I'm never that "special woman" for men that I'm into


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  • #821643 Reply
    Louise

    Hi girls,

    Wanted to put my story out there.
    I feel a bit hopeless to be honest in this whole dating scene.

    I broke up with someone a year ago after 6 dates because he wanted casual. I then started dating him again recently, and after 5 dates ended it again because he only wants casual. I know lot of you will roll their eyes ;) It seems a very short time, but I was really into that guy (not in love). I know I made a fool of myself. But we both made assumptions that we both wanted something different. That guy was seeing other women and told me he was not in a place to date. I was crushed because I really thought we had a real connexion and that this time it could work out. Lack of communication.

    Thing is, I keep finding myself in situationship with guys that I’m into who are barely into me and who move on and never contact me anymore. They just want casual and never more.

    I’m never the “it factor” woman with men I’m attracted to. I feel like I’m never that special woman who they end up falling deep in love with, who they imagine a life with. Who finally change their mind about commitment.

    I hear many stories of men who meet women just for casual but they end up loving the women like crazy and they end up in a relationship. What is it not working for me? What do these women do?

    I know deep down I’m special (we all are) because men who are attracted to me look at me like I’m the whole universe. But most of these guys are not attractive. They are needy, desperate…

    I also noticed that when a man I’m very into is into me, I start to believe that it’s too good to be true, that they just want me for sex so I’m not acting fully like myself. And in the end it’s what happens…

    I guess I’m just tired of it all.

    I just want a men who is as into me as I am into him and to have an easy, normal dating process. I want someone who is excited to see me, spend time with me, to discover me. I want someone who is afraid to lose me… Who show up fully.

    Could I have your insights?
    Be kind haha

    #821653 Reply
    Tallspicy

    I am calling bull honky on the fact that people start out as casual and then they fall in love. That might be one out of five maximum. To be honest your belief system about whether or not you were a value and your actions are your biggest issue. If you have older self in high self-esteem you would never agree to go out with a man for five days and sleep with him again after he already was casual. When he called you to contact you which I hope he did, and that you did not contact him, you would’ve said why are you contacting me and are you still only looking for something casual. That is what you would’ve said to him before even agreeing to go out with him again. I suggest you read up on anxious attachment attachment, I believe that that will be helpful to you. If you want a real relationship stop agreeing to anything casual in the hopes that it might turn into something else. Magical thinking does not create a relationship. Being intentional about what you want and who you are well. That will also make you more attractive to the right men. Not all men, but the right men. It is clear to me that you are anxious attachment because you talkAbout not being attracted to men and actually sabotaging relationships when men are interested in you. You may also wanna consider getting a therapist. Not because you’re some big mess, but because your beliefs systems are not serving you. You don’t know how to stand in your value and then you betray yourself by getting involved in situations that have no future. Good luck!

    #821656 Reply
    Raven

    Have you looked deeply at Your emotional availability?

    #821659 Reply
    Tallspicy

    It is a red flag to me that you almost got fired over politics. Unless you are very senior, that is unlikely true, and creating drama might be more like it. Have you ever had this issue at work before?

    And if you tend to be dramatic, he may have had enough.

    #821660 Reply
    Tallspicy

    Oops, that is for another post!!! Sorry

    #821671 Reply
    T from NY

    Louise I wanted to mention a couple of things – one – I do not think you are alone in your dating experiences. I’ve currently been single for 3 yrs. Yes I’ve had 3-6 mos relationships but nothing spanning a year or more. I think some of this has to do with me, and some of this has to do with what’s going on in society. Because I know a few women well (aged 20 – 30s) who do not have any notable attachment issues (I have a psychology degree and study human dating behavior as a hobby. Serious nerd alert here :) and they are having similar struggles of meting men willing or desiring to commit. When societies are going through cultural shifts it’s difficult to see the changes right away – but I’ve think we’ve come to a place where dating apps are really really geared toward men having mini relationships, enjoying the excitement of courting and honeymoon phases or just achieving sex, then bowing out – then rinse and repeat. Sure relationships happen from apps, all the time. But – second – how we react to men and how dating really is now has its affect on meeting someone high quality and a relationship resulting.

    Early on, after becoming single, I hated the advice that you have to get happy with your life and become the healthiest partner you can be before you meet a man worthy of your time but ITS THE TRUTH. I don’t blame you that you tried again with that one guy – IF you were just trying to getting your physical and some companionate needs met for a short time. But it was an emotional mistake to think it might evolve into a relationship when he already told you he didn’t see that with you and illustrates YOU not being emotionally available because you believe and invest energy into possibilities that ARE NOT REAL. The key to being peaceful while single, or even inside a relationship, is a exerted commitment to loving, discovering and then staying true to your authentic self. When you love yourself enough you would never tangle yourself up with a guy who has already hurt you.

    So I challenge to stop thinking you’re super special (just kidding you are) because a lot of women are going through exactly what you are these days. Start tending to you. You can begin immediately by reading Ask Polly online for immediate self esteem booster, schedule an appointment with a therapist to discover if you do have attachment issues and to explore why you have feelings of not being good enough, peruse the site Baggage Reclaim which explores why many women are drawn to asshats and what to do about it (that site keeps it REAL that the real problem is women accepting bad behavior because they don’t want to be alone or don’t have adequate self esteem). Journal, exercise, mediate. Refocus your energies mostly to YOU. Take breaks often when choosing to date to replenish. Dating should be fun. When it starts to be super stressful that’s information we are not prioritizing ourselves. Good luck.

    #821674 Reply
    Louise

    Thank you Tallspicy.
    I’m actually seeing a therapist.

    I have beliefs that either a guy I’m attracted to will only want me for sex OR the guys that I’m not into will be very into me. It all manifests in my life.

    It’s like there is NO in between…

    I feel like I will never have a mutual remationship.

    Yes Raven. I read lot of post of Natalie Lue on baggage reclaim about emotional unavailability. I learned a lot but I still make some mistakes here.

    This guy contacted me back again after one year but just as friends first and yes I should have asked about his intention straight away! I thought he knew what I wanted…

    I won’t do that again.

    #821676 Reply
    Tallspicy

    The more you don’t think it is possible, the less it is possible. Yes, there are real challenges dating, but if you don’t over invest and stay in your value, the more likely it is you will meet the right person.

    Why would you think he knew what he wanted? Because he called you after a year??? That is a fishing expedition…

    #821681 Reply
    Louise

    Thank you so much T from NY!

    Loved reading your insight. I can tell you studied psychology.
    You all girls on this forum are so helpful <3

    I know I’m not alone in this experience. I did LOT of introspection so reading Natalie Lue, ask Polly, going to therapy is something that I did. I still made some mistakes with that guy because I really liked him. I actually rejected him twice lol I also stopped right away again after 5th dates so I didn’t waste much time. I don’t think I have an atachment problems… Just lot of bad choice and bad luck.

    “we’ve come to a place where dating apps are really really geared toward men having mini relationships, enjoying the excitement of courting and honeymoon phases or just achieving sex, then bowing out – then rinse and repeat.”

    SO true… The guy was on Tinder, and it’s all he has been doing for years. He never dated more than 6 months in his life…

    “Journal, exercise, mediate. Refocus your energies mostly to YOU.”

    Self love always wins!! Thank you <3

    #821682 Reply
    Louise

    “The more you don’t think it is possible, the less it is possible.”

    Yeah… I will start to do law of attraction exercices :) I need to change lot of bad beliefs and my self-concept.

    #821717 Reply
    A

    This is NOT you. It is all them. The same thing happens to me and every other girl that I know who is single. You’re just not meeting the right guys. When you do, you will know why every other relationship didn’t work out. Keep looking until you find out soul mate, because when you do, it will feel right. <3 <3

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