I need some serious advice here …


Home Forums Dating and Sex Advice I need some serious advice here …

This topic contains 20 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by  Anne Ohio 2 months ago.

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  • #750008 Reply

    Trina

    Long story short, the LOML and on-again/off-again guy has been back in my life, as friends, 6+ months. Six months of pure, slightly romantic, friendly bliss.

    Problem is – I’m so in love with him and we have sleepovers a lot and cuddle and what not but no sex. And I want sex. From him…not just in general. I have brought it up and he says he just can’t think about that with everything going on (he has MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR personal issues right now…and I am not going to elaborate, but it’s pretty bad).

    So………… do I be a kind human and stay sexually frustrated or do I tell him I can’t “sleep” with him anymore because it’s too difficult.

    I liken it to say if I had postpartum depression or something and still loved my husband but didn’t want to have sex for awhile, and I would expect him to understand. But (a) he’s not my husband and (b) it kills me to feel like it’s so easy for him to stay away sexually from me, and it makes me feel totally undesirable and unattractive.

    HELP ME PLEASE, I don’t want to ruin what we have – the foundation is so great – but I want to find out if things have the potential to get back to sexual —- or not. I need to know if he’s attracted to me bottom line.

    #750011 Reply

    tammy

    if being this close and not getting intimate is eroding your confidence, self esteem and generally leaving you unhappy, then you need to set up some boundaries yourself. it is not the right time for him so he has set up his boundaries. you have a right to do the same. you need to lay down some boundaries of your own. meet him and be there as a friend. but do not have sleepovers and cuddling and stuff. keep a distance. I think you can be frank and honest with him if you think he will understand. start pulling back please. when both of you are ready to give this thing a chance than is the time.

    #750016 Reply

    Trina

    Thanks Tammy. It’s so hard … I don’t want to lose him, but it’s equally as frustrating to have him so close and yet so far

    #750020 Reply

    Carolyn

    You are only hurting yourself here. You are in love with a man who doesn’t love you and you are hanging on to whatever little piece of him you can get! Right now that means just friends, no sex, and it’s slowing killing you inside. The guy has major person issues, and is using you for the physical and emotional comfort but not giving you anything! The foundation in not so great as you claim. Even things got back to sexual he would still be using you in a major way! You want to know this guy is attracted to you. You are tying up your self confidence in a guy who doesn’t want to be anything more than friends with you. Please see how this relationship is not good for you and doesn’t need to continue. Either walk away now heartbroken or hang on for many more months and years and really let him destroy your self esteem when he starts seeing another woman and can’t understand why you don’t get it because the 2 of you are just friends!!

    #750021 Reply

    Khadija

    As much as you love this man its time to move on.

    No more sleepovers and no sex. That must be tearing down your self esteem.

    At this point you are accepting crumbs from him and he knows it.

    This will continue on unless you put an end to it.

    #750022 Reply

    Omg

    Of course he isn’t going to have sex. He didn’t get back with you romantically. Only as a friend. To have sex with him only elevated you to a fwb and not a girlfriend.

    Agree with others this isn’t going anywhere. Most on again and off again relationships are in and off for a reason.

    You seem to be clinging on to hope that he will change his mind and show romantic interest again. My question for you is why you agreed to just a friend status if you really want more than that?

    #750024 Reply

    Trina

    OMG – I agreed to it after weeks of him talking me into it. I told him I was in love with him and couldn’t just be friends. He kept saying he wanted to be in my life, and if it couldn’t be more, at least as friends. He calls our love for each other “the elephant in the room”. So weird. Like we should just talk it out, but I don’t want conflict because we are having so much fun. He tells me (and everyone else who will listen, including all my my closest friends) how much he loves me, and I always believed it, but honestly I don’t feel it anymore, because of the actions speak louder than words thing. Even his mom says he’s never felt this way towards anyone before and I’m good for him (even though he’s the most difficult chap on earth).

    I guess I’m just putting off the inevitable and I’m so so so sad. No one here told me to seduce him, which is advice I’ve gotten from some friends. So I guess that’s a no-go.

    #750027 Reply

    Omg

    What horrible advice. Seduce him? Your biggest mistake was demoting yourself to friend status. And he may love you but is not in love with you.

    You shouldn’t have to push yourself on a man. He made his decision to only be friends and has drawn the boundary of no sex. No idea what his other issues are but he finds time to spend with you yet uses that excuse not to have sex? I don’t buy it.

    I think you need to tell him you love him and being platonic friends is too difficult for you. See what he says. If he can’t move this back to a gf and bf situation I think you are torturing yourself. If you choose to continue in this friend status it prevents you from meeting a man who wants a real relationship with you that is satisfying and makes you feel good about yourself.

    #750056 Reply

    Gabby

    Tammy was spot on. I second her advice. If nothing, takeaway this: BOUNDARIES.

    Ever heard the quote “good fences make good neighbors”? I think the same thing about former lovers. He does’t want you in a sexual way and seems to be using you for a body pillow, while your hormones are screaming for more. You need to take a step back, respect his boundaries and let him understand those boundaries have consequences when dealing with those (menaing you) who have some self-respect. Dont’ go from feeling to feeling, from want to want, desire etc. You function in a world outside of bed and so does he. Work from there and set up those boundaries for your own well being. If you have a hard time setting up boundaries for right now, imagine life years from now and how you would want it if this guy was still in your life, and work from there.

    All the best to you Trina! <3

    #750077 Reply

    Hs

    It is very possible that he really does love you n a very platonic way, like we all love our friends and family and they really do mean the world to us. You however want romantic love that he made expressly clear he isnt going to give you. First, accept that. He has no romantic interest in you. Then decide can you be platonic friends with him? If yes, be his platonic friend, no sleepovers and cuddlling and start dating others. If not, then move on

    #750098 Reply

    L

    He loves you like he would his dog.

    #750099 Reply

    Raven

    Stop having slumber parties with guys who are not your BF!

    #750100 Reply

    What

    Cuddle? Isn’t that what 15 year olds do?

    #750132 Reply

    Warasen

    You can’t lose him cause you never had him! He’s being honest with you and tell you he doesn’t love you. He’s not even sending mixed signals, he won’t have sex with you. Yes he’s having issues and you can be a friend but those boundaries people here are telling you about makes great sense.

    You have to move on. Don’t cut him out of your life but don’t keep missing something you never had.

    #750138 Reply

    Trina

    How about if he has some type of ED and he is too embarrassed to tell me. It could be a physical issue. But, since not one single person had any hope that things would work out I guess I have to accept those odds. I won’t cut him out of my life, but next time he tells me he loves me I will tell him no you don’t, maybe as a friend but you’re not in love with me or you’d want me. He just said earlier today there was no place he’d rather be, I should have brought it up then. Oh well, maybe I’m comfortable with this arrangement for now as well. Thanks for your advice.

    #750141 Reply

    Lane

    Trina, you are in what’s called DENIAL. Your acting like a “codependent’ (look it up) which is a horrible way to believe and act in any relationship as its toxic, dysfunctional and highly suggest you get your mind out that mode if you ever want to have a happy and healthy relationship which starts with YOU FIRST. Save yourself because he doesn’t want nor need to be saved or fixed as he’s a grown man and fully capable of handling his life the way he deems fit—its yours that needs the most help and attention right now and need to turn your focus INWARD or you’ll drive yourself insane.

    #750142 Reply

    hs

    You really are desperate to hold onto the idea that he loves you romantically. What if he had erectile disfunction? Then he would of told you he loves you, he wants to be with you, commit to you and make you his girlfriend. He would want to touch you and hold you and be physically close to you (hands and mouths) despite not being able to have intercourse. THis isn’t what he did though. He made it very clear to you that he doesn’t want a relationship and that you’re a friend. You need to stop making excuses and accept his word for it

    #750145 Reply

    Newbie

    I find stop forcing people to do what you want, gives the greatest peace of mind. Just accept what is and realiize the only thing you can control is yourself. Even the statement: no you dont love me is a passive agressive way to force a response. It just doesnt work.
    I think you need to ask yourself why you are so determined to make it work with a guy who has MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR issues. Like you stated yourself. Why not just accept him as a friend. A friend that loves you, nice right? Plus you dont have to deal with his major major issues.
    I had a relationship like yours with my still best friend, who turned out to be gay. Yours probably isnt but there are just always reasons why he isnt feeling it. Giving up on understanding and making him drink the koolaid, gives you freedom to explore and find someone in love with you. You are probably right that this setup also works for you. Maybe abandonment issues or scared to commit yourself. You will figure this out yourself if thats the case. But just realize you are wasting time better spend on yourself

    #750148 Reply

    Trina

    @Newbie – okay, you get me. And you hit all the nails on the head! So, how do I move on from here? Just back away slowly in my head and heart I guess, along with literally. But seems that when I back away, he comes to me harder; like he wants me but not really. Quintessential he doesn’t want me, but doesn’t want anyone else to have me either. Thanks for your help. I should be grateful and thank all the gods and goddesses that we are just friends. I think my guardian angel is watching.

    #750149 Reply

    Newbie

    Yeah you friendzone him and just say to yourself: i dont want a man that doesnt want me. Over and over and over. Feel loved by a good friend. I cant really explain. Its a mental proces, the art of letting go and only focus on what you can do or change. Good luck and take care

    #750172 Reply

    Anne Ohio

    How cruel of him. I would not do this to someone I care about.

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