Home › Forums › Break Up Advice › I'm Still Here?
- This topic has 7 replies and was last updated 3 years, 1 month ago by
tammy.
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Rebecca
I broke up with a guy. I asked him if he was mad or upset, because I felt it was a mutual thing. He said, I, I um, I understand. That was his answer. Then he emailed me and said I am still here if you need me. Our biggest issue was a lack of communication and attention. Am I overthinking the fact that maybe he didn’t want the breakup and wants me to know I am still there when I come around or is he just being nice?
During the conversation, I got the vibe that he didn’t really care.. kinda of like, uh huh, ok I understand.. but he’s also an extreme avoidant.
THIS right here is what always caused our issues, he is avoidant and I am anxious and we dont mesh well.Anderson
Just remember it’s irrelevant if he’s being nice or waiting for you to come around. Those are solid reasons to break up so stay on it.
What’s more important is how do you feel about his reaction, or lack thereof, to the breakup?
Lane
Sounds like you solved your own issue. Its best to not keep trying to force a square peg in a round hole—save’s you a lot of frustration :o)
Newbie
Im always a bit suspicious when a woman states here his communication lacked as i feel a lot have unrealistic expectations about communications as they want the bf ti chat like a gf and they dont see how a guy actually communicates.
But Lets assume you followed your gut and sensed he wasnt all that interested i would say his comeback: im still here doesnt make much of an impressions except, well good for you couch potato.
So let him be there and you… elsewhereMaddie
“Am I overthinking the fact that maybe he didn’t want the breakup and wants me to know I am still there when I come around or is he just being nice?”
Doesn’t matter. If you “come around,” exactly zero has changed. The relationship frustrations that led to you deciding to break up with him will repeat. You did the right thing ending a relationship that wasn’t satisfying basic needs. The anxious-avoidant dynamic is called a trap for good reason and very rarely resolves, because it takes sometimes years of both partners doing focused and painful but independent work to get past it.
Attachment issues are caused earlier in life, certainly before you met each other. You didn’t cause his avoidance, so you can’t fix or change it (only he can if he is deeply motivated to, and he’s clearly shown he’s not). Just like he can’t fix or change your underlying attachment concerns. Work on your side of things and feel confident moving on from what you already know doesn’t mesh… the less anxious and more secure you get in the future, the less you’ll be attracted to extremely avoidant men, and the better the quality level of your relationships will get.
Anderson
@Newbie “Im always a bit suspicious when a woman states here his communication lacked as i feel a lot have unrealistic expectations”
Very possible. But I’d say it’s more so standards/compatibility instead of unrealistic expectations. And it’s often warranted as it can often reflect how much someone’s into you
Queenie
I constantly struggle with figuring out what I actually want. Do you know what YOU want? How well do you know him? Is avoidant his style? Do you know anything about his past?
What’s most important (as advised by others) is knowing what YOU want.tammy
does it really matter what he means? you broke off for a reason. he knew the reason. yet despite that he is still happy to stay in his corner till you reach out. hes doing the same things again. i don’t think things will change. it will only change when he reaches out and opens up to you. he shows no inclination. he is sitting in his corner and again putting the “whole damn reaching out thing” on you again. his answer shld make you run fast. in the opposite direction.
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