long distance – bf moving in with a girl


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This topic contains 6 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Khadija 1 month ago.

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  • #717152 Reply

    sarah

    I have a very similar problem to Summer and her thread about boyfriend moving in with a female roommate.

    I’ve been with my bf for about 2 years, we’ve lived together for a year. He got an amazing job offer recently, in a great city, but in a different country. It’s completely out of question that he has to take the job. It’s an amazing opportunity for him, and very likely a milestone in his career. So I am proud of him and thrilled, although we will have to do long-distance (I cannot leave with him, I have a great job too.) It’s not very far away, we will be able to see each other often and we are planning to cut the distance asap (probably within a year we would be able to be together in the same place again).

    but you know, I have my worries about being long-distance… especially, that he will be moving in with this girl.

    it’s very difficult to find a place in this city, so it’s convenient for him. he has a female friend who lives there and she offered to rent a room to him. the problem is… well, frankly she is the problem.

    I hardly know her but I know that she writes a blog about dating, that is, about her dating life. and a lot of it is very sexual… I’m really not a prude, but I am sometimes a little disturbed about what she describes. parts of it read just like porn. to be honest, I was slightly uncomfortable even before, about my bf reading this (because it’s kind of impossible to read it without imagining her in all the sexual positions that she describes), but of course, he has a right to read whatever he pleases online and I thought it was not a big deal anyway. but now, they are moving in together… when we will be long-distance (so he’ll probably be craving sex).

    I trust him, he is not a cheating type. he is not a flirt. he is a shy, nice and serious man. I am more worried about her. as I said, I hardly know her, but she is obviously very sexual and based on her blog, not very slow with getting intimate… also, she has had relationships with taken men before.

    I should add, she is a very attractive, young woman.

    I’ve thought that there is nothing I can do… this is an opportunity for him, very convenient to move in with a friend. but Summer’s thread inspired me to ask a question – would I be justified in doing something about this? I don’t even know what exactly I could do… just wanted to vent a bit. do you have any thoughts?

    #717163 Reply

    Khadija

    What do you thin you can do about this?

    If you consider him to be a faithful guy then nothing she says or does can change that.

    No one can make us cheat, a cheater will cheat because they choose to. Please keep that in mind.

    I understand the uneasiness that you have but, just because she is attractive does not mean he is attracted to her.

    In your case I’m really not sure what you can do other than trust him, keep the communication open and consistent, and visit when you can.

    If he is the one then this is a test of your relationship because I’m sure she isn’t the only attractive woman in that area.

    #717170 Reply

    Jarcom

    If he wants to cheat on you with her or anyone, doesn’t matter where he is living, you won’t know anyway. He’ll be in another country. So you better trust him.

    #717180 Reply

    Emma

    Oh Gosh of course you are justified in doing something!

    Do not wait until this girl seduces him, he is a nice shy guy but he is a guy with a penis. Unattainable women are wanted harder, so he can develop a real desire for her while fighting the temptation and his sinful thoughts.

    One way to diffuse the attraction and desire is to bring it up in the open. Talk to him openly and say that the blog is very sexual that even you couldn’t help but visualized that girl in poses, sex and verbalize all that so that his thoughts do not become hidden, secret, desirous.

    Tell him that you are worried about the attraction because it is natural that any man would feel this attraction. Diffuse her appeal by making the situation standard. Bring it up to his attention that her history with taken men is not something you or any GF would appreciate.

    A lot of “romances” can be numbed right before they even have a chance to develop. If your guy is a decent guy, he is going to think hard before doing exactly what you said any dork would do.

    Hiding and pretending and not showing any concern is quite unnatural. What normal woman would be totally cool with her guy living with this slutty young sexy attractive blogger??

    Just be careful not to overdo it. Express your concern over losing him, over losing his feelings, his attractions, over having your relationships ruined, but do not nag and nag. If your guy is a decent man, like oyu said, then being vulnerable is going to help you.

    #717193 Reply

    L

    If it’s not Emma, you will be just fine.

    #717446 Reply

    sarah

    Thank you, all. This is what I keep telling myself, that I have no other option than to trust him and hope for the best. But being realistic, two attractive people, in a great city, same apartment… I don’t know. What Emma suggested, I have already done. He knows very well how I feel about this. He reassures me that nothing is going to happen, because he wouldn’t cheat on me and has no attraction to her. I think he finds my concerns almost funny – that’s how sure he is that no cheating is going to happen. I think he’s being a bit naive and doesn’t fully realize how difficult long-distance relationships may be and how easy it is to end up in bed with someone. But anyway, I guess there isn’t much I can do… Thanks again!

    #717449 Reply

    Khadija

    People don’t just fall into bed with someone. That is an active choice and not one that just happens.

    He has already addressed this with you so its time to trust him. The last thing you want to do is become insecure and accusatory. That will not bode well with a man who is faithful to you.

    Plus long distance is hard enough, don’t make it any harder.

    My question to you is while you’re so worried about him cheating, how do you intend to handle the distance?

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