Home › Forums › Complicated Situation / Mixed Signals › Is he avoidant or…?
- This topic has 5 replies and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by
Lia.
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Lia
Hello again,
I posted a few weeks ago about my situation (almost a year together, he never talks about his feelings, doesn’t make much room in his life and projects for me, works like crazy and never does anything fun, never takes me out on dates). I was bored as hell alone at his house in a far away country from mine, so I went back to my home country, following your advices. You also said that I should end this, and I tried, but without much success. He wanted to know why and fought back a lot to convince me to stay with him. He declared his feelings, told me he loves me while crying, that he really wanted to keep going, to see me again, to have projects together… He never told me he loves mee again though.
And I love him so I couldn’t say no. He said everything I wanted and needed to hear. He promised he would try to visit me in october if he could afford it, or otherwise, a little bit later. I could go back to his country and visit him but I want him to do this step for me first.
And he suddenly changed all his work plans, for a reason that doesn’t really make sense for me. So he cancelled his contract in September and he takes the whole month off, and of course now he can’t come to see me in October. He said he will come in January, that he will have more money and more time to spend here with me. I just don’t get it.
He also seems depressed, he doesn’t seem to do much of his days and he is losing interest too. I’m trying hard to find topics that could interest him but he barely reacts and lets me do all the talking (he calls me everyday). I don’t feel like talking of deeper personal stuff because of this lack of apparent interest. Not sure if he is depressed, if I should support him, gives him space, or stay away? He is always fine when I ask.
He just confuses me so much and I find myself dreaming of a loving, caring man that would move mountains to be with me, and to plan a future with me. I’m very anxious by nature and a bit of an overthinker and I don’t know if it’s my expectations that are too high and unrealistic or if it’s just doomed.
Why is he trying so hard to keep me when I want to walk away?
And hurting him when I try to walk away hurts so much, too .. this is the last thing I want to do.
I’m feeling stuck. This is the first time I feel so unhappy and lonely with a person I love so much.Lane
Why are you unable to detach yourself from this dysfunction? Why are you trying so hard to force a square peg into a round hole? Your *co-dependency* is at a very toxic level and if your unable to snap out of it, then you are going to alone and sad for as long as YOU keep pushing this non-relationship.
Its not our job to fix him. Its your job to fix yourself as you have a lot of inner work to do before you will be mentally capable of being in a healthy relationship. You really need to STOP this self torture. If he really loved you he would do everything in his power to be with you! That’s what a man “in love” does for a woman they are deeply in love with. He doesn’t love you. He loves the attention you give him but that’s all it is, attention seeking behavior.
The male energy is GIVING, the female energy is RECEIVING. You are the man in this relationship by doing ALL the giving and he’s doing zip other than TAKING (receiving) what you are giving him. By continuing to engage with him, he has ZERO incentive to do anything because he doesn’t have to, you’re the one doing all the work and heavy lifting while he gets to sit back and feed you plates of bullcrap (all talk, zero action and empty promises)!
Like they say “a form of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again, yet expecting a different result.” There has be zero results, no change and still running on the same hamster wheel going nowhere. At what point do you finally say to yourself “I am tired of the insanity, its high time I spend all my energy on fixing and taking care of me”??? Purely up to YOU, not him, to jump off the insanity train and end this charade.
Newbie
But you are back in your home country now? Going to university in september i hope. From what i recall this has happened a few times now where he loses interest, you pull back, he steps up and falls back again. Im sure he loves you but its not enough. And now when he is off again, you are actually doing the work trying to keep him interested. Thats the world upside down. If i remember right he will get into a fancy school next year so he knows how to create his own future. But visit you once is totally unpredictable. There is nothing to go on. Its up to you to break up with him or not. I mean to him it doesnt matter much since he doesnt have to do anything to keep you interested except to cry once a year about not losing you. I know i sound harsh here but i really hope you start up back home and fully grasp whats ahead for you. It was up to him to keep you aboard. He failed. He is probably a good guy but its just too complicated
Raven
Lia, how is this not exhausting?!
K
Is he avoidant? No YOU ARE.
You are working very hard to avoid the fast that this guy didn’t step up for you. You refuse to accept this one didn’t work out. You’ll stop when you stop making it about him and look at YOURSELF. You’re bending over backwards doing all the work to keep jump starting a dead relationship because you just won’t let go.
He didn’t want to see you in October. He’s coming in January. NO he is not. There will be another excuse.
At some point you are going to have to bite the bullet and feel all your feelings, which you’re working like hell to dodge. It’s going to hurt, but on the other side is your freedom and connection to yourself – because you’ve thrown yourself away to stay in this – and eventually the right man for you.
Lia
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. That really helps me to see the insanity of this situation and how wrong and hopeless it is. And how I’m playing a big part in this disaster too
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Yes it is exhausting and I can’t understand why it’s so hard for me to end it.
Reading your messages made me see the situation more objectively, and a part of me really wants to get out of it now.
I can see more and more clearly that he is bored, lonely and probably depressed and just does the minimum to keep me hooked. You weren’t harsh in your statements about him or myself, just real.
He got me so angry because we were talking about work and wages, and he told me how much he enjoys to be able to afford to take 2 months off whenever he wants it (and right now, by the way). So enough money for time off but none to come and visit me. It was like rubbing in my face that I’m not a priority for him.
But I can’t still make up my mind to break up with him, the idea of inflicting him pain is unbearable for a reason I can’t identify.
I took an appointment with a counsellor soon to help me navigate through this experience and I’m working on myself to end this as soon as possible. -
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