In love with friend :/

I met this guy a year ago through a mutual friend and was instantly attracted. We ran into each other a few times but nothing ever happened. I liked him but I was kind of seeing other people. I’m not sure how he felt about me but we always ended up in the corner at parties chatting for hours.

One day I ran into him when out with friends and he said he needed to find a new place to live. He was having trouble finding something. I was drunk I said maybe he could take my friend’s room as she was moving out. I didn’t think he’d actually take up the offer but he did.

We now live together and became incredibly close. He hangs out with me 90% of the time, if I go out with friends he hits me up to see if he can join. Cooking together, going out for dinner, met the family etc. Most people observe this and wonder if there’s something going on because we are like two peas in a pod. Both single, both 30s, I can stay up and talk to him for hours and hours.

When he first moved in, I really started to fall for him. I had the opportunity to bring this guy back to the apartment one night but I chose not to because of him.

But then one day he invited this “lady friend” over to his room. I felt deflated…so I distanced myself from him. She came over maybe once every two to three weeks just for sex I guess. They used to date, but he broke it off and now they just hook up. Sometimes he will say things like, “I invited my friend over, I shouldn’t have done that”. I actually felt bad for her in a way, because I realized that he was doing all the “date” type stuff with me but only sleeping with her. And I realized…I had been that girl with someone else. This other guy had strung me along for a year just doing “Netflix and chill” but never involving me in his life, so I ended that.

Anyway I distanced myself from him a bit and successfully buried my feelings. Still friends, but I just did my own thing a lot more. At one point I looked for other places to live on my own but realistically it was too expensive for me to move. When out I’d say he would treat me like a friend, going as far as to hit on other women but never actually being successful/bringing any of them home. For a long time it didn’t bother me.

Then more recently, he got ill. Very ill for over a month with mystery pain. Lots of hospital visits and I basically became full time caregiver. We have another roommate but my other roommate isn’t around that much. Anyway, we got very close and his family were grateful for me looking after him. It came naturally to me because deep down, I love him and would do anything for him. We got so close that he would say it’s fine to sleep in his bed. So I did. No sex, just sleeping.

More recently his mother visited and said to me privately “we want him to marry you, really”. I didn’t say anything. I was too afraid to tell her that I like him in case she passed the info on and everything got awkward. In hindsight, maybe I should have just told her I’m attracted to him.

Anyway, we were spending every day together, until one day I went out with some friends during the day for drinks. I had a great time but wanted to get back to the house to watch the game with him. Thats our thing. On the way back I noticed the texts were just one word answers. I asked if he wanted me to pick up food…he said his lady friend came over with cookies so he’s good. We could watch the game together in his room. When I got home, I walked in, and she was there. I thought he said came over PAST tense, not IS over. I said hi, walked out and went into my room and cried. He hadn’t seen her for weeks, and I don’t know why on earth he would think I would want to watch in his room with his f*** buddy.

Anyway, he knows something is bothering me because I could barely look him in the eye and he asked my other roommate if there was something wrong. She said yes but didn’t tell him what. I honestly don’t know how to handle the situation. I went out yesterday evening just so

If I say anything I risk awkwardness because it’s my roommate and best friend.

I can’t figure out whether he knows I like him and has just never been attracted to me, whether it’s the risky roommate thing, or whether he just has no idea how I feel. Would you just try to go back to normal and just treat it as a friendship? Would you have a conversation? Would you become less available and go on dates with other people?