Lost in illusion? Older man ghosting …


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  • #791269 Reply
    Just me

    Dear all, I’ve recently found out about this forum and I’m very grateful for experiences you share and advices you give.

    The reason why I decided to post here is because few days ago, I decided to unfirend a man I’ve been secretly in love with for the last 4 years. Not sure whether it was love or perhaps just my wild imagination – wishful thinking, one might as well say I got lost in my very own illusion. But since I cry a lot, it must have been love, as that popular song goes.

    To make long story short, I met him 4 years ago while working on a project (we’re both in creative industries). We liked each other a lot, he aksed for my number. I knew he was about 15 years older and divorced. He told me he was divroced for 4 years, but I sensed it could not be that long, cause he sure did not seem at ease about it, so I’ve been extra careful, although open in communication, we talked like we knew each other for a long time, and there was certain warmth I felt around him. It was also the first time after 3 years of meeting different people and getting over my ex that I really liked a man and felt butterflies, not only mental connection. So we met for 3-4 coffees that spring. He made further promises – even to take me out to a concert on my birthday, which he suggested when we sat down for the first time together sfter that work, also mentioned going to seaside together etc., I was carefull, saying ‘maybe’ etc., it felt to soon – like he might be saying what I want to hear, or he might be needy – and I was sceptical inside; anyway, he failed fulfilling those plans. Actually, after a month he ghosted! It was a bitter birthday, still had that concert in my mind although I was elsewhere. Nothing ever happened between us, we talked and hugged. He tried to kiss me on a third date, but I was worried he is just looking for comfort, did nmot want to be a rebound girl or sth like that, plus we were also a bit drunk, so that’s why I was extra careful. Then after a month of ghosting, he called with lame excuse how his phone collapsed, I acted aloof, knew he could have found me on social media in the meantime but didn’t (instead, he wished happy birthday to an owner of a cafeteria where we sat 3 out of 4 times! and invited her for coffee over FB – knew her from the past, that I know, but not from him, he doesn’t even know I read that, but her wall is public); after texting for another date, he rescheduled twice – in the meantime, he did add me on FB, finally, and after that, I saw him liking photos of that woman – cafe owner – while she was on holidays!, and then upon his 2nd cancellation I just sent him cynical sms that it’s OK, we can wait until New Year’s eve for that coffe or sth like that. He reacted passive-agressive, sth like: sorry I have to work for a living, oops, which seemed really lame and to which I replied I’m also working, but it seems funny if it takes 2 months to grab another coffee … That’s where direct communication stopped. Saw him a month later just passing by, trying to wave, I just said hi and continued talking to a mutual friend from that project we had.

    Year after that (mind the time gap!) I received his call, might have been a mistake, he hung up almost immediately, and I only responded with txt next day, he immediately responded, so we met a week later, in a pub near my home, previously I told him I only have an hour for one drink and then have to go home cause I have to get up early, so that was it, perhaps he was still hopeful since it was five blocks from my apartment, but we drank a bear and said goodbye. Don’t know what he thought, anyway … We never talked about his disapperaing act, pretended it never happened, was a fun night, just talked and hugged, again. He did seem more OK with himself then when I first met him.

    And then we haven’t seen each other for at least a year and a half. I must admit I was thinking constantly about him, wanted to hear from him or bump into him or land on the same project again, but did not want to inciate contact after his ghosting. I did like some post on his FB as he did some of mine, we wished each other HB on FB and that was it.

    In last couple of years, I only saw him shortly, work related, 5 times for 5 minutes, in coffe breaks when I found myself in the same building where he works. There was no chance for anything more than small talk and after work, he did not text to see me.

    Then, all of a sudden, he called me 2 months ago, in the middle of March. He called to invite me over, said he would cook me a lunch and take me for a walk. He lives in contryside. Due to coronavirus situation and some local restrictions, he called half an hour before he was supposed to come and pick me up and cancelled it, which was logical. What bothered me in my mind was: where were you before the virus situation. He did mention that it is time to reflect who’s importnat to us. Then again, it did seem a perfect thing to say. Anyway, he continued calling me next 4 weeks. We talked usually near an hour, sometimes almost 2 hours. In between for some 3 to 5 days not. Which is why I assumed he is talking to other women, in between he was working, but not all the time, he also has a teenager from his marriage but I am not sure whether they met during this time. Checking his FB profile, I also found out that he reconnected with his ex wife – about a month before he started calling. And I did notice that around his child’s birtday, he posted a mellow song on his FB wall that could be understood as him missing her and family life. At the same time, he was posting a lot of funny stuff and there were many women commenting, including several female coworkers. His ex wife almost never reacts to his posts.

    So, even though since mid-april he wasn’t calling anymore (our last convo was most of the time him, revealing his complicated relationship with his parents and talking about past, also me talking about my past, but I didn’t go into uncuvering shadows, details, I don’t reveal much about other people over the phone (btw, he knows my mother as well, from work, from before me, way back, maybe that explains his sometimes cautious cat and mouse attitude, don’t know), but previously – in all other convos in general – he was very funnny, optimistic, caring, I think we wouldn’t be taling that much if we didnpt enjoy, once even saying how he would like to travel with me etc., but then revealed by accident that the place he would take me was a place where he took then-still-his future-wife-to be (?!) and after 2 weeks out of 4 of these convos suggesting we might take a walk somewhere where I live. Which I posponed cause of the coronavirus situation, again …

    Anyway, after not hearing from him for a month, he recently had birthday. I decided to txt him via mobile, since it wasn’t FB where we last talked but mobile. And – guess what – nada, zero, null. To event think I gave him an intro for further communication, but no …. Gone woth the wind or how should I say. He didn’t even say thank you. After 6 days of his non-reply, I unfriended him. I’m a bit sorry now, but I just didn’t know how to make a statement that he did hurt me, plus: I assumed I would be better without information about potential other candidates he might be happily calling while he started ignoring or perhaps even getting back to his ex (although it seems quite unrealistic). I would add some further details but I’m already quite long. I just … don’t know, did I do him injustice – cause he was calling me all the time these 4 weeks, only 2 times me, 20 times him, or maybe cause he did open up more in these conversations … Or was he (again?) just checking if he can still get me … or wanted some casual situation. However, considering all the facts, I do believe he could have said at least thank you. I just can’t believe he could have been a complete fake. When I remember how bad it was when he saw my disappointment after he ghosted for the 1st time, I would swear he would never do that again. Also, after unfriending him, I clicked on a profile of his female coworker that was quite active beneath his posts lately, and 2 days ago he ‘adored’ one of her posts (work related and also that-location-from his-past-trip-with-his-then-still-future-wife-to-be related! Excuse me, khm, what?) … So – he might just be playing the filed all this time, contacting many of us or what? Is this some f***d up game of proving himself to himself (that he is still wanted, even among younger women)?

    I would appreciate your comments. I shouldn’t have, but I did cry lately and I just want to get thing clear, only see a tree but not a forest. Thanks ….

    #791288 Reply
    Lane

    You know this fantasy with this guy is holding you back. I would disconnect from him permanently, block all avenues so you can get over this unrequited love problem you have. Like they say “out of sight, out of mind”…time to get him out of both.

    #791297 Reply
    Just me

    Than you very much for your thoughts on this, Lane … Deep down I know that I have to let him go. I recognize that between the words I wrote here. And I know that love shouldn’t divide and there should be no questions where he went, will he come back.
    But, it’s not that easy, since he gave me hope again. So … As someone else said in another topic on this forum: it aches to just cut someone out, because it’s someone I cared for so much, for so long. I sometimes feel like it was the right thing or that at least he will guess why I did even if it was too harsh, but later it suddenly feels completely wrong and awful, I feel a constant a pain in my stomach, lost apetite. You see, I did unfirend him to protect myself from pain, knowing I should move on. But I only did it because I didn’t want to initiate a talk about his disappearing acts, words, (half-)promises … I tried to avoid drama but maybe caused it. Unfriending is keeping quiet about your pain, even though I would like to talk. I am just very very sad because this might be my permament goodbye to him. I think I was also secretly hoping he would react, perhaps start communicating again. If he met someone new or went back to his ex, it would hurt me, seeing his social media activities, looking at his life without me in it after I imagined it. But it doesn’t feel as a relief. It feels like heavy grieving. I’m also anxious about his reaction (and mine) if I met him on the street tomorrow …

    #791299 Reply
    Newbie

    Im sorry to say but you are waisting your time on a colossal level if you have been pining over this guy for 4 years where nothing significant happened in those 4 years. Yeah maybe a few dates in those 4 years.
    Either you are emotionally unavailable yourself and therefore hiding in this made up fairy tale or;
    You dont know what real love feels and looks like.
    If you do want a solid relationship i think you could benefit from some counselling as to how to make yourself available. Im glad you unfriended this man, but i know if he calls you tomorrow, you will start to pine again. And see this man for who he is: he is playing the field and like ego strokes from girls like you. Please snap out of it

    #791304 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Maybe I’m paranoid but I’ve noticed a couple of posts where the person rambles on a lot, and uses “sth” as an abbreviation for “something”. I’ve never seen that before and had to look it up. The other post like this that comes to mind is by Loween about “why doesn’t he send me his photo?” Seems like it could be the same person from the style of writing and weird abbreviation. I’m not saying they’re fake posts necessarily (could be though, it’s certainly happened), but it seems like the same poster making multiple posts using different names. If that’s the case, OP, you should stick to one pseudonym when posting on this forum.

    #791305 Reply
    Just me

    English is actually not my maternal language, so I have to apologize If my writing is weird from time to time. I’ve been trying to tell as much as I can in my 1st post and when I realised I can’t summarize everything and the post is already very long, I did use several’sth’s instead of ‘something’. No, I don’t post in other topics, these are my first posts on this forum ever – I googled ghosting and landed here. And the story is real, as far out as it may sound.

    #791306 Reply
    Lo

    Hi Liz Lemon, I am so embarassed to see my name and my post mentioned. :) My post not fake. Sorry for any trouble.

    Hi Just me,
    I wish you can keep being strong and forget him. Treat yourself better, treat your heart and your eyes better because they feel painful when you are hurt because of him, right? And if you want something (sth) nice from him, I think you have higher chances to get it after ignoring him. But again, that something (sth) nice may not be the “true” one.
    Take care of yourself , be more beautiful and your true happiness is coming to you, normally out of expectation.

    #791307 Reply
    Just me

    Newbie, thanks for your thoughts on this. I’ve also been wondering if councelling might help because I do feel the feeling of grief is too heavy – I’ve really been expecting something to happen here, but it’s still to heavy, and you’re right, he gave me almost no reason. I read somewhere and my friend said the same to me when he ghosted fot the 1st time: that what he has is just some crumbs. Like you said, I really need to snap out of it, the bitternes of time waisted on colossal level, as you pointed out, is very real and I think this realization will help me get over this … whatever this was.

    #791308 Reply
    Just me

    Hi Lo,

    thank you for your thoughts on this. To be frank, I don’t know where I picked ‘sth’ up, must have been long ago cause I do use it quite often when writing informal. Anyway, I’m glad we cleared that up, and good to see there’s somebody (sbd) else here knowing the same shortened forms. :) Your words are soothing. You see, even though I needed a slap in the face to wake me up – which is exactly why I posted here in the 1st place, cause I sensed the whole thing is way out of proportion – it is good to read about self care and come back to that. You put it nicely: ‘happiness is coming, normally out of expectation’, which is exactly what life brings us each time and that, despite these bitter times, makes me hopeful …

    #791310 Reply
    kaye

    I want you to look back on this 4 years you’ve spent crushing on this guy and pining over him and tell me did he ever do even ONE significant thing to make you believe he wanted to date your or wanted a relationship with you? Because if he did I don’t see it in any of your post. I get that you met for coffee a few times, and he talked about taking you to a concert for your birthday but that never happened. You were never physical except for a hug here and there and one drunken kiss. Then he disappeared for a month and came back with a lame my phone was broken excuse. And as you could see he invited other women out for coffee over FB. Then he asks you out again but reschedules on you twice and you get snarky about it taking 2 months to grab another coffee so he stops communication with you…for a YEAR!! 

    You meet at a pub for a drink for just an hour and that was it again for another year and a half. And in that time you’ve seen him for 5 minutes at work. Then lo and behold he gets bored during the Coronavirus locked down a couple months ago and invites you over only to cancel half an hour before. And he continues to make plans to see you and never follow through. I’m going to be extremely blunt with you. A man who is interested in you would be making an effort, missing you, pursuing you. This man only calls or contacts you when he’s bored and needs an ego stroke! No man who wants to be with you will left a YEAR or a YEAR AND A HALF pass in between coffees. Why? Because he could lose you to another man! But this guy doesn’t care.

    And by the way, coffee to me is not a date. This man didn’t take you on dates, he took you for coffee a few times and drinks another. If a man isn’t wanting to spend money on you or try to impress you he’s not interested in you romantically. But men still want companionship and to know there are women out there who want him. You waited WAY too long to delete him. You are living in a fantasy world with a man you barely know and it’s keeping you from meeting the right guy for you. You might want to consider counseling because this isn’t normal. You need to change your mindset and tell yourself you don’t want a man who doesn’t want you!!!

    #791311 Reply
    Just me

    Kaye, I don’t wanna defend him, but I do know he was very insecure after his mariage fell apart, it’s what you see in body language etc., and that he had no serious relationships from the time I met him. As far as I know, he was getting over his divorce all this time. He might have had FWB but that was never my thing – that’s why I avoided intimacy. Because yes, I wanted him to pursue me romantically. Or nothing. And each time he got away. This time, I thought he finally made up his mind, I didn’t wait for him, just did not meet so many interesting people. My intuition was that he was waiting for his ex to come back all this time. And that now, he finally made up his mind. I was wrong, obviously. It’s actually good we weren’t intimate, he might have just used me as a rebound or sth similar …

    As far as my past is concerned, my ex cheated on me so yeah, I am not very trustuful.

    Otherwise, you are perfectly right in everything you said and thanks for being blunt. He didn’t walk the talk. And it’s not normal, to hope for so long. I am aware.

    #791313 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Please please go to a therapist! 4 years with 3 dates means you have a lot of self work to do. This was 100% fantasy, and you chose it over meeting someone else, or even meeting your own value. And your biggest challenge…. guess what is the biggest predictor of future behavior? Past behavior. Absolutely nothing had actually changed, and you made up a story that he was more healed – and you took a pretty manipulative statement and believed it over actions. This man literally disappeared on you over and over and instead of paying attention and telling him to stuff it, you reached out. You are severely anxious attachment from what you describe. I am sorry you are in pain, but you can heal. Find an attachment specialist.

    #791309 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I didn’t say your post (or posts) were fake. In fact I specifically said I didn’t necessarily think they were fake.
    I said that if you are the same person making multiple posts but using different names, you should use a consistent name/pseudonym. That’s all.

    At any rate, the ANM forum moderator can see everyone’s IP address, and knows who is posting. So if it is the same person making different posts, pretending to be different people, and responding to their own posts pretending to be someone else– the moderator will know and call it out. It happens regularly. If it’s not the same person, then you have nothing to worry about.

    #791316 Reply
    ANM Staff
    Keymaster

    Whoops, ironically Liz’s post got caught-up in the moderation queue. That was my fault, sorry about that!

    But yes, I think all is well here, carry on. :)

    #791317 Reply
    Just me

    Tallspicy, thanks for posting. I am aware I need to change the way I perceive such relations. It always took lots of time for me to heal. Last time: 3 years for getting over a 1 year relationship. From that point of view, I kind of thought I might give this man the time he needed, since his relationship lasted more than 15 years.

    And since my ex, the one I was getting over 3 years, cheated on me, I noticed how I tend to be more intersted in older men when meeting new people. As if I’d think they are more interested in settling down, more mature, less interested in fooling around. I think this is why I was so attached to this idea. Perhaps that’s just my insecurities talking, don’t know. I am peerfectly fine living on my own, I never jumped from one relationship to another and I was never clingy. In fact, it’s what I didnpt like vibing from him (certain neediness and the fact he admitted he has to learn to live with himself anew).

    Liz Lemon, thanks, I know what IPs are and as you said, because I have nothing to worry about is why I keep on posting. :)

    #791320 Reply
    Newbie

    I would have taken the one night stand over 4 years of useless pining. That would mean i would have at least had one night of fun with this man.
    You really have problems with selfesteem. And by that i dont mean you dont control your live. But deep down you dont feel worthy of true love. And therefore got mixed up in this mess. You calculated he had a long term relationship so that was a good prospect. You pick older men because you think they are less picky (wrong assumption btw).
    This way of thinking and acting can mess up your life for the future if you dont fix it. Your friends warned you but you didnt listen. This means you have a lot of work to do. With a professional. Maybe cognitive behaviour therapy will suit you, where you train your brain to think different. I really hope you will and stay away from this man for good now.
    Btw i had a crush like yours a decade ago. Lasted years. Because i was too scared to look for real love. Well my work changed, so i didnt saw him anymore. He knew i fancied him so he took me out to diner once, gave me books. I hadnt seen him in over 4 years when i heard he died. I wasnt heartbroken. I realized i hadnt thought about him in years. I went to the funeral for his best friends and learned there he had a long term gf all along. Haha. Man what a waste of my time and energy

    #791321 Reply
    Just me

    Newbie, you got me there, you know, cause I thought of that too for a second when he ghosted now: maybe I should have let my guards down and at least enjoy one night with him, since there was strong chemistry between us – he smelled really good, so it always took me lots of self-control around him – I assumed it would probably be good. But, hey, I at least don’t feel used. I think I was really afraid of humiliation of that kind because of mutual friends from work environment.

    And I am sorry to hear about the sad man who passed away, the ending of your post totally shocked me. And yeah, got your point there, they can tell us anything and if you want to believe it, you will. I hope I won’t find out sth shocking in the end as well, I think I’ve had enough lies for a while.

    And thank you for mentioning cognitive behaviour therapy. I have never visited coouncelling, but for some time now, I know it would help cause I really want to be happy again. I think being a control freak is also one of my traits that kind of slows everything when meeting someone. And the rest of what you wrote, I do need to rethink.
    It’s true: I should have listened to my guts or at least my friends, it would have saved me so much time.

    #791330 Reply
    Newbie

    No youre missing the point. The fact he turned out to have a long term gf didnt shock me at all. I couldnt care less. That man had completely vanished im my memories. Thats what meaningless crushes do, they vanish since there are no real lasting memories

    #791326 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Got it, thanks moderator :-)

    #805772 Reply
    Just me

    Hi,

    3 months after posting here, I have another question.

    Next week, I might be seeing the man I’ve been telling you about. Work-related, posiibly two days in a row. I’m not 100% sure if he’s going to be there. I have no real updates on him since deleting him from my Facebook page in May and he also hasn’t contacted me since. Although he sure must have noticed I’m gone, I guess. I have to admit that I did sneak onto his profile couple of times (and it turns out it’s quite an addictive habit you have to get rid of very fast).

    The possibility of bumping into him makes me really nervous and I’ve already been thinking about this for the last couple of weeks now, since I was informed about the meeting. I guess I’m trying to prepare, protect myself. And I woke up twice in the morning and realized I was dreaming of him. So I guess this is an issue, still.

    The point is, I don’t know how to behave. I can’t really act as if nothing happened, right? I don’t want to act at all, of course. I’m afraid I might either be too cold – like punishing him – or that I might break the no contact rule ant act like everything’s fine if he’es going to be there, smiling. I also feel he might see me as a little bit immature for doing what I did.

    Just for the record, meanwhile I haven’t met anyone intersting that would keep me distracted, wasn’t socializing much this summer at all since the virus situation hasn’t really stopped yet. I stayed in contact with the closest people and that was it. Not to mention dating will not get any easier, but that’s another story.

    Otherwise, I’ve been working on myself, reading a lot, rethinking some stuff from the past, visualizing the future. I feel OK with what I did. And all this time I wasn’t dating at all – cause I feel this self-work is not done yet.

    I would be very grateful for any kind advice on how to face this ghost from the past …

    #805785 Reply
    T from NY

    The only reason this man is a ghost from your past or why you would have to ask advice about what you should do if you were to ever see him is because you have not done the work on yourSELF you need to do. Truly. Crushes you’ve had on men COMPLETELY lose their power over you when you love YOURSELF enough. When you are zealously committed to truth and authenticity. To forgiving yourself your own flaws and trust that the universe will provide for you. When you accept, TRULY accept the absolute knowledge that if a man wanted to be with you – he would be with you. Full stop. Who gives a hoot about a guy you were caught up on for years? We’ve all had crushes. We’ve all lived inside of our heads for a time. UNTIL we decide to grow. Accept life and reality. And not allow our heads to get turned or our stomachs to be flipped by things that.are.not.real. I wish that for you.

    I’ve had lots of therapy to get me there. I adopted a radical self love program and so can you. I read lots of Ask Polly online. Read only male dating coaches for a man’s perspective. Studied the different psychologies of how men date, communicate and fall in love. Exercise, meditation, facing traumas. I’m so far along in self love, that a relationship with a man will always be secondary to my own happiness. I wish that for you and every woman. Good luck

    #805798 Reply
    Newbie

    I would really take what T and tall said to heart. You are stil wasting your time. I understand its not that easy to get over something but you really should have gotten into a form of counselling. Because in the end you dont really believe you are worthy of real and true love and therefore sticking your head in the sand with this guy who deepdown you know has not given you any reason at all he wants something with you. Like i said before, i wasted half a life like that. And im happy now and i dont do regrets but in retrospect i would have done it differently. This guy at a workevent. Treat him profession if you run into him.

    #805907 Reply
    Angel

    Save yourself some heartache and be prepared to see him completely fine, aloof, neutral, indifferent, “professional” etc – as if nothing happened. Why can’t you behave the same? Remember, he does not see your interaction the way you do and is not feeling the crush the way you do. At the most, you are a fleeting and infrequent thought in his mind, all these years he has been reaching out only on his terms and when it suited him, and hasn’t stopped seeing or talking to other women throughout the time you’ve known him.

    Time to accept it and turn the focus onto yourself. For how long will you continue to give this guy so much power over yourself?

    #805990 Reply
    Just me

    T from NY: thank you and you’re right. I think the ‘forgiving myself my own flaws’ is the hardest. I tend to rewind many many situations in terms of ‘what if’ in my life, not only love-life.

    Newbie: tnak you and you’re right. Believing I am worthy of real and true love … Maybe I am not even aware I don’t believe that. This belief is something coming from the core, it lays in our on subconsciousness. I know many people who glide elegantnly through life without questioning themselves. Whereas I many times feel like I donp’t deserve something – getting promoted at work, for example. I know rerogramming core beliefs might take some time with professional. Frnakly, just the thought of it scares me a lot, although I know it would be for the best.

    Angel: thank you and you’re right. I don’t know why I give people so many benefits of doubt, it’s not just men. I should be setting healthy boundaries sooner in many relationships. I think this way I wouldn’ feel ashamed for deleting someone and thinking I did something wrong whereas he was the one who ghosted.

    I think I wouldnp be expecting anything, if the contact stopped, let’s say, last year. When we saw each other 5 imes for 5 minutes only.

    I think him calling me after several years, calling me 4 weeks almost every day, gave me hope again. All together we talked around 15 hours in thah month. I did not expect him to ghost again and I certainly didnpt expect him to become a problem. I also think part of me wants to believe he’s just so extremly confused that he doesnpt know what he’s doing. But whatever his reasons for changing his mind were, it might me sth I said, … I know I am wasting my time. I would advise you the same, as I would to any friend of mine. What a paradox that is, huh …

    #805991 Reply
    Just me

    Oh, and sorry for many typos in my last post.

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