This topic contains 8 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Newbie 5 months, 2 weeks ago.
January 11, 2019 at 11:43 am #735740
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year, he is 16 years older than me, I am 30, he is a great man, but he has a problem that I don’t quite understand, is the fact that he tends from once in a while to mention past women that he either went out with or almost had something with.
I am asking for opinions because I find this a bit weird in the sense that he says for example, yesterday he mentioned me this woman he almost went out with, who happened to have died and he just found out yesterday, the funny thing is that he found out in his facebook, but I investigated and this woman had died in march 2018 and he happened to find out yesterday and thinks she died recently.
This is weird, either he didn’t know or he was just looking to caught my attention, I just acted normal like : oh wow, so sad, poor thing!, and then he says: So sad, I’m sad, I mean I did not, have anything with her but we almost did, but I realized she was not what I was looking for, she was clean from past drug issues but for being 27 she already had heart issues.I met her grandma and she loved me.
This was years ago, but what is the point of him telling me all this, I don’t even know this woman. Does he like or enjoy constant attention or is his purpose is to make me feel some sort of way?? The only time you talk about a real ex or wife or whatever is at the beginning of a relationship and then you close that door for good and move on with your new relationship, but I can see that some people (men or women) still throughout a new relationship like to bring these topics about who they dated, who did what, this or that. Why is this? Is this insecurity, the need to feel with power? What is it really?January 11, 2019 at 11:59 am #735748
Yes you are insecure. The man is 16 years only than you and he has a past. He found out a friend of his died and he tells you about it. It wasn’t to get your attention or make you feel a certain way. He was sharing something that happened in his life with you. It’s not weird. I wanted my boyfriend/husband to be my best friend. If he had something going on that made him sad I would want him to share it with me, not hold it in because he thought I would be upset hearing about an ex.
She died at 27, that is unusual so he shared it with you. Now you’re being insecure and thinking he’s trying to get some kind of reaction out of you. And what is this nonsense you have of only talking about exes at the beginning of a relationship? There are things my husband has shared with me about his ex wife that he only opened up about years into our relationship. You don’t dump a whole bunch of ex crap on someone at the beginning of a relationship! That’s just crazy! And there are things about my ex husband I have only told my current husband recently because I wanted him to understand some things about me. And he was happy to learn it because it gave him an insight into me he didn’t have before. But it’s certainly not something I would share with a guy I’ve only started dating. You have to establish a level of trust and vulnerability with someone first.
Personally I think this is YOUR problem and something you need to work on. Nothing you’ve said here was inappropriate or excess. You say he only does this every once in a while over a year. He’s no constantly bringing up exes, comparing you to them or trying to make you jealous. This sounds like normal behavior and you need to work on why it makes you feel the way it does.January 11, 2019 at 11:59 am #735747
???? You’re making a mountain out of nothing. It was a comment in passing, nothing more. Power down.January 11, 2019 at 12:15 pm #735752
You say, ‘I’m sorry to hear this” & then on to the next convo…January 11, 2019 at 12:25 pm #735754
Personally I think when a guy does this it’s just because he operates without a filter and is a bit clueless about the effect his words have. And he speaks to you like he would a friend. I’m not sure I would think much more of it unless you sense other things going on in your relationship.
But if it bothers you, talk to him about it. I don’t like when guys talk about previous women either but when they get older and tell stories about their past, it gets harder to talk about it without them mentioning who they were with (or you can surmise on your own).
But that facebook story seems weird. Why was he even looking for her? Talking [TO YOU] about the specific relationship and why she wasn’t good for him just seems like he’s a bit clueless.January 11, 2019 at 12:32 pm #735755
I don’t necessarily agree with the others, but only from experience. If this sort of thing happens all the time and this was only one example, then yes, it is a red flag. Yellow at the least. My ex did this to illicit a jealous response out of me…all the time. But I did find that if I glazed over it and didn’t give him the response he wanted, it happened less. (Then he moved to other tactics to gaslight me.) But back to the topic at hand: So, I wouldn’t worry over one instance, obviously. Don’t let him know it bothered you. But if it is a pattern, then it’s not you or your insecurity. It’s his and then it’s time for re-evaluation.January 11, 2019 at 5:19 pm #735812
Better off single
My guess is. He’s opening up and confiding in you. Quit making a huge deal out of it.January 11, 2019 at 5:34 pm #735816
I think that if it happened only in relation to some cataclysmic situations like death of a young person, then it is natural to talk about it.
But if he does bring various “past” experiences all the time, especially with the flavour that hints at his greatness (she liked this or that about me, she was great at this or that, etc), then it is a yellow flag.
This guy is 46, you are 30, the other women who died was 27. Has he been married before? He is going after MUCH younger women for what reason?
If he has never been married, then my answer to your question “Is this insecurity, the need to feel with power? ” – would YES it is, on his part.January 11, 2019 at 6:38 pm #735826
I agree with Emma. Your example was not a good one. A guy i crushed on died a year ago and that really upset me and im sure i shared that with my guy.
But if he tends to do this frequent with additives he didnt fancy her because she was this and that, it kind of shows how awesome he wante to present himself. And that may very well be a form of insecurity. But that doesnt matter to him, im sure. This is more about you and him. Does he pick om you from time to time, comments your looks now and then, treats you more like an accessory in stead of an equal partner etc. Than i would seriously reconsider the relationship unless you want to be a trophy wife. But you didnt disclose much on that topic so i guess thats for you to find out