Is he over his ex?


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This topic contains 25 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  A 1 week, 4 days ago.

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  • #759916 Reply

    Rue

    Hi there. I’ve been casually dating a man since June and a few weeks ago he mentioned that he still has many of his exes items at his home as well as her cat. In that moment I thought about it I would help my ex if he needed it so I didn’t overthink.

    Fast forward to our last date on Friday night. Go figure he still has her cat and belongings. I asked if he was ready to date or would like to remain friends he stated that he has moved on and really enjoys my company and would love to take me out again. I am hesitant because I was cheated on in my last relationship with his ex… so I told him how would he feel if I had my exes things and he admitted it would be weird and he’s trying to return everything.

    I thought about everything for a couple of nights and I don’t think this is someone who is ready for a new relationship. I am just curious on your opinion. For reference I am 27 and he is 33!

    #759919 Reply

    Newbie

    I dont think the items and the cat are that significant in that he is not over his ex. What is more telling to me that after 2-3 months of dating he doesnt sound like a guy in love with you. Saying he enjoys your company and likes to date you, sounds casual to me. If the break up was recent its highly likely you are a rebound, not necessarily he isnt over his ex

    #759922 Reply

    Rue

    Newbie — that makes sense but I’m not in love with him either. That wasn’t my question per say, were taking thinks incredibly slow we have had zero intimacy. I really want to kiss him and I don’t feel like he’s ready. In the past few months we’ve only gone on a few dates, because of travel work and family visiting. But I’m starting to feel like an option the majority of his free time is spent with friends, I’m not sure if this is something I can voice without sounding like I am upset. I hope that makes sense

    #759923 Reply

    Omg

    He hasn’t kissed you in 3 months? That isn’t going slow. That sounds like a platonic situation. He’s not that into you.

    #759928 Reply

    Newbie

    Yes it does sound you’re an option to him and not keen on stepping up. There is nothing you can do here. Your gut is already telling you he is not that into you. Listen to that and let the guy go and date others

    #759931 Reply

    Rue

    We’ve only gone on 3 dates. I didn’t think it was that far fetched, it hasn’t even been 2 months we met at the end of June

    #759932 Reply

    Rue

    We’ve only gone on 3 dates. I didn’t think it was that far fetched, it hasn’t even been a full 2 months we met at the end of June

    #759959 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    It strikes me that you are very anxious about whether he has feelings for his ex, when this is only a casual relationship– you haven’t kissed, and you have only seen each other 3 times in 1.5 months.

    If he is choosing to spend the majority of his free time with his friends (as you say), and not making more effort to see you, that says a lot. On the one had you say you have only seen each other 3 times because of work and family obligations; on the other hand you’re saying you feel like you’re an “option” because he spends most of his free time with his friends. So you contradict yourself.

    My point is, I don’t think his feelings about his ex are that relevant in this situation. Not to sound harsh but he does not sound like he’s that into you. I don’t think this is even “taking it incredibly slow”. It’s just not going anywhere. So whether or not he has feelings for his ex are beside the point. He isn’t interested in pursuing anything with you, I don’t think.

    I agree with the other posters that you should move on because you seem like you’re investing feelings in this guy (which is why you’re worried about his feelings for his ex), when he does not seem to be reciprocating the feelings. This is just my two cents.

    #759970 Reply

    Rue

    Hi Liz — I haven’t contradicted myself. I made it very clear that we both had things going on when we first met. Now that both of our schedules have calmed we have gone on 3 dates.

    He is more laid back then I am used to. But he makes sure to end every date telling me that he enjoyed my company and would like to take me out again if I am ok with that. But then goes silent for a couple of days when he returns he will text me all day and night. But something just feels off and I can’t tell if it’s my insecurities or that he really isn’t as interested in a relationship as I am.

    #759972 Reply

    Rue

    Liz — I’m unsure if you are reading everything but I clearly stated why I am so anxious about his ex. I’m so over the negative feedback, why is it so hard to write something positive without putting the original poster down?

    #759973 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    I was going off what you wrote: “But I’m starting to feel like an option the majority of his free time is spent with friends, I’m not sure if this is something I can voice without sounding like I am upset.”
    That’s why I said it was contradictory (you explained that you have only had 3 dates in this period of time because of work/family; but at the same time, he spends a great deal of time with friends; so he has time for his friends but not for you).

    It’s only been 3 dates. It’s early. It’s hard to know if he is over his ex or not without knowing details. How long were they together? How long ago did they break up? Has he dated other people since then or are you the first?

    I understand you’re anxious, but if he’s laid back you will just need to try to calm down and see how things play out. Try not to think “relationship” this early on or you will get all worked up (which you already have) and you could very well scare the guy away. You’re just getting to know each other at this point. It won’t help to fixate on a relationship this early in the game. I think most people here would agree with that.

    In my experience a guy that wants a relationship, or wants to get serious, wants to see you as much as he can at the beginning. He wants to win you over and make sure other guys don’t win you over first. That’s why myself and the other posters here have said it doesn’t sound like he’s that into you. But maybe this guy is taking it slow for some reason. You just have to wait and see if he continues asking you out, but be relaxed about it & don’t obsess over whether it will lead to a relationship this early on.

    #759975 Reply

    Omg

    You only had three actual dates and are stressing about him. The criticism is based on the fact you already decided you want a relationship with a man you don’t even really know. He’s the smart one. Why would he pick you after only three actual dates? You shouldn’t be anxious about an ex. The real issue is that he isn’t that into you because the lack of dates, and not texting, shows low interest. Three dates in 2.5 months is pathetic.

    #759979 Reply

    kaye

    I find it really strange a man hasn’t kissed you in 3 dates! The only time a guy hasn’t kissed me on the first date is when I didn’t let him! Do you know how long they were together and how long it’s been since they broke up? Also I assume they were living together for him to have the cat. I can’t imagine someone leaving their cat when they moved out. Doesn’t seem like something a woman would do unless maybe he gave it to her as a gift but even then I would think she would be more attached to it than him.

    Without knowing how long it’s been it’s hard to say if he’s ready for a new relationship or not. But if he’s not kissing you and showing you zero intimacy I would assume he’s not over the ex or he’s not attracted to you. Either way I would be done. 3 dates in 6 weeks is super low interest.

    #759980 Reply

    Omg

    The guy won’t even kiss you. Wake up already!

    #759983 Reply

    Rue

    They were together a little over a year and broke up in June. I was with my ex for about 3 years and broke up around the same. He’s gentle it’s very different than what I am used to my ex planned everything in advance and early on made sure I knew he liked me.

    I can’t tell if he’s taking his time but he did say she struggled with addiction and was recently released from rehab. After a few drinks he rambled about their relationship being co-dependent and how he didn’t want that. But the fact that I had to come here makes me want to text him and just ask to be friends.

    #759985 Reply

    Omg

    You make zero sense. Lol.. you have to go see him. He won’t even kiss you.

    #759991 Reply

    Rue

    What? I never said I was going to see anyone. Your reading comprehension skills are sad at OMG.

    Here as in the website… smh sucks to be a dummy judging random people on the internet

    #759994 Reply

    Omg

    3 dates in two months. No kissing. And he would rather be with friends than you. What aren’t you getting here?

    #759995 Reply

    Omg

    No judgement. You simply write out what is going on and can’t figure out for yourself he isn’t into you.

    #759999 Reply

    Rue

    You are an idiot OMG

    #760002 Reply

    Omg

    No. You are. For dating a guy who rarely sees you won’t kiss you and you excuse it all on an ex. Who cares his ex was in rehab? What does that have to do with you? Go for it. Keep investing in a guy who clearly isn’t invested in you. Women post in here all the time already knowing the answer. You want some validation that he will fall for you and it’s just an ex thing. Yet you even stated he rather be with friends than you you. There is your answer. I’m realistic and not an idiot.

    #760005 Reply

    Liz Lemon

    They were together just over a year, and broke up in June, but you started dating him in June? So you started dating immediately after he ended a long-term relationship.

    He’s not ready to date. Let this one go. He’s had zero time to recover from his breakup.

    And you were with your ex for 3 years and broke up around the same time (June)? You aren’t ready to date either! Give yourself some time. This is why you’re so anxious about cementing a relationship with this guy. You aren’t over your breakup. You can’t just replace one guy with another, and hop from one relationship into another. Give yourself a chunk of time to get over your previous relationship. At least 6 months if not more.

    #760006 Reply

    Omg

    Not ready to date? He won’t even kiss lmao.

    #760008 Reply

    Rue

    Liz — I honestly think you are right. It feels good to have a friend to talk to but then I get super anxious if it crosses the line as more than friends. I’ve been doing therapy maybe I should just focus on therapy and myself, this guy is super nice and we have a lot in common maybe later on down the line we can date or at the very least be friends.

    #760119 Reply

    A

    I just done with a similar situation. We were hanging out, just kissing, not honking up, but it felt very casual to me as well. We were both attracted to each other, but neither of us ever developed feelings. We both as well had just gotten out of a relationship. I think right now this guy is just trying to pass time and keep himself occupied. Romantically, he’s not ready to move on and he knows it. This is why he hasn’t kissed you yet. I really don’t think this has anything to do with you, it’s more him. I think there’s probably some attraction to you on his end, but he is still mourning his past relationship to move forward with you. I would let this one go. Move on to someone who gives you more attention and who is more ready to date.

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