March 19, 2015 at 3:22 pm #409971
One month ago I met this man online… I am 49 and he is 51…both divorced…both very attractive, busy people. We talked via text and got to know a lot about each other, and finally agreed to go out on a date…which we were both pretty nervous about! Even though we had exchanged photos prior… when we first laid eyes on each other the “spark” was INTENSE and very obvious for both. Our date was amazing, and we spent almost 9 hours together. We slept together on the first date.. and I KNOW that is not in the “rules”… but we are adults, and he gave me every option to say no. I wanted to!!
He is very busy… has businesses all over the US and travels a lot, which he did the entire two weeks after our date. We communicated by texting often, and the day before he was to come back home we made plans to see each other. It would have been for dinner, however, he ran into bad weather and asked if I could just come to his house…which was fine with me. We had a wonderful visit…and of course…sex. Then more business and traveling….and the very next chance he had time to see me, he asked me to come over. This time I was feeling uneasy, and really needed to know his intentions. Am I just casual sex to him….or more.
So, after another amazing night together, I was giving him a back rub and got up the nerve to ask him. I told him what a wonderful time I had when we went out on our date, and that I would love to do it again sometime (not tomorrow, or this weekend, or any set time… just “sometime”). Hoping he would say… “of course….I look forward to that too….it’s just been hectic with my schedule”… or anything but what he DID say which was “Why do you have to go and start complicating things”??!!
I was so stunned… and hurt … and because I’m an emotional person I didn’t want to cry in front of him so I got up after a few minutes and took my clothes into the bathroom to get dressed. When I came out I could tell he was wondering what was wrong… and I said “goodbye… I’m sorry I had to go and complicate things by asking about something so heavy as a second date”… and I just quietly left.
I texted him a few times since just to clarify my thoughts and feelings… but have not had a reply whatsoever. I seems I totally blew things with him…. is it REALLY that easy to do???? I have not dated a lot… was married a long time, then in two long-term relationships after. It’s been a year since the last, and I was finally ready to start dating. Now… I’m not so sure!March 19, 2015 at 3:44 pm #409983
The ladies on here will all tell you–don’t sleep with a man until you know his intentions.
I’m not a woman who believes in playing a game of how long to hold out. I sleep with someone when I want to but I think as much as I dislike this fact, sex does have a bonding effect for women, especially if they already like that person.
I’ve slept with a guy I don’t have feelings for, purely a physical thing and I’m fine because I don’t like him like that. It’s completely different with someone you have feelings for, even if the feelings are premature.
You’ll probably get the advice too of not having a day-long first date. Give him a couple hours and leave him wanting more. It’s hard bc if you’re having a good time YOU want to be there.
As much as I hate this, dating is a bit of a game. Sometimes you have to look at the long game.
Oh and to address your heading. You didn’t blow anything. This guy knew what kind of arrangement he wanted (FWB). His response shows he had no intention of taking you out again. Also, don’t text him anymore. Make this a lesson learned and move on.March 19, 2015 at 3:57 pm #409990
Oh sweetie. You are learning a lesson here.
A. Never sleep with someone until you are on the same page
B. Be glad to be rid of someone who says something as stupid as what he said
C. NEVER EVER EVER try to make it better by texting after what he said. You just leave and never contact him again.
Here is what you should remember. You did not blow some mythical relationship – he was never going to give that to you. You only blew at best a FWB situation that would have left you more heartbroken later. He was never going to give you what you want.
And just one last thing – never give a man a backrub until you are in a committed relationship. It is overgiving, unless he is giving you longer ones and more often.March 19, 2015 at 4:03 pm #409994
Welcome to the site. Please spend as much time as you can reading posts and articles. You have alot to learn :-)
1. NEVER have a 9 hour first date!!! You have to leave the man wanting more. There is no mystery or real incentive to do it again if you give so much time to a man before he has earned it. Rule of thumb is you keep texting short. You always end it before he does and you end the date before he does.
2. Sex on the first date can set the wrong tone. You met this man on a website. You have to understand that many men doing online are looking for casual hook ups – regardless what he tells you. Men are men and will try for sex.
I am not saying it dooms the relationship prospects, but what it does do is either tell him you are easy sex with someone you don’t even really KNOW, and it also eliminates your ability to determine his true intentions. Its usually best to see if he takes you on several dates before you give the sex. Again, make him show true intentions and make him earn it. Anticipation well exceeds immediate gratification.
3. Do not accept ‘home dates’- especially as a second ‘date.’ This means he was planning on having sex and did not feel the need to do much more than invite you over. You made it so easy YOU went to him and not the other way around. Not good. IMO a man earns the home date once he makes you a GF or at least show real intent by taking you on several dates. It’s your job to steer the man away from these. When he said he was too tired you could have said “ok.. let’s try another time so you can get some rest.’
4. The third date, which took place again at his home, is the same as what I stated above. You set the precedent that it was ok to just invite you over.
5. When you left angry at him, the reason he was in the dark about it was because you went along with what he wanted. So why would he have any reason to think you were not happy with it? You teach people how to treat you. I don’t like his comment, but at least he was clear that this was a no strings attached arrangement in his mind.
6. Don’t overload on a man via text or phone all your emotions. Men HATE drama and avoid it at all cost. Those texts made you look desperate and needy. I think what you said in person was clear enough to him. He chose to respond the way he did because he wasn’t looking for a GF or someone to actually ‘date’ and woo. You giving in so easily made him believe you were cool with it. All those texts probably turned him off completely. It’s more drama.
I don’t think you BLEW anything here in terms of this turning into a real relationship. He didn’t want one. In following the ‘rules’ above, it may not have changed anything, but it may have warned you sooner that all he wanted was a FWB.
Look at this as a learning experience … and on to the next.
Don’t be surprised if this man reaches out again at some point. Men will keep you in their phone as an option. He knows you like him, because you told him that basically when you asked for more dates. Men come back from time to time and try to get you to come over and have sex again. They don’t do it because they now want a relationship, they do it because it’s easier than trying to find a new FWB.March 19, 2015 at 4:04 pm #409995
Thank you for the response Jules. I did tell him straight up in the beginning that if he is looking for a “no strings” relationship then I am not the woman for him.
I also can not help but wonder if he was joking with his answer. It’s his personality, and more then once he has “gotten me” with saying something that he knew would totally get a rise out of me. Here’s the thing… I reacted badly…right away…and am not even sure he knew until I said why I was leaving what the problem was. And he most likely knows I was crying. (ugh)…
So, now instead of just saying…”I’m sorry, I was teasing you”… he thinks I’m a psycho fruit loop.March 19, 2015 at 4:09 pm #409997
First of all, if that was a joke, he should have told you this before you left and when you showed upset.
Second, did you ask HIM what he was looking for in general as part of dating? You said you told him what you didn’t want. did you tell him what you did want and what he was looking for?
By the way, your words did not match your actions. You TOLD him you do not do ‘no strings’ relationships and you had sex on the first date? Talk about mixed messages. You had sex with a man you met for the very first time and you expect him to take what you said seriously? Women make this mistake all the time. They talk about boundaries and then don’t follow through.
Can you blame him for thinking you were ok with just casual?March 19, 2015 at 4:37 pm #410002
Thank you for all the responses and advice. I didn’t realize dating was so incredibly difficult in terms of rules/games/tactics/etc., etc. I’ve always been more of a “go with my gut & emotions… with thought behind it… but certainly not to the extent of what I am seeing I need to be doing.
He and I talked a LOT prior to going out….asking and answering numerous questions, both personal and about likes/dislikes, hobbies, interests, etc. Our date was an evening of very intense and meaningful conversation…. he showed me his businesses, talked about his friends and family, told me about his father who passed away, we talked about many many personal experiences. He opened up to me more in one night then some boyfriends of years have!
My point is that I feel a woman who sleeps with a guy on the first date after an evening of intense, meaningful conversation that formed a bond is much more likely to have a lasting relationship than a girl who sleeps with a guy she hasn’t really formed a connection with on the fifth date.
I think I am freaking out more about my misjudgement of his character then anything else. It honestly makes me afraid to try again.March 19, 2015 at 4:43 pm #410006
I had the same experience as you…thought we had emotionally bonded…We did…for one night and one night only.
guys…live in the moment. a lot of girls don’t. just learn from this like I did. no more sleeping on the first date for me ! not unless…I know i can handle the consequences.March 19, 2015 at 4:51 pm #410012
You can’t bond via texting and one evening of talking. And men do not BOND through talking.
You are assuming he thinks like a woman. That is how women bond. Through sharing and words. But you can’t expect a man to do the same. He shared with you and that is really about all you can say.
All the texting prior to the date set you up with a false sense of attachment. He is still a man you know nothing about. It takes time and spending time together to really know who a person is. You have to see how the react in times of stress, how they treat other people, who their associate with, if their words match their actions over time. Not just based on one date.
The thing you missed was all the above. The problem with technology is that you artificially bond but it isn’t real.
This is why women practically fall in love with the man before they even meet him. In your case, you got caught up in the moment and completely let your guard down as a result of it. Never overshare with a stranger. For many reasons. Again, because you really don’t know him.
This man’s words did not match his actions. Period. That is why you can’t make an educated call on this man until you have spent time with him. You gave it all away over his pretty words. Next time make the man EARN spending this much time with you.
Dating isn’t that difficult if you understand how men think. Men do not date with the intent of getting into a relationship. Read that statement again. My husband reinforced that this is a truth. Men love their freedom, so unless you knock his socks off, he isn’t going to give that freedom up for any woman.
Men love the company of a woman and date for sex and companionship. If over time, and this usually only takes a few months, if you really WOW him, he will step up and make you a GF because he views you as ‘the one.’ But if he doesn’t, it just means he is biding his time with you.
Read articles on here regarding ‘pacing.’ As a woman, its important to let the man lead, but for you to pace it. Don’t let things move too quickly and don’t overgive or show your emotion/love cards until he expresses it first and commits to you.March 19, 2015 at 5:03 pm #410013
Hon, dating isn’t difficult at all if you understand how men think. Your statements clearly indicate you don’t get it yet. Strongly suggest you read all the articles on the site plus start looking at all the forum threads. After a lifetime of making the same mistakes over and over with men, I did a 180 after spending about 8 weeks here reading everything. And I bought Eric and Sabrina’s ebook, well worth the money.
Online dating is its own world and there are rules specific to it that you MUST learn if you are going to do it. You have to go extra slow with men you meet online.
I could write a lot more but other people already have. Just get on here and read everything and be willing to learn and change.March 19, 2015 at 5:13 pm #410015
First off he blew it with you by acting like a complete jerk.
I know you may be a bit rusty in the dating game but, I’m sure the ladies gave you some sound advice.
I’ll probably be mirroring many of the things they have said.
When you do the online dating thing take it REALLY slow. These men tend to move lightening speed and then POOF they are gone.
Also, notice that he explained how busy he was from get go, do you really want a relationship with someone so unavailable?
I know we are adults but, I still think you should wait and get to know a man for a while before you have sex with him. I prefer a committment first but, to each is own.
Lastly, if a man does go POOF let him stay gone. These guys tend to do that and then reappear. Please don’t answer his messages or take another date if he offers. It sends a very bad message and poor treatment to come.
Take the lesson from this and move on.
Best of luck to you.March 21, 2015 at 9:12 am #410444
I too am 49 and have been doing this dating thing for a year. Our stories are very sinilar. I have found that every time i sleep too soon in a relationship with a nan, he leaves. Men in our age bracket seem to have a lot of baggage and think women are going ti suddenly change after a commitment. Like exes did. It is totally unfair to us who are trying to be as real a possible. I tend to go into relationships giving too much causr i wad married so long and its a habit. You need to keep a bit of mystery. Online texting somehow affords the comfort of sharing deeper things because it feels safe. We then build a bond but the men dont. Women like words and men like action. Hope this helps. I did find someone but i had to figure some stuff out the hard way.March 21, 2015 at 10:38 am #410464
Consider yourself lucky for the knowledge in this one forum. It is quite comprehensive. :)March 21, 2015 at 10:57 am #410472
Remember that jokes hide truth in a lovely garment, that is why we laugh.
You admit that you slept with this guy before you knew his intentions. You know that was backwards for you since you said “This time I was feeling uneasy, and really needed to know his intentions. Am I just casual sex to him….or more.”
I always know a person and their intentions before I sleep with them so I am not caught in this situation….this takes time and puts the horse in front of the cart….
You have learned better if you did not already know better….I am sorry you were crying but you gave away the farm and then asked questions about the cow….do it forward next time…slow down and get to know someone…March 21, 2015 at 11:43 am #410491
Yea I’m sorry I know these lessons are hard to learn but I was very surprised to see the title of your post say “that easy to blow it” because I read your post and honestly you did everything “wrong” in terms of trying to have a real relationshipMay 22, 2020 at 10:05 pm #791441
I made a similar fumble after 4 dates. It hurts for sure. I never jumped into bed with potentials that fast when I was younger bc I was so so very unsure of myself… But I have been single by choice for a long time. Honestly after years of therapy from a bad marriage thought I was acting in my own power by not making decisions based on someone else and making decisions based on what I want. Codependent recovery right? I was only acting from my new found sense of confidence and self worth.
That being said, I think it’s utter bull. I think it’s complete nonsense that women have to suppress their own interests so that some fragile overgrown child doesn’t view her as an entitlement. You have inherent value, and this idea that we have to EARN basic human decency from a man is bull! Sure, I’ll probably remain unlucky in love unless I fall in line but I don’t want the mind games.
The masculine and feminine energies both exist in all men and women. Each of us carries that. I’m not bashing the masculine, I just see a lot of women overthinking what they did “wrong” when at the end of the day… It’s a toxic trait to use people. “Men only want one thing in the beginning”. Okay fine then… let’s call it what it is… Those are crappy humans.
Let’s all give them good lovin’ and strong vibes then hold out with the emotional connection on them. See how fast the game changes.
Ladies, the only reason it’s like this is because we play that game. We play it and then we write a gospel about it to tell other women to play it too.
Everyone start hitting it if you want to and refuse to snuggle or commit… Then see who screwed up by not keeping it in THEIR pants.
/MicdropMay 25, 2020 at 12:26 pm #791497
Thanks for sharing your story, Dee! It’s encouraging when people share their own experiences to help others learn from them and become stronger.
I appreciate it! But, this topic thread is very old. I’ll go ahead and close this out.
For anyone that encounters this topic and feels like their situation, I encourage you to start a fresh new topic and tell your story. Our community can help you sort things out and gain clarity. Best wishes!
The topic ‘Is it really THAT easy to blow it…. I really liked him’ is closed to new replies.