Is it really a work thing is there more to it?

Home Forums Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals Is it really a work thing is there more to it?

This topic contains 9 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Karen 1 year, 1 month ago.

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  • #750657 Reply


    I met this guy online like 3 months ago. He wrote me a message. I replied and over time we started to chat more frequently. He gave me his number and asked for mine and I gave him. He promised to message me but he didn’t. I messaged him on his mobile two days after and we started sending each other messages. The first time we met was awkward at first but he is such a sweetheart and has a good sense of humor and by the end of the date, we were both laughing our heads off. Now, the problem is that he would text a lot. Sometimes, it takes ages for me to reply cos i am very busy at work. When i am not, we would text back and forth. Then one day, he would just disappear for days. No texts, no activity on social media and would not appear to even use whatsapp for days. He is a criminal lawyer and he says he gets extremely busy. Most weekends, which are his free days, he says he would rather stay away from his phone and laptop and go running/ hiking/biking to detox himself and send me pictures of all sorts of things (nature-related) he saw. Also, we have had lot of last minute changes to our dates cos of his work. Whenever he is suddenly free during the week, he would beg to see me.
    Last week, we got intimate for the first time even though i typically want to know a guy for ages before that happens. He somehow jumped that loop. After our first time, he stayed at my place for hours, answering any questions i had, asking me questions and telling me about his dreams and fears.
    Days following that, he kept texting to check up on me (despite the fact he said he isn’t a fan of texting). On Saturday, he wished me a great day. I replied him but till today, he hasn’t replied. The last time he was online on whatsapp was when he sent that message.
    On Sunday, i jokingly asked if aliens had gotten him but still no reply.

    Are lawyers this hard to date or is there something more to this?

    #750658 Reply


    I’d suspect he has 2 phones and he uses this one to text other girls, he might have a gf or he could be that he is really busy,but men usually have all sorts of group chats on whatsapp so no it is not possible to not check his phone.

    the only option here is , he uses 2 phones

    #750660 Reply


    Yes, lawyers can be that busy, especially if he is a trial lawyer.

    Did you have any discussion about exclusivity BEFORE you did the deed, or are you now assuming that he’s your BF because you had sex?? Because if you didn’t, he could still be dating other women from the site.

    #750667 Reply


    I thought he might have 2 phones as well.
    English isn’t his native language and i have seen his phone cos sometimes, he reaches for it when he is stuck on a word. Always same phone. I know this doesn’t really mean he doesn’t have another.

    when we are together, he seems 100% focused on me. I have had to apologize a couple of times for reading messages or taking calls while we are together.

    just before having sex, he asked if we were now in a relationship and if I was now his girlfriend as i had told him that sex for me was only in the confines of a real exclusive relationship. i told him it was a weird time to ask that.

    He told me that i was the only girl he was interested in from the site. I obviously don’t know how true that is. However, the last time he was online on the site was 2 days before we met last week. i just checked again.

    #750668 Reply


    my sister had similar situation she was just texting so no meeting no sex etc a guy who disappeared on the weekends or in the evenings, sometimes for 4 days as he was working shifts. later on he admitted he was using work’s phone to message her and other girls only because he had and still has a gf, but she was not living with him at that time…

    #750671 Reply


    Its really hard to judge a guy’s Interest level based on texting habits especially when he isnt a texter and is busy. From what you are saying he sort of asked you to be his gf before sex, but that could also be a line to seal the deal. After that he texted some random stuff, last on saturday and on sunday you asked where he is. So thats 2 days ago and the workweek started. I think you have to see if he reaches out again. To me it does sound a bit like casually dating, based on the fact he is not very consistent and asks you out or to hang out last minute. To judge a guy you have to really look at his efforts to spend time with you. If he doesnt in the following days then i guess he isnt that interested. If he does just go with the flow but dont always accept last minute dates. Make plans and dont sit around
    Lastly, there are many stressful jobs and as many excuses to have stressful jobs but i guess being a trial lawyer is actually a demanding and time consuming job with many last minute things to do but also with free time in between

    #750674 Reply


    Thanks everyone.

    Ewa, what happened to your sister is terrible! On FB, his status is single. All his pictures are of himself doing sporty things or hanging out with male friends. So deep down, i really do think he is single. Again, who knows!

    Newbie, to meet with me, he actually has to drive a little over an one hour each way so i guess that says a lot of the effort he puts in. As i am quite busy myself, i do not always accept his request to meet last minute even if he pleads to the moon and back cos i will not cancel my plans. Also, he has a habit of showing up later than planned when the dates actually happen. he is never able to meet at 6pm (which i understand). he says the earliest he can meet is 7:30pm but in reality, he shows up later than that. I try not to get annoyed with the fact that he always keeps me waiting due to the fact that he drives that distance, insists on dropping me off and driving back over one hour to his home.

    Anyway, i will wait to see if he messages me. I guess i just expected him to send a simple good morning. Guess my expectations changed and his did not :(

    #750702 Reply


    I dated a criminal defence barrister for a couple of months last year.

    I found that during trial, he certainly wouldn’t text during the day, as they go into the robing room to put on their wigs and capes and leave all their personal possessions there.

    However, he’d be in touch in the evening, and was consistent with his pattern of contact and the frequency of dates.

    He did find his work emotionally draining (defending sex offenders, murderers) so sometimes would want to have space to wrestle with his moral dilemmas (is it a win if you get a paedophile you think did it, a not guilty verdict?!); and during trial he’d often be suddenly landed with enormous documents and case files to read, process and respond to overnight if he was doing to appropriately defend his client.

    I think your guy sounds more casual, and I would caution that people who debate and orate for a living are very persuasive liars.

    #750720 Reply


    He got what he wanted, so now he is taking it slow?

    #750722 Reply


    I don’t understand why you didn’t follow your own rules and have the conversation about being a gf before you had sex. I too think he just brought it up before sex to seal the deal. If you haven’t formally agreed to being bf and gf than you aren’t. Which is why you have different expectations after sex and he may not. It’s really a bad idea to set a boundary and then have you yourself break it. It shows the guy you don’t really mean what you say.

    I would have a discussion about this topic before your next sex session or you will end up being fwb.

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