Home › Forums › Long Distance Relationship (LDR) Advice › LDR: meeting soon, but he's gone silent
- This topic has 16 replies and was last updated 4 years, 1 month ago by
Pooja.
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NLK
I met a guy who lives in the UK (I am in the States) last September on a dating site. With many shared interests and humor we hit it off immediately and talked every single day (text, phone or video chat)never missing a beat. By November he had bought a plane ticket to meet me in Prague at the end of February (a solo trip I had already planned before we met) He told his friends and kids about me. We exchanged Xmas gifts and rang in the new year together over the phone. We’ve talked about how romantic Prague would be(him calling it the “best first date ever”)and tossed around plans for things after that trip to meet up again. All was going really great until he started a new job 3 weeks ago. The job was something tentatively in the works for a while, but then it actually came to fruition out of nowhere. He told me he might not be around much the first week which I completely understood, yet he still reached out each day. Then the second week it was like he flipped a switch and I wasn’t even a part of his life – he went completely silent on me. At the end of that week (last Saturday) I finally got a text that he had been working alot and was tired and that he thanked me for being so patient. That’s the last thing I’ve heard from him – one text in 12 days. I went from being showered with attention daily for months to feeling like I don’t exist. I’ve read through many articles on this site that have given good insight, but am I to believe that he’s gone from caring about me to solely being focused on his job overnight and that’s normal and I should accept it b/c that’s how men think? I do support his new work venture and I know what’s at stake for him to be successful, but being cut off so abruptly and for so long (long for us anyway) really hurts. We still have along way to go to learn about each other and this has been a real eye opener – I would have never thought that this is where we’d be and how I’d be feeling just a few weeks ago. I am pretty dumbfounded and with the trip coming up quickly we’re going to need to be in touch. I have not been bothering him and letting him have his time and space although I did send him a text the other day excited that we were one month out from the trip and meeting face to face and no response – that was a stab in the heart. I am living my life as I always do, but still can’t shake the roller coaster of emotions: sad, hurt, confused, mad – it’s consuming my thoughts. Am I being selfish, too impatient, over reacting? I am open to any feedback.
Liz Lemon
I don’t want to be unkind, but I want to be honest. I don’t think this guy is going to meet up with you. And I don’t understand why you’re on a dating site looking for men in other countries? If you want to date, it should be locally. Starting out a relationship as LDR, where you haven’t even met, is a recipe for disaster.
You don’t know this person. You don’t know if anything he told you is true. You don’t know that he started a new job. You don’t know that he bought a ticket to meet you in Prague. There are plenty of people out there who get off on having emotional/internet affairs, who have no intention of actually making it real. This is why developing relationships over the internet is such a bad idea. You need to get to know men gradually, in real life, and not just believe everything a total stranger tells you over the phone.
Also, a man who cares about you will not go from talking to you every day, to not communicating for 12 days (not even a text or phone call!) because he started a new job. That simply doesn’t happen. Yes he can be busy, but he will not stop talking to you for almost 2 weeks. No man is that busy!
The fact that you texted him that you were excited to see him in 1 month and he did not even bother to reply should tell you everything you need to know. I think you should plan to go to Prague and enjoy your vacation without him. If you go there expecting to meet him you’re going to be very disappointed. I’m willing to bet you won’t hear from him again, or if you do, he will either have a last minute “emergency” and will be unable to meet you on the trip, or he will just straight up ghost you without an explanation and not show up.
Colleen
Assume you will never see him. You have been foolish. Forget about the trip.
Khadija
I think you got wrapped up in a fantasy world and reality is hitting.
He is a stranger from another country, what were you expecting to come out of this?
In addition to that, what if you met and didn’t click in person?
I’m really don’t see a reason to “date” someone from another country unless you have plans to relocate to that country. Otherwise its not a good use of your time.
Go on your vacation and enjoy it. He’s already pulling a fade out and I doubt he is going to show up.
Tallspicy
I am going to give you some tough love.
What is most alarming here is that you say you in a relationship. YOU ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP. You are at at best in a fantasy of a potential relationship. You should never say you are in a relationship with anyone who you have neither met, nor are you open to seeing other people.
If you have a pattern with unavailable men, you need to get into therapy immediately to understand why you (and my guess is you have a history with unavailable men)
A. are attracted to men who are unavailable (and dating that long distance is unavailable)
B. Why you over invest in men you have never metHealthy people do not do these things.
Now, they may meet someone and be like “oh, that’s cool, I will see what happens if we are able to meet and I will date others in the meantime”.
So you know, I had a similar situation – I met someone online, we never met. We stayed in touch a little bit, and then things accelerated. But, I never allowed talk to get too sexy, I assumed we were both dating others, and I had him stay in a hotel when he decided to come see me (which he initiated). When we met, he did the reasonable thing, which was to say, it is way too far and this is too complicated – which was painful, but reasonable.
Colleen
Maybe he was never in the UK.
NLK
WOW, you guys are so harsh – I couldn’t write out everything about our “relationship” on here so you all took some liberty to judge it regardless. We video chat so I have seen his house in real time, his car/license plate and I have his address – we exchanged Xmas gifts so yes, he is in the UK. His kids know about me and they send me pics. I’ve seen his flight tixs and know what airline and flights he’s on to Prague so that’s all legit. I know the company he is working for now. I’m not looking for someone to hold my hand and tell me everything’s ok, but you guys are all dismissing this as if the past 5 months of my life have been a sham. LDR may not be ideal for all, but for many it works out – I have a friend who moved to Australia to marry her love. I wanted to meet a guy from the UK and he wanted to meet and American lady so for us this is what we both hoped for. I live in a small college town so options are limited and I’m not interested in what the men in this area have to offer – been there, done that. According to the articles on this site, his behavior is not abnormal so I am trying to get some clarity if anyone else has experienced this, not a bashing that I am stupid or need therapy for trying to find love with someone who lives abroad.
Liz Lemon
I’m sorry if you’re offended but his behavior IS abnormal. OK so let’s say the situation is legit based on the additional info you’ve supplied. Why would he completely stop speaking to you, and not respond to your last text about being excited to go see him? Like not even bother to send a text back? Maybe he’s getting cold feet. Maybe he changed his mind or met someone else. Who knows.
Yes, this website has articles about guys “taking space” etc (although those articles really apply to relationships IRL, not virtual/LDR relationships). But no guy who is into you “takes space” by ignoring you for 12 days straight. Even the articles on this site will tell you that. Men use the “work” excuse quite a bit when they want to distance themselves from a woman. It happens all the time. If a guy is into you, he doesn’t let work get in the way.
I still think you should prepare yourself for disappointment. I know it’s not what you want to hear. Years ago I was in a LDR with a guy in another country (I had met him IRL first, though, I did not meet him through the internet) and when we would plan visits we were always so excited in the weeks beforehand. He never just ignored me, even when he was really busy. So I definitely find it strange that this guy has gone radio silent. Like I said, it sounds to me like he may be having 2nd thoughts and getting cold feet.
Khadija
Go watch 90 Day Fiance and see what happens to long distance lovers.
I’m not trying to be harsh but, the reality is these types of relationships rarely work out.
Your friend’s story is the minority.My point was just because you clicked over the phone and chats, in person is something different.
It would be a shame to get your hopes up and be disappointed. You’re putting way too much pressure into this first meeting and by the looks of things he may have faded off.
Elsa
Just my 50 cents here…
I think it’s silly to say most long distance relationships fail. Most relationships fail either way.. you live 5000 or 5 kms between each otherAnyway, NLK, go enjoy Prague alone like you initially planned!! It’s a beautiful city! I know the idea of him sounds nice to you, but actions speak louder than words and no man is ever that busy not to contact you in 12 day or even quickly reply to your message if he was excited to see you! I know it’s a crushing feeling – just some time ago you were taking regularly, but it is what it is now. And the reality is – he has other priorities and has stopped contact with you. Let him have his life wothout you and have your life without him. You deserve consistency.
kaye
Here’s the problem, you don’t know that the last 5 months of your life haven’t been a sham! I understand you don’t like the feedback you have received. But realistically it has taken 5 months for the two of you to even make plans to meet and it won’t be for another month. If it takes 6 months to meet how often do you think the 2 of you could even see each other if this did turn into something? I hope you have separate rooms booked for this “best first date ever” because you are setting yourself up to be a vacation fling at best. You are already lamenting about how he is treating you like you aren’t even a part of his life but you aren’t! You are already hurting over this which tells me you are way too invested in a man you have never met and may not even like when you meet him. I would guess this first meeting has been built up so much and now he’s getting cold feet. Most likely because he isn’t who or what he says he is.
Warasen
Initially I was thinking that NLK didn’t really have a relationship but after reading the entire post it sounds like the 2 of you had a nice thing going. It’s amazing how technology can bridge a gap the size of the Atlantic ocean.
That being said I think it’s weird how he hasn’t even texted.
K
When you meet on an OLD site and you only know each other through email, text and video chat, unfortunately you only know each other in cyberspace. Which is NOT real life. That’s why a distance relationship without meeting can’t be a real relationship.
I learned this the hard way myself. Carried on with a guy in Canada for 6 months. We finally met. It was agonizing. We just didn’t click like we did in video chats. At all. Luckily we were able to admit it and cut dinner short. I was going to be in his city on business anyway so neither of us had made a special trip or it really would have been embarrassing. I can’t it explain it. Face to face, we fell flat. And we pretty much thought we were almost in love.
So he got a new job… and he’s changed his mind for some reason about meeting you and it looks like he isn’t able for some reason to be straight with you about it. Unfortunately this happens, especially with OLD.
Could be anything… cold feet, old GF come back, lied about things he doesn’t want to come clean over when you meet, blah, blah blah. As hard as it is, best thing to do is send a final message and say since I haven’t heard from you in so long I assume something’s changed and we aren’t meeting. Wish you would have told me straight. It was great to have gotten to know you and I wish you all the best. This is over as far as I’m concerned so no further contact needed or wanted.
I know it’s hard to give up the fantasy of an Englishman. But that’s all it ever was. Take your time to mourn this and then move on. If you hear from him, I wouldn’t be sucked in again. It’s not acceptable to just ghost no matter what was going on in his life. Sorry. This sucks and you don’t deserve it.
K
And the other Kaye is right… he very well might not be who or what he’s led you to believe.
Raven
If you do meet up, if you have sex- You will not see or hear from him again…
michelle
NLK,
I see you had a nice thing going between both of you and understand that we can build hopes on it.
I m sorry but I don’t think he is going to be in the picture anymore. Please go enjoy yourself in Prague ( i know it is going to be hard) but I do hope this trip will heal your heartache.
Pooja
Hi
First of all don’t take the prior comments personally because when people are not in your situation they don’t know always know what your feeling.
I do sympathise as I am too in a similar situation.
I haven’t met my guy either but are due to soon.
We haven’t said we’re in a relationship yet as we both know we have to see eachother first .
I think that you definitely don’t deserve to be cut off like that.Again I had this problem with the guy I’m speaking to who has been extremely busy with work and I was honest with him
I explained I felt he was being distant however he apologised and said that it was his job.
Like you I gave him space but the difference here is he still reaches out. It isn’t that much but he still texts. Like you I saw his tickets to come and see me and he’s even bought me giftsI think of you know his background and he had that intention of seeing you but I think you should have the conversation with him and confront him
however if he’s still not reaching out then you need to go on that trip and carry on doing your thing.
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