Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is this lip service?
- This topic has 4 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
Lane.
-
AuthorPosts
-
Bailey
My ex-boyfriend and I dated for 7 months and broke up a few days ago. He said he hasn’t felt like himself and knows he hasn’t treated me well the past month. I admittedly was nagging him about this because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I know I didn’t. But part of me felt a bit guilty because I had told him that I felt like we didn’t have as strong of an emotional connection as we used to. Even though I said it from a place of “I want to change that”, I can understand how that’s defeating to hear. He shut down after that and I gave him space but tried to let him know I was there for him and wanted to make us even better. Fast forward a few weeks and he says we need to take a step back (break up) so that he can work on himself and figure out how to be better. He said I’m the first person he’s fallen in love with (he’s 27), that he knows he won’t be able to find anyone better, and that I’m “perfect in his eyes”. He said he’d like to try things again in 3-4 months. That’s not my style and I’m not going to emotionally wait for someone to decide if they want to be with me for 3 months. I’ll go out and do my own thing and work on myself, but realistically after a breakup I feel like you need to decide if you’re shutting this chapter or not. To me, once I’m done I’m done but I don’t want to shut the chapter too soon.
Does it sound like lip service? I went into NC and have things lined up for me to improve in different areas and get back to feeling more like myself. Curious if anyone has thoughts? Do you think he’ll be back?
*Still follows me on Instagram, snapchatted me day after breakup (personal snap and inside joke – I didn’t answer), and is the first to view any story I post. I know these sound juvenile so maybe I’m overthinking and just hoping they mean something?
Maddie
I don’t think it’s lip service if he follows through. He sounds like he is realizing he has issues and trying to take responsibility to deal with them. However, he doesn’t know how to do this within a relationship and is (temporarily?) pushing you away, probably to avoid making things worse between you. **But that indicates how he deals with stress in his life.** If you want a partner who can turn towards you instead of away, this may not be a good match for you anyway and better to know that sooner than later.
That being said, lip service or not, you shouldn’t wait. I understand it’s easier said than done to get over something and be emotionally available to date others if you still have hope for someone else. But, while I do actually take him at his word that he’s being earnest here, that absolutely does not mean he’ll be able to sort through these issues within 3-4 months, that he’ll even stick with it, that he’ll change for good into a better partner, that he’ll even want to change, etc. etc. There’s too many unknowns and you shouldn’t wait on potential. That’s how you waste your own time. You need to make your decisions based on the actual situation directly in front of you.
If you can, you should assume this is really over, and tell him you’d prefer to be out of contact to heal while he’s working himself out. When he feels ready, and only if/when he feels ready to fully be in a committed relationship, he can reach out and see where you’re at. Then stictly stick to the no contract. IF he comes back with more than just breadcrumbs, you’ll still need time to see if his words and actions match to decide if he’s really ready and if you’re even still single and want to be with him at that point. But because there’s so many things that have to happen for this to work out, again, assume it’s time to heal and move on. Don’t imagine and plan for what happens with the future with him until it happens and you can decide if you even still want to revisit. With some time apart and perspective, you may not even want to bother anyway and may decide in retrospect, you weren’t as good a match as you thought.
Bailey
That was so helpful. Thank you so much Maddie. I needed to hear those words and it brought a sense of calm. Really appreciate it :)
Maddie
You’re welcome. I hope you find yourself feeling better soon!
Lane
Yes, its lip service. People don’t suddenly change in a few months, especially when they don’t even know what it is they want to specifically change. His reason to become ‘a better person’ means what? That if he takes some time to himself for a few months he’ll suddenly become a better person? That’s not how change works.
Change often comes naturally due to one’s environment, age, maturity, etc. over a long period of time OR requires a lot of hard work and ‘sticking to it’ for the rest of one’s life when attempting to alter ingrained personality traits or long-term habits. Its akin to an alcoholic saying “I want to stop drinking” whereas they don’t magically become a non-alcoholic in a few months; nope it takes YEARS or a lifetime of hard work by literally changing one’s lifestyle to the point they are able to mitigate all “triggers” that would keep them from falling off the wagon.
Not many are able to achieve the type of change he’s talking about—its much easier said (lip service) than done.
-
AuthorPosts
