I'm guessing we're done here?


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  • #821620 Reply
    Elsa

    Hi, I met a guy online and been on 3 dates. He is always the one initiating messages and dates, although he’s only messaging every 2 or 3 days (but when he does they are long massages / voice messages).

    We had dinner at mine on third date and he slept over (yes we got intimate, actually on our second date) and it was very nice but for some reason when he left the next morning I had an instinct something had changed but could not quite put the finger on it and thought perhaps it was because I didn’t sleep much (find it hard to sleep when not alone in my bed at the beginning). I did not bring up anything like “where is this going” etc and acted the same on our second and third date.

    Turns out that evening I went to a friend and she asked to see a picture so I opened the app and pouf he had disappeared from my matches / convos! I can still see him on my whatsapp so he has not blocked me on there but I haven’t heard from him since the date (2 days ago)… Not possible to know if he has unmatched me or deleted his profile without asking him.
    Should I just sit tight and see if he contacts me this week and assume it’s over if he doesn’t? Or should I send him a nonchalant text to see if he responds?

    I have the feeling he’s decided he doesn’t want to pursue this but not sure as we had such a lovely evening together… I don’t know yet if this is going anywhere, it’s so new but I like him and would like to carry on seeing him. Also talking to other guys on the app just in case though.

    #821626 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    I think your gut is right. So go with your gut. He hasn’t contacted you for 2 days since sleeping together, that right there is a red flag.

    But I also think you slept with him too soon. By that I mean, you slept with him when you had no idea if things were going anywhere or if the guy was looking to date, or just hook up. It sounds like it was just a hookup to him. I’m not saying you have to wait forever to sleep with a guy, but doing it on the 2nd date is too soon, in my book. You should go out at least a few times and get a sense of what the guy is looking for. There is a really good article on this site called “When to Have Sex With a Guy”– go read it. It’s excellent advice.

    As for whether to contact him– I wouldn’t, if i were you. If he wants to see you again he’ll reach out. Just sit tight and wait.

    #821631 Reply
    Elvira

    Hi Elsa
    Unfortunately I do not suggest reaching out. Even if you send a text and he responds you will not know if he is doing it just to be nice or if he really wants to interact. This is why waiting to see if he reaches out on his own is best. The fact that you stated something was off when he left appears he was already pulling away while still in your presence.
    You can’t blame him when it appears your encounters were casual with no real foundation other than meeting and having sex at the end of the night. I will not state sleeping so soon was a mistake if that is what you wanted, but you need to be prepared for the consequences. I have had relationships that started with sex early on…and turned to long term relationships and others turned into just “sex” with someone those few times. IMO I think you should forget abut this guy and keep dating. If he comes back around spend more quality time with him and feel him out…ask him what he’s looking for if you haven’t already. Most men will be honest but paying attention to his actions not just his words will show you the truth.

    #821632 Reply
    mama

    In the past people who have commented on situations like these point out that “you can’t sex a man into a relationship.”

    I thought it was an astute way to explain the differences between women’s and men’s goals. I think that’s what you are trying to do here.

    Please take the advice and don’t reach out to him. And if he tries to get with you again maybe pull back on the sex until you get to know him better.

    #821634 Reply
    Elsa

    Thank you all for taking the time to respond to me. All very good points that I will definitely take on board. He’s actually just sent me a very nice message saying what a great time he had on our date and how much he loved my cooking. I think I will try to slow the pace a little and make sure we continue to build on our emotional connection rather than just the sexual chemistry.

    #821649 Reply
    Liz Lemon

    Glad to hear he contacted you! I think your plan is very sensible and the right thing to do. Build your emotional connection. Have dates that don’t end in sex– that is a big indicator that he is into you as a person. Good luck!

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