It’s Already a Relationship but he wants to Wait a Couple Months for the Title


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  • #815424 Reply
    Newbie

    I liked a lot of the advice and what liz lemmon said about you being in victim mind set believing you cant find better. Your later post which are full of excuses for him show that. I will only say one thing. If his life is a mess and he is using sex and weed for whatever reason, that can very well be true. But you are also a crotch, a bandaid. You are the girl he can lay his head on your lap and talk about his horrible live atm. Once he gets better he wont need nurse alexandria. He will go for hot fun girl to get burned. You will never win

    #815425 Reply
    Not the real Lily Collins

    Alexandra, I don’t doubt that you love him. Sometimes we can’t help but fall in love with the wrong person but a guy who truly loves you will not leave you hanging in terms of exclusivity. You posted here for advice, the ladies have given true advice, what you do next will be up to you.

    I totally agree with you when you said you feel undervalued. You are undervalued and being treated like someone who is easy, desperate and always at his beck and call. Have some self respect. You are being used here and the whole situation just looks….cheap.

    I feel like you are like a drug addict, in this case f-boy addict. You know that its toxic and bad for you and causes you lots of unpleasant after effects (feeling undervalued, not exclusive, being cheated on), but you keep coming back to it because you like the short term happiness it brings i.e. all those lovey hormones, flowers, sweet talk..etc People around you persuade you to stop and cut ties but you can’t seem to stop despite wanting to. Vicious circle.

    Let me tell you whats going to happen now. Despite what all the ladies said here, I can be sure you will not take the advice to cut ties. Instead you’re going to stick it out till November and see if he’ll commit to you because you’re so in love with him and scared if you don’t someone will come along. He’ll then likely not give you the answer you’re expecting and you will be very heart broken….again… and you’ll keep thinking what went wrong and keep asking why this why that and all the buts- but he’s done that, but he said I love you, but he blah blah blah. In the end he’s not right and eventually you’ll accept it over a long period of time, I’d say years.

    Please tell me if I have a career in fortune telling.

    #815429 Reply
    Anon

    I agree with the others. I suggest journaling because when I’ve done this in the past over unhealthy relationships, I’ve noticed a pattern of behavior and it helps to then change the trajectory. Go into the journaling as a source when you want to reach out to him to become stronger. Then re-read your entries to see what is happening. When I first started writing, it was almost daily- sometimes twice a day and I recognized how much power this guy had and I thought- why am I giving him this much power and began to take my power back. It’s a great way to channel energy outside of him.

    #815430 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Her whole description of being there for him and his craptastic life etc reeks of codependency.

    #815439 Reply
    Ss

    It breaks my heart that you truly believe that this as$clown is the best you can hope for. Seriously its desperately sad to read that. You know he is no good but you don’t believe you deserve good anyway.

    There remains no reason for him to be talking to, sh*gging and dating other women aside from that is what he WANTS to do. He wants to do that and get a girlfriend experience with you. He baited and switched you but somehow you are not outraged by the total lack of respect to your emotions, feelings and intelligence. You feel he is the prize and basically some other woman taming him rather then you would be a loss for you. Think about that. You see losing the attentions of an older, baggage at freight level, criminal, cheating, lying, manipulating disrespectful as$clown is somehow a bad thing! How on earth would you ever be able to trust him?! You won’t.

    This all ends with pain for you but the path you seem to be choosing is the really long, bumpy, painful excruciating long one. You are prolonging your pain.

    Please try and do better for YOU

    #815445 Reply
    Lane

    You are laying in bed with a wolf. Its the pain that you will have to keep dealing with whne the ‘next woman’ calls you. Your life, your choice, to sleep with a wolf. Peter cried it until no one listened.

    #815462 Reply
    kelly

    y’all wasting your time here. she is too brainwashed to hear you. she’ll realize in her own time.

    #815489 Reply
    Sam

    You sound like me when I was dating this assclown in my 20s. As others have already advised, this is who he is, you can’t change or ‘fix’ him. And he is 100% stringing you along. When he asked you if you’d be down for an open relationship that was him being REAL, all the other fluffy words mean nothing. I really hope you listen to the great advise given to you here, because if you stay with this man you will only waste more of your precious time and he will lead you to constant heartbreak.

    #815491 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    “It feels MOST men I meet or love don’t have respect for me in return. Regardless of how much i give or understand or love.”

    I really think you should seek therapy, as has already been suggested to you. The problem is that you are attracting the wrong men by being so accommodating and tolerating of awful, disrespectful behavior. You can’t force or convince someone to love you by continually giving and giving, and being accepting of bullsh!t behavior. An emotionally healthy man will respect a woman with boundaries and self-love. A manipulative man will take advantage of a woman who is too generous and forgiving for her own good.

    I’m sorry to hear you were stood up at the airport after moving cross country to be with someone; however, you also mention that this person cheated on you, and I’m willing to bet there were other enormous red flags in the relationship that you chose to ignore. I’m not saying it’s your fault, but I’m saying it would benefit you greatly if you sought out therapy to identify the patterns in YOUR behavior and choices that result in you winding up with terrible men.

    I think Ss put it really well when she said “He baited and switched you but somehow you are not outraged by the total lack of respect to your emotions, feelings and intelligence.” Where is your sense of dignity and self-love? His behavior is outrageous. A woman who loved herself and had high standards for herself would simply not tolerate any of this. And she certainly would not see this dude as any kind of prize. Who cares if some other woman gets to “claim” him? He’s not some kind of prize, he’s a walking, breathing turd. Let her have him! (Although I also totally agree with Franny’s point that he will never commit; any woman he is with will get the same treatment you’re getting).

    #815541 Reply
    Paige

    There’s something in journalism that is known as “burying the lede” – and that’s what you have done.

    What do I mean?

    Buried in one of your later posts – three paragraphs into telling us (but really trying to convince yourself) what a swell guy he actually is, you wrote:

    “Currently his businesses are being investigated by the SEC.”

    Forget infidelity. Forget deceit and lies. Even forget that “(h)e also has 2 other open court cases (not involving his work).”

    Being under investigation by the SEC generally leads to criminal charges and prison sentences, unless you’re a member of Congress. Even Martha Stewart went to prison for $45,000 in security fraud (chump change in financial crimes). Google it if you don’t remember and/or believe me.

    THAT is the real red flag here. Heck, that’s an arena full of red capes at a bullfight.

    Unless you want your new advice board to be prisontalk.com, you need to remove this man and every piece of evidence of his existence from your life.

    #815548 Reply
    DB

    It sounds like you’re infatuated with the idea of who he is rather than… Well… Who he actually is. You’re desperate. You’re making desperate choices and acting desperate because you’ve talked yourself into desperation. I know because I was there not long ago. Not a good place to be in.

    #815555 Reply
    Sandybean

    Everything that has already been said.

    And one important realization it took me a while to have: NEVER be with someone for who they COULD BE at some point the future. ALWAYS be with someone for who they ARE RIGHT NOW.

    People evolve and change and that is a great thing. But you never know who they will become in the future. All you ever have with them is the now. So don’t ever date somebody for their potential. Date them for who they are and how they treating you right now, because that is all there is.

    #815658 Reply
    Jacqueline

    You are a People Pleaser you will do anything to please someone in hopes they will fall in love. This is a pattern of behavior that you have exhibited in other relationships. It is leaving you vulnerable to narcissists they can spot people like you.

    You feel you still need his approval hence your comment about if he leaves me and is with someone else I feel like a failure something is wrong with me. When in reality he could care less about your feelings or the new person. They will just be the new person in this vicious game he plays. he is playing a dangerous game. Let’s say he committed to you. Imagine you are in your home together and some woman he was having an affair with shows up angry. It has happened before to people. You never know who he may be dealing with.

    Second, he could have a disease from someone. have you gotten tested b/c you need to. maybe that will convince you to leave him. You are risking so many things staying with him.

    This is a pattern and the only one that can break it is you. I feel like you have the same patterns you need to clear out the negative energy from the past. Start new. You need to boost your self-esteem. I think you need to go out to find friends and people who will build you up. If you can not do that then build yourself up.

    You need to leave that bad energy in the past. You need to leave him. I would not jump into anything with anyone but you should date when you boost your energy.

    As far as this guy is concerned he makes you feel awful to do you want to be stuck in this drama? It is dangerous to be involved with him you have no clue who he is dealing with or what type of relationship they have or what he is telling them.

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