I'm not used to this

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  kaye 3 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #756907 Reply


    My boyfriend and I are moving in together. He talks about long term future plans. He wants to be the guy who makes me happy. I am so happy to have found someone like him. My dating history has been a lot of either guys being interested and I was lukewarm about them or me being interested and those guys lukewarm about me…pretty typical, I’d say. Lol.

    I am very much enjoying and appreciating finally being with someone I don’t feel is me settling and having to end things because of that or the guy seeing me that way.

    It might sound like I’m creating things to worry about. When I think reasonably, I believe I am worrying needlessly. So here goes… I’m so used to minor things being used as reasons/excuses to end things in past failed relationships and I can’t seem to get the nagging baggage voice to stop when something comes up that requires us working through it. There hasn’t been anything major but old “lessons/baggage” die hard. There weren’t major things in the other relationships either. “Other relationships” meaning those certain ones I thought things were going fine and got blindsided.

    He wants to talk through it and find a resolution whenever anything comes up. These have 99% been things where either he or I are just making sure we’re in agreement with things relating to combining our houses. The 1% has still been minor issues but where he has not been in agreement with something I’ve said or done and has stated so. He sees it as a discussion. I see it that way too until I get in my own way in my head.

    I don’t show it as I know it’s baggage but I get very knotted and twisted inside. I calm my inner voice and carry on with working through things though.

    I don’t want the “abandonment baggage” to mess anything up. I trust him not to be like the other guys. The problem is I’m just not sure I trust I could be “that girl” who is actually the recipient of good intentions.

    #756909 Reply


    So your inner voice seems to be posting this thread. Tell it to chill.

    I really struggle with self doubt and fear of abandonment too. When it happens, I pray about it then shift my focus onto something else and let it play out believing no matter what even if it may suck, I will be ok.

    Unless he turns out to be an axe murderer …then it would really suck.

    #756910 Reply


    Heidi-what you need to let go of is thinking there is a “perfect relationship”. If you only have one percent differences-that is pretty great! I would like a specific example of what he says,just to make sure he is not “putting you down” or trying to control your thinking.
    Other than that, you need to focus on the good and build your self confidence. Look forward instead of thinking about what happened in the past,as it seems you are off of that path now!

    #756911 Reply


    You sound like too much work.

    #756912 Reply


    Kinda a mess.

    #756913 Reply


    Yeah sometimes it takes a while to recognize something as good. But you can
    Second: stop thinking about the state of THE RELATIONSHIP so much. Have you ever seen good matching couples going through the status of their relationship over and over? No, tjey accepted each other as their best friend and partner in crime.
    Thirdly and this may not work on you but did work ok me: i had abandonment issues too. The feeling could paralyse me. But then i thought really hard where that feeling came from and an experience where i had truly felt abandoned. In my case it was a pretty event where i felt it and i realized i was never abandoned. I had build up a good and solid circle of friends and even if a relationship would fall apart, i wouldnt and i would still have that circle of love.
    Lastly: there are a lot of things in your life you cant control. You have to accept that and work with what you can control.
    Your bf sounds like a good match so dont go spoil it with useless toxic thoughts. Be true, genuine and kind and live life. Thats at least my life philosophy

    #756914 Reply


    *petty event

    #756916 Reply


    It would be helpful to know how long you’ve been together before deciding to move in and why you’re moving in together without being engaged. It’s a lot of work to combine two houses and also a lot of work to split them back up if things go south. Maybe that little voice in your head is just wanting you to be sure about this before you take this big step. You’re giving up your independence and probably some of your things and your privacy to move in so I don’t blame you for wanting to be sure. I just wouldn’t move in with a guy without being engaged first. But not everyone needs that kind of commitment to move in and I understand that.

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