I really don’t know what to make of this :(

Unfortunately I think this guy just hit it and quit it. He wanted sex, got sex, and is not interested in more. If you want a relationship or more than a casual hookup, this is not your guy.

The fact that he blew you off last year after 2 dates because he sensed you wanted something “serious” was a big red flag. He didn’t want something “serious” with you before, and I’m sure that hasn’t changed. When he texted you after 7 months and wanted to meet up, you should have asked him what changed and why he was suddenly interested in dating you again?

Another warning sign is the intense, long dates at the beginning (9 hour first date, staying up all night on the 2nd date, sleeping over on the 2nd date even though there was no sex involved). This creates a false sense of intimacy on your part. You think you had a great connection, and that you mean something to this guy, because he had a couple of extra-long dates with you. That’s not how it works. Guys that start out fast, tend to burn out fast. You have to pace relationships. A guy needs to earn your time and attention! If he is not willing to take his time, he is not really interested in getting to know you.

A guy that is interested in you is consistent. You will hear from him pretty much daily, even if it’s just a text/call to say hello. He does not just show interest when you’re together and go radio silent when you’re not, because he doesn’t want to risk losing you to some other guy.

You’ll probably hear from this guy at some point when he wants another hookup. But if you’re looking for a relationship, and a guy who consistently wants to see you and treat you well, you won’t find it with this guy. Take this experience as a lesson. In the future, pace yourself. Limit first/second dates to 2-3 hours, no matter how magical the connection. Leave the guy craving more of your time. If he’s a guy who is truly interested in getting to know you, he’ll follow up and schedule more dates. You won’t be left wondering in radio silence.

And needless to say any guy who stops dating you because you want something “serious”, but then has the nerve to reach out 7 months later wanting to see you again, owes you a HUGE explanation at the least. You would be within your rights to totally ignore him, but if you really wanted to see him, at the very least you should make him explain what has changed in his mind.

@sam thanks for your response, I think you might be right which is sad :(
I really like him and haven’t connected with anyone like that in so long. We talk about personal things and I feel comfortable when I’m around him. But when I’m not around him I don’t hear from him at all. I just don’t know why he’d bother though. I told him I’m not interested in just being some girl he’s sleeping with so why is he treating me so casually?!

Honey, where are your boundaries? He bailed on you last time and you did not even make him work for it at all! You were way over invested. You were staring to forget about a man you saw twice 6 months later???

Why did you meet him at his house, he should have gotten at best an outside socially distanced dated! And then you kept following up with him, both times you engaged with him. Let men lead, make them earn you. When he asked you if you were open to meeting, you should have asked what had changed, you still wanted something serious.

And for goodness sake, don’t be so available for dates so quickly. Once a week during the first few weeks. Never initiate, and make him wait a week to see you. And don’t have sex on a second date if you want a relationship.

I have a hard time understanding what your motives were for agreeing for a date again. You told him no sex, but what was it you thought you would get out of it? And did you ask him what his motives were? You should not have said: no sex (and there is the thing you slept with him anyway) but say: you were right the first time you noticed i am looking for a relationship. And you didnt. So has anything changed now?
This guy was never into you, told you the first time, comes back after 9 months for a date and some sex. Do you really think this is the path guys take who want a relationship with you. He might check in now and then but do you really want to spend your time on mr now and then?

I know it’s difficult when you get such overriding blunt replies. Honestly it’s because I think those of us who’ve been here for years and kind of make male-female relationship sociology our hobby – it’s just really clear. And it’s SUPER normal that you were high on hopium when he reached out months later. Which of us has not smoked that in our pipes on multiple occasions.

But dating lots and reading here has schooled us. Never let a man hurt you twice! If a man says no to you once — IF (and that’s a big ole IF) he ever wants to try again – the price of admission JUST HAS TO BE much higher for him to prove he
actually wants to explore something real with you. You allowed this guy to come back with little, to no, explanation and without a clear definition of what he was seeking from you. And PS no need for you to speak to him or wonder — not reaching out for 10 days!!!!! after you two have begun having sex again makes it CLEAR it’s not what he wants.

But that’s OK. You’re OK. All pain is instructional. Go forth. Love yourself better. And only allow men attention and time and sex from you when they’ve earned it.

Do not tell him anything! If you do, you are trying to either make him feel bad or change him mind. Simply stop contacting him and if he ever reaches out again, either ignore or say….

thanks for reaching out, I am not interested in pursuing this any longer. Best of luck to you!

I’m not going to repeat what everyone else has said as they are spot on. But i will pick up two things that came to mind.

Firstly you said no sex. You became a challenge and you went against what you had said by sleeping with him the next date. He got what he wanted so he hit and quit. Nothing wrong at all about having sex the first, second or any date – as long as you are prepared to never see the guy again and genuinely don’t mind if you do or don’t.

Second point is this “deep connection” which i have fallen foul of several times and even recently when i already know the truth on this one. There was not a deep connection. Women are conditioned to think that men don’t open up and talk about emotions or deeply private things, so when a guy does do so it is seen us them trusting us and therefore having a deep connection, just any connection really. We see it as meaningful. But here is what I’ve worked out; some guys actually LOVE talking about themselves. They are happy to chat all night about supposedly emotional stuff but they dont see it as some deep connection because they are talkers. That’s fine and I’m not suggesting that these talker type of guys are intentionally leading women on. Its just how they are and the women think it means more than it really does.

This connection stuff is a myth. What you feel is dopamine, attraction and some bonding/trust through the man apparently “opening up”.

I guy i dated recently just disappeared. After a couple of days of no contact from him i wasn’t bothered because i have learnt on here that i should give zero f**ks about a man that isn’t my bf. I’m cool with it and really wasn’t massively invested but I’m quite ruthless with time wasters and popcorn men so after 8 days on read i deleted his number, but i recall thinking “well this is a bummer because we seemed to have a great connection” then i gave myself a virtual slap and recalled that actually this man just loved to talk about himself – alot. I realised that my parts of the “deep” conversations we had actually just felt like filling time before he could talk about himself more.

My point is, just because a guy shares information or feelings with you doesn’t mean you have a deep connection at all.

Oh and one final thought- he DID NOT use you. He simply took what was offered to him. He knew you said no sex, but then you gave it up and that’s on you not on him. I’m not saying this to be harsh or criticise you for having sex with him but it is better not to go into victim mode here – you offered sex and there were no explicit conditions to that. You broke your preset boundary and he was no doubt thrilled that you did.

Take care and just think “thank you, Next”

Xx