows nothing about the immigration process). His words are meaningless. You deserve a guy who will ACT, and who wants to be with you.September 25, 2020 at 1:14 pm #814880
I also believe you would benefit from therapy. If youre haunted over things years ago. I never was very attractive and also felt insecure but still i could date guys. And a lot of people are even less attractive and happily married. You really should get over that because you are wasting really precious years on this Peter pan guy. Nothing he said stands out to me as him being serious about you. So he can be your feel good penpal but if you are interested in finding a long term partner you really need to chance your look on yourself and the way you conduct yourself. Its a shame. You dont even know if youre the cute awkward, you assume immediately youre the off putting kind because of things happened that probably all have long forgot but you. What a crappy way to live your life. You really deserve a whole lot better.
When it comes to this guy, there is no way he can come to you. So you will have to go. But if you would do it in spring as a holiday. If thats what it takes to get this guy out of your headSeptember 25, 2020 at 1:38 pm #814882
Lane: “A man ‘in love’ will move mountains to be with her. A man who only makes $30 a week is doing nothing to improve his lot in life in order to show any lady he would make a great partner and why she should *choose him*, over all the others, because he’s doing everything in his power to woo you over!
This is the biggest missing element in all this. He’s had plenty of time to “DO something” such as save up some money to make a short visit to match his words but he has does nothing, nil, zilch, nada but throw out some flowery words because he knows you’ll keep eating them, like I’m sure he’s done and/or doing with others to pass time with.”
I have not done anything to make it happen either. What is the difference? The onus should not be entirely on him.
Newbie: I think being haunted by embarrassing things I did long ago could be because of my Asperger’s — there is something called “Asperger’s flashbacks”.
Liz Lemon: I thought I made it clear above that I am skeptical of what he says.September 25, 2020 at 1:50 pm #814884
To respond to your last post: I would argue the onus IS on you because you come from a country where you don’t earn $30/month. You have more financial resources (I don’t know what your salary is, but I’m sure you don’t earn $30/month). So you are in a better position to travel. And you would not need a visa to travel to Bulgaria, assuming you are a US citizen. US passport holders can enter most countries without visas, there are very few exceptions. So yes, I think the onus IS on you to go to him, actually, if you want this to go anywhere. And again, I’m speaking as someone who was in 2 LDRs with people in other countries and I can tell you, in one of those LDRs I went to him a lot more than he came to me, because I had the financial resources and the passport that could go anywhere.
And you’re “skeptical” of him but my point is, you should be more than skeptical. He is not truthful, or realistic. I won’t say he’s a liar, but he is living in la-la-land at the very least. You should see him for what he is. Don’t just be skeptical of him– disbelieve him.
I see all of these things as reasons you are clinging to to not address your own issues, though. An emotionally healthy person in this situation would either see through his bullsh!t, or recognize the fact that the US citizen in these cases is pretty much always the person who has the ability and privilege to travel, and act accordingly. But I think you are using this situation to cling to your negative thought patterns and self image.September 25, 2020 at 1:58 pm #814886
Yeah it goes both ways but its easy to read a guys true intentions. If they want a woman they will go for it. A guy making 30 euro’s a week in bulgaria is a serious loser. Ik sorry to say. Yeah incomes are way lower but 30 euro’s is ridiculous. If he really really cant find a good paying job he can freely travel through europe and make around 1200 euro a month. Thats sort of the minimal wage here. So i dont know what his deal is, to me it sounds made up.
Did you tell him you have asperger? Did you tell any dates ij the past? I dont know a lot about it but in still 100 % sure the is a lit on your pan and it doesnt have to come from bulgaria. Do you have good friends? What do they advice you to do? Clearly i dont know you but you must have plenty of strenths you can enhance. You tried in this guy, so you can do itSeptember 25, 2020 at 2:09 pm #814889
Just an anecdote. In the netherlands we have television show called borderless in love where a dutch girl/guy would move to another country for love. And there was one episode about a really uptight neatfreak organised thirty something that fell in love with a kenian masaai. He herded sheep. And she moved and then she had to live in a shed sleeping on the floor. Her man, very african had a see it as it comes mentality. She was back home within a year. I also wondered in her case why no one told her this was not for her. Lol. Anyway this story has nothing to do with you except international relationships are hard and even more unlikely to stand out in its been onyl talk in over a year.September 25, 2020 at 4:53 pm #814911
“I have not done anything to make it happen either. What is the difference?”
The problem with this argument is that while it’s noble to be self-critical, it is misplaced, and should be reserved for when you’re in a committed relationship. Here you’re being hard on yourself and too understanding of him, all too prematurely. When you start cutting people slack during courtship, you increase your chances of ending up with the wrong person. Bad ideas are walking all around, and everyone meets them, but if you don’t have good enough standards to walk away from them when you need to, or let only your heart make all the decisions, you end up with the wrong person and eventually pay forit.
I too think that the US green card is a pipe dream. And that’s at the expense of your emotional well-being. Liz Lemon is spot on about the green card process. It’s rigorous enough for people who are in the US, and he is outside.September 25, 2020 at 5:03 pm #814913
Talk is cheap and costs nothing. You mentioned you’re tired of being single, and wanted an emotional connection. Unfortunately that’s precisely/only what you’re getting with him. Emotional connection is definitely important, but you need to have one foot on the other side i.e. practical aspects if you want to give a relatioship a realistic chance. Even if your feelings are strong enough to look past anything about someone, some stuff should never be ignored.
I agree that you should consider counseling if you can afford it. I tried it out of curiosity back in uni because it was free for students, and ended up learning I had stuff to work on and talk about. So I ended up having several sessions and it proved useful. Until you learn to love yourself and have good self-worth, I’d be worried about you being seriously involved with anyone.September 25, 2020 at 6:12 pm #814918
“I have not done anything to make it happen either. What is the difference? The onus should not be entirely on him.”
Ok, then go fly to see him and pay ALL the expenses to find out. What’s stopping you?September 25, 2020 at 7:37 pm #814924
He makes $30.00 a month?!September 26, 2020 at 1:19 am #814957
I agree you should just arrange to fly out and spend some time with him in Bulgaria to see if you’re compatible in person. At least you’ll have a better idea if he’s someone worth continued attention.September 26, 2020 at 5:02 am #814977
Sofia, I have considered doing that but worried about how it makes me look. I worry it makes me look desperate in his eyes, pathetic, et cetera. I also don’t think it’s right. I don’t speak the language, don’t know the currency and have no one there besides him so, if something goes wrong, I don’t know what I will do.
According to what I have read in the Female Dating Strategy subreddit, don’t ever travel to a man — that makes you look bad.
He, on the other hand, speaks near perfect English, knows US currency and has some familiarity with the US.September 26, 2020 at 5:03 am #814978
Sorry, everyone, but I realized I made an error. I meant to say that he makes $30.00 dollars a WEEK, not a month.