Is it too soon? Or am I just overreacting?


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice Is it too soon? Or am I just overreacting?

This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Dani 3 months ago.

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  • #736238 Reply

    Jodee

    Hi Lovely People.

    I have a bit of an issue at the moment and I need to know if it just me, or is this something I should be concerned about.

    My sister recently separated from her husband (married for only a year, however together for 10 years in a solid relationship). Since they got married, her husband changed his ways, I won’t go into great detail, however he put her through complete hell. He became an alcoholic (he had tendencies before, but it just got worse at the end of their relationship), he become very mentally confused and was starting to get very sick from the alcohol abuse. My sister, finally called it quits. This was 3 months ago. During this time, she struggled with the loss of the relationship and also she was still in love with him.

    3 months later, she has signed up to a dating website and has now began seeing another man. She has told me that they are just friends, however they met a few weeks ago now and have pretty spent every night together since, she has met his friends and family during this time and are planning allot of things going forward. She is 50, he is 49.

    Her past history with relationships has been one after another, she has had 4 long term relationships one after another (like within weeks of one ending, she would be in another relationship), she has not been single since she was 15 years old. She does not know how to be alone.

    I totally thought that after she ended her marriage this time, she would give herself a good chunk of time to get herself back to being her, spend some time by yourself and getting to yourself single. ENJOY IT!!!! Make the most of having time to yourself. But no, she was on the dating scene so damn quickly.

    She keeps telling me that they are only friends, but with her previous relationship history I do not trust her at all. I know that she is happy and her confidence is back, but it was almost like the first bloke that contacted her, she was like “he will do”, she is not talking or seeing anyone else. I know it might fizzle out and all that, but I think you can see where I am coming from. It is far too soon isn’t it??

    #736241 Reply

    Better off single

    How is it any of your business? Talk to her about it instead of a bunch of strangers who have no idea what your sister is like.

    #736243 Reply

    Jodee

    Better off Single – I have talked to her about it. It is my business because I am the one there picking up the pieces every time her relationships end. I was there on her bed as she cried telling me that she loved her husband only 8 weeks ago….I was there everyday for the phone calls of her crying to me. Trust me, this is my business….

    Excuse me if I am wrong, but isn’t this a forum to get advice? So, if you aren’t interested in sharing your advice to a stranger, why do you log on?

    #736250 Reply

    han

    If she says they’re just friends and they hang out on a regular basis then maybe she just enjoys the company to help her keep her mind off of her past and move on. Does she have other friends to turn to? Is she feeling alone? Is it an emotional affair?

    #736253 Reply

    Jodee

    Hi Han,

    Yes, she has plenty of friends to turn to, allot of close mates. She also has her 30 year old daughter who is very close to her and I. She also had the same reservations as I did.

    I mean, I can’t tell her she isn’t allowed to start dating…..she is 50 after all lol. But I guess I am just looking at advise on how to handle the situation through my end. As it is bugging me that she could give herself even 6 months of being single.

    She is not alone, that I will make clear. She has a very active social life and even a social life with her family.

    #736255 Reply

    Better off single

    My advice was to talk to her about it.

    What advice are you looking for exactly? Does your sister think it’s too soon? Does she even like herself enough to be with herself? Is it going to stop her from having a friend that she will probably wind up with?

    #736257 Reply

    Han

    In my honest opinion having a friend outside of your social circle or even family is beneficial when getting over a breakup. It’s fresh and new and you don’t know what to expect. It makes things exciting and it’s something to look forward to. Not saying that current friends and family aren’t important. You said it will probably fizzle out anyway. Just be the awesome sister that you are and be there for him. Like you always have.

    #736272 Reply

    Jackie

    This is her pattern and at 50 it’s not going to change. Just accept that she’ll be crying on your shoulder when it ends and put the rest of it to bed.

    She doesn’t enjoy being alone. She’s living her life as she wants to. And you have to let her do that.

    #736279 Reply

    Jodee

    Great advice so far, I think I will have to just accept it and let it be. She doesn’t like to be alone and that is her choice. It makes me laugh, as it literately was only about 4 weeks ago she was telling me that no way would she be wanting another relationship, she couldn’t think of anything worse.

    We have planned a family getaway weekend in a couple of months and she has just let us know that it will be her plus one………so my instincts were correct. :)

    #736315 Reply

    Dani

    Hi Jodee,
    I have a friend similar to your sister. She’s a bit more stoic though when things end. We’ve known each other since grade school and she has rarely ever been single. I used to wonder how things always seemed to fall in place so easily at the start or how she could describe feelings when these relationships ended but not seem to be actually affected. She is someone who has the abilty to return some level of feelings to whomever approaches her with being “all in” in order to not be alone.

    In her mind every relationship is legitimate, meaninful, and not at all chosen by her because of the “sure bet” factor. Here’s the thing though, that’s her reality. I have my opinion on it but it’s not my life. She’s not going to do an about face and change the method that has always worked for bringing her security in that area of life. If her way was truly harmful to her or she wanted to change it and asked me for advice, then I would have something to say other than some questions aimed at getting her to think about what she is doing when she has something to discuss about her relationships.

    Your sister turns to you to pick up some of the pieces. You care and don’t want her to continue doing anything that harms her. That’s understandable. Is it really harmful to her or do the benefits outweigh the bad times for her?

    I would say continue to be the great sister you have been. If you truly think she would benefit from evaluating her motives, you could try asking her some questions the next time she comes to you. Let’s say her current involvement goes flat and she cries about it to you. Is your relationship with her one that could handle questions such as: “Do you think Joe was someone who really interested you or do you think he filled a space after Mike?”
    See what she has to say. Go from there. This way she is supplying the answers. That might start her thinking if making adjustments would be right for her. She has to want to change something to change it.

    I don’t know if you’ve already approached her that way. If nothing else, it’ll let her vent with a focus while you listen. If she is content with her life then just respect that and know you were there when she needed you.
    Best wishes :)

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