This topic contains 16 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Lisa 2 months, 1 week ago.
February 10, 2019 at 5:28 pm #739399
Sorry in advance, this is rather long and complicated. I was together with my ex for one year. I’m 27, he’s 40. We broke up because of long distance and that I felt he pushed for committment too fast. It was a rather ugly breakup where he said some hurtful things and ended up blocking me. After our breakup, he went to travel for a few months and when he came home, he unblocked me. We gradually started talking again, but only over WhatsApp. He seemed like a changed person, much more happy and confident. He confessed that he still loves me. I still have feelings for him as well and it seemed like he had changed, and that we were more in tune with each other. Or that’s what I thought initially.
I’m moving back to the town where he lives early this spring. He asked me if I would like to resume the relationship. After a few failed attempts to talk over Skype due to bad network connection, I suggested I could give him a ring since I can call him for free. That’s where it started to go downhill.
One of our differences from the past when we did ldr is that he doesn’t like me to ring him spontaneously, as he’s often busy and he likes things to be predictable. So instead of just giving him a ring, I tried to set up a time to talk.
I first suggested the same or the following evening. He replied that he wanted to talk the evening after. I couldn’t talk that evening, but told him I was free to talk that weekend, if that could work for him. He didn’t reply to that, I just got a cryptic text out of nowhere about my father being negative about our age difference (an old issue that I thought we were done with). I ignored that comment, and replied that I looked forward to phoning with him and would he please get back to me with a time. On Saturday, one week later, I finally got a long voicemail from him like nothing happened. He told me he’d been busy with work and skiing, but suggested we talked Sunday evening. I was going to a concert that night and suggested Monday or Tuesday. No reply from him. Then Tuesday night I got a message from him saying he spontaneously decided to go to the movies. Nothing about talking over the phone. I was rather annoyed at this point, but sent him a nice and short reply, wishing him a good night.
We sent a few more texts that week, and finally I just asked him if I could just give him a ring the following weekend, and if he couldn’t talk then, we could at least try to find another time over the phone instead of all the messages back and forth. He didn’t reply to this until a few days later when he suggested I call him at seven that same night. I couldn’t, so asked him if I could ring him one of the following nights. He replied saying he was fed up that I seemed too busy to make time to ring him, and that he wasn’t keen on phoning with me anymore. He would still like to resume the relationship, but he preferred it if I could just message him my thoughts on it and the date for when I’ll be moving back to his home town.
In the end though, he ended up changing his mind about phoning, as he received a birthday card from me a few days later that he was very happy about. We had a good talk and things felt like they were back on track.
A few days later he sent me quite a few photos and a long voicemail. As he sometimes takes a day or even a week to reply to me I thought it was no rush, but replied the same day with a short text thanking him, and then sent him a more elaborate reply the day after. I know that he sometimes gets offended that my replies are too short, so really made an effort. I didn’t hear back from him for a week. He then told me he was upset because I took so long to listen to and reply to his voicemail and photos. He said his friend and his mother agreed that it didn’t seem like I was making him a priority. He suggested we talk about it over the phone.
I felt quite annoyed and deflated at this point, but decided to give him a ring that same evening. We had a good talk, and it seemed like we found some middle ground. We exchanged some texts over Christmas and a few more phone calls. A few days before New Year’s Eve, he sent me an avalanche of photos and messages. I made my best effort to send him a nice reply and some photos from my day that same evening. The following days I sent a few sweet texts, but no reply from him.
New Year’s Eve, I got a short and rather impersonal text wishing me happy new year. I replied with a text. I wanted to call him in the evening, but felt uneasy about it, as his text was so brief and cold. In the end, I rang him early in the evening before dinner, just to wish him happy new years. I assumed he would be busy as well, and tried to make it short, but he just continued to come up with topics and kept talking, making it difficult to interrupt. After half an hour, I said I was happy to continue the conversation the next day, but that I had to head back to dinner. He then told me that he thought we should have a communication break until I would arrive in late February. I agreed to this, but said I’d love to text him at midnight. He said that was fine, but that he would probably be offline. Turns out he spent New Years at home by himself. This made me feel a bit bad.
Next morning, I got a very cold voicemail from him where said he was tired of not being a priority for me and that he didn’t want to continue. He again pointed out how his mother and friend both agreed with him, so it was not a lack of tolerance on his part. He said he was put off by my lack of appreciation for his latest messages and that my replies felt robotic and cold. This made me really upset, as I felt like my messages to him had been really heartfelt, loving and sincere. He then accused me of being selfish. He was unhappy that we’d only talked for an hour on New Year’s Eve, and that it seemed like getting back to the dinner party was more important to me than talking to him. How he always made time for me, but that I only would ring when it was convenient for me. He made a point that he had picked up the phone even though it wasn’t a good time for him, and now he had a cold because he had to take off his cap and gloves to talk with me in the freezing wind. On top of that, he was hurt that I didn’t text him until two hours after midnight. I thought it wouldn’t matter, as he said he would be offline anyway. He said that he hoped I would use the first day of 2019 to think about how my selfish ways ruined our chances of getting back together.
You probably ask yourself, why do I even bother with all this drama. Well, when we’re together in person, it’s always been good, and I really miss those times. Things started to go sour when we went long-distance. My hope is that it will be good again when we’re back in the same town.
A few days ago, I received a text that he realised the only sensible option would be to give this a try, or else he would regret it. He added that despite his change of heart, he’s still pessimistic and unhappy with my selfish ways. I do have feelings for him still, but things feel rather hopeless at this point. I’m upset that he keeps calling me selfish and that he can’t see it from my point of view. What do you think of his behaviour? Would I be crazy to give this another try?February 10, 2019 at 5:39 pm #739402
Oh God, this is sick. I feel I’ll thinking about the way you describe how he holds all the cards and he has the upper hand and you are a powerless little mouse.
He takes away your womanhood and your right to properly love. He changes you into a scared little slave.
Honestly. I’m a big girl and I call ALL the shots in my life. I enjoy my power. Its mine.
Take back your power and block him and go no contact.
How dare he tell you his family has an opinion.
I call my bf any and multiple times per day if I want. We don’t textFebruary 10, 2019 at 5:46 pm #739403
Honey, I’m way older than your man. You obviously think he is a winner. Hes hard work, impossible to please.
He is unreasonable. He needs his ashes whooped.
If you were his age, and an equal, you would not think he’s so great
You’re starting to see him more realistically, aren’t you?
He sounds like a complainer, and abusive, making you run through hoops then changing the reward. Know what I mean?February 10, 2019 at 5:50 pm #739404
Better off single
Having been in an LDR, communication is hard. It will flow easier once you’re closer together and can actually see each other on a regular basis. You might be able to plan things better. Do you think you were being selfish? Do you see it from his perspective? It seems like he wants you to drop everything when he calls and kind of throws a fit when you’re unavailable.
When you’re in an LDR, it really tests the relationship and a lot of understanding is required. If you can get through the distance, you can get through anything.February 10, 2019 at 5:53 pm #739407
To answer your question: yes you would be totally crazy to give this another change. And i read this story on the past so im sure you have posted about this guy before. I dont understand how you can write all this and not see how argumentative he is, controlling, bashing. I see zero quatlities in this guy. So you have done all this before and broke it off. Why repeat the same cycle again?February 10, 2019 at 5:55 pm #739408
And then this 40 year old guy tells you his mommy thinks youre mean. Dont you see how crazy this is?February 10, 2019 at 6:03 pm #739410
Maybe you like being pushed around? Maybe you don’t know what it is like being put on a pedestal and respected.
You are young, don’t let this guy destroy you.February 10, 2019 at 6:19 pm #739417
“He made a point that he had picked up the phone even though it wasn’t a good time for him, and now he had a cold because he had to take off his cap and gloves to talk with me in the freezing wind. On top of that, he was hurt that I didn’t text him until two hours after midnight. I thought it wouldn’t matter, as he said he would be offline anyway. He said that he hoped I would use the first day of 2019 to think about how my selfish ways ruined our chances of getting back together.”
ROTFL. He’s a whiny princess, BAD quality in a man. Get rid of him. You will regret it if you stay. Stop wasting your precious time. At your age you have your pick of a lot of men. There’s a good reason this one isn’t married and hangs around with young women, no one his age would give him the time of day.February 10, 2019 at 6:34 pm #739419
You posted about this guy before & not a thing has changed… Not a thing.
Please find the confidence to demand better for Yourself…February 11, 2019 at 1:17 am #739456
whether you see him in person or not, his personality wont change. are you ready to deal with his drama 24×7? are you ready to always do things based on his whims and convenience? are you happy to make yourself available at his back and call? are you ok with his constant criticisms? think you shld think about this deep and long. put your views to him and then take a call. whatever you do, think it through, tell him why you think things may not work. I can bet based on the details provided by you, that he will bad mouth you and start abusing and blaming you. try it. and let us know what happens.February 11, 2019 at 2:57 am #739464
Everything Anne Ohio says… word for word!
OP you must be chewed up with anxiety and second guessing of yourself. This man sounds controlling and selfish and abusive. It’s exhausting just reading what you’ve put! You are 27, go get better than this loser. What eggshells to walk on, what double standards he has too. Please send him a message and tell him actually you’ve thought about it and it won’t work with the opinion he has of you, so you’re out.February 11, 2019 at 8:18 am #739472
I’m so sorry he is gaslighting you. Nothing you have done warrants the response he’s giving you. His mother clearly has an opinion of you that is negative, and it’s based on how he’s framing the situation. It does not mean he’s right, it actually means he is turning people against you. If I were in your shoes, I would do one of two things.
The first is just let go and block him. Cut your losses and start finding quality men who are able to see you. I don’t mean physically see you, I mean see who you are in your heart. Someone who can really tell who you are and appreciate you. This guy doesn’t seem to be able to see you, or chooses not to. He also sounds a bit controlling. Neither of these qualities will bode well for your sanity and happiness.
The second option is to lay it out on the line quite clearly for him how you feel. I would tell him you are making me feel like I have to walk on egg shells, and you are taking the security out of any relationship we could possibly have together. A relationship should be equal ground. You do not give me any leeway to be my own person. I’m not allowed to have fun or friends or a life of my own, yet have to be mindful of your right to have a busy schedule and go skiing, etc. If you want us to continue, you are truly going to have to respect my individuality, and appreciate me, etc. Feel free to word this however you want, using your true feelings—just make sure he knows how serious you are. If he truly is capable of any of this, make him show it. If you don’t feel like he’s capable of it, then cut things off.
I truly think these are the only two options for you.February 11, 2019 at 8:24 am #739474
By the way, if you want to know what I would do, I would do the first option. I have a very specific reason for it.
Sometimes we want to save a relationship. We have invested a lot of time in it, and we start getting into sunk cost theory. However, even if it’s truly possible to invest energy and time into a relationship to make it the one that you want, think about how much more energy and time could be used on other projects if you actually just found a person who connected with you without all the heavy work to get him there.
When we use that energy on ourselves, we become happier people. You could take up yoga. You could go to an art class. You could teach yourself French cooking. You could learn a musical instrument. Think of all the things you could do if he didn’t have to hold someone’s hand to teach them how to treat you like a human being.February 11, 2019 at 8:26 am #739475
If you* didn’t have toFebruary 11, 2019 at 8:51 am #739476
Cut this guy off. You are 27, he is 40. If he is 40 and complaining to his mom about a girl he is dating (not even in a relationship with), he has issues.
It sounds like you do your best with communication, but he wants it when he wants it, which means he wants to CONTROL you. Well adjusted people who keep “missing each other” laugh it off, schedule a time and make it work. They don’t guilt trip the other party for being unavailable at specific times.
A lot of guys who date much younger women do it because they think you are easier to control. Let this one go.February 11, 2019 at 9:46 am #739481
How is this not a major turn off for you? He is not acting like a man.. he is behaving like a spoiled little girl! This man is 40 years old?!?! I would find this so repulsively unattractive that I would not be able to speak to him again. Please find a real man, not a whiny momma’s boyFebruary 11, 2019 at 12:11 pm #739493
Your letter/situation was so long I couldn’t get through it. That should tell you this ‘relationship’ is too much. Long distance doesn’t work unless someone is going to make a move. You were/are planning to make that move and you will now be closer. Instead of doing the long distance now (which didn’t work for you in the past), just wait until you are back in town and see if things can be worked out there. If his attitude is the same (don’t call me whenever you want to only as per a schedule) then don’t waste anymore of your time.