Is it over forever?

Totally agree with Liz! That text you want to write comes off excessively desperate and needy to the point I would not respond to it if I already stopped responding because its my way of saying “I have no desire to reconnect with you.”

He’s not close to being OK. Grief, especially when losing not only a relationship but then the deaths of friends can take a long time for someone to feel OK again. I know because I’ve had some very good long-term friends handle it the way he did, retreat into themselves and not want to connect or remain connected others while they dealt with their grief in the way THEY needed to deal with it. It took over two years for one my good friends to feel OK enough to reach out and reconnect after suffering two major losses; his best friend who was killed by a drunk driver and then his only daughter. Even then he would be OK for a bit and then spiral backwards, go to a dark place, and pull back again. Our friendship has and never will be the same because he’s changed in ways that has scarred him for life.

As a hospital worker I’m sure you’ve seen the grief and sorrow of those who have lost loved ones. Its the same for him and it will be a long time, at least a year or two before he will feel OK enough to venture into romantic realm again. He may test himself to see where’s he at emotionally but I bet you 10-1 he’s not in a relationship, and is not close to being in one anytime soon. He will go on a date here and there, pull back, not date for a bit, then try it again. This is most likely where he is mentally and will remain this way for quite a long while until HE feels ready which will be on his timeline, not yours.

Leave him be, let him heal, and don’t expect him to return again in the romantic way, as he will be in a very different headspace than he was when you met him. When he eventually gets to the other side (in a better place) he will want to move forward with someone new and fresh, not someone he was seeing during his darkest hours and using as a crutch to try and quell some of the pain and sorrow he was trying to cope and deal with during a very difficult time in his life. I hope this gives you the closure and clarity you need to end any hope of him coming back that you are still clinging onto.

I just wanted to compliment all the thoughtful, well-reasoned, well-written advice here. Priceless counsel.

Well done. It’s hard – when something ends, we crave closure.

But you tried. You gave it your best shot – it’s scary to make yourself vulnerable and take the first move. His response was the kindest way he could let you knwo that he just wasn’t ready to be with you and that he needs his space.

Jenniger – LEAVE IT ALONE. It doesn’t matter. This is over. Stop ruminating about it.

If anything, I would translate his comment about having a “weird” day as him saying “I’m in a weird headspace now and don’t want to engage with you”. The last thing a man would tell a woman he’s interested in talking to is how weird or bad his day is.

Please stop!

The fact you keep reaching out looking for A CRUMB of any interest from him is not doing you, or him, any good! I know you’re struggling because you believed there was ‘a connection’ but the hard cold truth is he didn’t feel the connection the way you did, and is not thinking about you, the way you are him.

Want to know what he’s thinking about a good part of the day? He’s thinking about his ex, he’s thinking about the friends he lost, he’s thinking of how he’s going make it day-by-day without them in his life. They are no longer present in his life, and right now, a big part of him has gone with them. Until he can properly grieve, heal, and not feel the deep loss he’s feeling today, tomorrow, and the next day until enough TIME has passed where they slowly, over time, begin to fade, and the pain doesn’t hurt so much. Its a long process that can easily take a year or more, which is wholly dependent upon not only how much he loved or deeply cared for them, but how much he misses them. The closer they were, the harder the grief.

Those are the people who are in the forefront of his mind—the ones he’s thinking about a good part of his day.

Leave him be. Stop forcing this, as the more you keep forcing it, he’s eventually going to stop being Mr. Nice Guy and do something harsh, such as keeping you on read, forever. Your struggles with him aren’t even close to what he’s going through right now, as he has a long history (years) with them, not you, and those are the people his primary thoughts (long-term memories) automatically goes to most of time, when he’s not focused on something else (work, activity, etc.) He needs to go through this process, not runaway, hide or bury them, or it takes a person a lot longer to heal if they avoid or ignore the grieving process.

I’m really sorry this happened to you because I know it royally sucks when you connect with someone who isn’t ready, or able, to connect in the same way. I do hope in the future that you don’t fall so quick and fast with a guy who has these kind of ‘issues’ (ending a relationship/loss of best friends, etc.) going on his life when you meet, so you don’t end up suffering from his issues too. Be kind to him, and yourself, by letting him go so he can properly grieve, and you can find a man who’s fully emotionally and mentally ready to give you the kind of connection and love you’re seeking.