I'm Confused and I Want Him to Realize that I'm "The One"


Home Forums How To Get My Ex Back I'm Confused and I Want Him to Realize that I'm "The One"

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  • #266407 Reply
    Destiny

    I met my (now) ex 10 years ago, during our undergrad. He was sweet and dorky and kinda cute. We became fast friends, along with all of the other guys in his frat, but I was closer to him than any of the other guys. We dated for about 3 months, but I was only 20 and I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I was still dating other people and he finally said that if I couldn’t be with just him, that he couldn’t be with me at all. Therefore, he ended it because I did’t want to stop dating other guys. He was furious with me and didn’t talk to me for about a year.

    Finally, we ended up hanging out because a mutual friend invited us both to an event. We started talking and became friends again. He admitted (many, many times) over the next 8 years that he still wanted to be with me and that he wouldn’t treat me like all of the jerks I dated.

    Fast forward again, he ends up dating some girl (I would say his first actual relationship) and she cheats on him after only 3 months. They have everything in common and now he’s heart-broken. He takes the ugly, cheating B back and ends up breaking it off after about 11 months because they couldn’t get along and he never learned to trust her again. BUT in the meantime, I had actually developed a little jealousy of this girl because she was with a guy who would always be faithful and treat her better than anyone ever would… And I finally realized that maybe I did want to be with him after all these years.

    It was only about 2 weeks after they broke up and he was still in a bad place, so I wasn’t going to say anything or push anything when he came to me to cry on my shoulder and ask for advice. I was actually dating 3 pretty great guys at the time because I knew he wasn’t ready to date me yet. He even told me that he wasn’t ready for another relationship, but he thought that he might want to start dating again (in general, not me because he didn’t know I liked him yet). Soon thereafter, we started making out every time we would drink. Then it turned into making out and a little more when we weren’t even drinking, just every time we hung out. This transpired over about a month’s time. Then, he finally asked me out. For real. On Valentine’s Day… I actually asked him “Like, a date date? Or a friend date?” because I wasn’t sure if he was ready for something more. I, of course accepted. Then, we grew ever closer VERY quickly. The problem was, he had to travel for work for 2 months only 1.5 months into our relationship. Everything was perfect before he left and it was just okay while he was gone because we missed each other so much. It was just hard. Then, after waiting for him for 2 months, we had 2 amazing days together before I had to go back to work. But then… after only 4 days of being back, it happened… He BROKE UP WITH ME!!! He gave me some lame excuse about me liking the city I live in and he likes the city he lives in, so neither of us want to move. He also said that he’s gone back and forth about wanting kids over the past few years and doesn’t know if he wants kids. Um, really, dude!!! He’s KNOWN I want kids for over 10 years now, but he just now decides that we shouldn’t be together?!

    I don’t know what to think… He broke up with me over the phone and it’s been 2 weeks now and he still hasn’t contacted me. It’s always hard losing a BF, but it’s a million times harder to lose a best friend… At the end of the break-up convo, he told me that he was scared that maybe “in a day, a week, or maybe a month, [he] might just realize [he] was scared and running away from commitment.”

    I’m so confused… Everything was perfect, and now I keep wondering what I did wrong or what I did to deserve this. He wanted to be with me for almost 10 years and now that we’re together and everything is perfect, he breaks up with me?! Please help me… I want him back and I’m not sure what to do. I feel like if I chase him, it will just push him away, but if I do nothing, I may never see/hear/talk to him again.

    Oh yeah, and he said he wanted to “be friends,” but he would “give [me] space if it was too hard for [me].”

    Please help…

    #266462 Reply
    A New Mode
    Member

    I have no idea what the specific details of the situation are, so what I am going to say is just my opinion based on what you told me.

    It sounds like he built up the idea of what it would mean if he could “have you” because he couldn’t. In other words, you not agreeing to be “official” with him ten years ago stung…it made him question his own self-worth as a man…

    He took it personally (just like you are taking it personally now, which is going to cause a lot more pain/heartbreak because the truth is this means nothing bad about you…)

    It comes down to the reality of what it was like to finally be together not matching up to the impossible fairytale dream he had in his mind. It doesn’t mean you aren’t amazing…it’s just when a man builds up this fantasy of what it will finally be like to date you is more about his OWN feelings of not being “good enough”…

    Also, if you want to heal and find yourself in a position where you feel less pain and find the love you truly do want without all this heartache…your best bet is to stop trying to “make him realize” anything. THIS mentality BACKFIRES and will only further push him away.

    Step back, live your life and if it is “meant to happen,” it will…but NOT by trying to force it.

    I wish you the best and hope your heart heals and feels whole because you don’t deserve this and are not a bad person. I promise.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 9 months ago by A New Mode.
    #266478 Reply
    Lane

    Sorry you had to go through this but he simply wasn’t in the proper mindset to be in a relationship due to the bad break up—in a nutshell your ships crossed in a stormy sea.

    I would just give him some space. I think he’s going through a lot of inner turmoil and men are biologically wired to solve/fix it on their own (the man cave), which can take awhile depending on what he needs to work through. All you can do at this point is give him SPACE and let him do it.

    I know you’re on an emotional roller coaster, but the best thing you can do is try really hard not to focus on him and redirect your energy on you by getting back to a normal place as quickly as possible. Its OK to grieve over what happened, but don’t allow it to consume your thoughts or it will hold you back longer. You appear to be a very strong and capable lady, so I have no doubt you’ll ride through this storm and come out of it OK :-)

    #350028 Reply
    Destiny

    Thanks for the responses. I appreciate you both taking the time to comment.

    It’s still hard, but I’m trying to stop thinking about him and what could’ve been. I’m trying to focus on my friends and family and being happy right now. Although there’s at least one thing every day that makes me think of him, I feel like if he really wanted to be with me, he’d let me know. Right?

    One of my best friends keeps trying to tell me that if she wouldn’t have fought for her relationship to get her boyfriend (now husband) back, then they wouldn’t be together though… So, it makes me wonder. Plus, she’s a lawyer and she’s very convincing. Now, I keep wondering, “What’s the right thing to do?” because her husband has a very similar personality to my ex.

    There’s definitely a battle going on in my mind about weather to fight or just move on… This Thursday will make it 3 weeks of no contact.

    #350088 Reply
    LAgirl

    Men should be the ones who fight for you, not the other way around. In most cases, if you have to convince a man to be with you, it won’t last. This is because if you have to convince a man, then it isn’t his own idea. After awhile he will revert back to his own mind and poof..

    I tend to agree with Bella and lane. It was likely either he realized the two of you together didn’t match his fantasy or he was simply not yet in the frame of mind to date. It may have stroked his who initially but then he realized it was not fair to you and broke up.. Meaning rebound.

    One thing I’ve read is that women mourn the end of relationships because they focus on ‘what could have been’ versus what is or was. As a result we fail to see things the way a man does. Men live more in the present. In fact they don’t date to get into relationships, they do it for companionship… Until the right one comes along. And timing has to be right in order for that to work as well.

    It’s not you… I’m sorry for your hurt. Try to focus on you. If it’s meant to be he will come back. In the meantime, focus on moving forward. Hugs

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