I say hurtful things

I am in a relationship with a man for two years. We have ups & downs. Talking about downs and the situations when I do something that hurts him, he demands apology straightaway and I am very quick to admit and apologise. He demands for long sentences and apology notes or emails without which we don’t move forward! I find this behaviour quite atrocious! Whereas when he does something wrong, he at first acts like he don’t know what I am talking about! If I can leave him alone for two days or so then he gets it and even gives me a mild apology rarely such as “sorry”. I don’t feel the need for long letters of apology so we move on until we conflict again!

One of my negative is that when he seriously upsets me then I say very hurtful things in an attempt to hurt him back! He as usual never sees what he did wrong straightaway so I keep bombarding him with more and more hurtful thing, which then makes what he did look insignificant compared to what all I said ..such as swearing, insulting etc, consequently, I end up apologising. I know this is immature and part of anger management exercise, I need self-control and I promise I am working on it. But I am fed up! Ever since we are in lockdown we haven’t met for like last three months or so. It has happened a lot that my emotional needs have been ignored, he has hurt me by his actions and I have said hurtful things to him and hence I am the one who apologised and nothing changed.

In three months I grew apart from him because of conflicts, I had a friend committing suicide. A friend getting sick with COVID and also losing her husband. He thinks that because of these events that happened around me has changed our relationship because I no longer talk to him as much as I used to. I have told him that it’s not true, what has changed is that I no longer feel that I can raise anything with you without being misunderstood or stung back.

So I did not speak with him two days not intentionally but because I prioritised my work and family over him as he does. He then published an article in which I made contribution, he did not give me any credit, but he did give credit to a work colleague who is quite popular, she did not made any contribution and he knows that I do not like him licking her ass . I was very annoyed to see this. He said I should not be worried about the credits and who he tags is none of my business. Since I was very angry I did wrote to him how it was my work too and how annoyed I am, to which he did not react or respond so I ended up vomiting all the bad things he has ever done to upset him, closed it with saying he needs therapy , he is broken , he is selfish ass licker fraud.

He did not respond and is posting very happy selfies, food, hikes all over on Strava, Instagram, FB , Twitter you name it! I am pretty sure he will never write to me unless I do that too with an apology which will override what he did in the first place to cause all this. I know I am wrong in lashing out and I need to have more self-control but I seriously feel that this will not help. He will do this again! I speak with a close friend and she always says that this is Scorpio and Leo dynamics, which is not very helpful tbh so I thought of asking for an advice on here.

Please do not tell me that I need to breakup with him. Since I have only mentioned our problems. We do have a wonderful relationship minus conflicts which I feel is the case with any relationship. I need an advice on how can I recover from this situation? Lockdown plus mercury retrograde plus his and my behaviour is not doing us any good. I know what I did wrong yesterday but I also know what he did wrong and I do not want to overshadow his mistakes again with my apology and I do want to communicate with him! What is the best way out if this? Should I reach out already or go no contact for few weeks or months? Or assume that it’s all over?

Thanks in advance.