long distance – bf moving in with a girl


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This topic contains 125 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  sarah 2 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #717152 Reply

    sarah

    I have a very similar problem to Summer and her thread about boyfriend moving in with a female roommate.

    I’ve been with my bf for about 2 years, we’ve lived together for a year. He got an amazing job offer recently, in a great city, but in a different country. It’s completely out of question that he has to take the job. It’s an amazing opportunity for him, and very likely a milestone in his career. So I am proud of him and thrilled, although we will have to do long-distance (I cannot leave with him, I have a great job too.) It’s not very far away, we will be able to see each other often and we are planning to cut the distance asap (probably within a year we would be able to be together in the same place again).

    but you know, I have my worries about being long-distance… especially, that he will be moving in with this girl.

    it’s very difficult to find a place in this city, so it’s convenient for him. he has a female friend who lives there and she offered to rent a room to him. the problem is… well, frankly she is the problem.

    I hardly know her but I know that she writes a blog about dating, that is, about her dating life. and a lot of it is very sexual… I’m really not a prude, but I am sometimes a little disturbed about what she describes. parts of it read just like porn. to be honest, I was slightly uncomfortable even before, about my bf reading this (because it’s kind of impossible to read it without imagining her in all the sexual positions that she describes), but of course, he has a right to read whatever he pleases online and I thought it was not a big deal anyway. but now, they are moving in together… when we will be long-distance (so he’ll probably be craving sex).

    I trust him, he is not a cheating type. he is not a flirt. he is a shy, nice and serious man. I am more worried about her. as I said, I hardly know her, but she is obviously very sexual and based on her blog, not very slow with getting intimate… also, she has had relationships with taken men before.

    I should add, she is a very attractive, young woman.

    I’ve thought that there is nothing I can do… this is an opportunity for him, very convenient to move in with a friend. but Summer’s thread inspired me to ask a question – would I be justified in doing something about this? I don’t even know what exactly I could do… just wanted to vent a bit. do you have any thoughts?

    #717163 Reply

    Khadija

    What do you thin you can do about this?

    If you consider him to be a faithful guy then nothing she says or does can change that.

    No one can make us cheat, a cheater will cheat because they choose to. Please keep that in mind.

    I understand the uneasiness that you have but, just because she is attractive does not mean he is attracted to her.

    In your case I’m really not sure what you can do other than trust him, keep the communication open and consistent, and visit when you can.

    If he is the one then this is a test of your relationship because I’m sure she isn’t the only attractive woman in that area.

    #717170 Reply

    Jarcom

    If he wants to cheat on you with her or anyone, doesn’t matter where he is living, you won’t know anyway. He’ll be in another country. So you better trust him.

    #717180 Reply

    Emma

    Oh Gosh of course you are justified in doing something!

    Do not wait until this girl seduces him, he is a nice shy guy but he is a guy with a penis. Unattainable women are wanted harder, so he can develop a real desire for her while fighting the temptation and his sinful thoughts.

    One way to diffuse the attraction and desire is to bring it up in the open. Talk to him openly and say that the blog is very sexual that even you couldn’t help but visualized that girl in poses, sex and verbalize all that so that his thoughts do not become hidden, secret, desirous.

    Tell him that you are worried about the attraction because it is natural that any man would feel this attraction. Diffuse her appeal by making the situation standard. Bring it up to his attention that her history with taken men is not something you or any GF would appreciate.

    A lot of “romances” can be numbed right before they even have a chance to develop. If your guy is a decent guy, he is going to think hard before doing exactly what you said any dork would do.

    Hiding and pretending and not showing any concern is quite unnatural. What normal woman would be totally cool with her guy living with this slutty young sexy attractive blogger??

    Just be careful not to overdo it. Express your concern over losing him, over losing his feelings, his attractions, over having your relationships ruined, but do not nag and nag. If your guy is a decent man, like oyu said, then being vulnerable is going to help you.

    #717193 Reply

    L

    If it’s not Emma, you will be just fine.

    #717446 Reply

    sarah

    Thank you, all. This is what I keep telling myself, that I have no other option than to trust him and hope for the best. But being realistic, two attractive people, in a great city, same apartment… I don’t know. What Emma suggested, I have already done. He knows very well how I feel about this. He reassures me that nothing is going to happen, because he wouldn’t cheat on me and has no attraction to her. I think he finds my concerns almost funny – that’s how sure he is that no cheating is going to happen. I think he’s being a bit naive and doesn’t fully realize how difficult long-distance relationships may be and how easy it is to end up in bed with someone. But anyway, I guess there isn’t much I can do… Thanks again!

    #717449 Reply

    Khadija

    People don’t just fall into bed with someone. That is an active choice and not one that just happens.

    He has already addressed this with you so its time to trust him. The last thing you want to do is become insecure and accusatory. That will not bode well with a man who is faithful to you.

    Plus long distance is hard enough, don’t make it any harder.

    My question to you is while you’re so worried about him cheating, how do you intend to handle the distance?

    #721536 Reply

    sarah

    Hi, so it’s more than a month later and he has moved in with that girl. We talked a lot, he knows exactly how I feel, he even offered that he would find another place, but I felt like that would be too much to expect (it really is a great deal for him).

    But now – and this is exactly what I was worried that would happen – I just feel very uneasy. It’s Friday night tonight, I have a cold, I am really feeling horrible, I’m also under a lot of pressure at work, so I work until 5 am sometimes (with a fever). I texted him a few hours ago, and only got a reply now. From the reply I know that he’s been watching some tv show that I’ve never thought that he would be interested in and drinking martini (that he would never drink before either). Both martini and the show sounds like her, not him, so I am assuming they have been doing this together. Netflix and chill and alcohol, while I’m here alone, exhasuted but working. See… I suppose nothing has happened between them (at least not yet), but the thing is, this whole situation is making my mind spinning.

    I became almost obsessed with this blog that she writes. Obsessed is maybe too much to say, but I do check it regularly. Maybe I’m petty, but this blog gives an impression that something is wrong with her… Things that she writes about her intimate life… I don’t know, it sometimes gives impression of some kind of sexual exhibitionism. Not to mention that it violates privacy of her partner(s). Anyway, I know (from the blog) that things are not going well for her and her bf, so I can’t stop thinking that, given how she obviously treats sex as an antidotum to anything, she will seek reassurance in my bf’s arms (or with his penis).

    I guess I just wanted to vent. It may be my cold… but this is exactly what I was worried about – cheating itself, of course, but also – how I will feel if he doesn’t reply to a text for a few hours…

    And this isn’t great for our relationship – for instance, now I feel angry, dissapointed at him, for keeping me waiting for a reply, or not being more affectionate/supportive when I’m not feeling well (with a cold and work). Normally I would be very chilled about stuff like this. But not now – I can see myself that I’m getting passive-aggressive sometimes, like tonight.

    #721538 Reply

    Lane

    Sweetie, I know this is super hard and your letting your mind wander into bad territory which is not good for you. You really need to stop these negative thoughts, as hard as it is, and trust your BF.

    You know him well enough to know if he ‘s a cheater or not. Trust your instincts that he’s not and whatever is going on with this lady has nothing to do with your BF, you or your relationship

    At this point I suggest he find another place to stay if it’s making you this insecure and crazy. I’m sure there are other options he could find and would be glad to do it if it truly makes you happy!!!

    #721539 Reply

    Umm

    Great advice Lane. He said this was his best option.

    #721551 Reply

    sarah

    Thanks. I feel like it would be extremely selfish of me to ask him to find another place just because of my insecurities (elsewhere he would be paying twice as much). Maybe I should talk to him again. Don’t you think it’s a bit inconsiderate of him, given that he knows that I am already insecure about the situation, he also knows that I’m having a very bad day…? But he doesn’t reply for a few hours and when he finally does, he just mentions some show that I’ve never heard of and martini. I don’t know anymore, it may be my spinning mind, but I think it’s obvious that my first thought after the message must have been that he’s been spending the evening with her. He’s not an idiot. Yet he didn’t mention her in the message. I mean, if he told me before “I’m spending time with x tonight, because neither of us had any plans, we’ll watch tv and x has martini to share”, I would feel better.

    #721552 Reply

    tammy

    this is a horrible situation to be in. while your bf may me the faithful type, staying with another woman alone, whos quite sexual, can be a cause for worry. all it takes is a boozy indoor weekend night, some amazing flick over Netflix and that’s that. even though he may not be into her, the situation can tilt him over. atleast sexually.

    I think the only answer for your peace of mind is that he should move out. :(

    #721559 Reply

    jacquetta

    Hi Sarah.
    This is really tough. Your rational mind tells you your man is trustworthy, that this is a good deal for him rent-wise, that it’s only a year, you will see one another often. The other part, understandably, is fearful of losing him now its LDR.

    So you need to be tough on yourself to get through this year.
    1. Stop checking the blog. It is only feeding your fantasy of how she will seduce your man and he will be unable to resist.
    Remember that bloggers don’t always tell the truth. That’s not to criticise this blogger – they are writing to get attention and ads on their site. So forget what you already read as the mere fantasies she peddles. Don’t let them be part of your own nightmare. That will only make you act more needy and probably hostile to her when you visit – both very off-putting to your BF.
    Leave the blog alone now!
    2. Find something creative of your own to do. Treat the extra time LDR gives you as an opportunity for self-development. Increased self-confidence will help you deal with LDR, and incidentally make you more interesting and attractive.
    At least find something that will occupy your mind sufficiently to stop the insecure thoughts swirling around. (For some it’s gym, but I can multi-task – do gym and obsess! But I can take a sketchbook anywhere and it distracts me from negative thoughts.)
    3. Stick with the logical thoughts:
    For example:
    There’s nothing wrong with him watching a new show. It’s her house, so maybe she gets to choose the shows when she’s home? Don’t you expect him to watch TV with a housemate?

    As for your BF:
    Actually, he sounds way too sensible to complicate his life and risk his cheap rent by having a quickie with his flatmate.
    And maybe she doesn’t fancy your BF and wants a sex free friendship too! Not sure why so many people assume she’ll want him for breakfast!
    Anyway, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt or risk driving him away with what you describe as your being passive-aggressive. He may not be susceptible to seduction on the sofa with the sex-siren, but he may decide to concentrate on his job or find a new GF who is more relaxed than you and seems to trust him. (Whatever you say, you don’t or you wouldn’t be turning yourself inside out over this.)

    Do you really expect constant availability? It looks very needy. That would drive some people nuts.
    His reply probably didn’t mention his flatmate because he doesn’t want to feed your insecurities.

    Remember:
    Some men find a woman who flaunts her sexuality with multiple partners very unattractive.
    Some men prefer subtle allure, a bit of mystery, a bit of a challenge, a woman whose sexuality is a special, personal gift rather than a supermarket give-away.
    Some men can keep their penis in their pants even after a Martini!

    #721582 Reply

    Leokadia

    You don’t know this woman, you never met her. This blog of her may just be a 100% fiction that doesn’t have to reflex her life at all, so don’t worry.
    Do you often talk with your boyfriend? Does he tell you much about his work and daily routine?

    My long-distance boyfriend tells me pretty much everything about his day, and he lives with 2 girls in the same apartment. He’s got so much work and we talk so much during the day that he wouldn’t have time to socialise with his flatmates even if he wanted.

    Do you plan to visit your boyfriend soon? I think that would be a great idea. It would give you the opportunity to see how much he’s settled in his new environment, how he bahaves towards you and what kind of person this blog-girl is. You may just get along fine and that would ease your mind tremendously.

    If you can’t visit him soon, at least try not to talk so much about how insecure you feel. Ask about his activities, talk about the weather, whatever feels natural for you! But do stay in contact with him, while occupying yourself and being positive. I understand that lately you felt tired and sad, maybe tell him you need to hear him and let him comfort you via phone or skype? I mean you told us he’s nice and kind. Hearing him going “aww, you poor dear” may be just the thing you need right now. But sometimes you have to nudge a dude so he knows what to say exactly, lol! Appreciate him when he calls, too. And I know it might be weird, but try feeling happy for him, it’s a great opportunity for him job-wise, it’s exciting! (I feel weird giving you this advice, since you may do this already, but you haven’t told us about your usual conversations, I hope it’s ok)

    #721621 Reply

    Emma

    Sarah, I am sorry about how you feel, this is really a very s*itty situation to be in. But I am also sorry to say, when you had a chance, you preferred to lie to yourself and play a cool girl. He offered you to find another place, why did you say no? It is very common for women to pretend. You tried to save him money but now what? He could have found another more expensive place and within 1-2 months find another housemate, could he not?

    He is not planning on cheating, I am sure, but as someone said, the girl is attractive and slutty. And he is a man, devoid of regular sex. of course you’d worry, who wouldn’t? And he is alone with her. Funny enough two girls would have been less of a problem. Being together alone is more intimate.

    I would not give up on reading her blog. If something happens you’d find out from there. She would not resist a temptation to boast, even if indirectly.

    But one thing you MUST do if you want this relationship to survive is to hold your tongue. The more you say things about her, the more you complain and nag and act suspicious, the higher the chances would be that he’d give in to his temptations. They might not be there yet, but it is quite possible to develop them in time, so do not nag.

    He did not mention martiti with this girl because he KNOWS what kind of a reaction you’d have. But he is still having alcohol while being alone with her. I sympathise with you, it is very difficult to take. But you have no choice now. What can you do NOW?

    But seriously…letting your cool BF live with an attractive smart and sexy slut? Men are emasculated these days but not THAT emasculated. common sense should still prevail when we make decisions.

    If he offers to move out, take him on this offer right away, do not weasel around, say that you are very glad he offered and that this means a world to you. That you were worried about your relationship and how this situation would push YOU away from him.

    #721629 Reply

    sarah

    Thank you, all. I don’t want to make any decisions now, because I’m obviously not in a great state of mind. He is visiting in less than 2 weeks… I think I’ll see how those two weeks go and depending on that, maybe I’ll talk to him.

    I wasn’t trying to play a cool girl, as I said, we talked about this, he knows very well that I am not cool at all with this. I just thought that it would be petty, mean and selfish of me to expect that he would find another place – because of my insecurities that have no real basis (he has never given me any reason not to trust him). It was already hard for him – suddenly he had to move to a city where it’s almost impossible to find accommodation, not to mention the prices. And I actually do have a choice still, I guess. Their initial agreement was that he rents this room for a month or two and then they’ll see. So we will probably talk about whether he stays there or looks for something else again soon.

    I think I was just trying to act like a bigger (and secure) person, but I didn’t fully realize how hard it would be. I followed Leokadia’s advice and talked to him on a phone today. I didn’t ask directly, but I found out that apparently, the martini is his own, not x’s, and that he wasn’t watching the show with x, but alone, she was out. At least that’s what he said.

    The thing is – my first thought was “he is lying”. Now after reflection, I don’t know, maybe he was telling the truth. But I would never be that suspicious, anxious and insecure. This is my third serious relationship and it has never happened before. My bf was sharing house with women before too and I didn’t feel like this. It really is the long-distance combined with this particular girl (and the blog) that makes me feel like this.

    #721636 Reply

    Really

    It’s simple. You don’t trust him.

    #721646 Reply

    Honeypie

    How does he actually know this woman in the first instant?

    #721661 Reply

    alia

    Ask him. What do you think of her and her blog and is it going to be weird living in the same apartment? I would say most likely he is not attracted to her or he wouldn’t move in.

    #721689 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Your insecurities are your problem. Find a therapist during the time you are looking at her blog. You know what will make her look attractive? Being a naggy, insecure girlfriend.

    #721757 Reply

    sarah

    Honeypie – she’s an old friend from college. Alia – I already did, more than once, he reassured me that I have nothing to worry about.

    Yeah, I’m pretty sure that he lied about her being out on that evening.

    I’m annoyed again at him, because he was ignoring my messages yesterday. I know that this is passive-aggressive, but it’s difficult to fight the urge to ignore him back.

    #721776 Reply

    Leokadia

    What makes you so sure he lied? It seems like you start to boil inside. Not good.

    Why not give him the benefit of the doubt? And why not phrase your needs in a friendly manner, like “I love hearing from you, getting messages from you eases my mind and I think I need staying in contact with you these days, I’m sorta bummed out, wish you were here with me again, can’t wait to see you” etc. instead of ignoring him out of spite. Maybe not all that at once, lol! That might look clingy. But surely you two like each other, right? If not love yet? I hope you can work it out.

    You lived together for a year, so maybe this long distance proves much more challenging for you than anticipated.

    #721777 Reply

    Tallspicy

    Imagine being him. Your girlfriend does not trust you and demands to have your time accounted for. Would not feel good, would it?

    #721778 Reply

    Tallspicy

    And why would I respond to someone who is no fun to talk to?

    #721792 Reply

    Jen

    I think it’s inappropriate he live with a woman. Why can’t he find a male roommate? It’s really unfair that he move away for a year and live with another woman. I wouldn’t tolerate it. Men aren’t stupid. I bet he would freak if you moved in with a guy.

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