I'm being an idiot, too


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This topic contains 19 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Bad at Life 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #777870 Reply

    Anonymous

    Has anyone else felt an intense emotional connection to someone without having sex or exactly knowing them? I’ve had this connection with a few other people, male and female. When it’s with a guy, I start getting seriously confused because I feel this pull to fall in love. The one time I gave in to the pull and blindly went all in, my heart was shattered to pieces. I still haven’t completely healed. I also have a stubborn heart and I’m afraid to be in love. I wind up hurt. I don’t like the feeling. I still wanna be in love again someday. So eventually, I’m gonna have to risk it. Just not sure if this guy is worth the risk? My mind is all over the place!

    There is this guy I know from high school. When we met up, it was unusual circumstances. The possibility of meeting a potential partner was far from my mind. I really did go just to hang out with him because I think he is cool, we have so much in common it’s exciting but scary and I had the free time. He had asked in the past and I was just busy all the time. The conversations between us is like a mind-opening electric charge. I kind of always felt a connection to him. I crushed on him in 10th grade and never said anything. Every memory I have of him are fond memories. He is super cute, intelligent, and so funny which are qualities that turn me on. On the flip side, he does do and says some things I don’t quite agree with. Kind of a deal breaker and kind of a turn off. He also does good things that do not line up with his words at all. I can tell deep down he’s a good guy. He’s so hurt, it makes him an a$shole. Calling him out on it would make me a hypocrite. He’s hurting really bad, life hasn’t been very kind to him, and I’ve been stuck at rock bottom many times before so I get it. It really sucked when it seemed like I had nobody and everyone was pushing me further down instead of helping me out. I want to be a good friend, maybe soften his heart a little, be there for him and help pull him out because he was always so nice to me and that connection…ugh…emotions.

    He mentioned to me this morning he has been talking to someone else and he’s been talking to her for awhile. She was going through hard times and he was there for her. She confessed he was in love with him. He likes her too, but started hanging out with me and said he is starting to like me. He’s confused about his feelings…so I’m like, tell me about it. Ditto. So basically he told me he doesn’t want me to help make his decision easy by removing myself out of the equation…which is the go to move on my part. I won’t compete. He has known her longer and plenty of fish in the sea is my mentality. He’s going to see her today, I get the feeling he is gonna sleep with her then try it with me because he likes us both. It could be just my imagination running wild.

    Are most guys like that?

    I appreciate his honesty and being straight forward. It kind of makes me jealous even though there is no exclusivity. I feel like going bonkers or being hasty and blocking him out of anger for being (yet again) the second option.

    I’m supposed to hang out with him tomorrow and I KNOW if he makes a move, I won’t stop it from happening. It’s going to be a home date because, well, we’re both broke. he doesn’t have a car and I’m low on gas. I’m conflicted. I was okay with just being friends and I’m finding it really hard to want to keep him in the friend zone.

    Is it because of the other woman? Is it because of these intense amazing feelings I have when I’m around him? Am I just holding onto an illusion of how I want it to be vs. how it really is? I have no desire to change him but want to encourage change in him and just from the few times him and I hung out I’ve watched it happen and its extraordinary.

    I wanna run away from this like i do every time my feelings get this intense. I just don’t know what to do.

    #777872 Reply

    Tallspicy

    I am woman has no interest in knowing what other women a man is seeing while we are getting to know each other before exclusivity.

    But the same principles hold… no sex till exclusive and a man who is not your boyfriend by 12 weeks latest is never going to be.

    Girl, you are already giving yourself away.

    How you handle this and get a relationship. “I thought about what you said and I appreciate your honesty. I am looking for the real deal and only will consider men romantically who can give me that. Right now you seem confused, so I think friends is best. If you are ever open to really exploring something with me, let me know, but for right now we are not on the same page.”

    Anything else is you abandoning you.

    #777875 Reply

    Anonymous

    So i think im confused because of the other woman. I should be mad about it huh? And to hell with being friends. he’s probably throwing out the sympathy card and pulling on my heart strings because i care and he is just taking advantage of it?

    I’m open to a relationship. he just seems all over the place and if i do give him that statement and works in my favor, im not sure it would be what I really want. I just really like him. He’s showing more interest in just being friends and there are so many red flags. Being the back up girl sucks.

    #777876 Reply

    Better off single

    Girl, run away and stay single until what you do want comes along.

    #777879 Reply

    AllieM

    “Kind of a deal breaker and kind of a turn off.” I stopped reading after that. It’s either a deal breaker or not, like you’re pregnant or you’re not.

    If you keep associating with this guy you’re going to get your heartbroken, pure and simple. Do you want that again in your life? Then go ahead. Otherwise grow a spine, look after yourself and walk.

    #777890 Reply

    Lane

    Honestly, I think you should ditch this guy and find a better way to put gas in your tank.

    Trust me, I understand struggle but if you don’t have your “best friend” (BF/fiance/husband) pulling their weight then you’re just going to sink. My now ex husband had little to nothing when we started out but he had goals and was working his arse off to achieve them. After a decade, we were making six digits cumulatively, so that’s the type of guy you want on your side if you want long-term stability. Same with my current BF who overcame a rough patch and for the past few years has strived to show me I will not only be safe but secure with him even though I have achieved far more financially lol

    If a man isn’t ALL IN, then step out and focus on yourself.

    #777894 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thank you all for the advice. Especially you lane, Thank you.

    We’ve been texting back and forth and the conversation tonight is pretty much about sex. He started it and I’ve kind of egged it on. Stupid me. I’m just wasting my time on a f×ck boy and I’m sad about it now. It’s all he wants I think. I do deserve better. Like real dates or outings with someone who is actually romantically into me and wants to impress me.

    I feel worthless

    #777897 Reply

    Better off single

    Good luck with that. You attract what you feel and since you’re feeling worthless…

    #777903 Reply

    Tallspicy

    It is malarkey pseudo science that you attract what you feel. That said, coming from worthlessness means you should stop dating until you feel worthy. No one can do that for you, you do that for yourself. I told you if you proceed you will be giving yourself away to please this man because you want something different.

    You want to start feeling better? Take action for yourself. “I’ve thought about it and I think we want different things. I wish you the best. Reach out when you want what I want”. Will that hurt and be disappointing, yes. But, you will also feel strong for staying in your truth.

    If you feel worthless, any love anyone gives you will not be absorbed, you will try to convince unloving people to love you.

    #777904 Reply

    Anonymous

    Thank you Tallspicy.

    I used to think I was worthy. I keep running into guys like this one and it makes me wonder what the hell is so wrong with me to attract guys like this? The last guy I started talking to, confessed he has been in a long term relationship and has a child with her. He doesn’t plan on leaving her to avoid being a weekend dad. The guy before that was married and I didn’t find out he still was until 4 years into the relationship and we couldn’t get married until he divorced. We never got married. A married guy called me at work asking me for my phone number a few weeks ago. A recently separated not quite divorced yet guy confessed he has a crush on me.

    I tried online dating and the one guy i was VERY interested in never seemed to want to set up a proper meet up and played games with my head.

    Now I am trying to convince an unloving emotionally unavailable person that I think he is worthy because I see the good in him and want that to come out more than this bitter hardened f×ked up heart of his and I feel rejected because I’m some backup girl. It sounds a little over dramatic, I just have no idea what I’m doing wrong that keeps available men from asking me out, taking me on dates, courting me, etc.

    I think you’re right and i need to listen to my initial instinct and bail.

    Thank you.

    #777905 Reply

    anon

    Here is the problem- I meet guys like this all the time. Literally I match with probably 90% of guys I swipe on online. 100% of those would sleep with me given the opportunity. Maybe 5% will commit to a proper date.

    So you end up like me, loads of interest, so much interest, but nothing real.

    What I would do would be hold a line on your standards. From the get go “I am not interested in casual sex, I am looking for something real”. You will eliminate a lot LOT of guys, but at least you won’t get the mixed message that something is somehow wrong with you.

    Online dating exposes you to a lot of people in a very shallow environment. You have to make sure that what you are considering is the real deal.

    #777906 Reply

    Better off single

    Or enjoy staying single. Maybe get some hobbies and you wont care so much. You will come off less desperate so then, you attract the right guy. Sorry to be harsh. That’s how you’re coming off.

    #778031 Reply

    kaye

    do believe you attract what you put out into the universe. If you are a confident, secure woman who knows what she wants you aren’t going to be attracted to a broke, hurt A-hole who is exhibiting what you consider deal breakers and not only stringing you along but another woman! But if you feel worthless, insecure and feel like any attention from a man makes you desirable then you are going to think you can “fix” this man. You are going to ignore the red flags, the deal breakers, the other woman, the fact he’s a A-hole and get yourself hurt.

    A confident secure woman has boundaries. She doesn’t entertain married men, separated men, recently divorced men or men just out of long term relationships. She has no desire to be a rebound or deal with the drama of him getting over his ex. Yes there are tons of unsuitable guys on dating sites. But if you have high standards and good boundaries you will weed out 90% of the undesirables before you even agree to a date! It’s not rocket science it’s common sense!!

    #778038 Reply

    Anonymous

    I’m more humble than confident. I’m secure with myself and at the same time, I become insecure around men. It’s like a chaotic element bombarding my secure safety bubble. When I like I guy, I want to be his dream girl and I fall short. A lot. It’ not so much that I feel like any attention from a man makes me desirable. It’s this man in particular because I have had a crush on him. He is recently out of a long term relationship and i keep telling myself to back off. The second I get a message from him, I get butterflies.

    I get attention from a lot of guys and most of them are taken or married. Do you know how disgusting that feels? I don’t give married guys the time of day. Once i find out they are, I’m instantly over it. I wouldn’t want it happening to me and i def do not want to waste my time as a side chick. I wont initiate conversation.

    I don’t believe I can fix this guy. I do believe I can make a positive difference in his life. Its hard to let go feeling a connection so strong. You’re right though kaye.

    #778207 Reply

    Anonymous

    I can’t bring myself to ditch him. I don’t want to even though it’s probably what I should do. Help! How to I detatch? I’ve tried occupying my time, talking to other guys, blatantly ignoring him, focusing on the reasons it probably won’t work, and for some reason I gravitate back to him. I can’t stop thinking about him. I want to be around him all the time. It’s starting to make me feel anxious and needy.

    I missed some text messages he had sent to me because I wasn’t around my phone. I took a nap. I am not really a fan of texting i even told him this. He’s always on his phone. I texted him back when i saw them and now he isn’t responding. I feel guilty.

    #778208 Reply

    Tallspicy

    You make choices that are better for you. You journal about your belief system that you would accept someone so lame.
    You visualize being turned off by men who don’t want what you want.

    It is very alarming that you are worried because you took a nap and that he mighty disappear. This is a sign that maybe you should not be dating at all.

    Please read about anxious attachment. It would help you.

    #779190 Reply

    kaye

    You said before the last time you had these crazy feelings and let yourself get sucked into it your heart was shattered and you’re still not over it. This guy is telling you he’s interested in another woman and you can’t bring yourself to ditch him? It’s like an alcoholic not being able to put down that drink, a druggie having to get that last fix or an obese person not being able to have one slice of pie but eating the whole thing. Only you can make the right choice to not put your hand on a hot stove again. All we can do is tell you the odds are not in your favor on this one.

    #779193 Reply

    Better off single

    Jeez kaye, some people have trouble with managing self control or since they’re addicts they are also addicted to the pain. Cut her some slack.

    #779194 Reply

    Anonymous

    I met up with him today and the more I hang out with him, the more I do realize it wont work in my favor. I am living in my head just picturing it how I want it to be, getting caught up in being so infatuated with who I think he is, or who I want him to be, and that can go only so far, ya know? It’s stupid.

    It made me realize that I do want a relationship. I got so excited about that electric charge that I felt and ran with it. I guess I’ve just been trying to force a square peg in a round hole.

    I just feel so bad for what he’s going through because I’ve been there. I at least want to be a friend and be there for him so I decided I wont initiate contact and if he wants to see me, he will have to take the lead on that.

    If another guy happens to show up and peak my interest before he gets his stuff sorted out, then it is what it is.

    #779197 Reply

    Bad at Life

    You’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Stop caring what he thinks about you, his interest is more than likely not there because he’s interested in another woman or emotionally unavailable! You’re just a time waster. Cant you see that? Why put yourself at his mercy, when you could be doing something else that actually pays off? Find someTHING better to do. Not someone.

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