Home › Forums › Dating and Sex Advice › Is he only interested in sex
- This topic has 3 replies and was last updated 3 years, 6 months ago by
Lane.
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Jesse
I met a guy back in June who was going through a divorce. We hit it off and it seemed like things were going well, but after 3 amazing dates he told me he was afraid he’d hurt me and wasn’t ready for a relationship. I thanked him for his honesty and we continued to flirt throughout the summer but kept it casual. His divorce is about to be final (house sold etc) and suddenly he showed up at my house with wine said nice things yada yada we slept together. He spent the weekend coming and going from my place but then I went on a roadtrip for 2 weeks. Throughout it he has been calling everyday, but I’m about to come home and instead of asking me out, he mostly talks about wanting to sleep with me. He’s said he misses me and said he’s been thinking, asked about my birthday because he’s “bad at these things”
He seems to like me but I’m worried he is more interested in sex than an actual relationship. Since I’ve already slept with him, is there a way to pull back and ensure that this not all about sex, or is this just a case of insecure guy trying to show affection? How do I go back to it being more than just about sex?
Liz Lemon
You’re barking up the wrong tree if you think you’re going to get this guy into a relationship. He literally just got divorced. This is a rebound for him. He is going to need time to process the divorce and heal. It’s common for men to throw themselves into dating during/right after a divorce because they’re used to female companionship. But they are not in a mental or emotional place for a serious relationship, they’re just not. They need time to be alone and to work through their feelings about the divorce. They need to sow their oats. How long was he married?
To answer your question, I think you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. You need to look at it realistically. This is a man who is freshly divorced and is not going to be able to give you a relationship. So yes, it’s probably about sex for him. You won’t be able to move him into serious relationship territory at this point. If you want an “actual relationship”, which I assume you do or else you would not be asking– he is not your guy.
Elvira
Hi Jesse
The fact he is recently divorced is a huge red flag. It seems he is interested in sex since he is newly “single” and is looking to have fun. Can you blame him? The fact you already had sex with him shows him your OK with sex with no commitment, reason he feels comfortable bringing it up. If this is not the relationship you want “casual” then let him know and don’t have sex with him anymore. Explain to him your OK seeing each other but sex is not on the table until you get to know each other on a deeper level. Which is going to be hard since you already had sex and I think he will continue to push for it. Honestly I think it is way too soon for him to be in a relationship. I would suggest you back off and let him enjoy his freedom.Lane
Once you take Pandora out of the box, you can’t put her back in. If this guy hasn’t emotionally bonded to you (fallen in love) then holding off on sex isn’t going to change it.
Men don’t fall in love whether they are having sex with you or not. Men fall in love because you have what I call the *it factor* which can be tangible, intangible or both that makes you stand way out if front of all the other ladies he meets on a daily basis. If you don’t have it, then no amount of sex or no sex is going to get him there. It either there or it isn’t. Its that black and white.
I would stop focusing on the sexual part and carefully LISTEN to what he say’s or tells you. BELIEVE THE NEGATIVES. If he say’s anything along the lines of “I’m not looking for anything serious” and is doing nothing to wrangle you into a relationship then you walk away, period.
They say for every 5 years it takes a year to recover—its so true! Some can take longer depending upon how contentious the divorce and post divorce relationship with the ex is, and if there are kids involved as that’s a whole other dynamic at play. The harder the divorce, the harder it is to recover and will intentionally remain single for a lot longer because their heart is walled up to the point they won’t allow anyone to enter. Its case by case of course but I hardly doubt he’s ready to go down that road anytime soon being that he’s had little to no time to be single.
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